HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 10

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been ousted by a pineapple in this 1st post, but sure she will feature if the lazy caaah gets off her...
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married almost 23 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted April 2014 on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 6 months which didn’t work, as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He was then given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court. Still waiting…

Link to last thread here

Link to 1st thread - if you have a spare week or so and want to read the lot here

These are for the lovely semtex who is going to head up the next thread, < do ya think we'll all still be here in our old age? Actually, I'm almost there, scrap that thought>

She is charming and hilarious and will be a worthy successor to bobs who has done a fine job at manning the bar.

Go Semtex and thanks Bobs for your landladyship! Loving the Jessage Hobbit although I note the change from 'doe-eyed' (her normal pose) to 'ah! that's more like it!'. The pineapple and gun clearly suit her...

Whyme Form E is a chore indeed. I hope you're bearing up okay and fuckwittery is low grade at the mo.

Roz they do have a canny knack of making everything about them. You're doing so well to withstand his self-centredness. And please, always, remember this: you're not being selfish building a life for yourself. You're being normal!

Hope your DS improves soon.

What Good luck with the job opportunity! A move in January would be good.

Fuckit I'm glad you're having some recuperation time - you definitely need it.

Right, off to "wurk".

Great Jessage Hobbit

Roz how is your son? Is this an ongoing problem or is it curable?

What you seem to have it all going on Looking forward to hearing about the 3rd date

what Form E is only mandatory if you go to court. Even then some twunts don't believe it needs to be filled in correctly. Otherwise you can do your own simpler version to try to come to an agreement

Whatyouseeiswhatyouget
The court process can be very drawn out. My ex was OKish at the beginning (before new woman), but as it dragged on, it was quite clear that there was 'interference' from this other woman (his salary miraculously dropped before final hearing, she amazingly lost all of her income overnight etc.), oddly typed letters which didn't make any sense but threatened me with massive maintenance drops and prison??!!, and accusing me of lying…………. Also, a FormE from him full of lies.

Are he and the OW living together? If so, her income has to be taken into account too…

What...I can help you with all of this. You know when

Hmm… I would tend to wait until he's employed and/or living with her (if she has an income). That way you can go down the 'dual income' couple route. What you don't want to do is have him looking poor in court and the court almost feeling sorry for him. If you go through the CSA, they will take account of OW's kid/s in their assessment, because they are children in the household. If you go through the court, I'm not sure. Perhaps go through the CSA for the standard, and do top ups through the court.

Be prepared for lots of games. Its amazing how poor, unemployable, and 'harassed' become, rather than pay out for their kids. And how apparently rich, vindictive, and vexatious some of us women become!! :) :) You really will need steel balls!!

Just seen your reference to a CO. Could you have a maintenance figure written into that for payments to start once he commences employment? You'd be able to get the teachers salaries off TES, to work out percentages etc.

Mine is now living with OW, who has 'accidentally' had that baby she always wanted. She has also given up work, thus avoiding childcare, the spousal she was paying her husband and the amount they need to give me and the boys all at once. All very neat.

My solicitor was very clear that ow's children don't count against maintenance as H isn't financially responsible for them their parents are. If it's your ex's own child then it's different. He was happy to put that in writing to H should he attempt to reduce maintenance.

He's had a letter, looks like it's from pensions but it's not his cetv looks like he's filled the form in himself rather than sending it to payroll and he's done it wrong, that's another 8 weeks to wait.

Hoping for no more dc here, H never wanted anymore and is probably already begrudging the cost of hers, don't think he'll want the expense. She's only a year younger than me so getting a bit too old anyway.

BravingSpring

Other children do count if maintenance goes through the CSA. If you go on the CSA calculator and pretend that you are a father living with other children in your new household, you'll be able to calculate the effect that they have on the maintenance level.

The courts don't seem to recognise other children (i.e. OW's children) though in setting maintenance, unless its a case of the father having children with different mothers.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget
Unfortunately, going through court with them does mean that they will take up headspace. You might want to get some rules (about contacting you) set in place before all the madness starts with financial disclosure, hearings etc.

One thing that I regret now is thinking that my ex would have any feelings of guilt, remorse etc. for his behaviour, and be concerned for his DD's welfare. Wrong. Believe me, most of them just switch off as soon as they are out of the door. You and children are history, and their sole focus is breaking you down so that they pay less for the family that they wanted. You have to be hard and fight your corner.

