HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 10

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been ousted by a pineapple in this 1st post, but sure she will feature if the lazy caaah gets off her...
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married almost 23 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted April 2014 on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 6 months which didn’t work, as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He was then given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court. Still waiting…

Link to last thread here

Link to 1st thread - if you have a spare week or so and want to read the lot here

"Anyway, they haven't caught up with me yet" haha *Izzie's on the run

Must have been fun enlightening the neighbours!!!

Haha bobs and now they see his brand new car in the drive, and I bet they think what a fucking cliche he is. What a twat!

Or even "on" the drive. Although "in" the drive would be amusing if a sink hole opened up

That really would be money down the drain haha. Oh I'm feeling good!

Izzie . Good to hear you feeling positive.

DDs away with school until Friday so it's just me and ddog, we've been for a big walk and now I'm settling down for a night in front of the telly. I'm really going to miss her.

Finally got around to ordering a new tag for ddog with my mobile number on it, so many little things.

Braving the dog tag thing reminds me of an incident many years ago. At the time we had a lab and a KC Cav. The lab had a really good sense of direction, the Cav had none. So I took them both to the park one day, and as usual the lab shot off through the trees, followed by the Cav, and reappeared behind me a few minutes later, without the Cav. Absolutely no sign of the Cav. So in a blind panic I put the lab on a lead, phoned a friend and asked her to help me find the dog in the park. She asked what entrance, as its a huge park. All this time I'm running back to the car with the lab, thinking that I would put her in the car then go back to search for the Cav. I was in an absolute state, the Cav was a bit funny with strangers, so I thought nobody would be able to get her for me, I was wondering how I would break it to the kids, I was practically crying. I was running all the time, shouting her name. I got to the car park, bent down to open the gate....and there was the Cav behind me. She had obviously heard me calling and had been running along trying to catch us up!

Bless her, my boy's a spaniel, he's snuggled up at the side of me :)

Cats rule! I had a bloody good giggle at Boy Cat today, who decided he wanted to go through the fence. Yes, through it (it's a typical farm wire fence). He got his head through just fine, not a problem. Then he got his first two legs through. Early celebrations, he's thinking.

Then his belly didn't fit.

Bless.

Eventually through complete perseverance only a cat can manage, he got through up-side down.

Reverse never entered his simple head.

I remember his old vet (he was a very, very, very poorly kitten so had a lot of treatment for the first year of his life) saying to me when we moved - you know if you want to leave him behind, I'd love to have him. He's the only cat I know that loves vets. T'other one, he said, you can keep.

Perseverance. My last lab, when we got her as a puppy we also had an old golden retriever, who didn't look too happy to meet her new companion. Well, the lab desperately wanted to snuggle up to her to sleep, but the retriever was having none of it, and just growled at her. So the lab kept a distance, and each night got closer and closer to her, till, after two weeks, she finally got her way and put her head on the retrievers back to go to sleep. We got a photo. The retriever's face is priceless, like wtf!! But after that they snuggled up together.

I'm going to bed now. I'm exhausted so am going to listen to my body for a change. A special for iwas. 6 months today. Thinking of you xx

Checking in and checking out at the same time. Exam melt down here - maths tomorrow. An evening spent tackling equations and no sign of father of the year or even a phone call of encouragement. If he says to me again - at least any time soon - that he earnt all the money, then I'm going to poke his bloody eyes out. It feels like he 'left' to have a party and I stuck around to raise three kids. It makes my blood boil. I don't resent it for a minute but I do resent the insinuation that my life's been a breeze compared to poor old hardworking, money earning super man. Grrr.

The latest pronouncement has been that I wanted the children and chose for my career to take a back seat and he had to work harder to compensate for my life choices. He wished he could have been here more apparently. The rewriting of history knows no bounds. My memory is that he wasn't screaming stop 16, 19 and 21 years ago. I also clearly remember the discussion when DD1 was a year old and we were both struggling to hold down full time jobs in central London and juggle childcare. At that time he wanted his children to have their mother bring them up....if only I knew then what I know now. Listening to him you'd literally think I'd spent the last 20 years lounging in a health club. I can honestly say that there's probably only been a maximum of 12 months in total since the day our daughter was born that I haven't earnt money in one way or another and contributed financially.

It truly is all about them isn't it. Rant over. Will try to be more constructive tomorrow. Koko LGO xx

1no good God what an utter wanker. I have heard very similar, no financial contribution to the marriage being one that really really wound me up. What are they thinking?! Rewriting of history...absolutely classic cheating twunt behaviour that they ALL do. I am beginning to think there is a cheaters handbook somewhere that we know nothing about and that they all refer to...just to make sure they're all doing the same thing! It's so weird!

