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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found evidence

298 replies

ExitStrategyHelp · 28/05/2015 21:43

Now what?

It's too late for a conversation - long day in the office for both of us.

Unfortunately his loved-up texts (and sex talk) went to DS2's iPad. He is confused. I am angry although not as hurt as you might expect as I am not surprised.

Sigh. I don't have the energy for this….

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 29/05/2015 11:42

Thinking about it, I think you should send a message from your son's ipad saying you can see the messages, your son has read them as they went through to his ipad and he needs to come home to initially sort it out with his son and then you. I wouldn't be emotional, just state the facts and let him know what he has exposed his 11 year old to.

GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere · 29/05/2015 11:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Justusemyname · 29/05/2015 11:54

I hope everything goes the way you want it to, OP. I hope you'll be okay and that your son is well supported.

HeresMyBrightIdea · 29/05/2015 11:57

I'm guessing that your son's iPad is linked to your husband's iCloud account? He can unlink them. You can either unlink the whole account or just the messaging part, so that the iMessages don't pull through, but to be honest I'd unlink the whole thing incase there are images in your son's gallery now... He may lose access to apps that he's bought though.

Mrscaindingle · 29/05/2015 12:03

This happened to me too OP, in our case it was pictures on my ipad which DS2 (9 at the time) brought to my attention. Thankfully some of it went over his head (crotch photos Confused ) but DS1 who was 12 at the time totally got it and is now not speaking to his dad 2 years later.

For me, although it confirmed what I already knew and we had split by this time it was still a big shock that made me feel physically ill and it was the only time in the split that I took to my bed. It sounds to me as though you are so worn down by your marriage that you've not really absorbed it.

Take care of yourself and get some RL support as you are going to need it in the coming days/weeks. Flowers

Mrscaindingle · 29/05/2015 12:08

Mermaid in our case Ex had bought a new iphone so had to shut everything down and start it up again and yes he had set up my ipad with his icloud account when he bought it.

Technology was smarter than him.

98percentchocolate · 29/05/2015 12:18

So sorry about this Exit. Wrt messaging, I wouldn't do it during the day as it will give him time to prepare excuses. Do it as he is leaving work or nearly home. That way he will have no time to explain or come up with a story.

98percentchocolate · 29/05/2015 12:18

pressed send too soon. Hope you and DS are ok, it must have been a shock for both of you.

Melonfool · 29/05/2015 12:19

Can't you remove the app from DS ipad or something so you don't have to get involved with the OW? Delink it from the joint cloud or whatever is causing it to show up on there?

Melonfool · 29/05/2015 12:19

Can't you remove the app from DS ipad or something so you don't have to get involved with the OW? Delink it from the joint cloud or whatever is causing it to show up on there?

TokenGinger · 29/05/2015 12:22

I'd want to tell the OW! I'd want her to know I know. And not through H.

antimatter · 29/05/2015 12:27

It happened because both Apple devices are registered under the same appleID.
Create a new one for your son to protect him.

Melonfool · 29/05/2015 13:28

This AppleID thing is a killer, isn't it? dss has [had] an iphone linked to his mother and sd's accounts and he noticed his mother had downloaded a load of pregnancy apps......

Obviously it shouldn't be an issue in a household where no-one is lying or cheating on anyone.

Original poster
ExitStrategyHelp · 29/05/2015 13:38

Yep, I thought it was the Apple ID wot did it.

Fuse is lit…
I do need them to stop so DS does not come home to more messages.

Hotel is booked, apparently Hmm

OP posts:
QforCucumber · 29/05/2015 13:41

I know it would never happen but I would love for you to be at the hotel, in their room all checked in for when they arrive.

or what your H is going to tell you he's doing the night they go to said hotel.

Vivacia · 29/05/2015 14:08

Shit. They don't know that you know?

Original poster
ExitStrategyHelp · 29/05/2015 14:16

They know.

A friend has just reduced me to a snivelling, snotty mess by being nice to me and telling me she's by my side. Support from an almost unexpected source.

I have no family, no outside support, huge financial (joint) commitments, 4 kids still at primary school. Shitshitshitshitshit.

I could've lived with low-level not-very-happiness and boredom, but I cannot live with having it rubbed in my face.

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 29/05/2015 14:22

Create a new apple ID for your son for imessage - you just go to settings, messages and then unclick where the email address is clicked then set up a new one. Do it for facetime too.

Sorry you are going through this but I imagine it is a relief that you now know if you suspected it for so long

Theselittlelightsofmine · 29/05/2015 14:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Justusemyname · 29/05/2015 14:28

Well done for the multi tasking, breaking your wife and your son's hearts all at the same time.

I'm sorry OP. Don't let him dictate to you how things are going to be. Don't let him tell you it is you breaking up the family. HE did that.

Original poster
ExitStrategyHelp · 29/05/2015 14:30

I am wondering wether NOT to send him packing tonight, but to have him stay here with his DCs and I go and stay with a friend.
Otherwise he's just going to bugger off and lick his wounds at the OW's, won't he? And I'll be here with all DCs.

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 29/05/2015 14:31

stay in the house

he doesn't sound the type but the last thing you want to happen is you come back and he's changed the locks or taken the kids and gone off somewhere (sorry if I sound alarmist)

Original poster
ExitStrategyHelp · 29/05/2015 14:34

Ach, I know that's the perceived wisdom.
I'll stay put.
I don't know what he'll tell the DCs - I will most certainly not do his explaining for him.

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 29/05/2015 14:38

if they are all primary school, you may not want to say something straight away

children like certainty so not being able to answer questions can make it worse - i.e. you might want to sort out when he's going to see them, where he's going to stay before you explain anything

I would be tempted not to send him packing tonight but sit down and try and talk to him. I know you probably don't feel like that now though :(

Justusemyname · 29/05/2015 14:40

Well if he fucks off to the ow I'd see that as done deal and don't let him back. He clearly doesn't want to stay with you if he goes to her. Though of course he wants both of you.