The female 'best friend'

[DubbyDubby]

Can I get your opinions on this please. I've started seeing a bloke recently. It's pretty casual but I like him. He seems to like me. I'm 35 and he's 36.

So he told me about his best friend, a female, and how they used to shag. He even got her pregnant at one point, but she lost the baby. They see each other all time, cosy pics on FB etc. She's a model (FFS!). She has a key to his apartment etc.

He also told me some story about how stupid her (fairly recent) ex was as he never realised the two of them were shagging even though it was obvious.

The whole thing has really thrown me. I don't know what to make of the 'best friend you used to shag' scenario. He said he hasn't shagged her for a while but he would say that wouldn't he? Don't know what to do now. Should I just knock it on the head? I feel like I'm going to get hurt by this..

Am I overreacting being bothered by this?

He sounds like such a twat, seriously, did he also have some candles in his bedroom he promised were for lighting fags

no candles

no room for candles with such a massive bed..

Phew, not same bloke then, although mines bf could never have been a model

his best friend is attractive, I'll give her that he's actually not that physically attractive however. he's a bit overweight and has really long fingernails

He seemed clueless about why potential gf's never stuck around tho, I'm glad I don't do od any more

Yeah mine was a bit hefty, although so am I so can't complain. Eeew long fingernails=deal breaker though, boak.

I don't think this guy wants girls to stick around. it's like he picks topics he know I will react to. I asked him on date 2 if he was trying to push me away.. can't remember how he replied now

yep the fingernails are def a deal breaker. vile.

I met one guy, third nipple eeeeeew he hadn't even prewarmed. I'm not even judgemental, just certain things eek

is it going to be the case that every man I meet will be a bit weird now I'm 35? are all the good ones gone?

velouria that is utterly disgusting

Lmao, yeah was a bit erghhh, I'm a bad person. Well I'm 34, so hopefully some blokes are somewhat normal

No...a 3rd nipple is nowhere near as disgusting as a piss poor attitude...!

So, this picture of him and the stripper - was she dressed in stripper gear?

Have you met the model? Are there pictures of them together or have you just seen pictures of her on fb etc?

It all sounds like fantasy land to me.

"how will I stay strong when (if) I hear from him? I have no faith in myself at all."

Really? Just go on PoF. If you want to meet someone lovely it's a long shot. If you want to meet someone better than this useless tosser there are loads of them. You've set the bar so low.

There are some pictures of them on FB yep looking rather coupley.

Anyway I feel a bit better about it this morning after sleeping on it. I do think I might slightly be on the rebound hence my emotions being all over the shop.

Dubby the one thing that stands out from your posts is that you perhaps don't know yourself really well. You say you were after a casual thing, but then go on to admit you never really do casual and fall for the first person who shows interest in you after you break up (probably because feeling vulnerable and a bit low). This leaves you massively vulnerable to twats like this- and even more vulnerable to staying with them when you should be running for the hills (I won't add to the chorus of why this man is just awful in multiple ways, I actually can't believe he said any of this stuff).

This is curable. Lots of women (or people) get very involved quickly if they have sex, and lots of women (or people) like attention/find this ego-boosting when you have low self-esteem. So- you need to be really honest with yourself and put in place strategies that don't leave you dating complete idiots. How about getting a friend whose opinion you trust to de-brief you after a date and be honest about what she's hearing (like we have done here, happy to do it here, but I know why you've said it here because if you told one of your friends about this they'd be shouting 'dump the loser and his imaginary model girlfriends')? Or reading some good books about dating so you are wise to some of these tricks? (My friend was cured by 'He's just not that into you' and it would have helped you see in this situation that this bullshit is just that, bullshit and a sign to move on). Or saying that you will get to know someone without sex (if you can't distinguish between sex/attraction/love) for a month, not to 'hold out' for any weird reason, but to get to know the person much better. See that month as a trial period for THEM to see if they are good enough for you.

I stopped having sex on first dates for a while and didn't drink either when I started dating a lot as I'm not into overlapping and I wanted to keep a clear head about the people I was meeting. I'd made too many bad decisions whilst drunk- and it helped to step back and keep a bit calmer about the whole thing.

You sound lovely, he sounds an utter dick, I hope you ditch him but really start working on your 'bullshit' antenna as currently yours is broken!

Thanks Napoleon, that's a really nice and helpful post.

You're right in that I try and convince myself I can do casual when I'm clearly not emotionally in a place to actually manage this. I don't listen to myself.

Plus definitely true that I make decisions when drinking that I probably wouldn't otherwise. For example I can remember not particularly finding this bloke that attractive, but all of that gets overridden by my 'need' for affection/attention. It's like I let the bloke pick me so then I feel good, rather than me picking the man because I like him. I feel extra vulnerable at the moment because I'm 35, newly single, going grey and feeling pretty much on the shelf.

I will have a good think about what strategies to put in place. I can't go on like this. I really hope it is curable because I feel like I am on train tracks with this stuff - each time I think it is different but at it's core it isnt really. Different bloke but same dynamic.

Oh dear, this reminds me of a friend of a friend I was sat next to at a wedding, great fun and the chemistry was great, but by the end of the night he was telling me about the amazing sex he used to have with his ex, how she met a girl in a supermarket and their eyes met and they went off and had amazing sex, how he's had threesomes etc. I just thought, why do that (tell me all about it I mean), unless he's trying to make me really want him and set me up have to perform to his exciting past standards or he'll lose interest and get bored...I politely declined his advances later and he ignored me for a good while after (mutual friends so was a teeny bit awkward, but said more about him than about me) he has started inviting me to (group) events on FaceBook recently, which I also politely ignore...

That sounds really sensible, dubby and that you have gained some insight from this thread (and especially from napoleon's input)

Dubby (why does typing your name make me think of Dobby the House Elf?), hope you don't mind me posting again.

I'm just agog at every update you post about him. How on earth you could say in your first post that you "like him" is beyond me!

I hate to say this, but the fact that you didn't realise immediately what a loser this guy is when he started spouting his bullshit and picked him up on it was probably taken as a sign by him that your standards were low, you were easily impressed and the fact that he couldn't get it up wouldn't be a problem to him continuing a relationship with you on his own terms.

I agree with everyone else!

Course I don't mind you posting again. Nice to get a male perspective. I think I did know deep down he was a twat, but tried to overlook/justify/find a way around it so I could keep the affection and nice bits which made me feel good. Bleugh.

It really is an eye opener to realise the lengths I will go to in order to gain affection.

I've just told a colleague about it all. She repeated everything everyone has said on here about him being a twat and a bullshitter and that I went on 2 dates too many. Feel a bit better for being honest about it in RL. I'm so glad I posted on here.

Please don't beat yourself up for craving affection. We physically, emotionally and mentally need affection and connection for good health, it's not like just wanting a cute pair of shoes, it is an actual NEED and at the moment you are in a deficit so you're scrabbling round for any crumbs off the table.

Perfectly rational response. It just is not helpful and it will never 'fill you up'.

There is a ton of self help guff out there, I found Byron Katie's The Work very helpful for gaining clarity on situations and I've also found self love cringe techniques to bolster my puny self esteem, despite finding the concept teeth grindingly cringeworthy. In your shoes I'd take a month or two off dating and see what progress you can make on your own. You could easily waste that time (and more) on this twat, or another as your Twat Alure is set to high.