My wife - she just cannot handle any 'criticism'- big nor small- HELP

[Husband99]

Things are pretty rough. I just cannot raise anything with my wife without her just getting angry and now I'm stuck to know what to do. It seems I either just shut up- no matter it is- or it will kick off. The former just doesn't seem like a sustainable way to live.

Mostly things that come up are just petty. For example, I hate being late. She is always late when we have to leave for things. That puts me in a grump; I know it does- and need to get perspective- but I also do not think these things are the end of the world. What makes these situations far worse is how she reacts. Then it becomes her angry reaction (that always happens) that we argue about the reaction, and not the tiny thing that initially caused it that becomes long forgotten.

Basically she flips and loses her temper every time I raise even the tiniest issue and things immediately switch and she says that she is the one hard fine by having to deal with this. It just puts me in a position where I cannot raise any issue with her or else she will just flip. She never quietly considers a point, reflects, try's to appreciate where someone else (i.e. me) is coming from. Her instinct is always to just get angry and go on the 'attack'- every time.

I do my best to remain calm in these instances, but she quickly raises her voice and slips into personal insults like calling me a 'prick ' - I'll admit, I resort to saying things back at times. I am not perfect- my patience is not infinite and I know this is damaging to our relationship. To be honest, I do this as I feel bullied. I am forever in these instances saying 'but I am the one whose is upset with something you have done- why are you shouting at me?'. I just don't understand. We do discuss this, but nothing changes.

She doesn't seem to see that she makes things more significant than really need to be by her angry reactions. Because I don't react this way in reverse, she also feels that I raise a lot if things with her and just fails to see that I am not more pedantic, I just am able to listen when things that she raises are said to me. They get quickly forgotten and aren't even remembered because I don't get angry- I take heed and listen. It's just when I am upset or frustrated with something, her reaction is so predictably extreme and aggressive that I think it becomes memorable. There is always an excuse. How I raise things; the things I raise etc - what is consistent is the angry reaction not seeing that I have tried everything. My one option that I feel I have is to just not say anything.

Let me explain how crazy this can be. On occasion, just recently, we were travelling in the car and playing a game to pass the time- 20 questions. My wife got frustrated, thought I was being patronising as she was having difficulty guessing who it was (I know- I cannot believe I am writing this!) and she said 'God you are a wanker'. I was a little stunned and calmly said, 'ok- I don't want to play anymore'. Because we were on a car journey, I couldn’t take time out to get away and collect my thoughts, so I just plugged in my ipod- all calmly. She did say why did I want to listen to my ipod, and I said I didn't want to just sit here in a her moody silence (yes- she got moody with me despite it being her calling me a personal comment) and I just wanted to zone out and relax. No shouting - all very calm. I was upset.

This ended up being a blazing argument - I just don't understand why a moment of reflection doesn't arrive where she calmly, genuinely says sorry and feels sorry for what she did. Instead she gets angry about the fact that I am upset/ annoyed with what she did.

Ultimately I keep saying to her that I am allowed to feel a certain way if things (big or small) happen and I want to be able to share that. I am want to feel like I am allowed to raise things if I feel a certain way, but these see not an attack. There's no need to react like this. I am on her team. But her constant anger is so tiring. I don't respect it. I feel like I have to walk constantly on egg shells and that I am unable to share anything without it being a blazing argument- big or small.

Its horrible.

[Husband99]

Question: If we were playing 20 questions, I got frustrated (possibly feeling patronized) and I called my wife a bitch- how would people feel about that?

Madwoman? What do you think?

[madwomanbackintheattic]

Op - you knew she felt patronized.

Whether you were deliberately patronising her or not is neither here nor there. You knew she felt patronized (perhaps because of deeper issues to do with her self esteem as someone else suggested earlier) and you didn't reassure her on that score. Or at least not believably.

Ergo, you escalated the situation, and she reacted.

You didn't fix it. In her mind, you were the one causing the issue. And instead of apologizing, you put your ear plus in like a little kid to block her out.

Terrible.

And you are still doing it.

What do you criticise her about, op?

Never mind this really quite ordinary spat in the car - which in the grand scheme of things is not all that.

What do you criticise her about that she takes so badly?

[catswag]

what do you both even like about each other?

[ImperialBlether]

But he didn't think he did patronise her - how could he fix it?

