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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The Oddest Thing Just Happened - My Husband Just Strangled Me

423 replies

Quootiepie · 13/11/2006 12:09

We started to bicker over the smallest things (it started with me not washing something of DSs) and transfered onto my lack of doing the housework, which led me on to saying he wasnt perfect. He said "how" so I brought up abit about him telling his dad something personal about me, and he said dont talk about his dad (because he died a little while ago) and I said "whats the worst your going to do? Punch the wall again?" and he came over and put his hands round my neck and lifted me right off the chair...

I tried to call the police, but he kept grabbing the phone off me, but then he called them himself. They have just left. I dont really know what to think... or do to be honest...

OP posts:
Dior · 14/11/2006 16:37

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Quootiepie · 14/11/2006 16:38

by the looks of things hes going anyway

OP posts:
Kelly1978 · 14/11/2006 16:38

quootie you really don't have to put up with this. He needs a serious kick up the arse - send him packing!

He wanted to come back, so he must have feelings for you, but he is trying to mess with your head. You need to get things sorted, make that statement and wait for him to face up to what he has done before you let him near you.

Rhubarb · 14/11/2006 16:38

So so sorry QP. But thank God you found out now, before he did something really bad. How long have you known him?

He doesn't deserve you hon, please say you'll have him charged!

Alibaldi · 14/11/2006 16:38

Quootiepie please listen to Rhubarb's advice. I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this. H and I are having a horrendous time too at the moment, but nothing compared to what you're going through. To be honest I too am scared for you. Please please report this incident and get some professional help and under no circumstances have him back. I can appreciate you don't like being on your own neither do I (and I'm old enough to be your mother ) but we can do it and things do get better. Please look after yourself and don't let him anywhere near you.

lemonaid · 14/11/2006 16:41

Get him charged. He was terribly apologetic until you told the police you didn't want to press charges, and now he's accusing you of emotional abuse. Hmmm, very convenient (admittedly potentially more his mother putting ideas into his head than Machiavellian plotting, but still...). It may not (probably won't) go to court, as you don't have any witnesses and don't have any physicall evidence (or do you?) but it will be on record.

Original poster
Quootiepie · 14/11/2006 16:42

hes being nasty now.... saying "will I get backlash from this? Brick through the window??" (about us splitting up)

OP posts:
Alibaldi · 14/11/2006 16:44

That's it stop him now Quootiepie ring the police he's threatening you. Write down what he says now. If he won't leave get out now please

beckybrastraps · 14/11/2006 16:44

QP - this comment of yours worries me a lot:

"I want him back because I hate being alone, but I want him to have some "punishment" aswell... and not do as he chooses all the time"

Obviously the first is not a good enough reason to have him back. But the second worries me more. It's not about "punishing" him. That's joining in a game of oneupmanship. There can be no tit for tat here. He is already staring to play that game now with his allegations of "emotional abuse". You did this, so I did that. If you enter into this it will go on and on.

He assaulted you.
Whatever you said or did, there is NEVERany acceptable provocation for that. He does not seem to accept that. You should not be allowing him into your house until he does, and has taken steps to sort out HIS problem.

And that problem is NOT you. I "provoke" my husband regularly, as he does me. Neither of us resorts to violence. It is NOT normal and it is NOT acceptable.

I am not someone who bays for a man's blood when they behave badly. But they have to FIX it.

NomDePlume · 14/11/2006 16:44

what a wanker. Get him charged or at least get this attack on record, regardless of whether you take him back or not. That is the last I'm going to say on the matter

sarahinphuket · 14/11/2006 16:45

QP
please ask him to leave then change the locks ASAP

Blu · 14/11/2006 16:46

QP - I know this must be very very upsetting fpr you. But the truth is that if he has spent the last 24 hours turning it into your fault ('emotional abuse' - what nonsense) and that he doesn't love you...then he is in no way going to address what he did with any seriousness.

