Husband and friend

[spottybottycream]

We are currently helping a friend of mine out of an abusive relationship.
She is now living on her own with her two children, but has started texting and calling my DH for every little thing. Draw broken, call DH. Text from abusive ex, call DH in tears.
To be honest I feel she should be calling me. DH just fixes drawer or makes consoling noises and is being supportive because I initially asked him to be but he is getting annoyed with it all now. I don't know how to back off without looking like I'm abandoning her after all the help we gave to get her set up on her own.

Your instincts were right, she is no friend to you. How dare she try to inveigle your DH in this way. Disgraceful behaviour.

On a Samsung Galaxy go into contact list. Find number that needs to be blocked. Bring up options (normally touch on left hand side of main button) and it should say 'add to reject list'.

Once the dust has settled you can reflect upon this and realise that you are a good friend who has a helpful husband! Good luck OP. Agree with PP - make sure you prompt her to give someone else the safe word.

It probably sounds mean but I wouldn't be willing to continue the code thing. If she feels she is at risk she needs to put measures in place. It's not the ops responsibility to do this and places an unfair burden on her.. The friend in this case has already done a good job of getting other people to feel responsible for her.

There's no reason a grown woman can't organize her own internet , or deal with the landlord ect.

I think her boundaries are really really messed up, and they are not going to be fixed any time soon. I think you really need to end the friendship.

I wonder if she's capable of taking the hint, or if she's deluded enough to try take it further, like dropping in unannounced?

It will be interesting to see how she behaves this week while OP is at work and SpottyDH is at home on his own... She may try again if she thinks OP is safely out of the way and won't be hanging around nosing through SpottyDH's texts!

Have the police got her address flagged for if she rings 999? I would say the next time you talk to her, make sure to mention it, and then a code word really isn't needed, is it?

How does the code word help anyway? If she can't call or text and say I need help, call the police, how is she going to be able to text the code word?

Well quite. Whose idea was the code word anyway? her's perhaps to add more drama to her life? Surely someone at that much risk would have had a panic button installed?

As a PP said, women who are victims to that extent don't want anything to do with men because of what they have been through. But it sounds as if this "friend" is thriving on the attention she is getting from the op's dh. I would bet money that some drama involving her ex will unfold while op is at work and the dh will be called in tears to come round straight away only for the drama to have stopped by the time he gets there and a distraught friend waiting for him to comfort her.

I am dubious that she was ever a victim of dv at all, and think she probably has history of drama in her life. op do you know from anyone other than your friend about her relationship?

She has acted appallingly but are people really suggesting she invented an abusive relationship, so bad that she's in danger enough to call the police, just to get her claws into OP's DH?!

I am dubious that she was ever a victim of dv at all

WannaBe, that is totally out of order.

This is (with some complications) an all to common scenario. I think the OP's Dh has acted impeccably, I cant believe he has come into any criticism or suspicion at all?!?

Its easier with texts though, without that as evidence you cant really bring it up as you end up getting blamed for everything no matter how strong willed or well intentioned you are.

It's a shame for you to have lost this friendship. I've experienced something similar and like your 'friend' she got no joy.

it's a fair question. A previous poster who has been in a dv relationship said that this kind of behavior is not the norm. And yet, there are posters on this thread who have suggested that this woman has obviously just latched on to the first man who gave her some nice attention.

If the op knows the situation first-hand and knows what went on then of course I wouldn't suggest that she made it up. but if the friend has merely told the op she is fleeing an abusive relationship and that the only references to the police etc have come from her then yes, I would question whether this friend in fact does create drama in her own life for whatever reason.

She has latched on to the op's dh to the extent that it appears she has now completely sidelined the op, and is treating his help as some kind of relationship. That almost has a stalker quality to it, and certainly isn't the norm for someone who is desperately afraid of men having just come out of a relationship so abusive the police are apparently involved.

