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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and friend

322 replies

spottybottycream · 29/05/2015 20:06

We are currently helping a friend of mine out of an abusive relationship.
She is now living on her own with her two children, but has started texting and calling my DH for every little thing. Draw broken, call DH. Text from abusive ex, call DH in tears.
To be honest I feel she should be calling me. DH just fixes drawer or makes consoling noises and is being supportive because I initially asked him to be but he is getting annoyed with it all now. I don't know how to back off without looking like I'm abandoning her after all the help we gave to get her set up on her own.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/06/2015 18:05

OP, if there are any more communications, your H has to sort it out. Cleanly and clearly.

If he keeps letting you do it, or seems strangely reticent, there may well be more to this than meets the eye

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 01/06/2015 18:07

Tell her he asked you for help in dealing with her.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 01/06/2015 18:09

Are you sure it was her Ex who was abusive?HmmShock

She may have lost her marbles due to stress but maybe it's just a long game to get to your DH?Confused

Original poster
spottybottycream · 01/06/2015 18:21

She has just turned on us so quickly! I think I'm in shock tbh. I am also more angry now than sad.

Il talk to DH

OP posts:
QueenofallIsee · 01/06/2015 18:25

Sorry this has happened Spotty, she was clearly no friend at all! I am flabbergasted at the cheek of her to ask YOU who you think you are!

RubbishMantra · 01/06/2015 18:39

OP's already done that Heyho.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 01/06/2015 18:47

I really feel sorry for you, you've lost a friend and must now be mentally thinking through all those other times you were helping, wondering what was going through her mind. She clearly sees your DH as the friend and you as the impediment to their 'relationship'. Obviously you have to continue to ignore her. I also wonder whether a clear text from your husband might help, although her narrative will remain that they would have been together if it hadn't been for you interfering, whatever you do from now on in.

It is not nice to be so kind and receive something like this back, it shakes your faith in people.

dunedame · 01/06/2015 18:57

Wow, she is vicious, and she sounds a bit unhinged TBH.

I am curious to know how long have you been friends with this woman? new or old friend?

magoria · 01/06/2015 19:11

I am a bit worried for her mental health.

She has been texting etc your H for ages so why does she think he needs her number on a piece of paper?

Her thought process isn't straight.

InstitutionCode · 01/06/2015 19:16

I agree with the PP who said DH has to be the one to put an end to this. As long as she thinks you're thwarting their "relationship" she won't give up.

Don't let it be face to face though.

bringbacksideburns · 01/06/2015 19:33

As I said before disengage and don't reply to anything. Your DH needs to step up and make it crystal clear she has overstepped the mark and needs to back off. Not you. If he doesn't she will convince herself that you are the one controlling this and telling him what to do. What a nightmare!

YellowTulips · 01/06/2015 19:33

Just read the thread. Confused

My take is that despite your best intentions any ongoing contact is neither in your, your DH's or your now Ex-friends interests.

She's not going to recover by simply swapping one bad situation with another (the latter being of her own creation).

I think your DH needs to text her and say "I've read the texts you have sent to my wife. These are not appropriate, especially in light of the help she has offered and asked me to offer, which I did on her behalf. I would ask that you do not contact either of us in the future as it seems our assistance has been somehow misconstrued. I suggest you contact Women's Aid to get the support you need going forward."

Original poster
spottybottycream · 01/06/2015 19:34

We have been friends for two years, met at baby group when our little ones were about 6 months. So not really all that long I suppose.
Her ex was a complete dick. I have seen him hit her in public a few times. Its because he has such little care of who see's him hurt her that we had the code word. He really is dangerous.

OP posts:
Original poster
spottybottycream · 01/06/2015 19:35

If we email her and request a read receipt is there a record then of her receiving the email?

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseGirls · 01/06/2015 19:52

I like tulips message. He ought to point out he only started helping her because the OP insisted.

QwertyQueen · 01/06/2015 19:59

I agree she needs to hear it from him, although perhaps more strongly worded!

Original poster
spottybottycream · 01/06/2015 20:02

I'm trying to think of a way of having proof that we have asked her to back off incase we need to involve the police :/

OP posts:
YellowTulips · 01/06/2015 20:04

Yes a read receipt would tell you she had opened the email.

It won't trigger a receipt though if either she doesn't open the mail or when she does the app will say a receipt has been requested does she want to send? If she says no then you simply won't get one so its not foolproof.

I'd text personally as it will tell you if its unsent.

lunar1 · 01/06/2015 20:06

Bloody hell, your husband needs to tell her clearly to stay away. He needs to never be alone with her at any point for anything. You also need to make it clear, somewhere recorded preferably that it's no longer appropriate to use you for the safe word.

TheVeryHungryPreggo · 01/06/2015 20:16

I think a lot of webmail accounts like Gmail and Hotmail etc don't deliver read receipts.

I'd send a text instead, you can screenshot it and email it to yourself if you want it datestamped for the contents, and it will appear on your bill as sent to that number with time and date. She's a reckless texter so she is likely to respond to it, and your phone will tell you if it hasn't been sent for some reason.

OhDearMuriel · 01/06/2015 20:22

Your husband needs to text her and it needs to be direct and to the point.

Gilrack · 01/06/2015 20:24

Spotty, the only evidence the police need is a stream of abusive messages. They can issue their own notice to stop (forgotten what it's called now, they just changed it.)

Rosieliveson · 01/06/2015 20:29

This got weird fast didn't it?!
I agree that your DH needs to be the one to tell her that he was offering her support solely because you and she were friends but as that support has clearly been misconstrued he must insist on no further contact.

DustyBusters · 01/06/2015 20:31

OP have a look at this page. I've used GetNotified - right at the bottom - a few times when we were having problems with a utilities company who denied ever receiving emails. They changed their tune after I sent them a copy of the emails opening logs showing date, time & their postcode. However it's been a couple of years so maybe have a practice run first. Good luck OP.

www.ilovefreesoftware.com/09/featured/free-gmail-tracking-services-track-email.html

Gilrack · 01/06/2015 20:31

Got it. Police Information Notice.

One reason the police get people to sign these notices is to show in possible future legal proceedings that a suspect was aware that their behaviour would count as harassment. This is important because the offence of harassment occurs where:

• there has been a “course of conduct” (not just one event); and

• the perpetrator knows or ought to know that their conduct amounts to harassment.

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