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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found evidence

298 replies

ExitStrategyHelp · 28/05/2015 21:43

Now what?

It's too late for a conversation - long day in the office for both of us.

Unfortunately his loved-up texts (and sex talk) went to DS2's iPad. He is confused. I am angry although not as hurt as you might expect as I am not surprised.

Sigh. I don't have the energy for this….

OP posts:
winkywinkola · 29/05/2015 23:26

Pausing, what happened next?

pausingforbreath · 29/05/2015 23:43

What happened next was lots of tears over months as we stayed together and he put lots of hard work in.
He begged for that 2nd chance, he worked bloody hard . I always let him know I wasn't asking him to stay.
His OW lost the future he promised her, ( he told me of their affair & said he was leaving - she had the week off work for him to move in ). she left the job she had loved for 7 years and the great friends she had there, are now my friends.
From the start I accepted the 'blame' was with him , not OW.

Very nearly 3 yrs on , we have a very different relationship. But a good one.

Apologies for de railing the origional post .

Lndnmummy · 30/05/2015 07:49

OP are you ok?

Penfold007 · 30/05/2015 08:12

pausingforbreath Flowers

Grumpyoldbiddy · 30/05/2015 08:16

Just read this, I hope you and your ds are ok. Flowers

Wishful80smontage · 30/05/2015 08:29

OP hope you are ok?
You have been so strong for yourself and your DCs. I hope whatever happens next you can have a happier future Flowers

jollyjester · 30/05/2015 08:46

OP what an utter douche bag. I hope you got some sleep and your DC are ok.

I have nothing useful to add just wanted to check your ok.Flowers

anniebear71 · 30/05/2015 09:02

Lots of love, how awful he is

Cemile76 · 30/05/2015 09:16

Flowers for you OP, you're doing so well. Please talk to your brother so you have the rl support too.

ScorpioMermaid · 30/05/2015 09:38

pausingforbreath I'd love to have seen his face.. well done you Thanks

Original poster
ExitStrategyHelp · 30/05/2015 10:13

Well, last night the older kids were about until 10is.

He apologised 'for the hurt caused'.
He suggested relationship counselling.
I told him to sleep in the spare bed and went to bed.
I was so knackered from not sleeping the night before and I've had the best night's sleep in ages last night except for the dog whining @ midnight.

This morning he said he's been lonely for 5 years. Yep, know that feeling.
Started saying was I implying 'it was all his fault' - well, yes, the sticking his cock in somebody else IS entirely his fault. The not seeking to bloody communicate his unhappiness to me some 5 years ago IS entirely his fault.

He has been with OW for 4 years on and off.

Pausing, I hope you don't mind. I've used your phrase re 'don't make any assumptions' when he asked me whether I wanted him to move out. I said I 'wanted to move out', but won't.
I've told him I will engage in marriage guidance/counselling and to let me know when he's got it set up.

He's away getting 2 of the kids a haircut just now.

OP posts:
Original poster
ExitStrategyHelp · 30/05/2015 10:15

I am so absolutely furious with myself for having been so passive about what's been going on for so bloody long.
The knowledge of the affair is spurning me in to action and for that I am actually grateful.
My plan is to regain a bit of control of my life and let him consider where his priorities lie.

He says he loves me - well, 'love' is just another word, if it's not backed up by actions.
I wonder whether he thinks about the hurt he's causing OW too?
Git.

OP posts:
Offred · 30/05/2015 10:21

WTAF?! He thinks it's not all his fault?! WTAF?! That would be instant divorce for me even more than the 4 year affair tbh...

Don't be too hard on yourself for feeling as though you are being passive. You are likely just very worn down if this has been going on for 4/5 years. Sad

If you want to go down the counselling route then do that but I think you should ask him to move out in the meantime so; a. It re confirms the 'don't make any assumptions' thing and b. You get some twat free head and real space to process your feelings. If you carry on living with him while doing counselling you'll be under immense pressure to take him back.

Original poster
ExitStrategyHelp · 30/05/2015 10:29

We've been married for 18 years, we once had a great relationship (even though his communication issues were apparent from before we got married) and brilliant, exciting sex. I feel I owe that a go and trying to make it right again, but the effort has to come from him.
It has always been me trying to initiate 'chats' and getting knocked back. So, I will engage, but he has to make the start.
I am not sure he's able to do that Sad.

I am in two minds about the moving out.
We can only keep our show on the road if we are both here. And I'll be damned if I do it all on my own.

