My wife - she just cannot handle any 'criticism'- big nor small- HELP

[Husband99]

Things are pretty rough. I just cannot raise anything with my wife without her just getting angry and now I'm stuck to know what to do. It seems I either just shut up- no matter it is- or it will kick off. The former just doesn't seem like a sustainable way to live.

Mostly things that come up are just petty. For example, I hate being late. She is always late when we have to leave for things. That puts me in a grump; I know it does- and need to get perspective- but I also do not think these things are the end of the world. What makes these situations far worse is how she reacts. Then it becomes her angry reaction (that always happens) that we argue about the reaction, and not the tiny thing that initially caused it that becomes long forgotten.

Basically she flips and loses her temper every time I raise even the tiniest issue and things immediately switch and she says that she is the one hard fine by having to deal with this. It just puts me in a position where I cannot raise any issue with her or else she will just flip. She never quietly considers a point, reflects, try's to appreciate where someone else (i.e. me) is coming from. Her instinct is always to just get angry and go on the 'attack'- every time.

I do my best to remain calm in these instances, but she quickly raises her voice and slips into personal insults like calling me a 'prick ' - I'll admit, I resort to saying things back at times. I am not perfect- my patience is not infinite and I know this is damaging to our relationship. To be honest, I do this as I feel bullied. I am forever in these instances saying 'but I am the one whose is upset with something you have done- why are you shouting at me?'. I just don't understand. We do discuss this, but nothing changes.

She doesn't seem to see that she makes things more significant than really need to be by her angry reactions. Because I don't react this way in reverse, she also feels that I raise a lot if things with her and just fails to see that I am not more pedantic, I just am able to listen when things that she raises are said to me. They get quickly forgotten and aren't even remembered because I don't get angry- I take heed and listen. It's just when I am upset or frustrated with something, her reaction is so predictably extreme and aggressive that I think it becomes memorable. There is always an excuse. How I raise things; the things I raise etc - what is consistent is the angry reaction not seeing that I have tried everything. My one option that I feel I have is to just not say anything.

Let me explain how crazy this can be. On occasion, just recently, we were travelling in the car and playing a game to pass the time- 20 questions. My wife got frustrated, thought I was being patronising as she was having difficulty guessing who it was (I know- I cannot believe I am writing this!) and she said 'God you are a wanker'. I was a little stunned and calmly said, 'ok- I don't want to play anymore'. Because we were on a car journey, I couldn’t take time out to get away and collect my thoughts, so I just plugged in my ipod- all calmly. She did say why did I want to listen to my ipod, and I said I didn't want to just sit here in a her moody silence (yes- she got moody with me despite it being her calling me a personal comment) and I just wanted to zone out and relax. No shouting - all very calm. I was upset.

This ended up being a blazing argument - I just don't understand why a moment of reflection doesn't arrive where she calmly, genuinely says sorry and feels sorry for what she did. Instead she gets angry about the fact that I am upset/ annoyed with what she did.

Ultimately I keep saying to her that I am allowed to feel a certain way if things (big or small) happen and I want to be able to share that. I am want to feel like I am allowed to raise things if I feel a certain way, but these see not an attack. There's no need to react like this. I am on her team. But her constant anger is so tiring. I don't respect it. I feel like I have to walk constantly on egg shells and that I am unable to share anything without it being a blazing argument- big or small.

Its horrible.

[Wideopenspace]

I have thought and thought about whether to post. I am a long time poster who has recently come back following a shitstorm in which I had to get MNHQ to remove all my posts because my ex partner was finding them and using them as evidence of my terrible behaviour.

He said I was over sensitive and 'blew' at every perceived criticism
He valued staying calm and unemotional and just getting on with stuff above all else
I felt criticised, ignored, undervalued, unsupported and shit most of the time

This led to me becoming secretive, more sensitive and frankly a bit unstable. I behaved pretty awfully. We separated and I am now finally able to reflect on myself, in my own time. I could not have done that in the environment of the relationship. I am slowly realising that my behaviour was partly down to my 'stuff', from my childhood, and partly down to the dynamic in the relationship.

I repeat: I would not have been able to reflect and start becoming really happy within that relationship.

This is just my perspective. My ex would probably say something different.

[Lookatmyredtrousers]

Matilda why all the focus on the childish game? It's only a small part of the post.

