My wife - she just cannot handle any 'criticism'- big nor small- HELP

[Husband99]

Things are pretty rough. I just cannot raise anything with my wife without her just getting angry and now I'm stuck to know what to do. It seems I either just shut up- no matter it is- or it will kick off. The former just doesn't seem like a sustainable way to live.

Mostly things that come up are just petty. For example, I hate being late. She is always late when we have to leave for things. That puts me in a grump; I know it does- and need to get perspective- but I also do not think these things are the end of the world. What makes these situations far worse is how she reacts. Then it becomes her angry reaction (that always happens) that we argue about the reaction, and not the tiny thing that initially caused it that becomes long forgotten.

Basically she flips and loses her temper every time I raise even the tiniest issue and things immediately switch and she says that she is the one hard fine by having to deal with this. It just puts me in a position where I cannot raise any issue with her or else she will just flip. She never quietly considers a point, reflects, try's to appreciate where someone else (i.e. me) is coming from. Her instinct is always to just get angry and go on the 'attack'- every time.

I do my best to remain calm in these instances, but she quickly raises her voice and slips into personal insults like calling me a 'prick ' - I'll admit, I resort to saying things back at times. I am not perfect- my patience is not infinite and I know this is damaging to our relationship. To be honest, I do this as I feel bullied. I am forever in these instances saying 'but I am the one whose is upset with something you have done- why are you shouting at me?'. I just don't understand. We do discuss this, but nothing changes.

She doesn't seem to see that she makes things more significant than really need to be by her angry reactions. Because I don't react this way in reverse, she also feels that I raise a lot if things with her and just fails to see that I am not more pedantic, I just am able to listen when things that she raises are said to me. They get quickly forgotten and aren't even remembered because I don't get angry- I take heed and listen. It's just when I am upset or frustrated with something, her reaction is so predictably extreme and aggressive that I think it becomes memorable. There is always an excuse. How I raise things; the things I raise etc - what is consistent is the angry reaction not seeing that I have tried everything. My one option that I feel I have is to just not say anything.

Let me explain how crazy this can be. On occasion, just recently, we were travelling in the car and playing a game to pass the time- 20 questions. My wife got frustrated, thought I was being patronising as she was having difficulty guessing who it was (I know- I cannot believe I am writing this!) and she said 'God you are a wanker'. I was a little stunned and calmly said, 'ok- I don't want to play anymore'. Because we were on a car journey, I couldn’t take time out to get away and collect my thoughts, so I just plugged in my ipod- all calmly. She did say why did I want to listen to my ipod, and I said I didn't want to just sit here in a her moody silence (yes- she got moody with me despite it being her calling me a personal comment) and I just wanted to zone out and relax. No shouting - all very calm. I was upset.

This ended up being a blazing argument - I just don't understand why a moment of reflection doesn't arrive where she calmly, genuinely says sorry and feels sorry for what she did. Instead she gets angry about the fact that I am upset/ annoyed with what she did.

Ultimately I keep saying to her that I am allowed to feel a certain way if things (big or small) happen and I want to be able to share that. I am want to feel like I am allowed to raise things if I feel a certain way, but these see not an attack. There's no need to react like this. I am on her team. But her constant anger is so tiring. I don't respect it. I feel like I have to walk constantly on egg shells and that I am unable to share anything without it being a blazing argument- big or small.

Its horrible.

You seem to be playing mind games now. Stop. It's not going to help.

Sorry in advance if I am asking a silly question or going over old ground. I've read the whole thread and been following for days, and really feel for you.

Have you considered sitting down with her, face to face, and just asking her outright (simply and directly) if she still loves you? Does she want to be with you? Telling her that if she does, things need to change and that you want to work together to make things better.

If she does love you she will surely see the enormity of this, and how hurt you are. If she is a decent human being she will surely be honest with you but even if she isn't im sure her body language will let you know.

Look I know everyone is saying you should just leave this relationship, and I believe that's probably for the best, but I also see how much you love her and how much you need to give this marriage a fighting chance.

I just think you need to speak to her face to face and stop all the 'games' and power struggles.

That's what she now wants to do , Caramella.