It's naive to think that there aren't people who make this stuff up. But they are in the minority - of course they are. But the problem with dismissing that possibility is that the idea that someone who has come out of an abusive relationship has the possibility to latch on to the next nice man they come across, and as such women might think twice before suggesting their husbands help them.

Far better that one situation is questioned than suggest that all victims of dv potentially could display this quality and be a threat to someone's relationship...

And if she has genuinely been a victim that still doesn't make her a nice person in her own right. She's shown that quality it would seem....

I don't think the abuse will be fictional but I do think she's enjoying the attention it's brought her. And maybe that's to be expected, some kindness and positive attention for a change, but this is no way to repay that kindness.

Some people have to have drama in their lives too, as it's all they've known.

OP. Your friend has definitely overstepped the mark and is trying to get too close to your H. I saw this happen with a married couple, the H kept helping the friend after her H left and ultimately left his W to be with the friend. (he then left her too a few years later, with a kid, to go off with another friend!)

Your DH has played this perfectly, is obviously not interested in her. She may have deluded herself that they were getting close and that you have put a stop to it.

She may be suffering mentally, but you cannot continue to help her at a cost to your own family life.

Personally speaking, when I came out of my DV relationship people scared me, and men scared me the most. I wouldn't make much if any effort to talk to the husbands of school run mum friends, I couldn't even look men in the face, but id been conditioned by ex that to look at them was a come on and there'd be consequences, so it may be unique to my history.

I didn't doubt the 'friend' in this story in her actions, but on reflection, to me it is a little weird that she would do that, but in her head it could be that she has classed him as Safe Guy and her only way of interacting with men is to flirt.

the events that are described here are out of the ordinary, and i do see where Wannabe is coming from to an extent. the complete sidelining, the little texts asking why MrS isn't replying and the 'Is this what you want?' business, the behaviour WRT the mower is the icing on the cake/proof of the pudding tbh.

I wonder if she WAS all made up, or had planned to be in the shower/bath in expectation of MrSpotty coming round. which is why she wouldn't have answered the door to you Spotty or perhaps she thought you were going to have a go at her?

Spotty has there been any mention of the mower having been taken back? have you had any contact?

Well, some people also 'have to have' a man in their lives. They seem to have a fear of being on their own and latch on to the first man that shows them any attention.

I think it more likely, though, that OP's DH is the first man in years that has treated her nicely and she really can't see the difference between friendship & 'flirtation' in OP's DH's behaviour and is clinging on & misinterpreting out of loneliness or fear. And it's blinding her to what's right. Not an excuse for her behaviour in any way, just a possible reason.

If OP feels that perhaps it's that friend is frightened, lonely, or truly mixed up as to DH's helpfulness & feels that the friendship is worth salvaging, would she be able to have an open discussion with friend about how her behaviour appears to DH and that it's making him 'uncomfortable'? Even if the friendship can't be saved, it could help stop friend from putting herself at risk of starting a relationship with another abuser.

Some people do make this stuff up. I've known someone who does exactly that , dramatic SOS calls in the middle of the night for something that's merely a disagreement. It's all about drama.

I think it more likely, though, that OP's DH is the first man in years that has treated her nicely and she really can't see the difference between friendship & 'flirtation' in OP's DH's behaviour and is clinging on & misinterpreting

I know I'm contributing to a diversion in the thread's topic, but a lot of posts here are still making me twitch, so here's a bit of anecdata to support Across's point.

My mother's almost incapable of interacting normally with a man. She's much better now, fwiw, but through most of my life she has naturally assumed sexual motives to male/female interactions and behaved ingratiatingly/flirtatiously towards men being friendly. She wasn't always like this. It's a consequence of being married to a terrifyingly possessive control freak. Whenever she had a constructive relationship with a man (even a shop assistant) she would be violently punished as if she was really having an affair. There could be, essentially, no difference between letting a man carry your shopping and fucking him in the stock room. Once Dad was out of the way and she was free to socialise, she only had this absurd 'always about sex' pattern to guide her.

