My wife - she just cannot handle any 'criticism'- big nor small- HELP

[Husband99]

Things are pretty rough. I just cannot raise anything with my wife without her just getting angry and now I'm stuck to know what to do. It seems I either just shut up- no matter it is- or it will kick off. The former just doesn't seem like a sustainable way to live.

Mostly things that come up are just petty. For example, I hate being late. She is always late when we have to leave for things. That puts me in a grump; I know it does- and need to get perspective- but I also do not think these things are the end of the world. What makes these situations far worse is how she reacts. Then it becomes her angry reaction (that always happens) that we argue about the reaction, and not the tiny thing that initially caused it that becomes long forgotten.

Basically she flips and loses her temper every time I raise even the tiniest issue and things immediately switch and she says that she is the one hard fine by having to deal with this. It just puts me in a position where I cannot raise any issue with her or else she will just flip. She never quietly considers a point, reflects, try's to appreciate where someone else (i.e. me) is coming from. Her instinct is always to just get angry and go on the 'attack'- every time.

I do my best to remain calm in these instances, but she quickly raises her voice and slips into personal insults like calling me a 'prick ' - I'll admit, I resort to saying things back at times. I am not perfect- my patience is not infinite and I know this is damaging to our relationship. To be honest, I do this as I feel bullied. I am forever in these instances saying 'but I am the one whose is upset with something you have done- why are you shouting at me?'. I just don't understand. We do discuss this, but nothing changes.

She doesn't seem to see that she makes things more significant than really need to be by her angry reactions. Because I don't react this way in reverse, she also feels that I raise a lot if things with her and just fails to see that I am not more pedantic, I just am able to listen when things that she raises are said to me. They get quickly forgotten and aren't even remembered because I don't get angry- I take heed and listen. It's just when I am upset or frustrated with something, her reaction is so predictably extreme and aggressive that I think it becomes memorable. There is always an excuse. How I raise things; the things I raise etc - what is consistent is the angry reaction not seeing that I have tried everything. My one option that I feel I have is to just not say anything.

Let me explain how crazy this can be. On occasion, just recently, we were travelling in the car and playing a game to pass the time- 20 questions. My wife got frustrated, thought I was being patronising as she was having difficulty guessing who it was (I know- I cannot believe I am writing this!) and she said 'God you are a wanker'. I was a little stunned and calmly said, 'ok- I don't want to play anymore'. Because we were on a car journey, I couldn’t take time out to get away and collect my thoughts, so I just plugged in my ipod- all calmly. She did say why did I want to listen to my ipod, and I said I didn't want to just sit here in a her moody silence (yes- she got moody with me despite it being her calling me a personal comment) and I just wanted to zone out and relax. No shouting - all very calm. I was upset.

This ended up being a blazing argument - I just don't understand why a moment of reflection doesn't arrive where she calmly, genuinely says sorry and feels sorry for what she did. Instead she gets angry about the fact that I am upset/ annoyed with what she did.

Ultimately I keep saying to her that I am allowed to feel a certain way if things (big or small) happen and I want to be able to share that. I am want to feel like I am allowed to raise things if I feel a certain way, but these see not an attack. There's no need to react like this. I am on her team. But her constant anger is so tiring. I don't respect it. I feel like I have to walk constantly on egg shells and that I am unable to share anything without it being a blazing argument- big or small.

Its horrible.

[DishingOutDone]

4 year old Zombie thread.

[Worrynot1]

Lifes too short for miserable wives, whittle finances away for yourself and plan a dramatic leaving see if you can't sneak a bit of unfaithful behaviour if you really want to stick the boot in.

[Katiewinselt]

Which will give her another reason to rip him to sheds. If he could say anything about how he feels or talk he wouldn't have needed to start this thread.

[user1497357411]

LTB. She is being abusive.

[SuumCuique]

Read the whole thread before realised it is a zombie thread!

So hope thinks worked for the OP......

[maras2]

2 year old ZOMBIE thread.

[raspberrysuicide]

sorry to say but this is how I felt and probably reacted when I was deeply unhappy in my marriage. Everything my ex said to me I would take as a personal attack, in truth most of it probably was but I reacted in the same way as your wife is doing.
We are separated now and going through a divorce which is definitely the best thing for both of us. We are really good friends now and get on better than we have done for years.

