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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and friend

322 replies

spottybottycream · 29/05/2015 20:06

We are currently helping a friend of mine out of an abusive relationship.
She is now living on her own with her two children, but has started texting and calling my DH for every little thing. Draw broken, call DH. Text from abusive ex, call DH in tears.
To be honest I feel she should be calling me. DH just fixes drawer or makes consoling noises and is being supportive because I initially asked him to be but he is getting annoyed with it all now. I don't know how to back off without looking like I'm abandoning her after all the help we gave to get her set up on her own.

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 30/05/2015 10:45

Spotty that's a good plan.

And you're right, there should be no traction to that other than being grateful and pleased to see you, as YOU are her friend, so she should be a lot more comfortable with you, and talking to you, than she is with your DH.

Tiredmumno1 · 30/05/2015 11:11

Hmm I find that text message odd in itself, especially as you are her friend, why would she mind if it's you that answers her messages. I hope it all goes alright when you drop the mower off.

AyeAmarok · 30/05/2015 11:18

Oh I missed your second last post.

FFS. That's weird. Maybe the kind thing to do here (MASSIVELY giving her the benefit of the doubt) is to explain to her that she's making a fool of herself.

AyeAmarok · 30/05/2015 11:25

Anyone else think that, in the friend's head, she already thinks that she and OP's husband have a friendship/relationship and that the friend is trying to imply that OP is encroaching/interfering in their (BF & DH's) relationship?

tribpot · 30/05/2015 12:01

I do think the friend is deeply confused and probably traumatised, and is behaving inappropriately as a result. I think maybe she's hero worshipping the DH because in her head she's turned him into the saviour, and she may be craving positive male attention after years of abuse.

However - she does need to be told to back away and focus on rebuilding her esteem. It sounds like she is at extreme risk of finding another abuser to latch on to and repeating the pattern of behaviour - obviously I'm not remotely suggesting the OP's DH is an abuser, but perhaps him 'rejecting' her will give her permission to relapse. All in all, you're doing the right thing OP - I would make out DH is quite busy but you're happy to do stuff for her. Is she doing the Freedom Programme? She really, really needs to.

FujimotosElixir · 30/05/2015 13:20

just read your last 3 posts , oh dear massively wierd i would be pissed off tbh i wouldn't lend her the mower and explain how inappropriate the last message was.

winkywinkola · 30/05/2015 13:28

Yup. She will be irritated you dropped off the mower and not your dh.

Time to detach. Especially your dh.

No guilt. You've done a lot to help her. A lot. Now unfortunately it looks like it's going to bite you on the bum. How unfair is that?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 30/05/2015 13:42

am I a bad person for being annoyed at her latching onto my lovely DH?

No.

It is more that she is at sixes and sevens than deliberately wanting to hurt you so be patient and try and get her to widen her rl support while maintaining that your DH is busy.

badbaldingballerina123 · 30/05/2015 15:58

It's nice you've helped your friend but it's clear that supporting her is now negatively effecting your own family. You need to really think about how much support you want , or are able to give. Supporting is about empowering , not enabling or rescuing. If she's receiving abusive messages she needs to report those messages and change her phone number. Crying to your husband about it does nothing to change her situation.

The lawnmower, why are you dropping it off instead of her collecting it ? Does she not drive ? I would be very pissed off about her calling your husband and the expectations she has of both of you.

donemekmelarf · 30/05/2015 16:03

spottybotty, what was her reaction when you dropped it off instead of DH?

She should be please to see you. If she wasn't, then I think you have problems Hmm

IreallyKNOWiamright · 30/05/2015 19:26

I have had this happen with a female colleague. Lives a few doors down, works part time in my husbands work place, decides to email him on a matter she could have come and spoken to me about when I see her after school.
So I decided to put her in her place. I said, I heard you emailed my dh, but if you ever need to ask anything, I am always at home. Perhaps it has to be a similar situation with your friend as she is your friend not your dh's. Just send her a text saying that you are always there for her and have more time to listen then your dh. I hope you can work things out.

Fromparistoberlin73 · 30/05/2015 20:45

I would cut ties op

Just because she is an Abused woman does not mean she is a nice woman

Cut her out - you deserve better from a friend

Lovelydiscusfish · 30/05/2015 20:52

Maybe she's got the message and is a bit insulted by the message?

Nonetheless, you are right to keep the boundaries in place that you have decided on - you don't want this causing a problem in your family.

Am really hoping, for all of you, that she will come through the worst of this and stop needing to try and cling to him so much, and then (if she has been a good friend in the past) you can try to get your relationship back on an even keel.

Tequilashotfor1 · 30/05/2015 21:01

Sounds like her boundaries are messed up. It's not uncommon for anybody to come out of an abusive relationship and latch on to the first friendly face.

I'd go and have a chat

PiratePanda · 30/05/2015 21:08

If it's been a controlling abusive marriage, she will probably have no idea how to do anything for herself and be paralysed at her freedom rather than revel in it. She may have been conditioned into believing that she can't do anything at all and only a man can - hence ringing your DH. I wouldn't read any more into it than that. But she needs professional help now to get on with her life, not you picking up pieces when it's now too much.

Justusemyname · 30/05/2015 21:11

I wonder if Henrietta still feels the same about her response to my first post on this thread.

OP, I hope everything is okay.

DialsMavis · 30/05/2015 21:19

What happened when you went round Spotty?

MinimumPayment · 30/05/2015 21:39

I don't think she necessarily has designs on your DH but I do think you and he are right to nip it in the bud. If she gets to a position where she "needs" him that's not good for any of you and TBH I've seen it happen before where a perfectly nice, decent man gets to quite enjoy being needed....

Original poster
spottybottycream · 30/05/2015 22:57

Will update in the morning, have been out all afternoon and evening at a friends birthday do. Too late tonight. Night night (bjy pizd) Smile

OP posts:
Charley50 · 30/05/2015 23:04

Cliffhanger!!

croon979 · 31/05/2015 12:08

So....what happened OP?

Original poster
spottybottycream · 31/05/2015 16:39

Ok, so. I dropped off the mower yesterday. She wouldn't answer the door to me! I could see she was in there and her children were waving to me from the kitchen window. I left the mower at the side of the house and left. Iv had no contact so far from her but she has text DH three times. He replied the second time asking her to contact me instead as quite busy ect, she then text back asking him if that's what he really wanted. Angry

I am bloody livid.

I will be getting my mower back tomorrow and she can bloody swivel.

OP posts:
donemekmelarf · 31/05/2015 16:41

Bloody hell! Your instincts were right all along Shock

She is after your DH, sorry to say.
At least you are on the case.

Orangeisthenewbanana · 31/05/2015 16:42

Oh dear spotty, sorry to hear that Sad Did your DH reply to her last txt?

donemekmelarf · 31/05/2015 16:42

He replied the second time asking her to contact me instead as quite busy ect,

Have you seen the text he sent her?
I would check, just to see that he has definitely told her to stop contacting him.
I know it's not nice to distrust, but you need to be doing these things to safeguard your marriage.

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