It's not the same story as OP's but is an illustration of how that stuff twists your mind. I'm quite upset by posters claiming they know all about it and what they would do.

I think you and your DH have handled this the right away. You definitely need to tell her that if she still wants this code word arrangment then she needs to find someone else.

I've seen this senario before unfortunately and agree with a pp to expect a sudden emergency that tugs on the heartstrings which only your DH can help with. Don't feel bad for not responding if this happens, you owe this woman nothing.

You did a kind thing but some people take advantage. You can't do any more for this woman and no-one would expect you to.

a similar (not as extreme) thing happened to DH and I when a (distant) relative's husband died

we had to close ranks, and tbh, my lovely H was bloody terrified

we managed to salvage the friendship by nipping the late night requests for washer-fixing etc firmly in the bud at a very early stage, and it has remained strong with no feelings too hurt

women (and men) do some really out of character things when they are hurt/shocked/grieving etc

I too have been uncomfortable with the name calling of the woman described here. There was no need for it. These situations can be resolved if the couple in question are totally on board together.

I worked in domestic abuse service provision for years, both as a refuge and a floating support worker.

The truth is that the responses to having lived in an abusive environment are many and varied - "abused women" are not one distinct, separate category of human who all behave in a similar manner FGS. They/we are just ordinary individual women with their own personalities and values like anyone else.

Having said that, it was in fact more common than not, in my experience, to see women who had left abusive relationships get into another relationship with worrying speed. When you have been controlled and micromanaged to that degree, the idea of real autonomy can be terrifying. In theory badballerina yes, a grown woman should be able to organise her own internet and admin e.t.c. but in practice these things can be utterly overwhelming for some women who have recently left an abusive relationship.

None is this is intended to make OP feel guilty about her decision to back off however. It is the right decision in my opinion FWIW. OP is more than entitled to set and maintain boundaries, as is her DH. OP, your friends behaviour is, of course, appalling. This may well be down to the fact that she has been so badly abused but that is not your responsibility. There is nothing more you can do to help her really. She should contact Women's Aid.

Good post fishfingers.

a similar (not as extreme) thing happened to DH and I when a (distant) relative's husband diedwe had to close ranks, and tbh, my lovely H was bloody terrified smile^
we managed to salvage the friendship by nipping the late night requests for washer-fixing etc firmly in the bud at a very early stage, and it has remained strong with no feelings too hurt

A very similar thing happened to us some years ago.
MY DH's friend had just died. My DH initially helped his friend's widow out with a few things, as did I. But this soon progressed to requests to DHonly to call round and fix this, fix that and the other at all times of the day and night . There was some mowing of lawns involved as well if I recall. But she did have her own lawnmower

We were getting phone calls up to 3 times a day. (she never seemed to want to speak to me)
My children were young at the time and it was really starting to grate that he was spending so much time (even some Saturdays and Sundays) round another woman's house, when he should have been spending time with us, his family on the weekends.
(she was from a large family so had quite a wide network of support, so there was no need for her continuous requests for DH to go round there)

Things came to a head one Sunday. We were sat down having lunch when she phoned and she wanted him to drop everything, there and then to go and help with some 'emergency'

DH could see I wasn't happy about it and made some half-assed attempt at saying 'no', but DH doesn't like confrontation, so I took the phone off him and politely said ''well, we were in the middle of lunch'' What is the problem exactly? But I've finished mine - Is it something I can help with?
She wouldn't tell me and asked to ''put DH back on''

I said in a firm polite voice ''He's Trying To Eat His Lunch. You will have to phone back . Bye Bye. Speak soon!''
I put the phone down.

The requests dropped off after that.

Looking back, I think if I hadn't taken control of the situation, there was a strong possibility that spending so much time together (combined with her crying a lot and DH being the huggy type and her hitting the wine bottle most nights from what I can gather) things could have progressed to something else.