The stress is beginning to show!
Tonight I:
Didn't put the handbrake on my car so it rolled down the drive ( only a few feet) and scrunched against the porch. No real damage, but nasty scrape.

Put the bread maker on before I went out, just took the "bread" out, to discover hot goo. I forgot to put the kneading paddle in.

Queued up for ages to get a book signed by a Famous Author. I already had a copy of the book at home, one copy for me, another a gift for a friend. Wrestled with myself all the time I was queuing, who should have the signed copy? My generous self won out and I asked him to sign " to Holly". Just got home and looked in the book and he wrote "to Polly" !!!!!
One of us has to change our name.

Also, couldn't get my key in the lock when I got home, going to have to genuinely change the lock . But instead of phoning my son to let me in, I accidentally face timed a man I barely know and haven't spoken to in over 5 years. Only got his number in my phone because I did some charitable something or other with his wife.

So instead of "DS3, come down and let me in please." It was "Harvey?? WTF! I can't get in my door". His phone screen showing my baffled little face staring at him.

I'm drinking a hot chocolate and going to bed. Oh and I also got lost in a city today, despite satnav hollering instructions at me.

Comforting reassurance appreciated.

I find it very difficult to concentrate on anything for very long, although I am getting better as this process progresses. One of my great loves has always been reading, but I just couldn't focus for long enough before the worry and stress overwhelmed my concentration and I'd forget what I'd read five minutes previously.

All your forgetfulness and confusion are due to prolonged stress, please be reassured that it will improve. You've come a long way, you are getting stronger and more positive every day. I can read short stories< i love Sherlock Holmes> and can see a day coming when I can read and actually take it in.
This shit just fills your headspace up, until there's no room left for anything else, I still can't understand why he did this to his family, why he put me through that hell, and I suppose i never will. No explanation he could give would justify it anyway. He did it because he wanted too and he could. I need to build a new life with my boys and forget him. He's not worth any more of my tears and my time. KOKO lovely lady, x

Rozalia...your post did make me laugh!

I'd be cracking open the gin after that lot....hopefully tomorrow a better day. x

Oh Roz I'd love to give you dome comforting reassurance but too busy chuckling quietly in bed well that was a memorable day for you....hot goo - lol. Yes I've done that with the car, and forgotten to lock it a few times. I've taken to going back to double check it. And I've broken the lock and had to fit a new one. I find I have to concentrate do much harder and also take things slower. I watch telly and forget what I've watched as my mind wanders. And yes it would be nice to read a book.

I'm sure tomorrow will be better. If not, please post back or post back anyway to say how well it went!

Roz Where to begin....

Officially, I believe, on MN, it's called 'spaghetti head syndrome'.

I am most definitely guilty as (self) diagnosed....

For example, if you want to out me (or spot me...). I own a black car...with a very identifiable 'yellow moustache'...courtesy of me confusing the brake pedal with the accelerator pedal when parking in a multi-storey car park.

Cardiff, momentarily, thought a bomb had detonated.

The barrier I hit with such resounding force is now the subject of a PHD dissertation titled:

The of decortication of yellow paint, a study of meta physical transfer between two metals

Neither the barrier, nor the car, are dented.

Cardiff has been mugged for some old dried paint though....

www.blameizzie.com

I have been back in Cardiff this week. And managed to escape.

The power of the pineapple works in mysterious ways!

On a serious note: one of my great loves has always been reading.

Guess who hated it.

Films/Movies I'm not so bothered by (Guess who loved it...especially animation...)

I only watched them if I had a keen interest in the subject matter (Note: this rules out most films...notably animation). I do love watching decent reality tv shows/documentaries/competitions etc.

Prior to divorce: Googlebox = gigglebox in my world. Formula 1 = Focused come 1pm.

Now. Yeah. Whatever.

I can't tell you the last book I read for entertainment.
I am still paying £140 a month for SKY. I've watched six-ish hours of TV this month. Thinking I might as well give up SKY and TV licence.

I bought my first book for entertainment last night. I forced myself to read it. Didn't enjoy it though. Felt forced.

And that's where I'm really angry.

He controlled, mocked, commented on things that appealed/interested me. Now he's fucked off - I don't have the mental capacity to engage with them.

That's what I want back: the urge to just indulge in what I enjoy. But the brainpower...yeah, I feel mugged.

Sorry Everyone I've balls up Part 11 so until I've worked out how to edit it its a bit of a car crash xx

semtex ah! a kindred spirit .

Well I'm showered, dressed, slap on, ready for another day. What could possibly go wrong?