HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 10

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been ousted by a pineapple in this 1st post, but sure she will feature if the lazy caaah gets off her...
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married almost 23 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted April 2014 on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 6 months which didn’t work, as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He was then given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court. Still waiting…

Link to last thread here

Link to 1st thread - if you have a spare week or so and want to read the lot here

green are you making sure to take some supplements ? I started Vitamin D3 on the advice of my gynae - she says it is great for all round immunity and also "ruminating"...I know that it would take a CASELOAD probably for many of us but it's just a little thought. I am a FIRM BELIEVER in listening to your body - if it is saying bed or sleep than do so ( if you can) otherwise this is when you end up a wreck - well more of one than usual :-) Hope you feel a bit better after your nap x

Tabby, the issue is they don't get that it isn't up to them. The system is in place to protect the contract you make during marriage and to protect the children produced by it. They can't demand or make threats, it doesn't work like that. Had my ex agreed to my offer of well over a year ago, we would have long been divorced, he would have had his lump sum and the children and I would have been happily settled elsewhere. Instead he chose to behave like a dick and ended up with nothing. All he wanted to do was have a lavish lifestyle with OW and overwhelm her with gifts (and believe me, that'll grind to a halt, I know because he did it with me). So pleased all worked out for you!

Green...thinking of you, hope you feel better...and rest up.

2little, bless you, just leave the crap, rest with your little one. It still leaves me speechless, leaving you pregnant and swanning off. What a POS he is. You don't need sense kicking into you, you're just trying to make sense of what is happening, that takes time unfortunately. I agree with your sentiments about it "not lasting", can you imagine? Inflicting all this pain on your wife, children, the wider family, a relationship based entirely on lies and deceit, no way, you want them to carry on with their "grass is greener" sentiment because as with all relationships, the mundane reality of life takes over. My ex couldn't deal with that at all, he thrives on excitement hence his need for continual affairs...there's no hope for some people!

OldWise, where do you get your Vit D3? I have been thinking about taking some of this but understand you need to buy specifically good quality stuff rather than "off the shelf". Your health takes such a battering doesn't it? I don't think I have ever properly recovered from the physical side effects, although I am trying hard to reverse that. Continual stress and anxiety is dreadful and my lovely ex told me he hoped I'd die of cancer soon...

MrsC and WWK have pmd you. Fed up of waiting

MrsC see here re Vit D3. This is what our doctor recommended to the DC a couple of years ago. Vit D3 replaces that lost by lack of sunlight - ie good to take during the winter months.

However, as I've already said somewhere up-thread, Vit B is the one depleted quickly when stressed. It's such a minefield, I find it best to take a double dose of all-round multi-vitamin and mineral supplement when extra stressed

Haha Hobbycraft - we never went there if we could help it - way too expensive! We used Ebay mostly, and a cheapy craft shop, plus a dedicated art suppliers for big stuff like A3 acetate paper. also Wilkinsons for some stuff

Vitamin D3 get it online...the doc said..got mine from Amazon

Puritans Pride Vitamin D3 2000 IU 200 Rapid Release Soft Gels

my X is A FUCKING CUNT

i have just seen bank statements from the company that confirms what he has done to avoid paying me dividends.

what he doesnt realise is that this is the kids he is depriving not just me

I am on the floor!

Thanks OldWise, I shall have a look!

Whatyousee...I am going to give you a bit of advice...please don't think for a MINUTE that your ex is ever going to tell you the truth about anything, there lies madness my darling. Already, the three reasons you've listed are standard. He would have already formulated a story in his head, there is the issue. The lies start, they can't stop, eventually they can't tell the truth about anything at all, ever. Not even simple things. I am sure this is why my ex is unable to make eye contact with me ever...he knows that after knowing him for 20 years, I know when he's lying and I know the face he pulls, he does actually have a "lying face"...it's quite amusing really. Obviously OW has shown herself to be exactly what she is and I understand your concerns, I have very many myself. OW in my case wrote to me to say "I will always do right by you and your children", well that's turned out to be the biggest lie of all! She has done exactly zero, she doesn't give a shit, why would she? You really do have to prepare yourself for the crap they come out with. Mine is still maintaining that he "bumped into" OW two weeks before they "fell in love and moved in together". Because you do that, don't you? Move a complete stranger into your home a few short months after your husband's death, with a child who has just lost his father. A woman who makes decisions like that involving her own child cannot be expected to show any sort of responsibility to one that isn't her own. That's the short version.

