My wife - she just cannot handle any 'criticism'- big nor small- HELP

[Husband99]

Things are pretty rough. I just cannot raise anything with my wife without her just getting angry and now I'm stuck to know what to do. It seems I either just shut up- no matter it is- or it will kick off. The former just doesn't seem like a sustainable way to live.

Mostly things that come up are just petty. For example, I hate being late. She is always late when we have to leave for things. That puts me in a grump; I know it does- and need to get perspective- but I also do not think these things are the end of the world. What makes these situations far worse is how she reacts. Then it becomes her angry reaction (that always happens) that we argue about the reaction, and not the tiny thing that initially caused it that becomes long forgotten.

Basically she flips and loses her temper every time I raise even the tiniest issue and things immediately switch and she says that she is the one hard fine by having to deal with this. It just puts me in a position where I cannot raise any issue with her or else she will just flip. She never quietly considers a point, reflects, try's to appreciate where someone else (i.e. me) is coming from. Her instinct is always to just get angry and go on the 'attack'- every time.

I do my best to remain calm in these instances, but she quickly raises her voice and slips into personal insults like calling me a 'prick ' - I'll admit, I resort to saying things back at times. I am not perfect- my patience is not infinite and I know this is damaging to our relationship. To be honest, I do this as I feel bullied. I am forever in these instances saying 'but I am the one whose is upset with something you have done- why are you shouting at me?'. I just don't understand. We do discuss this, but nothing changes.

She doesn't seem to see that she makes things more significant than really need to be by her angry reactions. Because I don't react this way in reverse, she also feels that I raise a lot if things with her and just fails to see that I am not more pedantic, I just am able to listen when things that she raises are said to me. They get quickly forgotten and aren't even remembered because I don't get angry- I take heed and listen. It's just when I am upset or frustrated with something, her reaction is so predictably extreme and aggressive that I think it becomes memorable. There is always an excuse. How I raise things; the things I raise etc - what is consistent is the angry reaction not seeing that I have tried everything. My one option that I feel I have is to just not say anything.

Let me explain how crazy this can be. On occasion, just recently, we were travelling in the car and playing a game to pass the time- 20 questions. My wife got frustrated, thought I was being patronising as she was having difficulty guessing who it was (I know- I cannot believe I am writing this!) and she said 'God you are a wanker'. I was a little stunned and calmly said, 'ok- I don't want to play anymore'. Because we were on a car journey, I couldn’t take time out to get away and collect my thoughts, so I just plugged in my ipod- all calmly. She did say why did I want to listen to my ipod, and I said I didn't want to just sit here in a her moody silence (yes- she got moody with me despite it being her calling me a personal comment) and I just wanted to zone out and relax. No shouting - all very calm. I was upset.

This ended up being a blazing argument - I just don't understand why a moment of reflection doesn't arrive where she calmly, genuinely says sorry and feels sorry for what she did. Instead she gets angry about the fact that I am upset/ annoyed with what she did.

Ultimately I keep saying to her that I am allowed to feel a certain way if things (big or small) happen and I want to be able to share that. I am want to feel like I am allowed to raise things if I feel a certain way, but these see not an attack. There's no need to react like this. I am on her team. But her constant anger is so tiring. I don't respect it. I feel like I have to walk constantly on egg shells and that I am unable to share anything without it being a blazing argument- big or small.

Its horrible.

[BlueToo74]

Husband99 I feel for you. I walk on eggshells, I have the same angry outburst thrown at me and rough patches (am in one right now) with my husband. It is soul destroying to be wrong ALL of the time, and to constantly have to second guess the reaction you will get to very minor things. A calm response can often make the situation worse in my case.
If I was an outsider looking in I would think a person was crazy to stay in this kind of relationship, and would recommend they get out of it as soon as possible - but when it is someone you care deeply about and have shared such a huge part of your life with it is very difficult - especially when you have children too as we have.
It is also very easy to make things right by smoothing things over for an easier life, but this time I have decided enough is enough and am trying to take a step towards stopping this predictable spiral occurring time and time again.
I have tried to raise the subject of joint therapy (and possibly anger management whispered very quietly) but was predictably met with an angry tirade on how low and insulting I could possibly be as to even suggest this!?!?!
I wish I had a miracle cure to share with you, but my first step to trying to sort this out is to decide exactly what is best for ME and my children in this situation, and I think you should too.