[adifferentnameforthis]

Zombie thread

[Kittyvonbitty]

I can't handle criticism from my other half but I don't get angry I get upset( hurt and maybe a bit sulky) I think it's because I care about what he thinks about me I'm mortified if I think he sees a flaw in me. I also plugged in my iPod once in the car when he lost his temper as I just didn't want to be in that car but had no choice. Your wife has anger issues and needs help for that

[rusty75]

Hi Husband99!

So it has been over a year now, sind the last post... where do the two of you stand now?

I landed at this thread searching for exactly this: my girlfriend cannot accept any criticism.

It was a very recognisable story, and I have read the whole thread.

So let me first disclose that I am a man, as well - but I just really wanted to post my view here, as I believe that it might add to the conversation merely from the fact that I recognise things from what you tell in what I have experienced.

I was impressed by the many really senseful replies, and then just as much by the ones that were fierce and sometimes really offensive (to the point that I just wanted to get up and tell that person strongly about how I felt - I'll get back to that later).

However I am not here to "team up" or anything like that, rather I would like to ask what is behind these heavy replies - since a mature person has collected their thoughts and decided to write them down for you to learn from, I will just assume.

In those words I sense anger, frustration.
Behind this might be the recognition of a situation, of a story.

And this might very WELL be the same as yours, however from the standpoint of a woman who may have endured different things, heavier things maybe but nonetheless - partly things that are at least from her perspective, recognisable things.

So for the lack of your wife being there to explain herself, there is at least this woman, choosing her side, with at least a strong reason for being so fierce.

Now we (you, and me, as I am also in this situation), may need to ask ourselves honestly, to what extent have we

• contributed to this situation
  
• found a match that mirrors our own needs (i'll come back to that later).
  

Contributing to the situation
I have a problem with my sister. A huge power struggle. We always fight (I am 42 years old now). In my youth, I was terribly mentally abused by the children around me (between 6 and 17, I would say). My sister got to endure my lack of self esteem, my need to ventilate my frustrations, search for control, my desolation.

Search for control.
There was always something evilly fulfilling in seeing her racing up the stairs, in tears.
For her, I have been an utter arsehole. I feel terrible about this. Not that she was an easy girl but come on. I have seen a video in which we sit around the table, my brother and me playing. She is laughing about a joke that my brother makes. My brother goes: Hey! Stop annoying us!
He was my little brother... copying me. The mellow one, of the two.
How hard it must have been for her, to grow up with those two judging kids.

Now flash back to the present. I am deeply in love (and back together with) a girl who is younger than me, and shows many treats of what you have described. I will admit, less heavy so, and fortunately now that we are back together (it was too hard for her so she broke up with me, even though she loved me very dearly, she just couldnt bear it anymore), she has been fighting, preparing to face her fears, to talk with somebody, and open up.


Here are some things I noticed in your story, and I will match them to personal experiences and try to extrapolate from there:

• her washing her hair
  

Every time my girl and me go running, I notice how she moves. It is more like a rocking motion, with her feet formed in a V-shape. It makes me think that this causes her issues with her ability to not run longer distances.
And I have a strong urge to 'help' her with this.
But should the real question not be one to myself instead, namely: why on earth am I wanting to help her with this?
I will make a big jump here now.
I am afraid that other people will notice it and think something weird of it. That is why I want her to 'behave' and yes, it will of course also help her with her back problems. But look at how silly she moves... like a farmer girl!
(pls understand, I am NOT agreeing with my own thoughts here, just being honest about how 'terrible' I am).

My point is, I think your example was very striking. And you may want to ask yourself, if washing her hair is something that you notice and may or may not want to bring up with her, how many other examples are there, on a day to day basis, that she has to endure, not from your need for wanting to support her, but from your wanting to make her a 'better person'?

I from only this example and my own self reflection, perceived that you may have been putting enormous pressures on her.

