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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

The female 'best friend'

192 replies

DubbyDubby · 08/06/2015 16:58

Can I get your opinions on this please. I've started seeing a bloke recently. It's pretty casual but I like him. He seems to like me. I'm 35 and he's 36.

So he told me about his best friend, a female, and how they used to shag. He even got her pregnant at one point, but she lost the baby. They see each other all time, cosy pics on FB etc. She's a model (FFS!). She has a key to his apartment etc.

He also told me some story about how stupid her (fairly recent) ex was as he never realised the two of them were shagging even though it was obvious.

The whole thing has really thrown me. I don't know what to make of the 'best friend you used to shag' scenario. He said he hasn't shagged her for a while but he would say that wouldn't he? Don't know what to do now. Should I just knock it on the head? I feel like I'm going to get hurt by this..

Am I overreacting being bothered by this?

OP posts:

Lovingfreedom · 08/06/2015 18:39

Next time he gets in touch say thanks for a nice time but you don't want to take it any further. After 3 dates perfectly acceptable.

Lovingfreedom · 08/06/2015 18:40

Or what AF said...

Thenapoleonofcrime · 08/06/2015 18:42

I like AF's text, but what I would really do is wait for him to contact me, and then say 'thanks but I don't think this is working for me, good luck with it all'. Then delete number and block it.

Honestly, he sounds a plank on so many levels, what were you thinking how hot is he ?

FlabulousChix · 08/06/2015 18:42

My best friend is male and also my lodger. We used to be together. We get on great the connection is amazing but we don't fancy each other and have no sexual feelings for each other at all. If he meets someone else they won't accept me even though I'm no threat.

AnyFucker · 08/06/2015 19:29

They might do, Chix, if your lodger doesn't shoot his mouth off like this prick has

Meerka · 08/06/2015 19:43

"I don't think we are looking for the same things so let's call it here. Thanks for the fun and all the best in the future".

If he starts arguing with you: "I'm certain we're not suited, good luck and goodbye".

Keep it that simple and that short.

handfulofcottonbuds · 08/06/2015 19:46

How about, "I prefer to date grown ups"?

mrstweefromtweesville · 08/06/2015 19:48

He's just setting you up to be his stand-by shag while he carries on with his long-term woman.

Original poster

DubbyDubby · 08/06/2015 19:58

yeah I really don't understand why he told me this shit. and it's not like I sit there smiling sweetly when he does - I tell him what I think of it and then he usually starts trying to justify it.

I've never met anyone like this before. I've been feeling uncomfortable with a few things he had previously said, but thought I'd stick to the 3 date rule and see if it improved. oh well.

we are not in contact much - no regular texting- I deliberately stayed away from that as I didn't want to rush things/had some doubts and I'm glad of that now.

OP posts:

Gabilan · 08/06/2015 20:01

Run. Run so fast you leave Usain Bolt in your wake.

I was very close friends with someone I also slept with. When he got into a serious relationship he wanted to continue the friendship as it had been i.e. in touch with each other everyday and telling each other pretty much everything. I told him that that conversation would not go well with his GF and I've backed right off. We exchange a couple of emails a month.

There's nothing wrong with a close female friend, even if he's slept with her. But I would be wary if they're close and I would head for the hills if he thinks infidelity is funny.

FenellaFellorick · 08/06/2015 20:07

I think he's clearly telling you that he does and will shag her, whether he's with you or not.

If you don't want to be with a man who is sleeping with someone else, it's probably best to say no to any further dates.

pictish · 08/06/2015 20:10

Yes his recounting of how they out-foxed the friend's ex...just awful.

I don't know if he's exagerrating/making shit up trying to promote himself as some sort irresistible force that his model fuckbuddy cheated on her boyfriend for, or it's true and they did laugh at how clever they were in their deceit.
Ether way; dick.

Original poster

DubbyDubby · 08/06/2015 20:16

why do I feel so fucking crap when I know he's a dick and I already had some concerns? my emotions make no sense to me. I even feel jealous! wtf!!?!

OP posts:

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 08/06/2015 20:22

You were supposed to feel jealous, that's his motivation for telling you this crap.

Original poster

DubbyDubby · 08/06/2015 20:26

I think you're right.

just remembered he also said for him to have a relationship would take 'someone special' which instantly made me feel completely unspecial

OP posts:

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 08/06/2015 20:28

He thinks a lot of himself, huh.

Has he got a wallet you could beat a whale to death with and a chocolate cock?

Gabilan · 08/06/2015 20:30

"for him to have a relationship would take 'someone special' which instantly made me feel completely unspecial"

He sounds incredibly manipulative and really quite nasty.

"my emotions make no sense to me."

I've found that my hormones can make some really bad decisions with regard to men. My heart isn't much more reliable. These days I let my head make all the decisions until I've worked out whether or not the man is a git. All my hormones say is "oh but he's hot" and my heart just goes "oh but I really, really like him" so it's not like either of them are very clued up.

AnyFucker · 08/06/2015 20:34

@ chocolate cock

he certainly thinks it is irresistible

Original poster

DubbyDubby · 08/06/2015 20:44

my heart is fucking hopeless too. goes all swoony at the first hint of affection.

OP posts:

WinnieTheWilt · 08/06/2015 20:44

a chocolate cock's no good in June, regardless

bjrce · 08/06/2015 20:44

Honestly, I think he's full of shit.
I'd say he only slept with her a handful of times and it was always on her terms.
He probably can't believe his luck getting off with a "model" and tells anyone who'll listen.
I'd be pretty sure he insisted on giving her a key to his apartment, in his deluded head, they are best friends, for her he's someone when its convenient.

He's a total dickhead!.
To say it would have to be "someone special", that's what teenagers say.
You might feel a bit sad now, but in a few weeks time when you think back on him, you'll realize what an asshole he was and laugh about it.

AnyFucker · 08/06/2015 20:45

I would normally say a chocolate cock in June was useless

This June ? Nah.

pictish · 08/06/2015 20:48

Think bjrce has naaaailed it.

Original poster

DubbyDubby · 08/06/2015 20:48

@ Winniethewilt

i really did think he quite liked me however, and generally I'm quite good at reading people (or so I thought). I liked the fact he didn't push sex on to me, liked cuddling and kissing. and he told me he liked me too quite sincerely. God I feel such a mug for hoping it might be true

OP posts:

pictish · 08/06/2015 20:49

Honestly...no one comes out with this shit third date in, unless they are a total disaster.

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