HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 10

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been ousted by a pineapple in this 1st post, but sure she will feature if the lazy caaah gets off her...
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married almost 23 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted April 2014 on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 6 months which didn’t work, as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He was then given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court. Still waiting…

Link to last thread here

Link to 1st thread - if you have a spare week or so and want to read the lot here

Thank you ladies. It's just tricky at the moment as I feel I need to have the financials sorted before I move out but doing it while cohabiting is tricky. It's so upsetting and he genuinely feels it seems that it's his hard work and not mine that that has led our family to where we are today. He talks about doing the 'right' thing and legally he knows he has to 'fork out' but he feels that it's wrong and unfair and that he's hard done by somehow. He feels he is giving me something that I feel was mine anyway. I think the reality of his situation is sinking in. He is using the words 'trial separation' more but it's like there's been a role reversal. The more this whole sorry situation has gone on, and the more he's said about how he hasn't valued my contribution, the more distant I feel from him. He doesn't get it.

I'm so hoping that it's not all going to end up in court - I don't think so at this stage. You ladies who have been through that have been amazing and it seems it has been a) entirely necessary and b) worth doing in all your cases.

Hey ho. I always believed we were equal partners on this journey - it seems not in his eyes. Luckily the law says otherwise if not the husband!

Dog walking now. KOKO xx

Old wise one - I think that's totally right, it's them not the OW. In my case I can see that she's come into a situation where nothing was sorted, contact etc and also they've had an affair so he is a cheater so then there's the trust issue. So you end up with exp trying to please them by making them feel secure whilst also displaying themselves as a good person/dad. My exp clearly couldn't manage that and made his choice very clear, OW or himself should I say was more important than his children.
Not one of these men seems desperately sorry for the destruction they've caused! Assholes, all of them.
And I love how whatever we've contributed is insignificant, I worked part time so I was around for his son! I'd love to know what it would've cost these men to pay someone to do all that we've done! And now apparently his maintenance (which doesn't even cover the rent) is crippling him and he would do as he pleased when he had contact because he was paying for everything! Wtaf planet are they on?
I bet they never moan if they spend money on OW just when they have to pay for their children.

wise you're right - you usually are

green your ex must be a contender for the most heartless and frankly nasty award.

I was going to suggest that we start another list - ranking them - that would be giving them too much attention though and frankly I don't think they're worth it.

Well I'm off for another day of lounging at the country club. I think a leisurely swim, followed by a massage and a spot of lunch

Just wanted to say that I'm actually managing the no contact so far, even feeling a teensy bit proud of myself.
Just want an opinion ...he's currently paying the mortgage, building insurance, half electricity, sky ( lowest package ) and broadband... Would you think it's unfair to ask him for child support for 1 dd and to send money to ds ( he stopped when he left) ... Friends are telling me he's getting off lightly but I'm not sure what is normal....
Here's to another day of no contact ... Fingers, toes, legs crossed

Iget We all have different financial circumstances so it's hard to compare, H is only paying maintenance for dd nothing else. It's basic maintenance based on the online calculator. It depends on your ex's income but probably maintenance for your dd would be a lot less than he's paying now, the maintenance H paid doesn't even cover the mortgage.

If he was a decent man I would say yes but we all know that he isn't. I've seen people in the opposite situation advised to stop paying bills because they aren't living there any more. If you forced the child support issue I think he would stop paying the bills, so it depends which would give you the greater amount. No harm in asking I suppose but I'm pretty sure from what you've said about him the answer will be no.

Iget Jusy to add we all get lots of helpful comments from friends and family about finances etc. meant well but not always well informed or realistic.

Have you calculated the level of maintenance he should be paying?

Twunt Quote Alert "well you got yourself pregnant at 21...

Twunt quote alert

" FFS, you're not helping yourself are you? You need to get a grip"

< after yet more inconsiderate wankish behaviour this week>

Hobbit sad thing is pregnancy at 21 resulted in stillbirth 30yrs ago, but he seems to erased that and blamed that on me being a lazy caah, shithead wanker and No. 6

I'm gonna get me a pineapple and ram it up his arse, sideways , stupid prick.
< taking a leaf out of izzies book, re paintbrush>

What a twat, not words fail me, and that's a rare occurrence ......

Hobbit there are many more but I find it seems to ramp up when the divorce gets going, just like you and yours but in my case theres no OW, to my knowledge .cunt, there I've said it, thats better

Twunt Quote Alert

"I fell in love with OW 8 years ago BUT SAID NO because I was married and it was before she met her husband".

Being totally unreasonable, I then had the temerity to ask who fathered her 8 year old son. Apparently that question, according to OW, was "warped"...threatening solicitors letter followed. Solicitor put firmly in place by me. However, I am still none the wiser. The fact he said "no" suggests that OW was the instigator of that little liaison. Why why why didn't he leave then? Why stay when he was "so in love" and she was single...I do wonder what would have happened if OW's husband hadn't been killed...

I really hate the word c**t, but it is the only one to describe those two. I think I had better stop with the quotes, we'll be on thread 20 before you know it...!

I am off for some exercise. ASD course this afternoon which is quite hard work....hope everybody else has a lovely day!