So, yes, I agree with your SHIT THIS IS HARD. Take anything your husband says with a pinch of salt and concentrate on getting the best possible outcome for you and your children. He's a twat and will get what he so richly deserves in the long term. You look after YOU. KOKO x

Green...get up poppet, don't be floored. This is normal. They don't give a shit. Mine has done much the same. Indeed raised a £17K directors loan to lavish himself and OW with "things" while telling me he "can't afford" anything, let alone reasonable maintenance. They are ALL THE SAME. He won't get away with it, because the system doesn't allow it, simple. Sending hugs, you poor girl, as if you haven't got enough to deal with x

i want to report him to the police for what he is doing to me - seeing it in black & white is hell

Is it fraudulent?

he is making me use my BC money to pay the bills all the while got money sitting is a savings account - i want to tell his industry that this so called highly regarded professional is a CUNT

I dont know if its fraudulent but its def financial abuse

green well it has been said several times on here that they get nastier the closer it gets.

You are 50% shareholder right? so presumably he hasn't paid himself any divis either? I would hazard that he is using any profit to purchase whatever the company needs, so there is none left over for income

yup he's a cunt! KOKO nearly there

mrsc bobs thank you -

why do they have to do this? i know the answer just venting - they must be one sick F77K thats all I can say

Gren Nothing they do surprises me ! Although mine isn't a company director, he has done something similar. I had a life threatening brain tumour that was missed on an mri by the radiologist. Long story short my h decided ( yes you heard that, he decided ) to sue. It took 5 years and a mountain of stress but I eventually got compensation. The only part of the comp that I actually got for myself was a car that h told me to buy, in fact insisted I buy because I deserved it, I'd been through so much shit and my quality of life was so decreased and I was living with part of the tumour still there ... Well I thought if he thinks I really deserve it maybe I should just this once think of myself and buy it... But what about the repayments ? I asked. Don't you worry, you just pay for dd horse every month and put 1/3 of the payment in the joint account and I'll pay the rest. Anyway bought it ( with spec he demanded it should have to retain its value ). "I think though as I'm paying the repayments " he says " that maybe it should go on my name, just makes it easier for finance " he says.... You just pay the big deposit ! So yes I got my gorgeous shiny new flashy car that I deserved because I'd been through so much.... Know many times I drove it ? Less than 15 ... So he left me, in my car, when the last of the money ran out and he couldn't cope with the debt we were in ( still don't know full extent of his). Funny now when I'm looking my big deposit back ... It's his car and the other car ( 10 yr old unreliable shit heap ) is also his car but if I agree, he'll sell it, pay off what is owed on it ( bought it on a credit card !!!) and generously ( cos he's kind that way ) give me half of what's left, which might be £5oo or might be nothing ! Do you see where I'm going to be once we get to divorce ? He also is adamant and can't stress enough, that he won't pay my legal fees and that I can go live on the street for all he cares... He'll be in our house with dd ( doesn't even want ds as he'd have to pay his uni fees )
So that's what I'm dealing with, along with his abuse and manipulation over the last 23 years .... But then I forget, it's all my fault ( he says )
Bastarding mother fucking cunt ..... May a cart load of karma rain on his fucking big fat over inflated head some day !!!!
God, that felt good to get out, lol

Green they don't have to do this, they choose to. We know why. The court process is brutal and slow, but it's thoroughly tried and tested. You're perfectly okay to feel angry and upset with this news. We've all said it: it would be so much easier if they'd just drop down dead!