"Presumably he was also rubbing his hands in glee that she couldn't guess the answer." - Umm are you projecting a little, here?

Actually, madwoman, your entire post is victim blaming. Try switching the genders and see whether you would have the same response.

[shitmother]

Jeez, she sounds like my ex-husband. I was afraid to raise any issue with him and, yes, walking in egg shells is exactly right.

You deserve much more than this from a relationship.

(Note he is now my exH, nuff said).

[Lookatmyredtrousers]

Honestly, there is a lot about your OP which is intensely irritating. I think it's likely you are patronising (a few of the things you've said about her certainly are) and you seem very much the smug calm earth father waiting for her to blow.

I think either the communication is very poor and you could try and middle through and fix this (both of
You changing behaviour), but ultimately accept that the dynamic of your relationship will always include some fire, or accept that she doesn't like you much and seperate.

[pictish]

OP I understand you. I've experienced being spoken to in a horrible manner out of the blue like that. I was usually a "fucking cow".
You feel shocked and hurt by the level of vitriol you're being treated with in that split second. Where you plugged in your ipod, I would have turned my face to stare out of the window unable to stop humiliated tears from welling.

If I showed any sign that the outburst had upset me, he'd be furious. He actually viewed my offence as an attack on him.
I was supposed to just suck up his fury, shit it out in rainbows and say thank you.

I know what being with an angry person is like.
It's no life...no life at all.

[Husband99]

Madwoman- I wasn't being an areshole- that's a bit harsh. Of course you just hear from me here, so you just have to take my word- right? Why the hell would I lie? I want advice regarding this real life circumstance.

If you really need to know, I was thinking of Pavaroti and she hadn't asked about what country I was born in (I'll add that I feel utterly ridiculous sharing this!!!) - I said that there was some important information that will help her that she hasn't asked yet. That's it.

[madwomanbackintheattic]

Well, I can be a bitch (because I am always right, as stated above, and because this thread always had the potential to be yawnsome reverse) - however, if my husband felt patronized, I would have apologised and changed the fucking game before my husband snapped. Because I am a human being in a relationship, and even if I am not being deliberately patronising, I do understand that my irritating need to be always right might come over like that.

So, I would have changed the game pretty sharpish if I thought that my obvious glee at winning (or his inability to get the right answer) was going to cause a row.

Sometimes we can play a game where one of us is wrong, the other is crowing gleefully, and we are both laughing at the utter stupidity of it. But if someone is feeling fragile for whatever reason and is feeling patronized by the game, then you change the fucking game.

You don't continue to patronize/ gleefully crow/ or do whatever it is that is causing an adverse reaction in your partner.

And if they flip and call you a wanker, you don't put your earplugs in - you apologise for driving them to that response. Or you apologise that they felt patronized, even though that wasn't your intention.

But yeah. I can be an inconsiderate arse, too. It's just that if I get called on it, my response is to apologise, and not to sulk like you did.

[Nolim]

Just wrote a long post and my phone delete it. Anyway: insulting is unacceptable but it seems that the two of you react diferently to conflict: you retreat, she keeps going. And both of you enter a vicious cycle. Would that be a fair assestment of how you interact with other ppl? Ie she fights you fly?

If you are discussing a normal topic ("you are a wanker" doesnt count) can you stand your ground without retrieving? Can she keep the conversation on topic without disrespect?

[Husband99]

Lookatmyredtrousers I gotta be honest, I'm not feeling particularly smug right now. I feel pretty shit.

[madwomanbackintheattic]

Not victim blaming - I'm still waiting for the op to share what the other criticisms he raises with his wife are - so that I can make some sort of meaningful response (as this isolated car incident is a red herring - there is the possibility that the wife reacted in this way because she spends her whole life being criticized about petty nonsense - but the op is being very quiet about that and just concentrating on being called a wanker.)

In the meantime, before it's possible to guess whether the wife was reacting to a lifetime of petty minor criticisms, I'm just explaining how my own relationship - where indeed we are both always right and neither of take criticism well- works.

That's not projecting.

That's explaining how it works here.

And asking the op if there are any parallels.

Not victim blaming.

Either the wife (or the husband in a predictably reverse scenario) could well be an unmitigated tosser and the correct answer would be LTB.