MrsC silly you, you must never question anything, ever, anyway as you dont like the No. 6 word, you can easily replace it with Thrush (same meaning)

Yes thanks for the good advice ladies, I do think at the minute if I pushed cm he would try and pay less towards bills. I'm going to take electricity on myself and get meter keypad in. I've also applied for this mortgage relief thing. I'll be in a better position then to know exactly what he's paying. In some ways I hate that I'm reliant on his money but then I remember that if it wasn't for me looking after dc he wouldn't have been able to climb the ladder to where he is now ( quite high up his own ass too ). Cm calculator would probably have him paying around £500- £600 per month. I think what bothers me most is that he just cut ds off financially. The first thing he did when he left was to tell ds that it was actually a good thing for him as he would get full student loan ... What a guy, selling his departure to his son as a good thing because he'd get more money ! So I now pay ds £50 pw for food as he actually doesn't have this imaginary money yet and we all know it's hard to live without food! I also pay his flights home, his accommodation shortfall, deposit on new accommodation for next term and when he's home he eats like there's no tomorrow and food bill triples. But of course MAR says that my benefits should now more than cover everything and I have more disposable income than him lol !
Perhaps if he hadn't got us into so much debt he would have more.
So yes, I get benefits because I'm officially disabled and he'd like me to keep 2 kids on these benefits. He earns roughly £65,000 pa, I get approx £18,000 pa
tabbie you're spot on, he would also probably go off on one if I asked him for more.
what you see I have been advised to stay put as long as I can and then sell house ( negative equity ) .
Braving that's how I feel, everyone has advice but it's usually not entire helpful when h is such a devious twunt.
I guess what I'll do is nothing lol
As solicitor says, I should cut him off via legal letters for now too... Let him make the next move.
And as I say this after me doing so well re: no contact, he has texted to say he is coming over to cut the grass ???? Wtf ? Now I shall actually have to get up and shower lol. Dd had migraine and the 3 hours sleep I got left me knackered... But I know what will piss him off. I've got paper all ready to wallpaper and as he's such a control freak he will want to know what I'm doing and it will really get to him that I am not requiring his expert help any more... Just as he said to me I shall say back to him What I'm doing now is none if you're fucking business haha

not living loving thrush and MrsC I too despised the word and couldn't even say it out loud as I found it so offensive.... Strange now that it's so offensive I find myself saying it out loud quite a bit in regards to him lol

MrsC I'm trying the "show no interest in his life" approach, seems to be annoying him which is good. It's tempting to keep running over things and questioning myself but it's self destructive and doesn't change the present or future.

I could do with starting dating for distraction but in the meantime I'm planning a new kitchen I can't afford :)

Hard though.

twunt quote alert!

" don't you want me to be happy?"

No, I fucking don't !......

not I think we should name your Twunt , pinapple arse, or PA for short, due to the fruity protuberance from his nether regions, inserted by little old me.

iget I wouldn't ask him for any more as you could run the risk of him not contributing anything towards the house. Would it be worth getting a leccy meter in as they can be a lot more expensive

I know you're in a different area, but have you applied for tax credits, and do you have something from your sol saying you're separated? I'm the same in that he didn't pay anything for DD1 in yr 1, she couldn't get a grant due to his income and i had to pay her accommodation and other stuff her basic loan wouldn't cover, even with her part-time job.

Ds should them be able to apply for a grant (non-repayable) as well as his loan, which would mean about twice the amount. If you haven't done so, I would get on with this asap. Your income would make him eligible for the highest amount.

And of course yr DS could apply in person for maintenance from his dad. i don't know whether that would be a good idea atm though.

Hobbit "I'm gonna get me a pineapple and ram it up his arse, sideways , stupid prick." When you've done that, could you pull it out veeeeeeery slowly then send it this way so I can do the same?

Yes I hate the C word - worst word in the dictionary in my mind, but have made an exception just for this thread.

I really worry when I hear of you who are relying on financial contribution by your husbands, I know unavoidable. I found myself on benefits, having worked all my life, since I was 15 years old and having built a good City career, given up for ex-twunt and his business, only to find myself illegally sacked even before he told me he was leaving (even though I didn't receive my P45 until after!). This has been an utterly humiliating experience, I feel like a complete skank and frankly, I am treated thus by those in charge. By virtue of DS's diagnosis, I now have a "job", as I am deemed a carer. Ex-twunt loves to throw in the "get a job" taunt every now and again (rich coming from he who sits on arse all day long with OW in his arms apparently). What he fails to realise is that by virtue of my skanky circumstances, HIS mortgage is paid by the put upon taxpayer. Hence, as soon as I get a job, I will ensure that he is jointly and severally liable for said mortgage which he once announced via solicitor : "I don't think it is fair I am paying a mortgage for THESE PEOPLE, can I default"? That's his own son on the streets...he then suggested my father or brother might like to pay it. He had other things to do you see, such as buy knickers for OW. He has played silly buggers with the maintenance all along, regardless of effect on DS and I wish I didn't need it, I really do. I thank GOD for the taxpayer as I would be on the streets by now if I was relying on him. I have paid thousands upon thousands upon thousands in tax over the years, being a relatively high earner so I don't feel too guilty as such but I know this is a hole I am going to struggle to get out of. Even woman at JobCentre acknowledged that. Thanks you c**t. So, my advice is to be as self sufficient a possible. I wish I had been, I should have taken my own advice....

I think we are rubbish at taking our own advice, but good at advising others, which is why this thread is such a life saver for some.

For myself, I was always self-sufficient pre marriage. I had my own business I ran from home and catered to some pretty big household names. I was by no means a high earner, but had enough to live on.

I closed my business down to move to another town when I got married, and with getting pregnant 3 months after it wasn't feasible to restart the business.

After 23 yrs I have neither the energy or the desire the restart the same business. plus it has moved on to such an extent it is a totally different animal.

So my only choices now are lowly paid jobs - if I could even get one. All very dispiriting.

Hey ho - tax credits annual review form has just plopped through the letterbox