Husband and friend

[spottybottycream]

We are currently helping a friend of mine out of an abusive relationship.
She is now living on her own with her two children, but has started texting and calling my DH for every little thing. Draw broken, call DH. Text from abusive ex, call DH in tears.
To be honest I feel she should be calling me. DH just fixes drawer or makes consoling noises and is being supportive because I initially asked him to be but he is getting annoyed with it all now. I don't know how to back off without looking like I'm abandoning her after all the help we gave to get her set up on her own.

Oh and I don't use GMail. I think it works with any email. It did with Yahoo and AOL anyway.

I didn't know about those, Dusty! Thanks. I have receipts firmly turned off, and this explains why I still get follow-up messages to emails I've ignored!

Wow, those texts are vicious! I agree with those above - the text to her must come from your DH. Spelling out that he helped her for his wife's sake, if she read anything else into that help she was mistaken. That the way she had behaved to you was wrong, and neither of you want anything more to do with her. And then point her towards women's aid

Could you use whatsapp?

That tells you when a message has been sent, arrived at the other persons account and again when its been read.

1 grey tick is sent, 2 is received and 2 blue ticks means the other person has opened it. Screen shot the message with the blue ticks and you have proof she has seen it.

Goodness! Sounds as if she's transferred whatever 'love' she may have still felt for her abusive Ex to your DH as a coping mechanism. Very unhealthy.

At this point I wouldn't worry about read receipts or such. I'd just send an email or text (from DH's email/phone but signed by both) saying that the two of you feel that she has crossed the friendship line with both of you and that she is not to contact either of you in future or you will involve the police. I'd also suggest to her that she seek counseling. I don't think she's so far gone that such a message won't shake her up. I still feel that she isn't a 'bunny boiler' (although I hate that term), just a woman who has lost everything she thought she had and is looking for a replacement, but without any insight into what is or is not a healthy relationship.

If she doesn't respect your wishes, then I would contact the police.

I like yellowtulips message from your H to her saying "this is inappropriate" .

She needs to be clearly told by him that she's crossed a line and he wants nothing to do with her.

She does sound seriously unhinged. Does she have any family that you could talk to about this, that could talk to her? She's obviously vulnerable but that doesn't excuse her nasty messages to you.

I think, looking back which is obviously easy, dh should have been clearer at the start. Just saying he was busy was probably looking to her like you were just getting in the way.

Dp and I recently met a woman dog walking and next thing she's popping round to borrow stuff, always asking for dp because, you know, borrowing a telephone is too technical for me. She has two traumatised teenage girls. Before you know it one is 'dating' dss and my Spidey senses are really going mad. The woman texts dp asking him to go round and help with her computer (he just ignored it, he doesn't really know much about computers anyway, I know more) and when we were on holiday she was texting increasingly hysterical texts asking where he was - she knew we were on holiday cos we used to dog sit her dog Fridays and had told her we couldn't that week. She also called while we were on hols. Turned out her daughter had gone missing and she wanted to know if dss had seen her - well, fine, but just say that in the first (and only!) text so we can tell you we don't know because we are away.
We had them round to dinner twice around Christmas, never invited back. She got to knocking on the door when dp was working at home and asking him to come for dog walks with her. One time she did it and I was home, so I went and not him - she's backed off now and we've pulled out of looking after her dog. dss not dating the girl but she still turns up looking for him.

To be honest, she gives dp the creeps with her neediness and I know he'd never do anything, he hates women like that. Rightly or wrongly I do look at his texts now and then and never seen anything odd from him. He knows I do. He can look at mine too.

Some women!

Some women? Some people you mean. There are equally bonkers men out there.

I really think the Op contacting her family would be a very bad idea. The friend is creating unnecessary drama , for whatever reason. Nothing positive will be gained by creating more drama.

I don't understand why she would need to pass her number to your husband if she's already been texting him and he has her number in his phone?

We blocked her from his phone. I assume she thinks iv deleted her number or something.

She sounds utterly nuts, your husband needs to be as blunt as he can with her.

Oh good I'm glad you blocked her, best thing you could do. Might still be a good idea to change his number as well, if it's not too inconvenient, in case she gets a new number herself.

