Just found evidence

[ExitStrategyHelp]

Now what?

It's too late for a conversation - long day in the office for both of us.

Unfortunately his loved-up texts (and sex talk) went to DS2's iPad. He is confused. I am angry although not as hurt as you might expect as I am not surprised.

Sigh. I don't have the energy for this….

OP, have you spoken with your children yourself about the situation? How are they doing?

Even when/if he does sever contact with the OW....expect her to pop up a different times and in unusual places in an attempt to disrupt everything.....as she will be fuming...this can go on for months - with periods of silence in between.

In my case the OW stalked ME on here and continued to send me abusive direct messages through MN....!!!

She thought it important that I have a blow by blow account of the affair - dont know why she was picking on me -- I didnt dump her....but it showed the dark dirty under-belly reality of the person that my DH was involved with - he was mortified and in reality she just shot herself in the foot as she showed her true nasty colours.

I didnt engage but just added "bunny boiler" to the already low life profile I had built up on her ie massively over weight, fake tan, tattoos, piercings with a couple of fat flea bitten staffies (same aggressive jowly face as their owner!) the sort of scary looking geezer-bird that you would avoid eye contact with in the park.

I didnt engage but just added "bunny boiler" to the already low life profile I had built up on her ie massively over weight, fake tan, tattoos, piercings with a couple of fat flea bitten staffies (same aggressive jowly face as their owner!) the sort of scary looking geezer-bird that you would avoid eye contact with in the park.

Hideous isnt it? It gets worse - she had two badly behaved, ignorant teenage boys. I took DH back for my children's sake - the thought of packing my precious young kids off to spend every other weekend to live the Jeremy Kyle lifestyle with fugly geezer-bird - just made me want to vomit - could nt be further from my values and their experience. It was never going to happen on my watch. Hence the desperately trying to make this work......

Lurgano - why did you take him back?

and sitting in judgement of her is hideous. Your issue should be with your treacherous husband, not her. Your words about her are just incredibly snobby quite frankly.

Lurgano, you are in a relationship with a man that thought that this "fugly geezerbird" was worth wrecking his marriage over

and you "desperately want to make it work" with him ?

words fail me

Hideous isn't it?

I'm afraid it's your vitriol that leaves me a bit nonplussed

I am very sorry, Lurgano

I genuinely think you have been landed the Booby Prize there.

WEll she might be a fugly geezer bird, but your DH clearly was attracted enough to fuck her!! What does that say about him? You don't want your children living the Jeremy Kyle lifestyle? Well, their father would make a great participant! You are aiming your vitriol at the wrong person - she is probably "taking it out" on you because your DH told her that you were a total bitch, wouldnt let him see the kids, bla bla bla - you name it.

I am sorry you went through that, and yes, i agree with you that this woman doesn't sound like a nice person but to make comments about her appearance is really shit. I am over weight, pretty butch looking, so i guess you would describe me the same way. Its nice to know how someone might perceive me.

Wow.
Talk about transference!
You are angry with the wrong person lurgano! :(
Jesus. How can you ever respect him again? He fucked this "geezer bird" after all!
Ah...but it's all her fault, yeah? Would you feel the same if she were a middle class managerial type I wonder?
What would you call her then?

Both you and your DC deserve better lurgano.
How desperately sad you can't see that :(

Don't want to derail Exit's thread too much but, to be fair, I think Lurgano's "vitriol", "snobbery" and "sitting in judgement" is understandable - this OW had an affair her husband and then, when scorned, online stalked her and sent her blow by blow accounts of the affair. I don't know Lurgano at all but I have seen such hideous (and they really were vile) emails from a scorned OW to the wife and who took the husband back and the rage I felt against that OW was unbelievable, and it wasn't even my husband she'd been shagging. I didn't choose my words carefully when ranting about this OW and it was a while ago now but I'm sure I called her ugly.

Of course, I also didn't choose my words carefully when ranting about the cheating husband.

I think that people understand how a cheated woman can hate the OW. You would hardly be human, otherwise.

The comments here are out of concern for Lurgano, I think.

