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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and friend

322 replies

spottybottycream · 29/05/2015 20:06

We are currently helping a friend of mine out of an abusive relationship.
She is now living on her own with her two children, but has started texting and calling my DH for every little thing. Draw broken, call DH. Text from abusive ex, call DH in tears.
To be honest I feel she should be calling me. DH just fixes drawer or makes consoling noises and is being supportive because I initially asked him to be but he is getting annoyed with it all now. I don't know how to back off without looking like I'm abandoning her after all the help we gave to get her set up on her own.

OP posts:
wheresthebeach · 02/06/2015 13:02

Just read the thread. Shock

Sorry you're going through this OP - you did something lovely and kind. Now, for reasons outside of your control, it's backfired.

Like everyone else has said your DH needs to tell her he doesn't want any contact.

I wouldn't waste any energy trying to understand her motives; she probably doesn't know herself. You just need to step away and leave her to sort herself out.

HexBramble · 02/06/2015 16:38

Hopefully, that's the end to it OP.
I'd not let my guard down for a good while though. In her mind, she is the woman scorned....

Fromparistoberlin73 · 02/06/2015 17:33

I would agree that's unfortunately expect some more vitriol coming your way / sad to say . Prepare for the worst and be pleasantly surprised if she disappears. Are you likely to see her out and about ??

AccordingtoMe · 02/06/2015 18:41

Excellent messages from the lovely Chris

Hope this is an end to it for you OP

Pipistrella · 02/06/2015 19:24

That is a really good comprehensive email from Chris, and you don't need proof she's read it, only proof you've asked her to stop, which you will have done if you send something like that.

You could just send straightforward 'I think it is best you don't contact either of us again. thank you'

That would do it. Anything else leaves scope for discussion or argument but you can probably gauge which approach would suit.

The thing that worries me is that she might just turn this round onto your DH and start accusing him of harassing her, or even sexually assaulting her etc. It has been known when someone is told 'no' to their advances or assumptions.

Be very cautious and when you have asked her to stop, make sure you do not respond to anything else from her as that will invalidate your request. The police always told me to ask the person to stop, keep a record of that, then keep a record of everything they send after it, but do not respond to anything.

That was how they needed me to handle it in order to proceed with a harassment charge. It may have changed now.

Tequilashotfor1 · 02/06/2015 19:31

Yes I think there maybe more messages. Maybe along the lines that your DH has feelings for her too, it's the part where she didn't answer the door to you has me thinking. What did she think you were going to say/do?

MrsSocks · 04/06/2015 19:12

Wow just read this thread and....wow! It beggars belief that a friend can behave like this! And somehow turn it around that it is you that is being unreasonable! I hope all is ok OP. You and your DH sound lovely and I hope this experience hasn't put you off as helping as you have is a great thing. I hope once your friend comes through this difficult period in her life she realises how despicably she has treated you both and apologises.

HexBramble · 04/06/2015 20:32

I'm rather hoping she just stays away - apologising isn't going to win back trust. She has crossed a line.

MrsSocks · 04/06/2015 21:45

Oh I agree the friendship's screwed, I just hope the 'friend' feels guilty about what a tit she has been rather than hold the woman scorned stance she's trying now.

DragonsCanHop · 04/06/2015 23:14

Just read the thread.

I do feel pity for her but that shouldn't be at the mercy of your relationship with your DH.

Original poster
spottybottycream · 28/06/2015 16:05

Well, after everything going really quiet for weeks, we have had a knock on the door from the police today.
She is claiming that my DH has stolen money from her as well as 'making unsolicited physical contact'
I feel very sick. He swears he has never tried to touch her in any way. I believe him and I know that he has not stolen from her. There's no need for him too.
Why is she doing this to us?

OP posts:
Myfoofneedspruning · 28/06/2015 16:12

Oh no what a bitch Sad. Poor you. She has it for you because she is bitter and twisted.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 28/06/2015 16:16

Ok. Try not to worry, although I know easier said than done. It really is her word against your DH's, so can't see the police taking any further action on that one (as a retired police officer) unpleasant though it is.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 28/06/2015 16:20

Bloody hell Sad hopefully the police will now know the whole story and that'll be the end of it Flowers

Original poster
spottybottycream · 28/06/2015 16:20

Well we kept all her communications, including the note through the door with her number on.
We showed all of it to the police today and they said they would be in touch.

OP posts:
TRexingInAsda · 28/06/2015 16:23

Maybe you should show the police this thread - for background - it's a good timeline of events, and although it wouldn't evidence, thy can at least see the bigger picture of what's going on here.

mamadoc · 28/06/2015 22:42

Wow spotty
I am so sorry
I had a bit of a run in with someone like this once.

She was keen on asking DH for DIY help but he never gave her his contact details so she always had to go through me. I don't think he was quite her type anyway.

I met her at a baby group and knew her for about 2 years. She used me very badly constantly 'borrowing' money, phone, Internet, lifts etc. She had a hard time and I felt sorry for her but it got to the point I was trying to hide from her when she came round.

When I tried to put some boundaries in she really turned on me: she sent me a string of abusive texts and emails, put abusive notes through my door, called me in the middle of the night with number withheld although she knew my mum was terminally ill (I couldn't not answer and every time feared the worst), made unfounded allegations about me to my employer. It was really hellish and I had done nothing except try to help her.

My advice to you is ignore, ignore, ignore.
I blocked her off everything I could and made no response at all. In the end she got bored and went away.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 11/07/2015 20:25

Just read the latest. I'm gobsmacked that she actually did that.

CrapBag · 11/07/2015 23:10

Fucking hell, your poor DH having these accusations when all you both tried to do was help!

I agree with showing the police the thread, it is a good indication of the timeline given the dates are on all posts.

silverglitterpisser · 12/07/2015 19:28

Oh my word, how awful for u n ur DH! Great idea from Trex , really hope this whole sorry mess gets sorted quickly for u.

Flowers Wine n Cake for u.

RebootYourEngine · 12/07/2015 20:54

Oh my god she sounds really deranged. I read this thread when you first posted and thought that once you ignored her she would just go away. How wrong was i. Have the police been back in touch?

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 12/07/2015 21:00

OP this sounds really stressful, how are things now?

alongcamespiders · 12/07/2015 21:11

Goodness gracious, what a sad and stressful situation.

i have recently had a friendship turn sour, not to this extent but some very strange behaviour, lack of boundaries and this woman setting herself up in competition with me even though I was an unwilling competitor. We are now not speaking and she is a neighbour.

I'm relieved to have her out of my life but I hear snippets from her via other neighbours and am always awaiting the backlash.

I hope that your situation is resolved fast and pain free. The fact that she sent those nasty texts then complained to the police surely proves that she was still inviting / encouraging his (imagined) advances.

DragonsCanHop · 12/07/2015 21:29

I missed the last update, sorry you were left unanswered by many.

How is everything today? I agree this thread could be a good time line to show what you have been going through.

babba2014 · 13/07/2015 02:50

I know too well bow meeting people through baby groups online, in person or your next door doesn't turn so well!

I am really sorry this has happened to you. Sadly women turn on women who show kindness and help (not all, some like the person you helped).

I learnt a lesson which was to stick to my old nok internet and phone based old school friends and take it very slowly meeting new people and extending s comfort level with each other.

I was going to say to ignore her texts and notes through the post but then I thought your DH should confront her but through your phone not his but sadly worse has happened. I am shocked and I hope it all fizzles out. This is crazy and leaves a sour taste of not helping women. I hope this stress goes away soon and you can live your lives as a family without all this drama around you.