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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Support for Spook 2

502 replies

Janstar · 09/05/2004 17:14

Here it is.

OP posts:
Janstar · 13/05/2004 16:31

Oh, Spook, how I wish I could have you here and look after you, you poor thing, so sad. I really really do understand how you feel, the man I loved the most before I met my dh dumped me and broke my heart and I cried every day for four months. At night I lay awake imagining him with his new girlfriend and the pain was physical, like a knife going into me. I remember it so well, I would wake up in the morning and cry, dry my eyes and take the kids to school, come home and cry, then dry my eyes and go to work, come home and cry, then go and pick up the kids, bring them home and after bedtime cry again.

But one day I didn't cry and then a few days later I had two days without crying and before I knew it I was only crying once a week, then once a month. Eventually I didn't think about it all that much. And when I really got over it I knew that he never would have made me happy anyway because he never loved me enough.

You will get over this and be happy again. Believe it.

For now, do see your doc again. You have to eat and sleep better. Perhaps you would benefit from seeing a counsellor, to help you work through your confused feelings - to deal with them so that you can put them down.

Finally, please stop torturing yourself with worrying about what h is going to think of your every move and every word. Do what you need to do, do what you want to do, be who you really are, and sod what he thinks about it. If he is ever going to love you it has to be you, not a false persona you put on because you think it's what he wants. Just be you - he doesn't have to like it. But you need you at the moment.

OP posts:
spook · 13/05/2004 18:23

He has just taken them on their first sleepover. And I feel OK.He was actually quite nice-I was very cool.Am going to a party and he was definately fishing for info.Anyway-I am going to go and spend even more money now.Seems the only thing that gives me a few minutes respite is getting out my credit card.Only natural I think you would agrre.

spook · 13/05/2004 18:24

And Janstar,Ripley and Soapbox.Thankyou for being there today.I really did think I was cracking up this morning. {{{{}}}}}

mambo · 13/05/2004 20:58

From my experience when my dh left me for 3 months I ended up with my mum being there for handover of kids because I found it so painful to se him. I wanted to see him because every time he came I thought he'd realise what he was giving up but it became too much and I new the only way was to not see him because each time I saw him it was unbearable, the pain was too raw to be able to be rational . I think if you could go even a week without seeing him or speaking to him it would help YOU.

mambo · 13/05/2004 21:00

I really hope you enjoy your night out

Beccarollover · 13/05/2004 21:16

Have a great time tonight - I walked past your house today with Harvey in the buggy and half thought about dropping in to say Hi but thought you might think I was crazy, I read your post this morning and really hate to think of you so sad and wanted to try and cheer you up - good to see the girls kept you up on here (yay mumsnet) Have a GREAT night tonight, really enjoy the time you have away from the boys - you need this YOU time to recharge your batteries a little bit ready for the week ahead.

and YES YES YES retail therapy is great - retail therapy followed by getting dressed up going out and having lots of wine is the best therapy there is! Enjoy it

Becca
xxx

numb · 13/05/2004 21:32

spook i am on the same tablets as you and the exact same thing happened, it was horrendous every night things just keep going through your mind, but i promise it is only temporary, it does get much better if you keep taking them. My sleeping is virtually back to normal and i think mambo is right, the less contact the easier it is and the stronger you will become. I have no contact at the moment everything is done through other people and it has made a big difference to me. keep smiling XXXXXX

spook · 13/05/2004 22:14

Oh Numb.Thanks for that.I did feel like I was going temporarily insane! Beccarollover-don't you EVER go past my house again without calling in.Unless there's a maserati in the drive in which case don't enter-war zone.
And thanks Mambo.I do hear what you're all saying about not seeing him.Unfortunately it's impossible.I also feel the boys need to see us actually in the same room not shouting,But I am going to Ibiza in 2 weeks so won't see him for at least a week then. Hopefully sharpen up my mind.And my magic medication should hopefully be kicking in by then!! I was almost hallucinating last night looking back on it.And all for the price of a prescription!

Clayhead · 13/05/2004 22:42

spook, I have no advice (nothing to come near the excellent words on this thread) but just wanted to say hi and let you know I'm thinking of you and offering you virtual support! Think of you whenever I see Newcastle playing on TV now!

x

spook · 14/05/2004 02:29

Thanks Clayhead.No advice needed.Just knowing you're all there makes such a diffeence. Lots of love. XXX

BeckiF · 14/05/2004 02:34

Thought you were out partying Spook?!

spook · 14/05/2004 10:39

I was.Thats how good it was!!

numb · 14/05/2004 12:29

how did you sleep spook?

spook · 14/05/2004 13:23

Hi Numb.I bloody didn't. I have a night without the boys and a stinking hangover and I am roaming around the house at 5.30.I am hoping that I will eventually be so tired that I will just have to sleep.But I have to go back to the docs this week so I will ask about some mild sleeping tablets. How you doing honey? You sleeping?

numb · 14/05/2004 14:03

i am not too bad. I had some sleeping pills from the doctor but he only gave me one week and i finished them about 4 days ago. They are very good actually and not addictive. They seem to have got me out of the insomnia habit, I do still wake up but only for 10 mins here and there whereas before it would be hours of agony like you. Only problem is you can't drink alcohol with them, shame! You will also be fine getting up in the morning with the boys, it's not like you can't wake up or anything.

thinking of you every day xxxxxxxxxx

spook · 14/05/2004 14:04

Omigod.The kids have just come back and he has told them the name of the person he's "in love with" and that he doesn't want to live with mummy anymore. I know I should be grateful that at least he's talking to them now but I feel like someone has punched me in the stomach.I feel physically sick.She is now a presence in their lives and just the very fact that he told them her name seems to suggest the seriousness of it.How can I cope with this anymore.We have totally seperate lives. I just don't know how to carry on through these endless days.

