Just found evidence

[ExitStrategyHelp]

Now what?

It's too late for a conversation - long day in the office for both of us.

Unfortunately his loved-up texts (and sex talk) went to DS2's iPad. He is confused. I am angry although not as hurt as you might expect as I am not surprised.

Sigh. I don't have the energy for this….

Yeah agree on the drifting. But it is still entirely to do with the person having the affair and not the spouse/partner's fault IMO. The affair haver should not have allowed themselves to drift and did.

I'm with the op. Understanding why your partner had an affair is one thing but accepting 'your role' in it is as dodgy as saying rape victims have to 'share responsibility' IMO. An absolutely despicable attitude.

We are not the keepers of men's morality.

Love the comment about "leaning in"OP. Why is it always women who have to work just a bit harder? Having children is just hard work and sometimes grown adults have to relegate their own needs for a while. That's what parents do and it's not forever. I'm sorry he forgot that.

You've been very strong OP and it sounds like you are considering what you want. Good.

So if he admits total responsibility for his extra marital activities?

im with AF ...has he actually done anything yet? i think a condition of him staying in the home needs to be apologising to ds.

Has he spoken to your children yet op?

www.huffingtonpost.com/esther-perel/an-affair-to-remember-wha_b_694976.html
www.huffingtonpost.com/esther-perel/an-affair-to-remember-wha_1_b_694980.html
www.huffingtonpost.com/esther-perel/an-affair-to-remember-wha_2_b_694982.html

www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved

OP I am in a similar situation to you - just 6 weeks down the line. VanillaTwist your story inspires me. We are now having proper therapeutic counselling (not the light weight Relate stuff we had done before) which is dealing with both of our issues in the marriage and from our childhoods. We both want this to work out - but it is tough emotionally - it will take a long time to resolve - if it ever does. The links above outline the 3 ways couples who stay together after an affair tend to behave and I found this useful. I also found some of the stuff kitten said helpful - I believe that some men are entitled - and I see my situation is a marriage under strain over a long time by many life crises coming at once.

Lurgano, I just went into the whole aftermath with one priority - to minimise damage to the kids as much as I could - and that meant I had to be able to be civil and fair to my husband, not feeling sick and wanting to smash his face in every time I looked at him.

I feel like we stumbled into the whole thing, due to kids and life getting in the way, but he made the leap that I didn't and conducted a full affair (then long distance emotional/snatched weekends affair).

For me, the counselling was very much how you describe - it went right back to how we grew up, how we acted/reacted to things as a result of upbringing & personality, what our values were and how they differed and also how we misunderstood each other's intentions constantly without meaning to.
We were so brutally honest with each other, under the guidance of a counsellor, and brutally honest with ourselves too.

Whether we had given the marriage another go or not, I would still have been grateful for the counselling as we would have moved forward positively together or separately.

AnyFucker was right about it only working if you both really want to try, and if you both sign up fully to making the effort.
Had my husband (or me) minimised or dodged issues, it wouldn't have worked out.

for you, and everyone else that is going/has gone through this - it's shit, but it gets better.

Well, my friend got me very drunk, mopped up my tears and tucked me in to a very comfy bed last night - just what I needed.

He has still not said a word to me.

I had told him before I left that he spoke in an age-appropriate manner to the kids before my return, otherwise I would. He's spoken to them, told them he'd had a relationship with somebody else and that there was a chance that one of us would move out. This is what the kids tell me, not him.

Lurgano, thank you for your post and those links - v v insightful. I have no intention to be one of the first two couples and I am entirely up for 'brutally honest' with each other and ourselves, but IMO we will clearly need professional help with that.

I have decided that I will write to him, mainly because I tend to become tearful when angry. I am going to invite him to reply by email if he wants as I'd rather get electronic communication going than nothing.

I still have no idea where this is going, but one thing I know for sure, I am NOT going back to the previous status quo, with or without him. And for that clarity of purpose I am grateful.

I wrote things too - it gets something across, without it getting clouded in argument; nobody can talk over something that's written down.

I also asked my husband to write to me - I wanted to know (as dispassionately and matter of factly as poss) what he 'got' from the other relationship, in his own words e.g. he said attention, sex, being listened to, feeling desired, being made to feel clever etc etc.
I also wanted another letter which detailed what attracted him to me at the beginning, what good points did I have now and what our relationship would be like in fantasy land (with none of life's distractions).

I told him via letter how I felt (lonely, sidelined, tired, ignored, unattractive, uninteresting etc), what I had first loved about him, and what I still loved/found attractive.

I also made a point of keeping the children separate to the relationship in all discussions - we both love them, they are both of our priority and love/affection etc for them is a given - it was our relationship with each other that was broken.