As for the vicious texts, well she's obviously really pissed off that you've stopped her burgeoning romance with your DH that was going on in her head - it really does show her up for the sort of person she is. It's not only nice women who get into DV situations, obviously. :(

However, I think an email to her explaining in no uncertain (yet civil) terms why you will be terminating ALL contact with her forthwith is a very good idea. She's not your responsibility.

Winky - I don't doubt for one minute there are equally bonkers men, but I was specifically talking about women. Sorry to upset you with my dreadful sexist ranging.

*ranting.

I think saying that her texts were "inappropriate" is rather an understatement! I think your DH needs to be a lot more clear and definite because probably both your good natures have led to this point. (Quite understandable, who'd have thought she would turn like this)

"I have seen your texts to my wife. You have taken advantage of both of us and you are not to contact me or Spotty again. I am henceforth taking a copy of anything from you and I shall be in contact with the Police with a view to a harrassment order should either of us hear from you again"

I agree with Rousette. I would even go as far as telling everything he did for her he did because spotty asked, because spotty wanted to help a friend. Having now seen the abuse she's hurled at his wife he wants nothing more to do with her.

Like other posters have said, she's not your responsibility.

Oh Lordy, poor you, OP. Unfortunately this stuff does happen, I think it's plain old-fashioned transference. When my dad died my mum launched into an affair with one of his friends whom she kept calling for help, despite the fact that his wife was my parents' bridesmaid!

Having been abused her self esteem will be rock bottom. I do pity her. It could well be just another symptom of the abuse that she will have to get past and deal with.

That's not to say her behaviour should be treated as acceptable in any way shape or form. It sounds like you and your dh are a great team. It's hard to say what the best course of action is. No contact is usually the best way to go. But I think I'd probably encourage dh to write something like this:-

"I am going to make myself very clear since there are clearly some crossed wires here. I only helped you out so much because you are DW's friend and she asked me to. As time has gone by I was confused as to why you were messaging me and not DW. DW was shown every message by me at the time as we have no secrets. If you have misinterpreted my actions as romantic in any way then I want to make it very clear that I was just helping you for DW. I think that you still need support, but after the way you have spoken to DW, who has done nothing but try to help, that support cannot be us anymore. I recommend contacting women's aid and your GP to arrange something.

Please do not contact me again, I do not want to hear from you. DW wishes you all the best but is obviously very hurt by your actions and does not want to put herself in the line of fire again. If you do contact me or abuse DW in any way then I will be taking all your messages straight to the police, I will not see DW harassed for trying to help you.

From Dh (not dh and DW!)"

Have just read the whole thread and my gut instinct is that this is a very damaged and hurt woman who is not thinking straight and is making some very poor and confused decisions as a result. I feel huge pity for her. As wiser posters have said, not all abused women react or behave the same so there is no point demonising this woman on the basis of anecdotal evidence provided other individuals who were in the same situation but didn't behave like this. Human beings are complex and I am staggered by the lack of empathy or sympathy displayed on this thread.

I am not for a minute saying that the OP and her DH should have to put up with this. There needs to be a clear detachment but it doesn't have to be aggressive or threatening. I also can't see any reason to involve or even invoke the police at this stage. If there is clear and prolonged harassment then yes but that hasn't happened yet AFAIKT.

The DH should absolutely send a text to call a halt to this and it should be firm but proportionate.

That's a good message Chris.

The woman texts dp asking him to go round and help with her computer (he just ignored it, he doesn't really know much about computers anyway, I know more)

This is what I don't get. Why do women like this only want the men to help them? Why not ask other women for help?
Like you said - you know more about computers than him, so why ask him?

done because they've been taught that women are passive victims and men are active fixers.

i suspect this woman has some personality disorder, hence she is attracted to men who are off limits, abusive etc. op has known her only two years. i dont think she should be threatened with police but dh must make it clear that op is not controlling him.

I don't think diagnosing someone who has just come out of a relationship where he was so abusive he saw nothing wrong with hitting her in public, is going to help anyone. It could just as easily be that she is so terrified of being controlled by anyone, that when she fixated on op's dh she saw op as trying to control her dh the same way that she was controlled. We can't speculate.

I know I behaved in ways that were very out of character when I left xh. it was a reaction to everything that had happened.

She has thrown her friendship with op away. She has made a fool of herself. hopefully this will be the wake up call she needs to seek proper help for everything she's been through, and op and her lovely dh can get on with their lives knowing they did a good thing.