My wife - she just cannot handle any 'criticism'- big nor small- HELP

[Husband99]

Things are pretty rough. I just cannot raise anything with my wife without her just getting angry and now I'm stuck to know what to do. It seems I either just shut up- no matter it is- or it will kick off. The former just doesn't seem like a sustainable way to live.

Mostly things that come up are just petty. For example, I hate being late. She is always late when we have to leave for things. That puts me in a grump; I know it does- and need to get perspective- but I also do not think these things are the end of the world. What makes these situations far worse is how she reacts. Then it becomes her angry reaction (that always happens) that we argue about the reaction, and not the tiny thing that initially caused it that becomes long forgotten.

Basically she flips and loses her temper every time I raise even the tiniest issue and things immediately switch and she says that she is the one hard fine by having to deal with this. It just puts me in a position where I cannot raise any issue with her or else she will just flip. She never quietly considers a point, reflects, try's to appreciate where someone else (i.e. me) is coming from. Her instinct is always to just get angry and go on the 'attack'- every time.

I do my best to remain calm in these instances, but she quickly raises her voice and slips into personal insults like calling me a 'prick ' - I'll admit, I resort to saying things back at times. I am not perfect- my patience is not infinite and I know this is damaging to our relationship. To be honest, I do this as I feel bullied. I am forever in these instances saying 'but I am the one whose is upset with something you have done- why are you shouting at me?'. I just don't understand. We do discuss this, but nothing changes.

She doesn't seem to see that she makes things more significant than really need to be by her angry reactions. Because I don't react this way in reverse, she also feels that I raise a lot if things with her and just fails to see that I am not more pedantic, I just am able to listen when things that she raises are said to me. They get quickly forgotten and aren't even remembered because I don't get angry- I take heed and listen. It's just when I am upset or frustrated with something, her reaction is so predictably extreme and aggressive that I think it becomes memorable. There is always an excuse. How I raise things; the things I raise etc - what is consistent is the angry reaction not seeing that I have tried everything. My one option that I feel I have is to just not say anything.

Let me explain how crazy this can be. On occasion, just recently, we were travelling in the car and playing a game to pass the time- 20 questions. My wife got frustrated, thought I was being patronising as she was having difficulty guessing who it was (I know- I cannot believe I am writing this!) and she said 'God you are a wanker'. I was a little stunned and calmly said, 'ok- I don't want to play anymore'. Because we were on a car journey, I couldn’t take time out to get away and collect my thoughts, so I just plugged in my ipod- all calmly. She did say why did I want to listen to my ipod, and I said I didn't want to just sit here in a her moody silence (yes- she got moody with me despite it being her calling me a personal comment) and I just wanted to zone out and relax. No shouting - all very calm. I was upset.

This ended up being a blazing argument - I just don't understand why a moment of reflection doesn't arrive where she calmly, genuinely says sorry and feels sorry for what she did. Instead she gets angry about the fact that I am upset/ annoyed with what she did.

Ultimately I keep saying to her that I am allowed to feel a certain way if things (big or small) happen and I want to be able to share that. I am want to feel like I am allowed to raise things if I feel a certain way, but these see not an attack. There's no need to react like this. I am on her team. But her constant anger is so tiring. I don't respect it. I feel like I have to walk constantly on egg shells and that I am unable to share anything without it being a blazing argument- big or small.

Its horrible.

If you can't accept her behaviour, OP, and she's unwilling to discuss it with you, then it's ultimatum time.

You need to be prepared to end it, though. Otherwise you're just wielding the ultimatum as a threat, and an empty one at that.

Not victim blaming - I'm still waiting for the op to share what the other criticisms he raises with his wife are - so that I can make some sort of meaningful response (as this isolated car incident is a red herring - there is the possibility that the wife reacted in this way because she spends her whole life being criticized about petty nonsense - but the op is being very quiet about that

Madwoman, just re-read what you said there. Can you not see that that whole sentence is victim blaming?

TheoreticalOrder totally agree.

I have lived with a situation like this for more than 20 years. Any attempt to raise any issue, however mildly controversial, results in my DW flying off the handle, becoming angry and abusive. She regards my raising any subject for discussion as a criticism of her, and any comments on her DCs are completely off limits. (I love both my DSDs very much, but they are not perfect and, when teenagers, occasionally irritated me greatly with their untidiness, rudeness et cetera. All perfectly normal, but annoying nonetheless.)

