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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and friend

322 replies

spottybottycream · 29/05/2015 20:06

We are currently helping a friend of mine out of an abusive relationship.
She is now living on her own with her two children, but has started texting and calling my DH for every little thing. Draw broken, call DH. Text from abusive ex, call DH in tears.
To be honest I feel she should be calling me. DH just fixes drawer or makes consoling noises and is being supportive because I initially asked him to be but he is getting annoyed with it all now. I don't know how to back off without looking like I'm abandoning her after all the help we gave to get her set up on her own.

OP posts:
sodastreamgetbusywiththefizzy · 31/05/2015 17:22

Only just seen this thread, but from the first page I have guessed what the objective of the friend was, through personal experience.

I had exactly the same thing last year, but it wasn't a friend. It was my Sister.

Lurgano · 31/05/2015 17:27

Agree with PP.

Nothing needs to be said - it will all be twisted in her deluded emotional head.

Actions speak louder than words.

Put in a powerful distance and silence.

Original poster
spottybottycream · 31/05/2015 17:30

I can imagine she has got the wrong impression because my DH has gone out of his way to help her, because i asked him to. getting her set up in her own house, putting up curtain rails ect and organising the internet installation for her and being there when the virgin man came and the washing machine delivery man and her landlord as she is nervous around unknown men atm.
I work and DH is sahd so its easier for him to be around for appointments ect and I did after work and weekends.
He is really chatty and friendly so I think she has got the wrong idea

OP posts:
badbaldingballerina123 · 31/05/2015 17:33

This isn't unusual in these sort of situations. The person who's been rescued often grows to feel resentful of those who rescue them. The rescuer often becomes the victim.

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 31/05/2015 17:33

It seems like she has built something up in her head. I think your husband needs to be clear of where she stands as if you do it she will think you are 'coming between them'

Hissy · 31/05/2015 17:33

I'd be raving! I'd not have left her the mower either - a cow like her could fucking EAT the grass for all I would care! :)

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 31/05/2015 17:35

I hope she doesn't try to contact him when you're at work.

BertPuttocks · 31/05/2015 17:40

Expect there to be a sudden emergency that she thinks only your dh can deal with, possibly with an emotional element mixed in to make you feel guilty for saying no.

Maybe a blown fuse that has left her and her children in the dark and now they're really scared....

upthehillanddown · 31/05/2015 17:44

(Speaks from bitter experience) I would want to have a frank and honest conversation with both of them (separately!)just so there was no doubt at all what you think about her behaviour. I am glad you and your DH are solid spotty, some women see this as achallenge though and will stop at nothing to destroy what you have.

And I would never speak to her again. Im afraid I would ask her to find someone else for the code word too. Just cut her off. End of. She's responsible, dont you feel guilty.
And keep your lovely DH close. SAHDs are like catnip to some women. (Experience again :()

I am a cynical old bag and I wish I had been sooner. Good luck.

Bogeyface · 31/05/2015 17:45

I agree that the way she has behaved is terrible but I am not comfortable with the slagging off she is getting.

She has just escaped a man so abusive that there are code words if he finds her to get the police to come. She is very very screwed up, that much is clear.

She has clearly come to see the DH as her knight in shining armour, come to "take her away from all this", and thats probably as a result of the abuse.

I am not saying that the OP shouldnt make it clear that her actions are totally unacceptable, but I dont like the way she is being called names on here. Abuse fucks with your head until you dont know which way is up, the boundaries need to be rock solid and it sounds like they are, but it could well be that in a few months she realises how badly she behaved and is very embarrassed.

I wouldnt be cutting her off, just making it clear that this shit stops now.

Fromparistoberlin73 · 31/05/2015 17:48

As suspected . Agree you need to 20000% cut ties and agree she needs to send someone else the code. To be honest I would just quietly block she sounds line the kind if Cow that would throw something bitter at you if confronted. Cut , cut and avoid .