Like Mell20, i am very concerned about your "I want him back because I hate being alone" - whilst ever that remains true, and whilst ever he knows that, he will never never take responsibility fro looking at his own actions. And what is he dping now? Playing cool, playing hard to get, telling you he's fine at his Mums...yeah, yeah, yeah! he's trying to make you sweat and beg him to come home - no strings or recriminations attached.

He sounds very immature. That's fine, but it's not fine if he's not going to do anything about the fact that he did you physical damage.

I'm not a serial 'tell him to leave / get a divorce' advocate on MN - but tbh, if he is not prepared to take responsibility for what he did, then he WILL do it again, and again, more often and more seriously.

SherlockLGJ · 14/11/2006 16:46

Get off MN and sort this out.

This is madness, you need to sit down like adults and try and reach a compromise.

You can not do that by posting every few minutes. IMO.

jinglybits · 14/11/2006 17:18

worrying. because if its 'your fault' then he is in complete denial. this means theres every possibility it could happen again because he's not taking responsibility. he is your husband not your child, loving someone unconditionally does not mean having no lines to cross, insisting that he did something terribly wrong does not mean its over or that you don't love him anymore or enough. I know the tempting thing is to brush it under the carpet and i know a lot of unsavoury stuff occurs within many marriages, however, it wasn't that he just hit you, he had his hands around your neck and you couldn't breathe. are you to watch your tounge, to be afraid of upsetting him should this ever happen again. as a sign of his love to you he should be deeply repentant but at the very least willing to address it. obviously he has his pride over speaking to a family member or professional about getting help. this may never happen again but it might. are you happy with that? As has been said many times, would you be if it wasn't about you but was about some other woman that you are close to. I'm not saying you should end your relationship BUT if you allow him to treat this as no big deal or to as your fault not his then you are giving him a really bad signal.

jinglybits · 14/11/2006 17:22

o.k i've just read your brick comment. to be extremely blunt now, he is threatening you, he has been violent, tell him to leave, if he won't go, try to go to a private coirner and ring the police.

Rhubarb · 14/11/2006 17:25

Was he not asking if he would be the one to get a brick through his window?

I agree though, he's turned this around into blaming you. Wish I could help more!

Rhubarb · 14/11/2006 17:28

And should he, heaven forbid, attack anyone else, if you report this then he has a record and the police can take another assault more seriously.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 14/11/2006 17:33

Actually, it sounds more like he is 'trying to get in there first', because he thinks QP is going to end things.

I totally agree with LGJ.

LIZS · 14/11/2006 17:37

Hang on , he went away to face up to his problems not turn it around to blame you ! Where has the remorse of yesterday gone ? In the emantime he has done nothing constructive and is making you feel guilty. Please don't let him manipulate you like this, presumably he knows you have no other support . Insist he sees a gp or counsellor before you agree to his coming back and make that call to the police.

piglit · 14/11/2006 17:43

QP - does he access to a pc? Is there any chance he's lurking on MN and reading this thread?

SparklyGothKat · 14/11/2006 18:00

I read this yesterday and didn;t have any advice for you. I used to live next door to a woman whose partner would beat her and strangle her. She used to say exactly what you said when you said ''It was my fault. I provoked him' It was never her fault, it was his. He used to hurt her when she was pregnant too. I would go to see her when he was out and she always blamed herself. She moved house and I still see her sometimes, she is still with him.
The lady who moved into her house a few years later, was also married to a arsehole, who beat her. I didn't get involved with that one as I was fearful of her partner. BUT please don't let him make out that this is your fault, its his!!!

SparklyGothKat · 14/11/2006 18:02

Ok, lets view it from a different angle. What if this had happened to your best mate? What would you be advicing her to do?

AitchTwoOh · 14/11/2006 18:49

hi quootie, doesn't sound like you'll have had a fun afternoon...

i hope things are turning out as you want them to, and that you have both been able to speak openly and from the heart. good luck with talking to him (and for the record if it was me i'd send him back to his mother's again tonight.)

Original poster
Quootiepie · 14/11/2006 20:06

talking things through, hes seen this thread already, ive shown him.... getting things all sorted

OP posts:
lulumama · 14/11/2006 20:07

keep talking...communication is the key...get it all out in the open and work through it x