• not coming up with other examples
  

I just recently had a huge riot with my girl, because she started eating from my plate as soon as it landed on the table, and I hadn't been even able to take a bit first.
She reacted heavily: come on!!! What is the problem! Why do you always have to...
etc etc
making me feel very disrespected, intimidated even and I tumbled into a painful state of feeling completely shattered.
And I honestly believe that this is not what I was looking for (its an actual topic between us, her not being able to take criticism, but I am convinced I play my part).

However. I must be honest to myself. A microsecond after she had done this, I had felt a small surge, 'victory is looming!' because I remember how an ex had made a point of me just starting eating from her plate without letting her take the first bite. And I thought that it was perfectly agreeable. Now I could project this on her behaviour and exert control!

(I am really being honest here, and feeling quite ugly about it).

Now the events that led up to the situation may have been a clue. She was sitting at the table opposite me, not saying a word.
And I was minimally 'irritated' by it (not so heavy, but I noticed). There were reasons, she was extremely hungry, and sad - from earlier heavy conversations (yes we are in a turbulent phase... but we, we are together... hanging on, getting through this). However I was having these half-thoughts, observing others, and possibly also feeling observed by others ("look at those two, not talking at all.... some boring people!").

I may have felt judged.


Sorry for this long story. My point here is that, through the fog of our fights.... through the fog of my 'noble intentions', a rather ugly truth may be showing, namely that I am hugely sensitive to being judged by others.
And I am sure that she is enduring this each and every day.

Sure, she is insecure and venting her frustrations on me.
But may it be also that I am the one who is venting my own insecurities on her, NON-STOP?

From that perspective, how strange is it, that she emerges from time to time as this unreasonable, venomous being that shows no introspection?

I think her insecurity allows me to exert control and shape her.
I feel terrible, writing this sentence.

It's like she is my hobby project, called 'love'.

Now just to my defence... I have left out all the beautiful and respectful stuff, otherwise she and I would not have come back together. We resonate on so many beautiful levels, and for me, she is magic. Exactly how she is... I am just utterly afraid, to accept it myself... but I think it is getting better..
And she loves me for what I am... it is beautiful. She is the most beautiful person that I have ever met in my life. She is the other side of me...

doesnt make it easy, and the truth lies in the middle... between us.

"I understand"
When I read that line, her reaction to your Text, I did not think 'power struggle'. Maybe you thought so, and maybe this was even your wish, heavily put (yes, comparing here... I know, what sometimes rushes inside me...it may not be you, but it is definitely me). However, I thought something else, namely: comepletely robbed from the ability to breathe, choked, panicking, afraid to show weaknes, emotion. Hyperventilating. Showing calmness, outside. Because ANYTHING ELSE, you would dive on it as a hawk. Subtly, but indirectly. Exerting power. Control.

Cheating
personally, I think she loves you more than herself and would never cheat on you unless it is because she needs to get out of here. Needs to loose the man that she loves above the air that she breathes, just because he is destroying her.
I am NOT saying you are, as I said I am just comparing, and I was not destroying her - I tend to think that I am a good man. But I did definitely not realise how my insecurities were in fact terrible to her health.

One final thought
Can it be that she had been choked and pushed so much, (competely against your long term intentions because you really do love her I guess), that she has been driven into a depression?
If you suspect, or if she has mentioned depression, please look it up. And pls don't take it lightly. People who get in a depression, may react completely and utterly like 'arseholes'. But your love and support is what they need. And anti-depression pills, to relieve the deep panic attacks..

So, to conclude, Husband99, and sorry for being so longwinded... I hope that if you went into this meeting , you did not go into it the expectation that the councellor will help you both how to deal with her situation. Sure, this is unacceptable, especially in the long run.. but I would dare to aks you to consider that the unacceptable behaviour originated in yourself, and she loved you so much that she was there to accept it.

I am not blaming here - for this there is no one to blame.... it is a synergy between people and needs, one that can become unhealthy but still really loving...

in our situation, I am positive that we will survive... we have been apart for 5 years, back together now, finally I can enjoy the sunshine again... with her, sitting next to me. She is the one woman that I want to see shine, and I just hope that I will be brave enough to enjoy it, instead of trying to be the cause of it. If I am, good... as long as she is truly happy.