I am now questioning every single overnight he's been away in the last few years.

OP posts:
Wishful80smontage · 30/05/2015 10:33

Have you got all the information you need OP to start making some decisions?
Do they work together or will he be able to cease contact with ow immediately?
Would he be able to leave for a few days and stay with bro or sis while you have some time and space to think?

Colabottle10 · 30/05/2015 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Offred · 30/05/2015 10:36

I wouldn't criticise your choice about the counselling. I genuinely wouldn't but you are completely correct that he has to recognise it is his fault and be the one to repair things. He needs separate counselling alongside the couples counselling.

I understand what you are saying about things being very difficult if he leaves but you need to give yourself the option of splitting up at least and you will be under so much pressure with him living there it will be hell. Setting things up so that it is possible for you to separate if that is the outcome of the counselling would be very very sensible as it will be easier to set things up now, while you have anger to power you and to go back to living together if that's the outcome than to be forced by the situation to live with something unhappily for another 18 years.

Grumpyoldbiddy · 30/05/2015 10:36

Colabottle - not helpful.

Offred · 30/05/2015 10:41

He does rather make it sound like he's been having the affair for attention out of an entitled sense of (unfair) self pity. What a pathetic man...

Original poster
ExitStrategyHelp · 30/05/2015 10:43

Yes, I am looking at sorting our finances - I need to regain control there too. I majorly dropped the ball 12 years ago when DC1 was born and have not recovered my mojo since.

I see the affair and the sex as a symptom, not the disease. The disease was there before she appeared on the scene and frankly I think if it had not been this particular woman it would have been somebody else.

And he's right - I don't want to have sex with him. Have not wanted to in who-knows-how-long. I need him to ask himself 'why?'.

I have self-respect and I would not be at all surprised if this 'discovery' is the beginning of the end.
But I don't want to have a knee-jerk reaction to this discovery - the only thing that has change is that I now know.
I want to take time and care and act when the dust has settled.

I don't think he has realised yet that I know that I don't need him; I would love to be in a loving relationship with him, but I am not settling for less. I'd rather be on my now, than with him (or anybody) at any price.

That is what I needed a kick up the arse for to act on.

OP posts:
kittensinmydinner · 30/05/2015 10:47

Unless you are absolutely decided that you want a permanent separation then I would strongly advise AGAINST him moving out. Moving out only allows Ow to persuade him that leaving is right... It gives him a huge opportunity to enjoy 1-1 adult lovey dove time away from the grudge of everyday life with kids/home/ pissed off wife. What's not to like ? Before long a week has become a month the kids get used to seeing dad rather than living with him and you become separated by default. I believe if he WANTS to be with her, then he would leave/would have left before now. It sounds to me that you have both ignored each other's needs emotionally. It's a very common malady in modern marriage. You have probably found your emotional connection in your dcs, which has been more than enough for you as it's exhausting. He has felt disconnected and lonely - absolutely ripe for a 'my wife doesn't understand me' affair. This can be salvaged IF You want it. I believe he does, because if he didn't 4 yrs is ample time to have scarpered.

Offred · 30/05/2015 10:48

Good for you SmileFlowers

Original poster
ExitStrategyHelp · 30/05/2015 10:48

It sounds to me that you have both ignored each other's needs emotionally.

Yes to that.

In fact, yes to your whole post, kitten.

Will you be our counsellor? Wink

OP posts:
Goodbetterbest · 30/05/2015 10:49

Counselling will help you see a way out, it's not necessarily for repair.

It's a lot to give up, 18 years of marriage. But then he already gave that up didn't he? It's not you breaking the relationship. You have to be able to live with what he has done and your choice to stay together. If he is sorry enough, you can probably do it (although a four year affair must be harder to deal with than a one night stand surely?) They must have an emotional connection surely? Just sex is one thing, but four years?

We stayed together a further 4 years, having no intimacy and brewed a deep contempt for one another. XH was a persistent offender, but never (as far as I know) became emotionally involved (not capable).

I would suggest he leaves for a while to give you some space. Only you can decide if you can forgive him, and only he can decide if he is sorry enough to heal this. We all have our tolerances. Maybe he will be sorry enough. But that doesn't excuse what he has done.

Offred · 30/05/2015 10:49

Kittens - exactly why he should move out. If that's what he does then the op would know exactly who he is and if she's like me, wouldn't want him. Who would?!