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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The Oddest Thing Just Happened - My Husband Just Strangled Me

423 replies

Quootiepie · 13/11/2006 12:09

We started to bicker over the smallest things (it started with me not washing something of DSs) and transfered onto my lack of doing the housework, which led me on to saying he wasnt perfect. He said "how" so I brought up abit about him telling his dad something personal about me, and he said dont talk about his dad (because he died a little while ago) and I said "whats the worst your going to do? Punch the wall again?" and he came over and put his hands round my neck and lifted me right off the chair...

I tried to call the police, but he kept grabbing the phone off me, but then he called them himself. They have just left. I dont really know what to think... or do to be honest...

OP posts:
Original poster
Quootiepie · 14/11/2006 20:10

yep - I think the reason behind him getting angry abit earlier and nasty is he is so ashamed of himself, its almost easier to bury his head in the sand...Just taking abit of a break at the moment

OP posts:
AlanasMum · 14/11/2006 20:13

Good Luck! Hope you achieve what you want to

Original poster
Quootiepie · 14/11/2006 20:36

we are writing a list for eachother ... what can I put on it? For him to do etc.

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 14/11/2006 20:38

Anger management courses

QP, are you sure about this? Really sure? Do you not want a breather away from each other a bit first?

tribpot · 14/11/2006 20:39

Item one: do not strangle.

That's prob not what you meant, eh?

For him I would want:

  • anger management counselling
  • better communication of issues like his grief over his dad
  • resolution of issues from 2 years ago that led to row in the first place.

For you though - if I were him I would want:

  • not asking Mumsnet what to put on the list.

This is your thing, go do it.

AlanasMum · 14/11/2006 20:40

Get Bereavement counselling

Original poster
Quootiepie · 14/11/2006 20:41

i am...but I know MN think of good things, people have been here before... there might be things id never think of that would help ,you know?

OP posts:
tribpot · 14/11/2006 20:53

I know QP, and I rely on MN a lot too, but if he's still there you are better talking to each other.

LadyVickyOfBeckinghamPalace · 14/11/2006 22:00

QP, I can't beleive you!!

One minute the bastard strangles you... then you don't want to be alone

Then you show him this thread...what for?????

What age are you QP? Because as a mother myself I really couldn't stand by and let my child see this kind of thing..

and he bought you flowers out shopping..have you any idea how flippin' pathetic you sound?

Sorry if I sound cruel, but girl, I wanna shake some sense into you!

Original poster
Quootiepie · 14/11/2006 23:43

yes I do. I cant help the fact he bought me some flowers. He usually does... just a normal thing to have fresh flowers in the house. Yes he strangled me in the heat of the moment, and we are dealing with it... not by splitting... but by councilling and anger management. I cant help the fact I hate being alone, but thats not why hes back - hes back because I feel satisfied now that he is making changes. Twice in 2 1/2 years hes punched a wall (more in being upset than angry) and then he did what he did. I personally dont think that should be the end of the marriage - I know its not him, it was him not dealing with anger/greif in the right way. I showed him abit to show him what the vast majority of people think, and to show him the info for help. I am 20 by the way, and im sorry if I sound immature, but I cant help my age.

OP posts:
lulumama · 14/11/2006 23:49

Quootie.....i would not advocate ending your relationshjip with him...if he is acting out of carachter, and is not dealing with his grief...

i don;t think quootie needs such harsh words.....there is a lot going on for her to deal with and you can be forthright without being so harsh IMO.

she has not just accepted him back..if he has the nager managemnte and counselling...why shouldn;t they make a go of it

if every marriage eneded becasye one person acted out of character , then no couple would stay together....

marriages need to be worked on as they people in them evolve...quootie;s dh needs help to deal with a bereavement and his anger issues......he did something very very wrong....but i think ending the marriage over it would be the wrong thing to do IMO....

Original poster
Quootiepie · 14/11/2006 23:54

thanks I dont want everyone to think my DH is a bad man at all... this is literally one episode (bar two wall punches) in our hole relationship...he doesnt even shout at me ... extreme, but, completely out of character. But, I do apprechiate (sp?) everyones input, even the harsher ones, because I really really appreichiate (darn word!) honesty. You've all be great - Thanks xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
Quootiepie · 14/11/2006 23:55

whole!

OP posts:
BudaBeast · 15/11/2006 05:50

Hi Q

Am glad for yoursake that he is home and not wanting to "call it a day".

You both know he needs bereavement counselling. Please make sure he gets it. It will help all of you.

On the other hand - you need to work on your fear of being alone. And you need to become a bit more indepenent. Sort out the driving for starters - I didn't start driving till 2 years ago although passed my test about 12 years ago. I love the independence it gives me.

If you are depending on your DH for everyting he make be feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all.

ludaloo · 15/11/2006 07:01

Quootie...so glad you have been able to stay together....I always hope things can be worked out as it so sad to have to split up.
As long as you feel safe, and you aren't just doing it to avoid being alone.

