Men, attraction, relationships and sex

[FolkGirl]

I started a thread a couple of weeks ago because I was considering ending things with my bf because, ultimately I am not enough for him. I'm not young enough, or slim enough or pretty enough.

I haven't ended yet because haven't had chance. I want to do it in person and I want to tell him why.

I'm ok with it now, but the reasons have been playing on my mind.

I've made no secret n here of my issues of self loathing. In short, my mother taught me to hate myself - my looks, my body, my personality, my idiosyncrasies... in fact, to this day, other than the fact try not to take any more than I need (from the world/other people/society), I cannot think of a single positive thing I could say about myself.

Now I've posted on here before because I've never been loved or cherished and, somehow, I only end up in relationships with men who don't even fancy me! I think they want to, they just don't.

I just don't get it. I mean I get that they don't fancy me, but what I don't get is that other people try and convince you that someone will. Or why other people's experiences are so different.

The bottom line is that, it doesn't matter how many times women say "men who like women like women" or "not all men like skinny women" both on here amd in rl, the message I consistently get from men is that I'm unattractive and not slim enough.

This message comes in the form of - losing interest after seeing me naked; constantly looking at/commenting on/becoming aroused by slimmer more attractive women when I don't have the same effect; actually commenting on the fact I'm not slim
or pretty enough.

I'm 5'3" and wear size 12/14 clothes so, no, I'm not slim. But I'm not 'huge' either.

Not really sure what I'm asking really. I suppose, why do people say that men aren't that bothered about skinny women and it's not all about looks (both of which I've believed in my 2.5yrs of being single) when the verbal and non verbal feedback I've had from all men is that they are. Is ita lie women tell themselves/each other just to feel better? Does anyone actually believe it?

There are only a couple of people irl who know how I feel, so I certainly don't go around being miserable and moany about this. I'm not going to reveal my weaknesses to everyone! Who/where are these men who don't expect a woman to look like a model?

He's not likely to admit the ogling, he may not even be fully conscious he's doing it, and if he were he would no doubt say that all men do it. Cuz that's what men who do it all say.

It sounds an awful dilemma you're going through, OP.

When I was growing up, my parents were forever telling me how wonderful I was, but that was because they truly believed it. I didn't for one minute, but the fact that they raised my self-esteem in so many ways, has really kept me in good stead.

It makes such a difference, and it has meant that I have always had a base-line level of confidence. That doesn't mean I haven't looked for love in the wrong places though, that's a whole other thread..

Counselling sounds like it would benefit you. Good luck, OP

What Twinkle said!

IfNot he didn't say he'd 'settled'. That was my word, but I think that's what he was getting at. He said it had been quite hard coming to terms with the idea that he wasn't going to get a 25 yo any more and that he'd realised he'd realistically look at someone older.
How old is he!?
Cos most even ok men I know actively seek partners who are about their own age. Eg a 42 year old man will be looking at women 35+ simply because they have more in common, and also,while they appreciate objective beauty in a younger women , they wouldn't seriously consider someone of 25. This is most of the men I can think of, not a bunch of saints far from it, but just normal red blooded blokes.
So, him saying he would have to come to terms with dating women presumably, his own age, makes him actually a bit odd. IMO anyway!

Twinkle that did make me smile. I don't know, he, obviously, does have some lovely qualities. I find it very difficult to see him as bad. But, he wasn't right for me.

Thats just it Folk. He wasnt right for you. Hes not likely to hassle you is he?

No, not likely to hassle.

I replied and told him what he'd done in the car and he apologised unreservedly. He said he felt awful that I'd been so upset by something he'd done so thoughtlessly. And that he now completely understood why I'd done what I've done.