Rant away...hope you feel better for that :-)

So have sat down for a bit having spent the evening organising emails and everything else from day 1 in anticipation of "what comes next"....and I came across this corker, it's funny how you forget things, even the most bizarre behaviour ever and I am still shocked when I read it now. So ex tried to blindside me with divorce papers on the grounds of my unreasonable behaviour within a very short time of leaving. Unfortunately for OW, her silly friend looked me up on LinkedIn leaving a trace. Took a very short time to make the connections and force ex to admit that I had identified OW and that they were indeed "seeing" eachother. OW told me her friend looked me up as she was worried she was "vulnerable". Unfortunately my ex had been living with the OW for some considerable time by then..vulnerable indeed snort. Anyway, I then took myself off and filed for divorce on the grounds of their adultery. They went mad. Threatened all sorts and then ex informs me that he hasn't committed adultery as, I quote "all my affairs were with men and I have somebody willing to sign the divorce papers to say so"...

I wish I was joking. Why did I marry this utter twat?

Green, I hope you're OK my love after today's shocks. Have you reported to your solicitor?

omg Iget the more you say the more alike our lives appear to be.
My last c seaction went wrong - but baby ok. I just wanted an apology but the weasel wanted compensation and here we are 5 years later. He now wants half.
I hope karma knocks all the bastards senseless.

green so sorry you're feeling so down. You are doing so well.

Sometimes it's like I'm one of those childrens blow up toys with sand in the bottom. I keep getting hit but some how I just get up again. God knows how.

This shit is so f ing hard. I fell like I carry the stress in my chest ever day. I even seem to hold my face and body different - I can feel the tension in my jaw and even my teeth ache! And when you ill on top of all this it's horrendous.

Is this really the same man who has treated us with such callous contempt?
MrsC I'll never understand either. How they can switch their affections so quickly. I feel like I've been ejected out of my marriage with no warning or explanation. And the OW has been slotted in. I will never accept her. She has already threatened me so how will I ever believe she has the best interests of my children at heart.

By the way...I got a light weight kettle - good make, clean, simple and boils water. No gadgets in sight.

I even bought a new duvet cover....and I only went in for bread! Go me.

Night night xx

1 My love, you are seeing the 'wood from the trees' in that post. Here's my reaction to your fella's point of view:

You don't need to explain on this forum, let alone this thread, the difficult decisions that have to be faced. The dichotomy of choosing to have children v. the ability to self-determine your individual life.

As women, that's the primary decision.

Let's say, you opt for both (as I gather you did)

Then, by the very nature of genitals, you've got to postpone your career because, you know, them babies don't just get delivered by a stalk.

Oh, and then, hell above, them babies have needs.

Well, isn't that just outrageous!

So decisions get made again. Because, really, them babies are a teeny, tiny bit 'entitled'. They communicate their 'entitlement' by crying. In some cases, very fucking often.

Tough choices have to be made.

Now, you're trying to justify why we should not point the finger at you for making choices.

YOU MADE CHOICES. With another adult. HE WAS THERE! He was an adult. In fact, I bet he had an orgasm at the time. I can't testify for you...

That adult did not get his body split in half after nine months.

But that same adult, is now claiming, apparently you forced him into having children.

I mean really?

Beautifully put as ever my lovely friend WWK....

Yes, this having children malarky, how you cheat them into it and then tell them that they have responsibilities! What's one of those then?

why, I think you have to accept that OW's will NEVER have your children's best interests at heart. If they did, they wouldn't put themselves in a situation that destroys somebody else's family. What possible justification is there? Oh I forgot, they "deserve" happiness...yes that's right. Furthermore, how DARE you "go on" about it so many months on, just "move on"...we're "bored" of it all. Vile.

So glad you got the new kettle and the new duvet. I did the same new everything bed related, wanted to burn the old stuff. Felt much better. I only spent about £75 in all though (including bed frame), unlike husband, who spent nearly £2K on a new bed for him and OW. I don't think he wanted to sleep in the same bed as her late husband and he could afford it after all, he didn't have a family to support any more did he? Equally vile.

People who do things like that don't give a shit about the children involved...

1 it's amazing what a selective memory they have. I think you've done brilliantly with your job and the DC. Hope DC*s maths goes well tomorrow. DD2's maths is next Tuesday.

MrsC isn't his having affairs with other men also adultery?

whyme have you tried jaw exercises? Mine's in my stomach. I find deep breathing helps on a temporary basis

WWK stalk -(though I shouldn't criticise)

Responsibility is a word that doesn't exist in SF' dictionary - to his kids from either of his marriages, or to his grandkids. Out of sight, out of mind. His loss really

1nogoing - oh yes I have had that "nobody asked you to give up your career" - can you believe the nerve of it? ( well yes you can!) - actually how was I supposed to carry on with MY career when we were traipsing around the world with yours? Oh and yes - he's just angry because he has had to work all his life to support a family....they don't need to be cheating to do this i.e. rewrite history...this actually leads me to think that although for some there may be an OW in the picture that the OW is actually just a small part of the story which is all about them ....

Actually I think that is a bit of a revelation at this time in the morning - it's not about the OW - it's all about THEM ( OW is just coincidental - could be any woman or man) Quite a thought............