I used to hate arguing with dh...I couldn't bear the thought of being on my own. We once had a big fall out not long after we married....I moved out and it was awful.
I can honestly say that now...I have managed to get to the stage where if ever I was on my own I would be ok...and its a reasuring feeling.
I think it stems from being on my own with the kids all the time...dh is self employed and works 7 days a week 8am til 6/7pm. (and when he isn't out at work he is glued to the computer!)
I have no doubt I could do it on my own if I had to.
Saying that...I love him to bits and thats the last thing I want.....
(I really know how you are feeling...don't want to go into detail...but it can be worked through...and it really doesn't mean he will do this again)It might be a wake up call for him.

Be careful though....thinking of you
luda xx

peegeeweegee · 15/11/2006 08:06

Quootie, I hope things work out the way you want.
Good luck sweetheart, be strong, keep talking to him, you can sort this out.

Kelly1978 · 15/11/2006 08:18

Quootie glad to see you are ok, been wondering about you. Please do make sure though that it doesn't just get brushed under the carpet and he does deal with these issues so they don't crop up again in the future. Good luck to both of you.

Judy1234 · 15/11/2006 09:12

Q, that's good. Obviously I agree with the post of " By ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands on Tuesday, 14 November, 2006 10:12:58 AM"

May be everyone on here except me then has had a long perfect marriage. I think we all behave badly in marriages and sometimes that appalling nagging, or failure to have sex or cutting comments and sometimes violence. Violence is illegal and the rest isnt' and I'd never condone it but how you react to one bit of violence can have implications. If you tolerate it then I agree with whoever said that's doormat behaviour and encourages it to be repeated (and may be I did that a bit in my own marriage although these issues are never simple). If you blow it out of proportion and the marriage breaks up then that may not always be wise either. We don't live the lives of romantic couples on Hollywood films. People make mistakes, we love them, we make it up and people carry on together. If you leave at te slightest thin and expect perfection you're not likely to have a happy long term marriage although as mine broke up after 19 years I suppose I'm the least qualified person to comment.

swifter · 15/11/2006 09:12

hi qp- i have been desperate to ost since I first read this as it is a mirror image of what happened to me on saturday but didnt want to hi-jack! Anyway in the midst of a very heated argument my DP just turned round and punched me full force, catching me in the ribs of which 2 are now broken

I was in agony and wailing away and my neighbours came round to see if i was ok and was just so horrendous. It was totally out of character and just so bizarre. Am trying to work through it and be non-dramatic but finding it hard. he expects it to just go back to normal-i didnt even get any flowers!! Anyway sorry to hi-jack just wanted to say i understand what your going through!!

LadyVickyOfBeckinghamPalace · 15/11/2006 09:34

So, let me get this right, just because he only has had 3 outbursts in 2 1/2 years this is ok? right.. what about not expecting any outbursts? Or displays of anger? My god, now he knows he can do this again and it will be ok as he is only displaying his grief.... Yeah whatever.

what's with the "I can't help" in so many of your posts Q? I cant help if he bought me flowers, I cant help if I am lonely, I think you need to change your attitude and learn that only you can help!!!

lulumama · 15/11/2006 09:44

i don;t think you can ever expect a person to never lose their temper or do something out of character....Quootie has made her decision to work things out...DH is getting anger management and bereavement counselling..addressing his problems....

i do not agree with the way he has behaved...and he is clearly addressing it so i doesn't happen again....

i don;t think leaving a partner because they act of character is always the right advice

quootie has made her decision and deserves support...rather than being berated for making a go of things IMHO...

Mell2 · 15/11/2006 10:28

swifter - hope you are OK

QP - morning, hope you are doing ok as well.

mummaj · 15/11/2006 10:53

Quootie - Have just read this thread and wanted to say I really feel for you and your situation. You can be the only person who decides whether or not you stay with DH but here are some thinking points:

Remember that your statement to the police is IMPORTANT and you must follow through with it, even if you decide not to press charges..because if DH (god forbid) lashed out again you have a record of him doing it before and he cannot accuse you of making it up.

Getting counselling before moving back in would be a good idea...If he thinks that it is acceptable to be agressive (by you accepting it and not taking any action), how would you feel if he ever used the same tactic on your DS?

Don't think that you should move out at all! He has an abligation to you as your husband and DH as his father and the law as far as that goes he should be supporting you by paying for you and his son & remember it was not you who put him in this position it was his behaviour!

None of this is your fault so bear that in mind when you are feeling weak like you say.

I'm glad that you made him tell his mum as keeping it from her is just another way of protecting him and making you look like a bad person which you are NOT.

I hope all of this works out for you but please please please insist on the counselling without that this has the potential to become a big sticking point for your relationship.

Good luck and a big hug for you and DS -x-

AitchTwoOh · 15/11/2006 11:34

hey quootie,
this all seems really promising, you must be relieved...
i just wanted to second mummaj's post, though, about you sticking to your intentions. there will by the looks of things be a waiting list for grief counselling and anger management classes, but nevertheless he must not slide out of doing them. likewise, you really must make sure that the police have a wee record of the incident, and that if any marks come up on your neck you take a photo. i know that you want your marriage to flourish (and so does everyone here) but for the sake of your son you need to take care of business and make sure that if it happens again you are as well protected by the law as it's possible to be.
good luck, this sounds good so far...

theUrbanDryad · 15/11/2006 11:55

quootiepie i am glad to hear that things are taking a turn for the better, but heed what others have said...independence is a lovely thing!!
swifter that sounds awful...how are things now? is he still in the house? were the police called?