[NorahDentressangle]

Reasons I would like to criticize my DH (but don't for a peaceful life)
Nose picking
Claiming I haven't told him things I have
Being unfit
Being overweight
Driving too fast
Always wanting to advise everyone as he knows best
whingeing about there being no marmalade/ shreddies etc when only he eats them so he needs to remind me if he needs more
Giving a drawn out detailed explanation of something I have no interest in whatsoever
Wittering about ordering more heating oil (it's never run out yet FFS)
Looking smug as he remembered to put out the bins for once
Faffing about stuff I have always done without trouble in the past eg shopping list
Being grumpy because I am watching something he has no interest in on the tv
etc

Perhaps I am being unfair to OP but if my DH starts to criticize me he will be told where to go in no uncertain terms.

The game whilst driving ime sounds like OP taking it v seriously and determined to win, his DW getting bored with it and annoyed as he is so determined. It is a game after all.
Again I could be being unfair.

[Husband99]

I just want to be able to feel disgruntled about something- be it intentional or not- and be able to share it without it kicking off. That's all.

I am far from perfect. I have (as I said above) not always been calm. I am never the first to raise my voice, interrupt of say something personal.

I am older- 4 years- slightly more senior at work (just because of age, not ability) and pretty career focused- my wife is not necessarily, so we are different, but that's ok. I am a strong character, and perhaps my curse is that I am attracted to strong characters.

Look- I know when I have been a dick. I feel guilty, and I say sorry. I am not scared of saying sorry for my part.

All I want is for that instinctive red mist to be managed so I am able to say how I feel and it not just go on and on. I remember talking to a colleague and he jokingly said to me 'my wife is always right you know. Things are smoother that way'. I remember thinking: I just couldn't live like that.

Perhaps that's a flaw in me, but I just don't think that is mutually respectful.

After these moments, I hate it. I do struggle to let it go. After being called a wanker and then having a two hour argument, I do struggle to respect that and therefore, I guess, her. All the time I am just thinking; you have upset me- why are you shouting? Why are you angry? If I had hurt you, I would do anything to make it better.

I know people are asking about examples of things I have 'raised': its not really like that: its not about the washing or the bathroom or stuff like that- its a bit more complicated.

[Wideopenspace]

I think you will find it difficult to work this out alone - mediation might help?

It sounds very similar to the dynamic in my relationship - or at least I know that is how my ex would have described it (although I didn't ever name call).

I can only tell you how I felt - lost, lonely, inferior, out of control, unsupported and like any show of emotion would be disregarded as 'over emotional' - I think some of this became a self fulfilling prophesy.

I am not like this with anyone else in my life. At work I am calm and rational. With my friends I am calm. So there was something in the dynamic of the relationship that caused me to behave like this (and caused my ex to behave how he did)

[NorahDentressangle]

Call a meeting. You both sit down without interruptions for an hour/half an hour. Take turns to speak. See what comes out.

If she refuses to do this then maybe give up.

We did the talk thing and it was really helpful. Hearing both sides to some things was an eye opener.

[Husband99]

Wideopenspace that is us- exactly the same. We are not like this anywhere else. She cause me so much pain. But also gives me so much happiness. I know I am doing things to make her unhappy too. I hate that. But it is almost like I cannot respect myself if I have to forever bite my tongue for the rest of my life.

She has hit me once, and shut doors on me a few times. Just my legs- not my fingers.

I do think she is controlling but she does not see it at all. We had some counselling. Our advisor told us to have 20 minute breaks if things got heated to cool down. The problem is, she does not agree to it if I ever ask for this time. She'll use it that, but then not commit to saying when we will talk again. I am no psychologist, but little things like feeling the need to close doors behind me when I am leaving a room, does strike me as a need to control.

I do sense there is torment and anger in her. Her father died 6 years ago and i know this stills troubles her. Whether there is a feeling of injustice that links to this I just don't know.

I do know at times I do not help her; but then is it helping her by me just becoming a passive push over.

This is effecting my life more broadly. I consciusly have to manage my temperament more - in part becuase of damage from this, in part becuase of fatigue?- I don't know.

[Wideopenspace]

My ex partner says he felt he was walking on eggshells.

I felt just the same.

There were other complicating factors, which aren't perhaps relevant to you, and I don't want to make this about me!

I know that we got into a pattern of communicating that was terribly, terribly damaging and dysfunctional - it is only with time and distance that I can see my part in that. Whilst in the relationship, I couldn't. I just felt under constant pressure and this led to me (sometimes) over reacting and my ex saying my feelings were not valid.

[NorahDentressangle]

What about both going for individual counseling.

Everyone ime is hugely influenced by events in their childhoods.

[meandjulio]

One day I will post on a thread by a wife whose husband has threatened her and say it's probably his low self-esteem. [ducks]

Because I do think there's a lot of truth to that, and I think that therapy could help, but it could take a long time. You might have to give an ultimatum and stick to it, involving you REFUSING to live like this any more and that she needs to get some therapy/you need some couples therapy. Just like the threats, you do not have to accept this.

