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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Support for Spook 2

502 replies

Janstar · 09/05/2004 17:14

Here it is.

OP posts:

Original poster

Janstar · 11/05/2004 17:48

That course of action sounds sensible Spook.

OP posts:

geordiegirl · 11/05/2004 17:53

Spook,I thought that might be the case about the house , that's why I said if it's what you want, and I can understand exactly how you feel, just don't make any hasty decisions.
P.S we've all got hidden talents and skeletons in our closet worth knowing about!!! Take care

Blu · 11/05/2004 19:00

Spook, with his track record, he would probably throw it back in your face anyway - 'oh now she's sellling the house, it's HER whose destroying the marriage'. yep, Uranus is his planet!

spook · 11/05/2004 19:38

He's already told me again and again that I ended the marraige by throwing him out and changing the locks and taking my wedding ring off. You don't know him do you Blu???

spook · 11/05/2004 19:41

My God.Have just heard a brilliant record by the Streets called "Dry Your Eyes" His wife is walking out on him and he is talking about their vows and their memories. It really got me.

Beccarollover · 11/05/2004 22:59

Oh! I wanted to hear that - it was about to be played on Radio 1 this morning but had to get out of the fing car to go to work...

How has the first day on AD's been?

spook · 11/05/2004 23:30

Hi Becca.
Well not sure if it's just the wine but I feel as high as a kite! The kids are playing up and Newcastle are losing but I feel pretty good.Sure it's psychological though.They surely can't work that quick??!

Beccarollover · 11/05/2004 23:34

I dont know, my sis had very quick results.

She had bizarre side effect that she couldnt stop yawning, have you had that?

geordiegirl · 11/05/2004 23:37

Spook, I'm dreading Newcastle loosing- I'll have a house full of grieving males (dh and 2 sons) and it affects their moods bringing us all down (my dd and I care, but not that much!)Glad you are feeling good, use whatever help you can to get through these hard times .

Beccarollover · 11/05/2004 23:38

Well my dp is a whispers mackem, but is almost becoming token magpie out of respect for DS who will be brought up black and white (as if I'd allow MY son to be red and white heheh)

popsycal · 11/05/2004 23:40

becca - i told you that you ought not to mention that

Original poster

Janstar · 11/05/2004 23:40

Have you heard the zebra joke?

OP posts:

geordiegirl · 11/05/2004 23:50

Go on Janstar- enlighten us!!!!

Original poster

Janstar · 12/05/2004 00:02

Mummy zebra asks baby zebra 'What would you like for your birthday?'

Baby zebra replies, 'An Arsenal shirt'.

Mummy zebra says, 'NO'.

Baby zebra says, 'Oh please, please Mummy, let me have an Arsenal shirt.'

Mummy zebra replies, 'NO, definitely not!'

'Oh, Mummy, Mummy, PLEASE PLEASE, I do so want an Arsenal shirt!'

Mummy zebra says, 'For the last time NO! You'll just have to support Newcastle like the rest of us.'

OP posts:

geordiegirl · 12/05/2004 00:04

boom boom!!!!!

spook · 12/05/2004 14:01

Hi girls.
Am feeling weak again.Saw him this morning and yesterday picked him up from airport so the boys could see him.I feel like some annoying appendage that happens to be around when he see's his children I am their mother after all. When I see him it is just so weird-like walking on egg-shells. I feel like this is the way it will always be now.How can we ever get to know each other again in these enforced situations? I can really see how marraige break-ups spiral and before you know it your holding your decree nisi thinking how did that happen? This is why I really think he should come to Ibiza but I know he's shieing away from that idea now even though the boys think he's coming.Told my brother he suspected I had some sort of agenda and I wnated it to be as much about us as for the boys.Duh.
I go 2 weeks today.Should I try and get an answer out of him or just sit on it for a few days?He's having the boys for a sleepover tomorrow night.Maybe wait till after that? I am doing it again.I just want everything sorted and him to come back and start to rebuild. I know he's not girls. I JUST CAN'T HELP IT.If there's anyone out there please help...XXX

ponygirl · 12/05/2004 14:09

Oh Spook, honey. I think you should step back from it, don't pressure him. I think if you do, it'll enforce his belief in your agenda and his knee-jerk reaction will be to say No. I know it's horribly hard, but say nothing and keep your distance (near-impossible, I know). He really is an arse. HUG!