[Offred]

Can no-one really see that this man is describing being scared of his wife's angry outbursts? Jeez...

I have put my headphones in in the car in a similar situation where I have felt scared and trapped as it is the only way to calm myself and alleviate my fears. I've also gotten out of the car and walked off and left the room and hidden from BF in my own house where he doesn't live just because being subjected to this angry and extreme reaction is very, very frightening. I have no doubt he would never hit me but what he says and how he says it is awful and he doesn't stop when I get upset, he will carry on - sometimes the only thing you can do to protect yourself is walk away or block it out.

[Offred]

The headphones thing is not indicative of stonewalling and he clearly stated that he put the headphones in after trying and failing to engage and reason with her. Stonewallin. Would be refusing to engage. He didn't do that.

[ItsNotAsPerfectAsItSeems]

I am volatile whilst DH is calm and measured. He handles me well though as he had leaned to allow me to shout and rant and he listens and talks and I calm. If he walked away or switch off, I know it would drive me insane and I would probably lose my temper hugely. I'm not proud of that but it's who I am. By arguing back with me (not appeasing me) DH allows me to vent and come back down to a relaxed state. My volatility would probably always be ready to explode if DH chose to either ignore me or walk on eggshells/appease me. As it is, it only happens when I get mega stressed about something and he really does handle it brilliantly.

I don't know what the background is here. Whether the OP is in an abusive relationship or whether he is constantly coming out with low level stuff like criticising her driving or how she has cooked. If it's the former then he needs to leave, certainly before they have children. If the latter, then taking at good look at what is necessary to pick on would be a good start. If this is the situation then I'd advise counselling to help them move forward as a couple. But if you're a reasonable guy who isn't critical of every day stuff then leave.

I do agree with MadWoman that I'd like the op to list the sort of stuff he criticises and how often if happens as it could well be that she is being defensive.

[ProbablyJustGas]

I've been the woman with the hair-trigger temper, OP, and work on it every day. But, I don't think you need to justify anything to anyone here. Your wife's behavior is out of order, no matter how she may feel about anything you're doing. Would it be right for her to behave like that with her boss, if her boss was criticizing her, or being patronizing, and pissing her off?

I do have a hunch that you two probably need to break up. Changing behavior patterns in a relationship takes massive effort from both parties. You probably won't get her to stop reacting the way she does, unless you throw down some calm, firm, and consistent boundaries about how you wish to be treated. If you're pretty certain that telling her calmly, "I will not speak to you while you address me like that," and walking away for awhile, will do jack squat... then the only boundary that's going to send a message may well be walking away from the relationship.

Are you an angel? Doesn't matter. There are people out there who know how to enforce their own boundaries, so to speak, without resorting to abuse.

[CatsCantTwerk]

This thread is shocking.

Op, please ignore the man haters/victim blamers. I have lived with someone like your dw and it is draining. You are in an abusive relationship and the only advice I can give is to run for the hills.

[happywiththis]

I think she's being very unreasonable & childish.
But there may be a bigger reason for this. Is there any chance she could be depressed? Or be suffering from another type of mind illness?
I say this because its not normal to blow up every time somebody has something to raise with you...even if people have different ways of dealing with things. I think the generally accepted mature way of dealing with criticism is to at least listen and try to see someone else's point of view.
You could try writing a note/card to her outlining how unhappy you are with the situation, how you're worried about her & her reactions, how you'd love things to improve, and that you're willing to hear her criticisms of you and try to do better. Nothing patronising, just respectful & open. That way it might not lead to a big furor?