But the op is refusing to engage on what criticsl behaviour he is engaging in. And solely concentrating on 'my crabby wife called me a wanker'.

What are these criticisms op?

What do you criticise her for?

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

No DC (yet)

How much serious thought have you given to splitting up OP?

If things are this bad pre DC they won't get better afterwards - when stresses increase exponentially

You can be happier than this. Hopefully so can she

[MrNoseybonk]

"And if they flip and call you a wanker, you don't put your earplugs in - you apologise for driving them to that response."

I see.
Try posting that advice in almost any other thread on Relationships and see what happens.

[madwomanbackintheattic]

Of course I apologise to my husband if my behaviour (whether intentional or not) is causing him angst.

And he apologises to me if he is being an arse.

That is how relationships work.

If the op is a shiny shiny genuine paragon of virtue, and his wife is an abuser, of course the situation is entirely different.

But we don't know that - and the op is still refusing to spill.

But Anyhoo - as I am unable to make any suggestions about living with a bitch who can't take criticism (being one and all) I'll leave you to your soothing and patting, even though the op could be a critical arsehole whose wife could well be 'my dh criticisms me from dawn to dusk and I am so worn down by it, I snapped in the car'.

Sure op. You are as pure as the driven snow, I am a victim blamer, and you should separate now before your wife's behaviour gets worse. Seriously. She is a terrible person, and you are a fine upstanding individual. Who for some reason is being quiet about the main focus of your post, which is her inability to take (unspecified) criticism.

[Nolim]

Chill out madwoman, dont be so mad. And no i am not patronizing, please dont be a bitch.

[Zzzsnatcher]

I'm stuck in this rut with my DP atm, and I am the one who is angry and sweary and fed up! Because he is patronising, he is constantly telling me how to do things, I.e cook pasta, bid on eBay. Etc. he says it's because he doesn't want me to do things wrong! We are having massive problems due to this. I erupt and say stop telling me how to do this. And he will never accept responsibility for how he's made me feel and he will say I can't believe you feel like that over this. So I once again feel like I'm wrong. Then I lash out with words like prick and wanker, then he deflects it all and it is then all about the fact that I swore and got angry. "Look at you you are so angry, look at you, grow up"

Hope it makes sense, I also have low self esteem and lack of decent sleep due to little ones.

[Offred]

Op- my BF is like this. The last time I mentioned something it got completely flipped onto me. He brought up my history of abuse, said I was crazy and that's why he had an EA (never mind that what I was 'crazy' over was having a problem with how he was behaving with his OW and I was 'crazy' because I didn't believe his lies), he got out his phone and went through months of our text history identifying one argument where he had decided I was being unreasonable and he was perfectly reasonable (to stonewall and patronise me) and tore my whole personality to shreds...

It is very hard to live with a person like this. My BF is like this because he is insecure and immature and this makes him selfish. I don't live with him and never plan to so these things only happen infrequently, normally when we have spent a few days together.

I don't see how you can actually survive a marriage like this tbh.

[King1982]

OP, I'd ignore the victim blaming. I'm surprised that some posters are expressing that abuse is acceptable in some scenarios. They are saying that you the victim of abuse are 'asking for it' and a worthy victim. Outstandingly weird!
I also only ever see the phrase '2 sides to every story' on threads started by men', just ignore it, female victims of abuse, on here, are not scrutinised and not believed. Just focus on the help offered

[Offred]

I don't think you putting your headphones in is rude in these circs btw. People who say so clearly do not understand how much being subjected to this kind of excessive rage can destroy you. I have done the same at times.

[IrianofWay]

If someone swears at me and insults me I wouldn't feel inclined to apologise

If the OP's wife felt patronised a suitable response would be 'Please stop patronising me!'

Of course there is more to this than meets the eye - no relationship is ever that simple - but that doesn't mean that the OP is the main or only problem.

[Twooter]

I have a nit-picking husband and recognised some of the feelings mad woman is talking about. Things are better now, but he still has the knack of talking to me as though I was a naughty child or a bad employee rather than a wife. And in those situations I do sometimes calmly call him names so he knows he's gone to far. Don't underestimate how easy it is to dislike someone who patronises you.

[TheoreticalOrder]

You have different ways of dealing with stress. She reacts - albeit too aggressively - and you withdraw. You need some appreciation of each other's different ways of handling things.