My DW believes that the best form of defence is attack and will counter anything she sees as criticism, however mild, with a vituperative attack on some real or alleged failing on my part. She has calmed down a bit in recent years, but until about five years ago we would have a scene at least once a week which ended with her screaming abuse at me and running out of the room. It was like sharing a house with a 14-year-old. Two sessions with Relate were a waste of time, as she refused to acknowledge her behaviour.

The consequence has been that real and important issues relating to our relationship with each other, and our relationships with each other's children, are never discussed, and that problems linger and fester unresolved. I am very familiar with "walking on eggshells" and sometimes I just despair of ever resolving any issue. If you reach a solution, please let me know!

Why have you stayed in such a destructive relationship, SilverBadger?

Did your wife call you a wanker when you said "You've forgotten a significant question", or when she said she felt patronised and you reacted to that? It's not clear.

In any case, she sounds pretty pissed off to call you names. Sounds to me like she finds your personality irritating - the way you talk to her, the way you "raise issues", the way you react in arguments. And it sounds like you feel the same about her. Has it always been like this? Maybe you are not compatible?

If I was irritated abut something and expressed that irritation, I'd hope my partner would react to the subject (e.g. "I wasn't being patronising! What was patronising about that?") rather than cutting me off entirely by putting on music as if I wasn't there, or turning it into a discussion about the words I used. That would feel like they were not listening to the point I was making (however shittily expressed) and make me doubly frustrated.

Also, if I'm angry and the other person reacts by making it about my anger, and deliberately acts super-calmly as if my anger is unwarranted, and they area calm and sensible angel while I am a harridan, that wouldn't make me calm down; quite the opposite.

This is not to say that your wife is right to call you names - just in an attempt to show how acting calmly and pulling away might actually make the situation more explosive, which you say is the last thing you want.

1. She has very low self esteem.

She probably feels unloved, not cared and not wanted.

2.Due to low self esteem she behaves in a defensive way.

(for example: when your partner/husband/boyfriend occupies himself with phone/ipod/or any other nonsense, the other part feels absolutely no one/useless/like she doesn't exist which leads to deeper feeling not being loved, wanted, appreciated...)

You have probably criticized her in the past that she took deep to her heart. It builds up and one easily becomes emotionally worn out. She probably feels hurt.

I had the same situation. He left me...

Why? because he only insisted in one thing and never tried to understand that i have emotions and feelings... When we just started he laughed at my dreams and hopes... Then changed his mind and tried to have me in his life. But I was completely worn out emotionally. His best shot had to be "being nice, calm and understanding". Instead he started to be defensive, called me names, then started to put me down for every single reason.

I'm not great either. But the experience I had left me with short breathing issues.

I was scared to reach him out in any single way, just because he built a wall between us. I did my best despite his utterly unacceptable behaviour.
The one thing he knew was: "my way or no way"

I let go, I couldn't bare anymore...

Still think about him, but only with pain...

If you can get something positive from what I wrote here you can make it work. Try if you want to save the marriage, if not then the best is to leave...

Good luck!

Lots of complicated reasons, but basically because I love her very much. She just requires careful handling! As we get older, it's getting better, but far from my ideal of quiet, reasoned discussion with a view of mutual agreement. Perhaps I'm being unrealistic. Perhaps I'm a patronising git. (Don't think so!)

Understanding each other's diffrent ways of handling stress is the way forward. Do some reading, go on a course. Together. Then discuss it afterwards.

I used to work with people that really pissed me off - the reason they pissed me off is the way they reacted (or not) to stuff was totally alien to me. I did some training on different styles and what happens when people are stressed. I then understood why they behaved as they did. They didn't piss me off as much after that as I "got" them, and I had a toolkit of actions that I could use in stressy situations.

I think calling a spouse "wanker" and "prick", even during an argument, is totally unacceptable. I have never been called names like that by anyone, much less my husband, and I would not use them myself, unless I saw someone abusing a child in public or something like that.

John Gottman, who studies marriage dynamics, says that signs of contempt like that are very ominous signs in a marriage.

I've just reread your OP and you do both scream opposite ends of many personality type spectrums. Have a look at MBTI or similar - I would guess on a crude level that you are introverted, patient and ordered, she is more extroverted, spontaneous and fluid.

hubby99. may I ask what your formative experience of relationships is? is one of your parents like this? did you have to appease someone like this as a child?

