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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and friend

322 replies

spottybottycream · 29/05/2015 20:06

We are currently helping a friend of mine out of an abusive relationship.
She is now living on her own with her two children, but has started texting and calling my DH for every little thing. Draw broken, call DH. Text from abusive ex, call DH in tears.
To be honest I feel she should be calling me. DH just fixes drawer or makes consoling noises and is being supportive because I initially asked him to be but he is getting annoyed with it all now. I don't know how to back off without looking like I'm abandoning her after all the help we gave to get her set up on her own.

OP posts:
Charley50 · 29/05/2015 21:27

I would feel the same as you, and I wouldn't be texting your DH if I was in her situation; I'd be texting you.

FujimotosElixir · 29/05/2015 21:30

oh right in that case it is a bit Confused Hmm ...is she definitely messaging him more than you?

Original poster
spottybottycream · 29/05/2015 21:33

Yup, I'm on my phone talking to you guys and he has text twice and called once. All of which he has ignored so far as its just 'conversation' text's with a request for him to bring the mower over for her to borrow tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
spottybottycream · 29/05/2015 21:35

She* not he!

OP posts:
donemekmelarf · 29/05/2015 21:36

It's odd that she's not phoningyou to lean on for emotional support. Why the need to speak to your husband all the time? You're all friends.
I would be wary of the situation.

AyeAmarok · 29/05/2015 21:38

Hmmm, I'd maybe jump straight in there OP with "DH said you'd been calling, is everything okay" so she knows you know what she's up to.

Don't give her the rope to hang herself.

AyeAmarok · 29/05/2015 21:39

Then tell her that YOU will bring the mower over tomorrow.

donemekmelarf · 29/05/2015 21:40

text's with a request for him to bring the mower over for her to borrow tomorrow

I bet once he has 'brought the mower over', he, being the gentleman and feeling sorry for her, will probably end up mowing her lawn for her as well.

The boundaries are becoming a bit blurred here. Hmm
You need to protect your marriage.

magoria · 29/05/2015 21:43

Sounds like you and your H are aware and can control this. (-:

bjrce · 29/05/2015 21:49

Seriously, I would agree with the PPs, you don't want to think ill of her, I understand, but at the end of the day, she is very vulnerable right now and if you DH is attending to her in her hour of need, there's no telling what goes on in peoples heads.

You are obviously good people to help her out like this. But be careful, in no time at all, it could well become a regular fixture that you're husband is the first one she calls on. Don't let this happen. You are right to take on the role of answering texts from her to your DH. Is might also be an idea to drop hints that your husband is "very busy" and there's no need to contact go direct to you.

Remember Liz Taylor, Debbie Reynolds and Eddie Fisher. Enough said.
They were the best of friends!

Original poster
spottybottycream · 29/05/2015 21:57

bjrce who are Liz taylor, Debbie Reynolds and Eddie fisher?

OP posts:
Original poster
spottybottycream · 29/05/2015 21:59

Liz Taylor as in Elizabeth Taylor?

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 29/05/2015 22:01

Exact same scenario happened to a friend of mine.
Her Ex husband and ex best friend are getting married later this year.

bjrce · 29/05/2015 22:55

Yes, as in Elizabeth Taylor,

Her husband died in a plane crash, Liz Taylor was devastated, her BF Debbie Reynolds and her DH were there in her Hour of need, problem was Liz. Taylor than ran off with her BFs husband, married him, then later divorced, one of many!

Of course you trust you DH, but it does happen.

Lovelydiscusfish · 29/05/2015 23:22

Well, your friend is going through horrible times, you and your dh are being there for her, as the good friends you both are.
But it sounds like she's latching on to your dh, particularly, in her time of crisis.

I wouldn't necessarily suspect her of designs on him. Dh's close friend is female, and I'm pretty certain that he'd be one of the first people she'd call on for day to day assistance if her husband left her. Similarly my bf probably speaks to my dh, on a day to day basis, more than me (he's more available), so he would probably be a first port of call for her, too.

Don't over-think it. But also, quite appropriate to put a few barriers in place, if you are both not comfy with her demands. If you filter the calls through yourself, essentially, then I am sure she will quite quickly (and in a gentle way) get the message. This is what I would do.

Original poster
spottybottycream · 30/05/2015 09:43

Ffs, she has text my DH this morning asking why I am replying to her messages on his behalf. Angry
Uh, because I'm your friend and he is MY husband.
I think the softly softly boundary building approach isn't going to work is it?

OP posts:
scarletforya · 30/05/2015 09:55

You need to speak to her I think.

Charley50 · 30/05/2015 10:02

Ew! She's being really weird and intrusive. That would really piss me off.
I have a friend's husband who I get on great with and who is also a very helpful guy, but if I've ever needed his assistance, with my car for example, I ask my friend, not him. I so wouldn't want to seem like i was encroaching on a friend's relationship. Yuk.
Maybe your DH should text back and say that you are her friend, not him, please text you in future (with an added smiley face to soften the blow).

Charley50 · 30/05/2015 10:03

And likewise if my friends want my partner to help them out, they would ask me not him.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 30/05/2015 10:05

You have to tell her that her constant demands of your dh's time is becoming uncomfortable, the lawnmower request would piss me off no end.

Original poster
spottybottycream · 30/05/2015 10:07

I am dropping the lawnmower off this morning after I have done our lawn. She is expecting DH. I'm going to gauge her reaction to that. There shouldn't be one, at all, because it shouldn't be an issue. Right?

OP posts:
RebootYourEngine · 30/05/2015 10:13

I also agree that she is latching on to your dh. Id distance myself from her and get dh to ask her to stop texting/phoning him. If she doesnt id get him to block her number.

Rosieliveson · 30/05/2015 10:20

This is a tricky situation. I'm sure she doesn't have designs on running off with your DH but it bit fair of helping you friend puts you both in a situation where you feel uncomfortable.
Can you not both drop the lawnmower off on your way somewhere and just ask her to call/text you if she needs anything else or a to chat as DH jut passes the messages to you anyway. If she then ignore your request you'll know she hasn't quite got the boundaries in place and can address that directly.

SavoyCabbage · 30/05/2015 10:32

It's almost as if she has switched from your friend to his. In her eyes I mean.

I would ask a friend why her dh was responding to my texts to her. But if I had asked a friends dh where to buy one of those blue and red discs for a mixer tap as I did this week and my friend responded rather than her dh, I wouldn't think anything of it at all.

And if I had asked to borrow something and my friend brought it rather than her dh, I'd be pleased rather than put out. Firstly because I would feel more guilty receiving a favour from someone's dh than I would from one of my friends. And secondly because I'd rather se a friend than the person they are married to.

yasminkitchen · 30/05/2015 10:38

My mum always told me....'never trust a close friend with your boyfriend'