I'm unsure if she really has cheated. She denies it. She did say she had further email communication with her ex (the one which ended badly) and did not tell me- it doesn't seem more than that.

That does make me resent even more that I get/ got it in the neck for searching for an ex of Facebook with no contact made or planned .

She now wants to 'spend time with one another ' tomorrow . I had already said that because it always resorts to shouting and swearing by her, I cannot commit to a conversation without a third party there. My view on this has not changed.

I am also seeking personal support .

I am ok. Honestly.

Husband99 - I've been following this thread over the days.

Your marriage is a crock of shit, sorry. Whilst you're mulling over the whys and wherefores, your life is tick ticking away. You have no kids, which is a blessing in this situation.

Do you really think that your wife is going to have an epiphany and completely overhaul her personality? It's highly unlikely.

It all sounds like such hard work, and I can't understand why you are so determined to have her acknowledge her poor behaviour, or to have her understand where you're coming from. Well actually, I can understand it a little actually, but it's so unlikely to happen.

In your shoes I would be quietly looking for alternative accommodation, visiting a solicitor and sorting out my finances whilst maintaining some sort of status quo in the meantime.

I know you love her, and maybe she loves you, who knows? But this continual angst, it's no way to live, just make your plans and leave.

It can be done. I left someone that I truly loved for similar reasons. Once the bad started to outweigh the good, I left. I'm not saying it was easy, but I'm so glad I did it.

Good luck.

You are far from OK sweetheart, and I really feel for you. Did I read that you haven't even been married for a year.....or was it three? Either way, if you have already reached the stage where you can't have a conversation/discussion without a third party present, your marriage would seem to be over. I suspect, however, that you are in for a lot more heartache from your wife, before it's finally finished. I am so so sorry.

If you have family, please reach out to them. Your mum if possible. You need all the support that only those who truly love you can give.

Married for 1 year (last Sunday)- together for 3.

Just end it already before there's children who could be really damaged by this dysfunctional relationship.

give each other a chance to find better partners. Love just isn't enough to make this marriage work.

3 years - good grief - I agree - end it.
It really is not worth the hassle.
You will find someone you are more compatible with and be far happier.

You sound utterly miserable together. Why stay? Why want to? I know you've had a lot of sympathy on this thread but you also come across as someone who doesn't like his wife at all (don't blame you form the info you've given) You are critical of her - perhaps rightly so. There's no warmth. Marriage is not a point scoring exercise of who is right or wrong, who is nicer or most tolerant. It's mutual give and take, even in tough times.
It's a long life. Meet a woman you like and respect as well as love.

I had a high octane relationship like this once. I cannot tell you the bliss, h99, of my calm, kind, humorous marriage now. I can't explain how much mental space it has given me for my many other interests. Neither is it easy to convey the strain of v young children and how much more important kindness and gentleness is with them. If I were you I'd forget thinking of this terms of blame or even your wife and just think about what you'd like your life to look like in ten years. And take care

This morning we had a long chat; a small break through as we were civil , but it ended a bit rubbish.

I had a think and called back. I told my wife I loved her, that this was killing me, that I felt I had and was failing her. She listened, and said she felt rubbish too- I had rigid ally called to say I cannot do this anymore.

I went on to say I was worried; worried that all the following 'actions' from this time apart will sit with me, and no changes will cone from her. I said, as I have continued to, that I feel I cannot say anything- be myself- and it not cause an argument. My wife rejected this and continued to say I knit pick things that affect her that she just doesn't care about- I guess that's the point; she doesn't but I do- and I just don't knit pick.

I then said we are over. I cannot continue like this. I fear I have given her exactly what she wants . This happened at around midday today.

Tough times ahead I know . I am fearful and scared. All I wanted was to be stable and gave a family with the woman I love.

I'm so sorry to read this. I know this wasn't what you wanted but, for what it's worth, I think you've done the right thing.

And I know it's cheesy but you love her. You've set her free. If she really loves you and wants to change, she might come back. And if she doesn't then this really is a lucky escape and a new start for you.

So sorry that you are hurting right now but from all you've written, I can't help but feel this is best for you both.

All the best for your future. I hope one day you find a good relationship that will shine a lot on how messed us this one has been.