Mine bought a house that hadn't even been built yet to thwart my legal claims! Then went on a mahoosive spending spree. He got treated like a cunt by the judge. I wonder why?

When is court for you now? At FDA you can try and get him to agree to split the savings account 50:50 - but it relies on him agreeing. Given he's racking up legal bills as well, he may well agree to this (mine did - against all the odds - given he had no reason to do so!). If he doesn't agree, then it will go to a judge for determination - if there's funds there, and you're being denied access to them, they might order that they are given to you/your legal team to cover their costs. Anything is possible - although judges are reluctant to order anything without very good reason, and that reason has to be because there is no alternative (usually).

Whatever happens, don't tell his industry and try and keep the police out of it. Yes, it's abuse and it's dreadful. Although you might feel justified, you need to keep your head down and break your back trying to be 'reasonable'. It's fucking hard. But do rant away to us - we ALL understand how awful it is.

What - I agree with MrsC there's zero point in asking them why, they just lie, or blame you, or something and it resolves nothing.

No contact is the only way to go, with minimal contact when making arrangements for the kids, obviously.

2little no one needs to kick common sense in to you - you've got it in spades. I will point out there's a lot of 'he, he, he' in your post, which means you're still trying to figure him and his actions out (perfectly normal) but you be the pregnant woman with children, you need to be saying I, I, I.

That's my view.

I take my hat off to all of you going through the gruelling and stressful court process.
Even if we had been married there was no money and no assets and his ex wife already had half of his pension! It means no court process but it also means no financial security so it's down to me to build that for the children, hence the open uni degree and the plan to be a teacher.
I gave myself a kick up the bum and have cleaned the house and hoovered, done some laundry, sorted the shopping and ordered some goodies online.
I got dd some butterfly wall stickers for her room as I've moved her Into the nursery now :(, I ordered alphabet stickers for the nursery and some writing which says: sometimes the smallest thing takes up the most room in your heart - from Winnie the Pooh :)
One for the bathroom saying: life is not about waiting for the storm to pass but learning to dance in the rain and my favourite - life is like a camera, focus on what's important, capture the good times, develop from the negatives and if things don't work out, take another shot.
Nothing like a good saying or quote to pick me up! Oh and I got some adult colouring books - colour me calm! Reckon it will work?
Something has just been delivered here for his son, I need to get it to his son now to avoid him contacting me.
We are all stronger than we ever thought possible and we will get through this.

Slight headache today can't think why.

Thanks for all your lovely messages. Same here MrsC his natural reaction ever since meeting OW seems to be to constantly lie. But I've been lied to so much that I've become like a human lie detector not just with him but with anyone, if someone lies to me I can hear something different in their voice I always know.

Slight headache today can't think why.

Thanks for all your lovely messages. Same here MrsC his natural reaction ever since meeting OW seems to be to constantly lie. But I've been lied to so much that I've become like a human lie detector not just with him but with anyone, if someone lies to me I can hear something different in their voice I always know.

I have also been taking a multi vitamin for a few months which includes vitamin D. It might be all in the mind but I do feel better taking it.

I even had a defence too: blame Izzie

WWK ha, blame me for what you like, they can take me away and out me in the slammer. I am already a fugitive of the law. I parked on twunt's shared drive. Well, not actually his drive, because he is a cocklodger. I was apparently blocking in the neighbours. This would no doubt be the same neighbours who were most interested to find out that he was married with a family. But that's another story. Anyway, I was technically blocking them in, but of course they didn't actually want to go out. My defence was that I was reclaiming my car. Remember? Anyway, they haven't caught up with me yet. I did ask twunt what the difference was between trespass and shagging a married man.....he's still beaten again thinking about that

Can I just say that if it wasn't for the fact that my memory has not been completely erased re two prize twunts.....that I am fucking loving the single life!!!!

Have been out and busy the last two evenings, so not much chance to catch up and/or comment, but just to say congratulations and well done Tabby