sykes · 12/05/2004 14:14

Hi, Spook, it's so hard, I know. Don't know what to suggest really. I'm not sure there's anything you can do at the moment. I sent my h so many emotive e-mails last year and clung on to the hope he's come back etc. However, no matter what I said he didn't apart from one weak moment. Now it's different but probably too late. It's still hard and I do miss things about him but am not sure it could ever work again and we might reconcile for the wrong reasons. We're meeting next week - but as I've cancelled seeing him about six times now it's quite obvious that I really don't think it's the right thing to do. It's so sad. However, I am honestly happy. Get frustrated with having restrictions etc but I rather despise him and how can you rebuild if that is one of your major feelings. IF he wants to come back in hte future which is possible you'll have to reconsider, perhaps, but thinking that alone makes it hard to move on as you just tread water. But hopefully you'll have moved on somewhat - I NEVER believed anyone who said htat to me, by the way.

geordiegirl · 12/05/2004 14:27

Spook , so sorry you are feeling so down- we all wish we could help you and I know it does help to have the support of MN. But it has to come from you before you will feel better about the situation and at the moment you are still raw and wounded and hurting so much.From what I gather about you dh you can't rely on him for anything at the moment- so don't try to- make your own plans, tell him and if he wants to join in then it's his doing (no hidden agendas). It may be that if you have a couple of weeks completely away from him you may be able to formulate your own thoughts and feelings about him more clearly- who knows? Thinking of you, stay strong- you are.

Original poster

Janstar · 12/05/2004 14:31

First let me apologise for telling jokes on your thread .

I do feel for you, it is so unfair - he had this affair for however long and enjoyed the luxury of thinking about it and mulling over what he wanted to do while he had the unspoilt attention of two adoring women. You, on the other hand, have had this situation sprung on you without warning, much more recently, and haven't been given any choice in the matter. Yet he still expects you to have no agenda with him. This is grossly unfair and much as you have told us how much you love him he sounds like a very selfish and discompassionate person to me. That he can't even understand that you are still so upset and far from being over it is brutish of him.

My gut feeling is that you shouldn't go with him - go with the boys and without him, or don't go. You don't want to go and end up feeling like a spare part, you will have a miserable time and come back feeling worse than ever.

If he can't treat your tender feelings with more respect than this, things will never get better.

OP posts:

spook · 12/05/2004 14:50

Thanks girls.I knew you wouldn't let me down.And what a response! I am just going to leave it be for as long as I can stand (couple of mins probably) I am having a lovely day with my little one. It is taking my mind of him and his bastard attitude!
THANKYOU

spook · 12/05/2004 15:47

God-just heard it again."Dry Your Eyes" by the Streets.What a phenomenal record.(and I don't even like the Streets)

spook · 13/05/2004 10:45

It's getting worse.How can I stop my head.It's all I ever think about.I'm not even wishing him home now.I see how pointless that is but I just can't clear all my head of all this clutter.I am finding it almost impossible to sleep.I put off going to bed because I find that so so lonely and then I wake up at 4 or 5 and the second I open my eyes my brain starts going. I feel like it is stretched so tight like an elastic band and soon enough it will snap.Last night I was lying in bed and I couldn't get this image out of my mind-you know when you see news picture sof a hurricane on some carribean island and the palms trees are bent so far over they are almost snapping.That's how I feel.Could this be the AD's playing with my mind.Will it settle eventually.
It's just "why,how,when....right this minute,where,what?????" All the time.I could escape it before briefly by reading or watching the same old shite on TV but now there just doesn't seem to be any escape. He is not worth so much of my energy and pain.Am I expecting too much too soon? Is this just another phase? Another part of the healing process?What can I do to sleep? I am so tired and I look like shit.Not the image of the together happy independant woman I am trying to portray.I am obsessed with them together and what it is they do and talk about.
He is having the boys tonight and I know that if I paint this happy go lucky care-free "I'm going to a party" image he will just use it to justify in his mind that I'm doing reat without him."Shows how much she didn't need me anyway" But if I come across as what I really am-a broken woman-it just pisses him off and pushes him away.His head is so screwed up and there is nothing I can do-no approach which will work.
There now-that was Spooks early morning rant.

ripley · 13/05/2004 10:52

Oh Spook, don't beat yourself up about the way you are feeling. I remember my doctor telling me that you sometimes can get much worse before you start to get better when you are on the anti-depressents. I think that your emotions have just become heightened by the ads and you start to feel more level headed in a few days.

Soapbox · 13/05/2004 16:20

Spook I do think that all the constant churning of thoughts is part of the healing process. One day you will wake up and think 'I am soooooo bored of these thoughts'. What is difficult thought is if the contact you do have with him keeps feeding the thoughts. If you can stay as far apart as possible then there is only 'old' information to deal with and for me, there was only so much hashing and rehashing I could do with it that I just ran out of things to torture myself with.

The early waking is probably to do with the ADs. Often they are prescribed with a tranquilliser such as tiazepam which helps control this effect. Do see your GP again if this continues to be a problem!

LOve Jxx

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