[Husband99]

TheoriginalLEM That isn't what I did. I just said the game isn't fun anymore. I don't really want to play. I'm going to listen to some music and just zone out for a bit.

If that warrants me having to pick my balls out of the back of my head (as you say), fair enough.

[ProbablyJustGas]

I've been the woman with the hair-trigger temper, OP, and I work on it every day. But, I really don't think you need to justify anything to anyone here. Your wife's behavior does sound out of order, no matter how she may feel about anything you're doing. Would it be right for her to behave like that with her boss, if her boss was criticizing her, or being patronizing, and pissing her off?

I do think you two might need to break up. Changing behavior patterns in a relationship takes massive effort from both parties. You probably won't get her to stop reacting the way she does, unless you throw down some calm, firm, and consistent boundaries about how you wish to be treated. If you're pretty certain that telling her calmly, "I will not speak to you while you address me like that," and walking away for awhile, will do jack squat... then the only boundary that's going to send a message may well be walking away from the relationship.

Are you an angel? IMO, it really doesn't matter. There will be people out there who know how to enforce their own boundaries with you, so to speak, without resorting to abuse. It has taken me years to figure out how to tell someone, for example: "You know, I put a lot of thought into this, and it really me hurt to hear you talk it down," or more specifically: "You know, I felt a bit embarrassed that I couldn't figure out the answer during our game, and when you spoke to me with that tone of voice, I felt like you thought I was stupid," or even, even more specifically: "It really frustrates me when I ask your opinion on what to have for dinner, and you defer the decision back to me, and then complain about what we're having. Next time you don't want to help me decide what to cook, you are waiving your right to moan about the meal. I mean it." That is a boundary, and it communicates how the criticized party feels far more effectively than: "Oh, you don't like it? Well, fuck you, then".

[flipflapsflop]

the holiday thing is very indicative.

given that you don't have children, you have to end this relationship as kindly as you can.

[flipflapsflop]

the holiday thing is very indicative.

given that you don't have children, you have to end this relationship as kindly as you can.

[flipflapsflop]

the holiday thing is very indicative.

given that you don't have children, you should consider ending this relationship as kindly as you can.

[pictish]

Honestly cannot believe the shit I'm reading on this thread because the OP is a man.
Absolutely dreadful.

[pictish]

Seriously I am agog at the well-you-obviously-drove-her-to-it replies.

It is quite plain to anyone that the OP is at the end of his tether, miserable and fearful of his rude, aggressive, verbally and emotionally abusive wife.
Yet he is being picked apart and blamed for her behaviour.

Shameful double standards. And utterly crap advice.

[FunnyHowThingsWorkOut]

My DH used to react in a 'wounded' way every time I 'criticised'. I used to think I was being unreasonable or mean and stopped saying anything remotely negative.

Then one day I thought, 'Would I feel hard done by if he said asked me politely (or even not that politely) not to put the recycling in the wrong bin cos it really wound him up? No, I would think, 'Oops, my bad, I'll try but no promises!'

Because friction is a fact of life. Living with people is hard regardless of whether you are married or in a relationship or whatever. If he was just my housemate I would feel like it was completely normal to say, 'Shall we not leave the tea towels on the floor, actually, that's a bit grim?'

You have to be able to say things honestly (and politely) and (conversely) take it on the chin when someone (politely) calls you on your ... way of leaving the newspaper lying around or whatever.

And silly games are silly GAMES. You have to be able to play them for FUN and laugh at yourself and each other when you get it wrong or can't guess. If that is gone then, my goodness, what a horrible situation.

She sounds like she has some serious issues that she can should take responsibility for and get some help.

[Lookatmyredtrousers]

This is not about OP being a man. I have read threads where females are clearly irritating their partners into a reaction and have called them on it.

