Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The Oddest Thing Just Happened - My Husband Just Strangled Me

423 replies

Quootiepie · 13/11/2006 12:09

We started to bicker over the smallest things (it started with me not washing something of DSs) and transfered onto my lack of doing the housework, which led me on to saying he wasnt perfect. He said "how" so I brought up abit about him telling his dad something personal about me, and he said dont talk about his dad (because he died a little while ago) and I said "whats the worst your going to do? Punch the wall again?" and he came over and put his hands round my neck and lifted me right off the chair...

I tried to call the police, but he kept grabbing the phone off me, but then he called them himself. They have just left. I dont really know what to think... or do to be honest...

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 13/11/2006 12:45

we'll be here quootie, don't worry. (but can i also say... don't let the fact that you are probably about to have a relatively pleasant afternoon shopping with DH change your mind on the getting him out of the house bit. and have a think about getting him to write it down...)

Original poster
Quootiepie · 13/11/2006 12:45

DH is all distant now... hes taken it realy bad - i feel abit sorry for him, he says he become the worst person he could be, and done the one thing he thought hed never do.

OP posts:
danceswithmonkeys · 13/11/2006 12:49

Quootie where are you?
Is there anyone who could come over and stay with you. I also HATE being on my own in the house. After the shock you've just had it's understandable if you don't want to be on your own. If you're near me I'll come and keep you company! (ok strange offer from a stranger but I really would)

AitchTwoOh · 13/11/2006 12:49

of course you feel sorry for him, but at the moment i feel more sorry for you tbh. can't he go and get the shopping and bring it back to you then head off to his mum's? both of you could probably do with the down-time.

Original poster
Quootiepie · 13/11/2006 12:51

Berkshire We'll go shopping together, hes not going to try and change my mind - he offered to go aswell. We need to sort out his councilling before he goes so I know hes getting it etc. aswell.

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 13/11/2006 12:53

sorry to labour the point but it is a very good exercise to write down what brought you to the point. you can do it too. don't guess at what brought him to strangle you, just talk about your own emotions.

Original poster
Quootiepie · 13/11/2006 12:54

write it down together you mean? about how it started and how it got there?

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 13/11/2006 12:54

Tell him to shape up or get out. No excuse is good enough for that kind of behaviour, and as for knocking the phone out of your hand, that shows he was thinking and not clouded by red mist.

He can feel sorry for himself all he likes, it's YOU he needs to make up to though. He's got a lot of grovelling to do and some firm promises.

noddyholder · 13/11/2006 12:54

Don't feel sorry for him or at least don't let him see that you do.He does need to get it sorted and I think a few nights away will focus his mind on what it would be like without you.I would question someone who would do that with a baby in the house.He could do it again and you don't want to take that risk so counselling sounds a good idea

Judy1234 · 13/11/2006 12:56

Why did he call the police? Strange.
How awful it all must be for you. My ex was a bit violent although that was not the reason for the divorce...

The problem you have is does this mean he now konws he can do it and get away with it or is he so shocked he won't do it again? Personally in my marriage of the things he did the physically violence was by no means the worst. It's wrong. It's illegal but it's not in a separate category much worse than some of the things couples do and say to each other. I expect that's a rather non PC comment though....

You know what I thought when I read the thread title - that it was a fun thread about sex games....

danceswithmonkeys · 13/11/2006 12:56

Rats. I'm in Kent. There are some very wise ladies on here Quootie. Please listen to them.

(((hugs)))

Original poster
Quootiepie · 13/11/2006 12:57

seeing it all written down here, it looks so bad! Its good to see it from a different veiw i think...

OP posts:
danceswithmonkeys · 13/11/2006 12:58

Not Xenia though. 'Not the worst thing he could do'
technically no but FGS have some sensitivity and stay away from this thread. Please.

NomDePlume · 13/11/2006 12:58

"You know what I thought when I read the thread title - that it was a fun thread about sex games...."