[Saltedcaramel2014]

It sounds really tough. For what it's worth, you sound reasonable and self-aware and I respect that you're not playing the blame game, you want things to be better. I also agree that in a relationship you do need to raise issues. The very perception of something as 'criticism' is down to the individual. I could have raised something with my ex that would have been perceived as criticism - so there would hand been an angry reaction - and I could now raise with my current partner and discuss calmly and rationally, leading to better mutual understanding. I used to see everything as criticism! Was so blimmin insecure. It was a journey to realise I didn't have to be perfect to be worth caring about. Is suggest you get counselling individually. And don't have kids until there has been a definite improvement. I'd probably leave. There are a lot of reasonable people out there.

[Saltedcaramel2014]

Ps and I second what meandjulio says - you really don't have to accept this.

[Joysmum]

Ok, I'll just say that if she doesn't do this to others only you, you've got to wonder if it's worth it.

Tbh, having just read your last update where you've disclosed she's physically violent on numerous occasions I would advise you to leave.

[Offred]

She is abusive and you should leave. This relationship was over the first time she physically assaulted you. There are plenty of people out there who won't scream insults at you and shut you in doors when you try to communicate with them. Even if you don't find one surely it is better to be alone than live like this?

[Nolim]

If you have tried counselling and se does not or cannot abide buy the rules of respectful communication i dont think there is much you can do op.

[flipflapsflop]

she doesn't see it as controlling, but nonetheless you are controlled.

weirdly the fact that you feel the need to modify your behaviour to accommodate her damaged ego kind of makes you the one who wants control.

bear with me. you want to control her response. ie, don't flip about being late, don't get defensive about a light hearted 20 ques game.

you will never be able to control her response, because she is damaged. if you become a passive push over, you will be damaged.

please consider ending this relationship.

[Husband99]

I have just left. We were both at her mother's house but I am going home.

I called a cab and was given an ultimatum that if I go, we are over.

I got in the cab.

I have just text her:

I have decided. I am no longer willing to be in a relationship where I cannot say anything that nags, annoys or frustrates me (in whatever minor or major way) without it becoming a full blown argument. I have decided I am unwilling to be a passive pushover- it isn't me and it just never will be. I am allowed to have thoughts, feelings and opinions and feel the way i do, and I want to be able to share them in a trusted space. What I am seeking is not carte blanche to say whatever I like- I just want to be able to say that keeping me waiting outside is annoying and it not become a deep, relationship/ existential conversation. I am unhappy. I know you are too. If the above is asking for too much then we have to plan accordingly as what I am seeking is not negotiable if I am to be happy.

I know I did not mention us as a couple here, but it has just got to the stage where I have to stand up for myself. Sorry if that appears selfish, but it is just where I am at.

[Nolim]

Good luck op.

[flipflapsflop]

its not selfish. its self preservation. good luck. be strong and be kind.

[ImperialBlether]

She said that the relationship was over just because you wanted to go back home? What led up to that? Had there been arguments?

[Saltedcaramel2014]

You know what, genuinely loving and respectful relationships don't contain ultimatums over things like this. They just don't. You are well out of this. Good luck OP. Keep the focus on what you are and aren't prepared to tolerate.

[Husband99]

We were still discussing the holiday issue. Still- I know- ridiculous. Bit as I said above, our arguments become about the reaction, and not the original issue.

We talked about it last night we then got back to her mother's house. We were in her room (next to her mother's) and I gesticulated as I was talking- heaven knows what I was saying- I cannot recall.

She then did this strange voice as if she was talking to her mum in the other room- 'Don't put your hand in my face'....I didn't! It was surreal- it was like an out of body moment when I just thought- this whole scenario is utter nonsense and you are trying to make me out to be something I am not.

We talked about it later today- I explained that I felt it was out of order doing that- making it out so her mum could hear that I was a physical threat, I said it was especially hurtful given that I have and never would cross that line- but she has done in the past.

She says I am never allowed to mention that she has done this- hit me that is.

I just said I am going home and I would like some space over teh week end- I think that would be best- then came her ultimatum- and I sent my text.

I'm on the train now.

[Wideopenspace]

With respect, these two accounts sound different to me:

'I called a cab and was given an ultimatum that if I go, we are over'

'I just said I am going home and I would like some space over the weekend - I think that would be best - then came her ultimatum'

[Husband99]

Sorry- I'll clarify; I called a cab. I then said that I am going and that I wanted space on the week end; I wouldn't leave without saying something- then came the ultimatum which was repeated once the taxi arrived.

[Husband99]

She just replied- 'I understand'

No idea where this is going.