Evening all.
Yes it's the same 'bastard' first thought of the day for me too. It can be any bit of the whole ordeal - sometimes I want to climb back in the witness box and say more, and sometimes I just want to scream at him.
BUT it DOES get easier. I have to admit I was sceptical about that in the early months. I'm no longer burning with pain and despair from head to toe and I do have periods where I don't think about any of it.
And there are some really good things about him going:
I no longer get shouted at on a daily basis.
I no longer get blamed for everything.
I feel more comfortable talking to men in general (as in I'm not going to accused of having an affair...or divorced for it!!!). [Man in bed is still not on the agenda it has to be said although mebbe one day...]
I can eat whenever I want to (indeed if I want to!).
I no longer get told what to think, do and say. That is bloody marvellous!
I have made lots of new friends both via MN and locally. I'm confident now I can move to Scotland and get myself a decent life going there too.
I think my world will always have some shades of grey because of what he did. I don't think it's ever something you completely recover from, but that said - if I'd known just how horrific my divorce would end up being, I think I would have topped myself early on. I can hand on heart say - please just KOKO, the best you can, day by day. It really does get easier. Not easy, necessarily, but easier.
Iwas Hobbit told me yesterday that they'd moved so bloody close (as if they weren't close enough). My jaw hit the floor - I think it's outrageous they can be so dreadfully tactless and insensitive. Just as I think I've heard it all, then something comes along and truly shocks me.
I know I always ask people not to make comparisons with others or start a sentence with the words 'At least...' . On this occasion, I am very thankful that despite the hell of my divorce, I can honestly say 'at least I don't have him living on my door step'. It's rare I can't find something to say to be supportive or encouraging - but on this matter, I'm stumped.
So please don't apologise for not posting frequently or offering support. We all understand that THIS SHIT IS HARD. Take care.
Roz - I'm glad you're finding 'meh' occasionally too. You're right - the divorce will be the next weapon of choice to bully you with. However, you're really starting to find some self-esteem and your own 'voice'. I think that will help you cope with it tremendously. As MrsC is learning to say 'Yawn, move on' when hers starts with his obnoxious shite. And he's genuinely a cunt. I've met him.
Izzie my parents separated when I was 15 and although we children knew, the 'outside world' most definitely did not. My father then refused to support us financially (guess who was the only sibling who had to self-fund through uni - three jobs and a uni course meant I never got bored!). I was the only child who kept in contact with him. I last spoke to my father when I was 22. In my most diplomatic manner I told him to fuck off. I did once get a card from him when I was in my early 30s saying 'can we not lose touch?'. My siblings were not so fortunate to be remembered. Sadly he forgot to supply an address or phone number but it did have an foreign stamp on the card.
So if anyone lives in South Africa would you mind telling my father that I didn't lose touch with him. I gave up with him. He's white, 6ft, in his 70s and, erm, he used to have a beard. He may well still have one. Thanks.
And you know what - I genuinely think my life was better for him not being in it.
Shame I fucked up with marriage too but hey ho. I told one idiot to do one and one idiot did one. My life is balanced....