Sometimes you have to be careful what you wish for. And I understand quite often after the adrenalin-fuelled maelstrom of "winning" back your (dubious) prize has worn off you can be left thinking he wasn't fucking worth it after all and losing all your self respect was for naught.

I suppose it is easier to blame the OW as otherwise it means the person you fell in love with is actually a cunt, which is a difficult pill to swallow. I am of the opinion however the OW tends to be a cunt also, however i took issue because people might perceive me as a fugly geezer bird and thats hard to hear, maybe im transfering my own insecurities, sorry x

And the men who shag these "harpies" are forgiven?
Because surely that is what must happen for the marriage to work out in the long run?
If lurgano is happy she has "won" her man back, that's great.
But as AF says, in time she may wonder why she bothered. He sounds a real bargain!
I had an aunt who took her h back repeatedly "for the children". He left her in the end, of course. And both her adult sons are left with scars that will never heal, and both in therapy.
I'm sorry op.
I know this is your life we are talking about.
But...really....it's no way to live, is it?
:(

I took him back 100% for the kids. He is 100% to blame. He didnt think he would get caught. OW knew he was married with 4 kids - when he got caught and dumped her for the sake of his wife and children, OW continued to pursue him.

When he ignored her she started to abuse me directly - hence the bunny boiler alert to the OP.

Of course I am furious with DH but I was between a rock and a hard place - either take him back or let him drag our kids into her horrid household. And yes I am aware that 6 weeks into having my world turned upside down I am expressing irrational, emotional and vitriolic bitterness on an anonymous forum - but humour me - it makes me feel at little better.....

I can understand the anger after an OW carries out a sustained and hateful campaign of abuse. I have been on the receiving end of such behaviour also. But now I just feel pity for her. And I think her 'reward' is my ex - I worry for her safety and sanity being stuck with him. And thank my lucky stars I no longer am part of his life.

I hope your ridiculous husband realises what he nearly lost in you, Lurgano

but FWIW, I don't think his behaviour and what he allowed into your family life is a remotely good example to be setting children

and please don't try to tell yourself the kids saw nothing of the fallout from his stupid decisions

Please think of your dc. I know you think you are "saving" them from this. But the damage is already done.
What he did to them? And to you?
You are right. It's early days. I hope you come to see him for what he truly is and realise that you and they deserve much much better x

I could possibly get over something very brief and meaningless - but years and years of planned meetings, deceit, lying? An actual relationship? Very very tough. I don't think any man is worth that really. I wouldn't want that prize.But I wish you luck.

Well you know it will take the op weeks and months to process this properly.

Op, you may find that you simply u may find that you can't move past your h's appalling deceit and betrayal.

You may find that you can. That's up to you.

But it's also a chance to redefine what you want out of this marriage or any other future relationships.

Courage. Take your time. You don't have to decide now.

winky, thank you, I think you pretty much understand where I'm at just now.

I don't know that I will ever get past the break of trust and this may well be the end of us. But I don't want to act in haste and out of hurt and anger (and I am incandescent with rage) because I believe that the best decisions are rarely made when emotions run high.

When I said the ball was in his side of court, I did not mean that it was up to him what would happen to us. I meant he has to actively go out of his way and prove to me that 'we' are even worth attempting to work on rescuing. We can never go back to the state of ignorance that I was in 4 days ago.

Was it Vanilla who said upthread they had relationship counselling after 6 months? That makes sense to me tbh.
H has contacted Relate he tells me - I'll be at the appointment when it comes through.

I would very much welcome separate counselling too in all honesty.

I feel v little about the OW, but would not want to be in her shoes either. I really don't see any winners here.

And I am not playing games - so undignified and unhelpful. The email I sent has generated more of an honest outpouring of emotion that he has been able to verbalise in, oh, dunno, 10 years. So maybe electronic communication will be a start to sort ourselves out just now. And by sorting out I don't mean 'get back together', but to clarify how to proceed.

Exit, I don't have any words of wisdom for you, but I'm sorry you're going though this and, for what it's worth, I think you sound brilliant. To be able to refrain from immediate action to allow emotions to subside is quite a skill. How are you feeling today?