Shame ! But stay kind op x

upthehillanddown · 31/05/2015 17:48

Exactly what sort of "friendship" the OP could have with this woman after this is beyond me. However damaged she is. There are professionals to safeguard her and her children. IMO the OP has done all she can and more and needs out now to look after her own.

Orangeisthenewbanana · 31/05/2015 17:49

Good post bogeyface Agree 100%

Lurgano · 31/05/2015 17:50

Look at her with pity rather than anger - from a safe silent distance.....

Fromparistoberlin73 · 31/05/2015 17:50

Bogey just because someone is a victim it does not make them a nice person . I helped my ex neighbour and she was vile to me - she is NOT the ops problem anymore she has abused that right . I just called her a cow Smile

MyRightFoot · 31/05/2015 18:00

Bogey please dont blame her trauma on this. it insults everyone of us who have escaped. traumatised? yes but with our morals still intact. the woman is a double crossing slag.

Bogeyface · 31/05/2015 18:03

I am not excusing it at all.

I am saying that she may be doing this as a result of her recent experiences and her blurred view of whats normal.

what the OP does is up to her, but the name calling on here is distasteful to say the least.

And FWIW my first thought on the OP was "she is after the DH".

Bogeyface · 31/05/2015 18:06

I prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt. I have been in an abusive relationship and no, I didnt do this either.

But......if the boundaries are in place, the OP and her DH make it clear that her moves on the DH are not welcome and are not reciprocated and must stop, then perhaps she will be able to evaluate her own behaviour and seek the help she needs. As it is, I suspect that cutting her off will fuel the "Star crossed lovers kept apart by the bitch wife" fantasy which will help no one.

noddyholder · 31/05/2015 18:07

Just step back a bit from the friendship for a short time She is probably all over the place and behaving inappropriately and a bit desperate. If she has been mistreated she probably misinterprets the attention as she is used to a completely different kind of man and has crossed the line because of it Of course she could just be predatory but if you withdraw and are united she will get teh message Some of teh terminology to describe her on here is dreadful

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/05/2015 18:09

I agree to some extent with Bogey - in that we don't know this woman's background, maybe the only way she knows how to interact with men is in a sexual form. Maybe she always interprets kindness as "wants sex" because that's all she's ever known.

However, none of that is the OP's problem; she has already gone above and beyond in terms of helping this friend out, the friend is now showing that she's not so much of a friend herself, so it's time to cut the ties now. Tell her that if she texts you the safety word, you will still call the police, but not if she texts your DH again.

And then, much though this annoys me, I'd think about DH getting a new number and not letting her have it.

Bogeyface · 31/05/2015 18:09

I just called her a cow

Why did you feel the need to call her anything?

donemekmelarf · 31/05/2015 18:10

No matter how needy this woman is, it is still not right for her to be continuously asking for the help of OP's husband.

OP has offered her help.
In fact OP has gone out of her way to be kind to this woman.
So, Why is this woman not accepting the help of the OP?
Why is she fixating on the husband?
Why?

MyRightFoot · 31/05/2015 18:11

bogey, i hate the slag word but in this instance its appropriate. ive had the so called best friend do this to me, it is vile. but coming out of an abusive relationship only blurs your boundaries with the man who abuses you. you are either the kind of woman who hits on your friend's dh or youre not. i suspect shes already hit on him and he cant face telling op, which is why she didnt come to the door. i despise this behaviour and i refuse to believe her abuse is to blame.

noddyholder · 31/05/2015 18:11

It is NEVER appropriate

Gilrack · 31/05/2015 18:13

Yes, I'm uncomfortable with "double crossing slag" and all the other epithets. She appears to be behaving in a very fucked-up way. She's in the wrong. OP & her DH need to protect themselves with distance.

But none of this means she's a horrible person. She's a long-term friend of OP's, remember? It's more reasonable to suppose she's behaving badly due to recent events.