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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and friend

322 replies

spottybottycream · 29/05/2015 20:06

We are currently helping a friend of mine out of an abusive relationship.
She is now living on her own with her two children, but has started texting and calling my DH for every little thing. Draw broken, call DH. Text from abusive ex, call DH in tears.
To be honest I feel she should be calling me. DH just fixes drawer or makes consoling noises and is being supportive because I initially asked him to be but he is getting annoyed with it all now. I don't know how to back off without looking like I'm abandoning her after all the help we gave to get her set up on her own.

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 31/05/2015 16:46

At least you are now aware of her motives.

Your dh will block and delete her number I assume?

Cocosnapper · 31/05/2015 16:49

I've seen this before and the shitstorm was epic when the abandoned friend threw herself at the helpful husband and offered to blow him off. Shock apparently she "just wanted to feel attractive again."

OP, go on high alert with this one.

Spadequeen · 31/05/2015 16:49

Your friend may now be feeling. Rather embarrassed, at least I hope that's it. Does sound like you at we're right to mistrust her

donemekmelarf · 31/05/2015 16:50

She wouldn't answer the door to me!

Says it all.
I bet if your DH rang the doorbell, she would on him like a fly on shit.

Gilrack · 31/05/2015 16:51

Bloody hell Shock Angry She thinks she's in a relationship with your husband and has squatter's rights over him! She could hardly have turned her back on you any more clearly than yesterday, could she?!

I fear your DH wll have to be a lot more hard-line, as in "Do not ever contact me again." Being the suspicious old bag that I am, I would rather want to be there and/or see the messages to make sure.

So sorry your friend turned out to be a loon Flowers

Cocosnapper · 31/05/2015 16:51

Yes, dressed in a negligé

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 31/05/2015 16:54

Shock She wouldn't answer the door to you!!!

Is that what he really wanted!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am speechless. She is no friend of yours OP.

Wideopenspace · 31/05/2015 16:54

shudder

Neglige is SUCH a horrid word.

Like MOIST.

ScorpioMermaid · 31/05/2015 16:55

Oh my god, what a megabitch she turned out to be. I hope you both tell her to fuck right off!

Cocosnapper · 31/05/2015 16:55

Yes. And gusset.

donemekmelarf · 31/05/2015 16:56

Being the suspicious old bag that I am, I would rather want to be there and/or see the messages to make sure.

Me too. I would want to see the actual message where he has supposedly said don't contact me again.
Are you absolutely sure he has sent her this message OP?
I wouldn't be surprised if you find out he hasn't told her to stop contacting him. He could just be telling you what you want to hear.
And this could be why she isn't answering the door. She feels guilty.

Even if your DH isn't consciously encouraging this woman.
Unconsciously, he could be 'greatly' flattered that another woman is after him and showing him so much attention. What male doesn't love another woman 'needing him'.
It's probably doing wonders for his ego. Hmm

Find out for sure what messages are going back and forth.

I think it will all work out ok, OP. You sound fairly switched on Wink

Wideopenspace · 31/05/2015 16:56
Wideopenspace · 31/05/2015 16:57

And all three of those words in one sentence...well...

winkywinkola · 31/05/2015 16:57

How did this 'friend' get so far in her illusion your h was being beyond helpful?

Her actually refusing to answer the door to you is just bizarre. Perhaps she thought you wanted some sort of confrontation.

Your h should block her number in front of you.

IreallyKNOWiamright · 31/05/2015 16:57

oh no - your gut instinct was right!
what are you going to do now?

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 31/05/2015 17:02

Bloody hell, a few of the responses on here make it sound like OP's dh is already on his way to shagging the mate. Hmm

Original poster
spottybottycream · 31/05/2015 17:03

I have seen all the messages. I trust him 100% no concerns there whatsoever. We are very much in love smug Grin

He initially replied to her last message with 'yes, as I said, I'm quite busy' and there's been nothing since.

I think I'm going to see if I can get her to communicate with me when I fetch the mower tomorrow. I'm thinking something along the lines of ' I'v seen every message you have sent DH, I am sad and angry that you could try to do this to me after all the help you have had from us. This is where our friendship ends'

OP posts:
bjrce · 31/05/2015 17:03

I would text on your DHs phone,

Coming over to pick up the lawnmower, and ask, why did you ignore DW earlier, she knew you were home?

donemekmelarf · 31/05/2015 17:05

I would text on your DHs phone,
Coming over to pick up the lawnmower, and ask, why did you ignore DW earlier, she knew you were home?

Yes, would be interesting to see what the reply would be.

Georgethesecond · 31/05/2015 17:06

Your DH should block her for sure. If your worried about her needing to contact you (both) and trying that number, you text her and tell her he has lost his phone and is getting a new one. In a while, so as not to be offensively obvious!

Original poster
spottybottycream · 31/05/2015 17:08

George she can swivel if she thinks we are doing any more helping.
If she text me with the code word I will call the police as agreed (as will DH) but that's it.

OP posts:
winkywinkola · 31/05/2015 17:08

I think it's more that it's hard to believe how someone could be so deluded as to construct an imaginary relationship/attraction out of nothing.

hedgehogsdontbite · 31/05/2015 17:12

Did you ask her why she didn't answer the door? I think I'd play dumb and ask her what the problem is.

OurGlass · 31/05/2015 17:12

Crikey, she's behaved appallingly.

ELIANASGRANNY · 31/05/2015 17:16

Spotty, tell her to leave the mower where you put it, and you will collect it. Don't get involved in her deluded thinking, she isn't worth it, and may well come out with all sorts of rubbish. Of course you know it's rubbish, but it will upset you. You have given her all the help you can. Leave her to it now. She sounds as if it's professional help she needs.