It's a very, very hard and emotionally draining experience, and I often wondered what the point was and felt thoroughly defeated, angry, sad, pragmatic, drained, hopeful and a whole other range of emotions.

That's a great idea. I will write also. None of this is a straight line. It is really hard to know what you want, what will happen and how you will feel over time - and the emotions are turbulent, despair, disbelief, anger, panic, pity, exhaustion, resignation, numbness...but 6 weeks in it is calmer and I am less prone to the gut wrenching suspicion stuff that would put me on the ceiling in panic and anger. I also am doing this for our children as well as our past and our future. He is very much engaged. If I am honest from the 3 types of couples on the links I am somewhere between the first and second - which are not sustainable or desirable - I want to be the third and know that it will take time, effort and pain.

Oh, I wish I could fast-forward 6 weeks and know how I felt then and were we were then.

I've drafted a long email with only the occasional expletive in it and saved it as a draft. I'll read it again and then send it. We'll see what happens.

Please don't send him a long email. That's embarrassingly weak. Silence is golden: let him come to you and initiate a conversation.

You're clearly absolutely petrified of living without this man. But can we help you sort the practical stuff out? The finances, the kids, getting outside support, etc? Then at least you could make decisions from a place of strength, not fear.

Life on the other side of divorce is NOT as hard as living with a cheat. I promise, I completely swear it's not.

You'll get Single Parent Tax Credits. You will be allowed to kick him out and live in the house till your youngest turns 18. You'll get money towards childcare. You can get counselling, and antidepressants, and help towards NHS costs. You'll get child support from him.

What are you scared of? Please let's focus on that stuff, and sort it out. You do NOT have to go along with this marriage, you really don't.

Stop chasing him for a response. Why are you doing all the running after he's been having an affair?!?

He should be chasing you.

Silence is best. Let him work for you and your marriage.

Exit, I am far, far happier since splitting up with cheating XH.

Our home is a more positive place without him in it. The DCs are content and secure.

You need to hold your nerve. He needs to shit himself. Not you. Just do noting for now apart from establish your finances and legal position etc with a solicitor.

OMG, one thing I am NOT is petrified to live without him! Truly, I'm not. I thank my lucky stars that I have a job that if I had to I could support all of us myself and I'd much rather be a lone parent and on my own than continue with how it had been.

Long email sent - "Over to you, we may or may not emerge out of this as a couple, don't assume anything, ball in your side of the court, you do the work to bring us forward - whether together or apart."

He is shitting himself. He's 'very, very sorry'.

embarrassingly weak and petrified of living without this man are fucking outrageous assumptions to make!

Playing games is for kids imo - 'making him shit himself' etc is prolonging the drama. Life is not some crappy soap opera.

Acting like an adult, opening sensible & rational dialogue and dictating the agenda and pace yourself is neither embarrassing nor weak - it is pragmatic and grown up - something Exit's husband has not been for some time.
His OW gave him drama and intrigue, at home real-life carries on via wife and children; he has to start living in the real world if Exit is going to achieve any productive outcome (together or apart).

I think putting the ball in his court is a huge mistake. Up to you to take control yourself, and don't play any games either. He may well slightly improve for a small amount of time, but he will revert to type - they always do.

The OP discovered the affair last week but didn't want to talk about it because they'd both had "long days at work". Then she goes away for the weekend, makes the DH talk to the kids, doesn't talk to him when she gets home, then sends an EMAIL.

All these actions are avoidance. I don't know why the OP is going to such lengths to avoid a confrontation, conversation or argument, but I'd say fear was a good guess.

Good luck OP.

And "embarrassingly weak" was an observation, not an assumption.

Ball should never be in his court. Keep the ball in your court. He calls no shots from now on.

wow. I've just read the whole thread. Stay strong OP i doubt i would have been as calm as you appear to have been.

I wouldn't say weak but I would say quite exceptionally passive.

It sounds like this marriage has been faltering for years (hmm about the same amount of time as he's been having an affair) and no ones said or done anything. Op feels kind of relieved now for finally something will be done - but not by her it seems...
I hope you are ok op- and that you take back some power someday...

lurgano Thank you for the TED talk link - DH and I are 10 weeks down the line after I discovered his affair. We watched the TED video this evening and found it very insightful.

Exit sorry you are going through this. It took a while for my DH to really apologise - he started off trying to convince me we had an unhappy marriage. I think the shock of being caught means they don't always react in the right way and they don't really know what to do. I have to keep telling DH what to do and keep making him read things on the topic. I suppose his number one thing is to sever contact (as much as possible) with the OW...then see how it goes.