Janstar · 14/05/2004 14:12

They are not endless. Have faith. You're not alone, plenty of us have been there. Believe what we say. These days will come to an end.

I know it seems you've been feeling like this a long time now, but it's still early days for the shine to wear off between him and her.

And even if it never does...you have served a terrible sentence in pain and grieving. Believe that you are travelling a journey and that every day of this hell is bringing you nearer to your destination - happiness.

Look how far you have travelled. Have faith. That destination will appear on the horizon soon. Every day brings you nearer to it.

OP posts:
ripley · 14/05/2004 15:31

You will feel better spook. However horrible it must feel at least he has started being pro-active and stopped being cowardly over what he has been doing. You will probably find that after a while you will feel better off because he is not giving you false hope. You will start to feel better spook, and just keep on talking here because you have a lot f people listening.

ripley · 14/05/2004 15:33

And now he has started to make a decision on things, as Janstar said, once the novelty wears off he may realise that the grass isn't always greener and that he has behaved like an idiot.

spook · 14/05/2004 16:18

Hi Ripley.Hi Janstar.Thankyou-very wise words from both of you as always and still giving me hope!! That is what I need to get through these days which seem hopeless.He did say to ds1 that he couldn't say he would "never" come back and that he still loved me.He is DEFINATELY waiting to see how things progress with her before making any commitment to me. Cruel and heartless as that is I have just got to accept it haven't I-and if I want him back as much as I think I do I have no choice but to sit it out.And I guess there's absolutely no guarentee he will ever come back but I really really can't go down that route at the moment.It's just so bloody hard.I just wish we could connect again.I desperately want him to come out to Ibiza but I can't ask him because it would seem like a/ I'm pushing the issue and b/ I give a shit! Gggrrrr.

hopey · 14/05/2004 22:48

Spook, I haven't posted on here as yet cause there has been much better advice on here than I could give. I just want to say that although he's giving the impression that him and "evil barbie" are together and "happy" the reality could be so much better. When my ex-dp left me for his girlfriend he constantly flaunted it in my face, bringing her with him every time he picked up DD, calling her darling in front of me, touching each other in front of me. They got engaged, bought a flat together, then just after New Year they split up. The reality was she was hell to live with and ex-dp reckoned it was a year of hell. To cut a long story short, they're back together but the circumstances are different and I know its not all that. In the meantime I'm getting there. I no longer care when I hear what they're up to, even though my world collapsed when he left. I still have low times but they are now so few and far between I know I'll get over them. I know I'm rambling, but what I'm trying to say is take what he says with a pinch of salt, he wants you to think everythings good in his world when the reality is him and "that woman" will have some major issues to face. She'll have to deal with your children being a constant presence and that won't be easy. There has been such good advice given to you, I really want to stress that you must concentrate on yourself. I really do know what you're going through but hang in there. Try not to think about him so much, I know its hard. Its early days, but the way you feel about him now will change. In my opinion if he ever does feel he's made a mistake, you would be doing yourself an injustice by getting back with him. I've done it three times, its doesn't work. I know I've probably talked a load of sh*t, but really wanted to say something.

popsycal · 14/05/2004 23:04

Spook - i am sorry that things are still soo difficult for you. I am reading your thread regularly but everyone is giving such good advice and I have no other wise words to add. You are doing marvellous although you may not feel like it.....listen to the wise words of these ladies - they are sooooo right in what they say!

We need another day out honey! Or better still a night out.....
What do you reckon!!??

Janstar · 17/05/2004 14:16

Spook? Long time no post. She hasn't gone to Ibiza yet, has she?

Spook, are you okay?

OP posts:
spook · 17/05/2004 14:44

Hi Janstar. I'm OK thanks. Hanging on in there.My ds1 has got his SATS this week so I'm just trying to give him as much time as possible.
Things are changing slightly here.My ex has been making different noises about not knowing what he wants,hasn't looked for anywhere else to live when his lease runs out on June 5th..he's coming to Ibiza.I said he could on the one condition that he has absolutely NO contact with her-to the extent that he leaves his phone out every night.And if he does then I will pack up the boys and leave.He totally understands that and has made a promise (mmm) He also told ds1 last night that he might be home soon. (nice of him to tell me) He actually strikes me as very depressed and I really think he needs some help.His PA put this song on in the office the other day (Dry Your Eyes by the Streets)because I am absolutely in love with it, and apparentley he had to leave the office because he was crying.
My AD's really seem to have kicked in (or maybe I'm just getting stronger.I feel like I am feeding off his weakness.Does that make sense?)
I am feeling much more positive about my life with or without him.Me and the boys have become unbelievably close.I have even booked a weekend away with my best friend in June-he can get up to whatever he bloody likes.I really cannot give him and her any more of my energy.
I knew you would be thinking of me Janstar-you are an angel

sykes · 17/05/2004 14:47

Spook, glad you're feeling better. Just take it slowly and TRY to look after yourself. Are you considering counselling? I'm meeting my h on Thursday to discuss the future - it's nearly a year since he left and I never thought I'd be as happy as I am now without him. Lots of luck.