Ravens mum is absolutely right.

There is a very big difference between victim blaming, and understanding that the way you behave causes certain reactions in others. Relationships are about this interaction.

@TheoreticalOrder

Very agree with introvert/extrovert and stress handling styles.

OP, you sound a lot like my step dad and DM. They have different temperaments, my mum is hot-headed but my step dad is extremely passive aggressive, self-important and likes to turn things around so he always looks like the victim (sometimes he is). His worst trait and something that leads to non-resolution of arguments and months without speaking is that he stonewalls her and then comes to me and my sister telling us how bad she is and ow she won't speak to him and her anger is OTT and he thinks she's ill. She isn't, she's being ignored, sidelined, laughed at when she offers an opinion and belittled for thinking something that he doesn't agree with. She on the other hand lashes out with terribvle name calling, scowling, shouting and screaming. All very unhealthy.

I'm not saying this is your situation at all, but rather than putting your headphones on, maybe try and talk about what's happening or suggest counselling.

You actually could be my DSD reading your post because that's how he tells me about the problems with my DM, although, what I've witnessed with my own eyes and ears is a very different scenario. (They are both abusive to each other, BTW, not one sided at all.)

I hope you sort it out, my mum and step-dad are in the most depressing relationship I've ever seen and it makes them both very lonely and sad.

ImperialBlether

Sure. Sorry for the delay- I am at work so not avoiding this.

So my wife recently returned from a holiday with her friends. She was back for a day. We spoke on skype every day or so (not at either of our insistence I should add!- because we miss each other).

Once back she then said that her ex boyfriend was also in the same holiday spot (pure coincidence) and they bumped into one another on the first day. I don't know him. Never had an issue with him. No problem. My wife is openly sensitive about my past relationships and I have to be careful about talking about holidays/ places I went to with exes- even if I say 'we' in a sentence that can cause trouble so I have to be careful, and am ok to be. I don't feel that strongly about her history- with exes. Things just are as they are. With this in mind, she didn't mention anything while she was away about him also being there. She was worried that I would be worried and this was well intended.

She then returned and told me. I just said that she could have told me straight away if she wanted to share this- there's no issue here- not wanting to share this with me until she was back made it feel a lot bigger than it needed to be - why not say straight away, or perhaps not even at all- it made me feel uncomfortable that we would chat so many times while she was away and not feel able to say this. I said the thought of that just made me feel a little weird.

Then- BOOM. World War 3. I was accused of questioning her intentions; making her feel bad when I shouldn't etc

Maki79- my DP is just the same!! We had an ongoing issue regarding whether it's a stew or a casserole? Or when I said 'side' for kitchen work surface he told me I needed to be specific and would not let it drop.

My primary instinct when called names is to withdraw and not engage in the potential pissing contest. The alternative is pretty ugly (and pretty impossible and unsafe, in a car). It's a simple fight or flight reaction.

Honestly, OP, you have no kids, you find it impossible to communicate with each other and you've had some pretty nasty reactions from your DW, whether they were justified or not. I can't see a happy future in a relationship that's reached this point without a lot of work on both sides, if it's possible at all. If she genuinely dislikes you, as it appears she does, then it's irretrievable. If she saves these special outbursts just for you, then it's time to cut your losses before the relationship damages you both.

DH can be patronising, occasionally. I don't call him names for it. I just mansplain back at him.

I think the last situation you describe is slightly more tricky from her POV
Ideally you could have been cool about her bumping into an ex whenever she told you about it and just said "Well, what an amazing coincidence. These things do happen sometimes on holiday. I've heard so many stories like this ..."
Still as usual no excuse for WW3 as you put it

You couldn't make this thread up.

The next woman to say her DH explodes at her and she feels she can't bring anything up we'dbetter be
sure we:

Pick fault with her posting style and call her annoying.

Say that if someone calls you a sweary name, you should apologise for driving them to it.

Assure them that it's the dynamics at fault not the anger.

But that won't ever happen.

Oh and remind her that a tone of voice can be very provoking, so pay attention to that too.

Yes, I do agree with you Morris
MN is probably not very even handed when men are posting

You put your ipod on, If you did that to me while i was talking to you, you'd be picking your balls out of the back of your head! I'm sorry but you actually sound quite controlling and patronising.