?????????????????????

Original poster
Quootiepie · 13/11/2006 13:03

He called the police because he knew he was wrong. He called them I guess to sort of punish himself? To show me he knows he did wrong? He hasnt "gotten away with it"... but to be honest, it sitting on his conceince is crushing him enough at the moment... Its 100% out of character, we never argue, we do moan at eachother and at worst we bicker over petty things sometimes, but hes not an angry person, he sulks at worst. It was just me saying about his dad that switched him... I guess in a way, he was angry at himself aswell for telling his dad that personal thing, but took it out on me aswell. Obviously, I know no matter how much I know him, hes shown he is capable of switching, so definatly needs to do something about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Quootiepie · 13/11/2006 13:04

not sex games, no

OP posts:
Papillon · 13/11/2006 13:05

I thought it was sex strangulation

It appears your dh has alot of grief issues to sort out regarding his father. So not a good idea to provoke him about his father.

The good thing about this situation is that it has bought to a head issues your dh has and that you both have. I hope you can work on getting them sorted.

LIZS · 13/11/2006 13:06

If you are to have any future together he needs to act today, himself, and speak to someone , a counsellor, gp, a helpline, and then sort out longer term help. If you can get him to take time out so much the better. Please don't allow him to brush it under the carpet and earn your sympathy.

unicorn · 13/11/2006 13:08

really sorry to hear what has happened - sounds like he has been under major stress and 'flipped' he needs help- and you need to feel safe.
this may help him

hope you can work things out.

AitchTwoOh · 13/11/2006 13:09

quootie's been an MNer long enough to know that Xenia is a bit of a shit-stirrer, methinks...

quootie, i just think that some time away is a good idea, and counselling is a good idea.

but counselling won't start tomorrow, whereas in the meantime he (and you if you wish) can begin to sort out in his head how the relationship got to a point where your husband walked over to you and throttled you so hard that he lifted you up out of your seat, that you were so frightened that you went to call the police and he was so angry that he prevented you.

it will be a useful document to give to a counsellor. you can write it as a story if you like, or as a list of bullet points, or as bubbles coming off the one violent incident. lots of ways, really. you might start with today and realise that something funny happened yesterday too, or you might go back and realise that it all started to go wonky after his dad's funeral. or before that.

personally, i find writing things down often helps to clarify my ideas, and also i am often surprised by what comes out. you are a good writer, quootie, you are very expressive and quick, so it might be a good exercise for you too.

lulumama · 13/11/2006 13:10

Xenia .. you may have thought that..you didn't need to post it FGS....fairly obvious from the OP it wasn't 'fun'.........

quootie......it is good you are talking...and looking at getting some help.....if you both want to make it work..you can...he needs to deal with his anger and grief....

Original poster
Quootiepie · 13/11/2006 13:12

Unicorn, thanks for the link

Will write it all down Aitch... might take a good few pages, but, it will be good for Dh to take to councilling

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 13/11/2006 13:12

i dont agree with what he did at all but as no one else has pointed it out and im sure you understand im not getting at you, just want to help you avoid this situation in the future, your no saint in this either - im NOT excusing his behaviour but have you apologised to him about things things you said - bringing his dad into an arguement when he has not long died prob wasn't your best move was it?

i kno if my dad had died the least appropriate time i would want to talk about it would be during a row with one of my closest relatives.

Btw i would still send him to his musm to think about what he's done and def egt counselling.

bubblerock · 13/11/2006 13:15

Haven't read the whole thread but the title just sent a shiver down my spine. A close family member was strangled to death by her husband leaving 4 children behind. Please get help for both of you, next time you may not be so lucky

AitchTwoOh · 13/11/2006 13:15

...with the best will in the world... BOLLOCKS to those who are saying that she shouldn't have mentioned his dad. she can say whatever she likes, and he can say whtever he likes back.

He shouldn't have strangled her.

Swipe left for the next trending thread