Winding someone up and claiming to be the injured party is classic passive aggressive behaviour. We all know it happens. It may or may not be happening here but acting as though it's not possible is ridiculous. It's spoken about and recognised frequently on MN.

[Joysmum]

I asked upthread if she behaves like this with anyone else, or just you?

[MatildaTheCat]

Winding someone up??? It was a GAME. It's supposed to be a bit hard to guess. He gave her a clue...dear god. Look , let's just imagine for one second that the Op is a nice, normal, flawed human who finds his wife cannot have any conflict or criticism even within a game without resorting to swearing and shouting. Well, it doesn't sound remotely pleasant to me.

OP, I don't know how old you are or how long married. Let me just give you a bit of context. I've been married 26 years with some healthy debates along the way. However, not ONCE have I ever called my DH a wanker or a prick. I think she sounds utterly unreasonable.

When we were children a neighbouring family had a mother who regularly used to lose her temper so loudly that it was audible and scary for everyone within about 100meters. She was seriously frightening. We never liked playing at their house because we were frightened of her. Can you imagine your dw coping with small dc? Is she like this with anyone else? Fall out with friends easily. Or is it only you? All questions worth asking yourself. If she is unable to sustain relationships all round it looks bad. If she just shrieks at you, well, that looks bad, too but might be more fixable if you both want to improve your relationship.

Good luck. And please ignore those who have got you labelled as a passive aggressive, gas lighting, EA bastard. I'm not seeing that.

[HahaHarrie]

Has she always reacted like this from the start of your relationship?

[silveracorn]

Sorry, not RTFT so may be suggesting something someone else has suggested. But if this is happening consistently, I think you need to resolve it. You know that technique of discussing something sensitive without coming across as judgemental? You start by saying: I not You.

So you might say you are feeling really unhappy about how things are, you feel unable to speak your mind in case it turns into a row etc. And you'd like a proper, unheated discussion on how to improve things, because they can't continue like this. See what happens. if you couch it all in how you feel, not how she makes you feel, then it's harder for her to get defensive.

But she does sound very unhappy. Maybe with herself, or maybe in your relationship. Who knows? Often unhappy people take it out on their partner rather than admit to themselves that their dissatisfaction is with themselves. But people do fall out of love too.

Hope you can resolve things so you have happier times ahead, together or apart.

[silveracorn]

Ah, first sentence above should have read 'think you need to resolve it outside of a row. Not in the heat of the moment but at a time when you are both calm. And maybe in neutral territory like a café so she can't so easily fly off the handle at you.

[springydaffs]

It's impossible to know what's really going on here - tis why therapists train for years and years.

On the face of it, no, it's not on to go straight from green to red (with bells on) but hey relationships can go through some volatile patches. Its impossible to know if you are in fact patronising her, winding her up. Eg re Pavarotti its probably not necessary to say she needs to ask a key question - duh, that's the game; a key question will accelerate finding the answer/person.

But it looks like she gets to shriek pitch in a nanosecond and it's impossible to make any communication headway bcs of it. Your relationship can't develop, deepen, until you can learn some skills to get beyond this impossible plateau.

But that's going to take a lot of digging... with a professional. Pp in a similar situation (poor you pp ) gave up counselling after 2 sessions bcs his DW wouldn't admit she does anything wrong - but it takes a LOT longer than 2 sessions to begin to begin opening up some difficult areas. A good counsellor will work to find an opening, however small, and build on it over time.

It's a big investment, all round but imo this problem is indicative of a serious deeper problem that warrants some focused archeology. It's not going to go away is the key point here.

[springydaffs]

Though its important to point out it is NEVER advisable to go into therapy with an abuser.
Start on your own and see how it goes.

[Awadebumbo]

I'm shocked at some if the victim blaming going on here.
If your partner is volatile and prone to agressive verbally abusive outbursts, that is not something you have to manage it is something for them to sort out.
OP I think that you should sit down and really talk to you partner, tell her exactly how her behaviour makes you feel and what this is doing to your relationship.