Sorry for your pain, H99 From everything you've posted though it's for the best.

I hear your sadness, and am sorry You were courageous; it takes moral strength to say your truth simply & clearly.

You have set her free.

Whatever you do with yourself short-term, do remember you're grieving - great hope and trust is a really painful loss. You don't have to make any sudden life changes, and you do need to surround yourself with good friends.

Eat, wash, breathe and sleep! Hope you can get a calm & easy Sunday.

I'm truly sorry that you are suffering this way H99. You have had the courage to say exactly how you feel, but that doesn't take away the awful pain. You may even feel a failure.....you are absolutely not.....and it will take time for you to regain your confidence, and be able to trust again. Your wife's reaction is very telling isn't it? If she really loved you, she would have rushed to your side, to reassure you that she wanted your marriage to work. As you say, you appear to have given her what she wants, but she is too cowardly to say if that is the case.

Take care of yourself. Turn to the people who care for you, and allow your emotions full rein. You will be happy again.....just not yet awhile.

H99, I'm sorry it has come to this, I really am.

Be nice to yourself. Have a peaceful Sunday.

I'm sorry op.

However, the statement 'I fear I have given her exactly what she wants' confuses me. She's unhappy but too stubborn to end it, whilst you are also unhappy but mature enough to say that things aren't working out. There's nothing for you to feel bad about there; you have made the most potentially constructive choice. If you had stayed together without this confrontation then things would not have improved. That is fairly certain. You've chosen progress versus stagnation. Still painful though.

Hope that you have a less stressful day today

Thanks all. I know it is going to be really tough. I am saying goodbye to someone I really love. You just cannot force someone to love you back and I always hoped she was aware of the commitment we were both making when we married in the first place.

I'm gutted.

My heart is breaking for you. Such a terrible thing to have happened. It's desperately sad when any marriage ends but especially when one person wishes it could still work. If she won't accept her faults though, and make some kind of an effort to mend things, then I think you would be opening yourself to heartache for the rest of your days.

You have a lot of love to give and you seem to be willing to make huge efforts for someone you care about. I suspect your future holds much happiness down the road. This too will pass and you will look back and think it was a good thing because ultimately it lead you to a loving and healthy relationship with someone else where you may raise a family, have a constant best buddy at your side and above all else, be free to relax and be yourself.

How are things Husband99?

Things are in the balance.

We met up on sunday evening to talk; I thought it would be a practical conversation about moving forward- moving out etc, but it ended up being a conversation (quite open and honest) about the situation.

She said she understood why i felt that way I did; she said that while I was being reassuring- saying that I wanted 'us' to work on things- she did not. While not agreeing with what I did (i.e. breaking us up), she said she understood why I did.

She said she was seeking council support to help her and how she reacts; she did not explain this to me like this before- she said it was support for her. She also said she wanted to work on things between us.

This catches me on a day when I feel pretty tired- all of this has caught up with me a bit today, so I am not at my most up beat.

I think it is too early for us to call this off, although I acknowledge we have a moutain to climb. We have got into some real bad habits that is disfunctional at best.

I sense a chorus of 'bad move' comments brewing out there...all I can say is I know, but we have to try.

OP, I feel for you, I really do.

If you do make the decision to try again, may I suggest that you agree between you a timescale for it? For example, that you will give it six months and if things are not substantially better between you, you will call it a day? (They don't have to be perfect, just moving in the right direction with some commitment). It may also help to outline what 'substantially better' would look like to you both, so that you are clear what the ambitions are from the start. I would suggest that this is something you both need to do with a counsellor present. I think it will be a HUGE reality check for her to go to therapy with you and hear your side of things.

I do believe that people can change, but I think that it takes a huge amount of commitment and patience. I have heard a lot of people say that they want to change, without really wanting to. Which can just lead the other person to a horrible pattern of hope, then a crash, and a gradual spiral into despair and hopelessness. This could be a way of ensuring that either way you win - either the relationship improves, or you walk secure in the knowledge that you tried everything.

No bad move comments from me, just want to wish you all the best :)

Shove has pretty much said what I would. Just sending a friendly shoulder-squeeze, H99.