Disclaimer.... I have been heavily comparing and pulling all of this to my view on things... so if I am completely wrong in your eyes, I totally accept that...

[fairyfi]

oops! sorry for double-post

[fairyfi]

one of the best things you said was 'we' ... have some bad habits...

She is seeking counselling and taking responsibility for doing something about hers and trying to find out why she does do this. She needs time alone to do this.

You also need time alone and not just cling to the marriage for fear of giving her what she wants? You have blanked her when she is clearly defensive but still wanting to engage.... she does need to hear your view, shutting her out is not an option really, so hopefully you will also take responsibility for your part in the relationship and seek out support to look into your own admitted 'grumps' over time-keeping and respect issues.

You will both come out the better for the reality checks and hopefully might still be compatible, but you might find you are both different people afterwards which will also be fine as you could still be friends that way, which is better than what you have been.

Good luck with difficult personal journeys

[fairyfi]

one of the best things you said was 'we' ... have some bad habits...

She is seeking counselling and taking responsibility for doing something about hers and trying to find out why she does do this. She needs time alone to do this.

You also need time alone and not just cling to the marriage for fear of giving her what she wants? You have blanked her when she is clearly defensive but still wanting to engage.... she does need to hear your view, shutting her out is not an option really, so hopefully you will also take responsibility for your part in the relationship and seek out support to look into your own admitted 'grumps' over time-keeping and respect issues.

You will both come out the better for the reality checks and hopefully might still be compatible, but you might find you are both different people afterwards which will also be fine as you could still be friends that way, which is better than what you have been.

Good luck with difficult personal journeys

[printmeanicephoto]

ENTJ types can come across as very judgemental/critical/overly logical/anal/lacking in empathy to some other personality types - I should know - I'm married to one!! Sorry to be harsh but there's a reason why ENTJs are dubbed "The Commander". But they also have lots of strengths too - we need you/them to run the country's businesses!!

[Husband99]

I love this stuff- I am ENTJ- she is ESTP.

Thanks for your supportive comments; now and throughout this. I say throughout this- we are not there yet and know we have a lot to do and re-build. It does seem that we are both willing to play our part, or at least try.

[printmeanicephoto]

Hi I haven't read through whole thread so please ignore if I am covering any posters' previous threads. This is in NO way excusing her behaviour but have you considered Myers Briggs personality testing? There are according to Myers Briggs 16 personality types - ENFP personality types are v sensitive to critisism - although have lots of strengths too. This personality testing helped me and hubbie enormously to understand each other better.

[Jux]

I hope it goes well for you, H99. Putting a timescale on it is a good idea as otherwise you could spend the rest of your lives in Limbo. If you're both serious about it and do genuinely try, 6m should be long enough to see significant change.

[JustHavinABreak]

Definitely no negative comments from me. In fact, I am hugely relieved you're going to give it another go. Wishing you both all the luck in the world.

[Offred]

Yes, good luck from me too though I would keep the boundaries and time for improvements to yourself. She needs to want to fix things not be focussed on getting through a time limit.

[hellsbellsmelons]

This is your life so you decide and if it's to work it then you put 100% into doing just that.
I hope you get the outcome you want from all of this.

[Gilrack]

Shove has pretty much said what I would. Just sending a friendly shoulder-squeeze, H99.

[CaramellaDeVille]

No bad move comments from me, just want to wish you all the best :)

[shovetheholly]

OP, I feel for you, I really do.

If you do make the decision to try again, may I suggest that you agree between you a timescale for it? For example, that you will give it six months and if things are not substantially better between you, you will call it a day? (They don't have to be perfect, just moving in the right direction with some commitment). It may also help to outline what 'substantially better' would look like to you both, so that you are clear what the ambitions are from the start. I would suggest that this is something you both need to do with a counsellor present. I think it will be a HUGE reality check for her to go to therapy with you and hear your side of things.

I do believe that people can change, but I think that it takes a huge amount of commitment and patience. I have heard a lot of people say that they want to change, without really wanting to. Which can just lead the other person to a horrible pattern of hope, then a crash, and a gradual spiral into despair and hopelessness. This could be a way of ensuring that either way you win - either the relationship improves, or you walk secure in the knowledge that you tried everything.