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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found evidence

298 replies

ExitStrategyHelp · 28/05/2015 21:43

Now what?

It's too late for a conversation - long day in the office for both of us.

Unfortunately his loved-up texts (and sex talk) went to DS2's iPad. He is confused. I am angry although not as hurt as you might expect as I am not surprised.

Sigh. I don't have the energy for this….

OP posts:
Vivacia · 29/05/2015 15:31

(Helpful Bobs Hmm )

I am so sorry OP. When was he due to finish work?

Vivacia · 29/05/2015 15:32

I hope she's feeling sick to the pit of her stomach, and him too (when he finds out).

foxinsocks · 29/05/2015 15:36

Exit, if you go to messages in the settings, it should have something that says 'send and receive' and on that is probably your husband's email address (which he is using for imessage). If you go to that and just untick it, you will stop getting messages without necessarily having to turn off icloud. You can then set him up his own apple ID for messaging if he wants it which he can use for the ipad.

Alternatively, when you go to Settings, Messages, you can just swipe imessage off at the top (though your son may be able to swipe it back on and you might not want that).

Dansak · 29/05/2015 15:36

Stay strong op, what a mess. Its one thing knowing but having no proof and another when you do finally get that confirmation. I have been there, take one day at a time, no need to look too far ahead yet.

Be prepared for the usual script of denial, minimising etc.

Bogeyface · 29/05/2015 15:40

What a wank stain.

Hope you are ok, I remember "discovery day" very well, I was ok on that day but I fell apart a few days later so take it easy and dont expect too much of yourself. :(

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 29/05/2015 15:48

OP I hope you and your ds are okay. I imagine he is going to spend time denying and minimising, having thought what to say all afternoon.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 29/05/2015 15:52

sorry, "he" meaning your dh.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 29/05/2015 16:02

Her happy about the 'couply' time they get to spend together
4 primary school aged children every other weekend is going to kill that mood pretty quickly.

I'm sorry you are going through this OP. Flowers You are married to a prize prick and a stupid one at that.

WashingUpFairy · 29/05/2015 16:27

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Some people are bastards though. He'll be more prepared for this than you are, especially if he's spoken to her.

I think you should try and look to your finances if you're up to it. I've read about so many women being stiffed over money matters after the split. Thanks

Original poster
ExitStrategyHelp · 29/05/2015 16:30

He's just texted 'So what do you want me to do?'

OP posts:
QforCucumber · 29/05/2015 16:32

So he knows ypure aware, what time is he due home from work?
The passiveNess of it speaks wonders, as if he's been preparing himself for you finding out.
Tell him what you said here, you're too tired to discuss it right now. And surely he owes you more than just a text.

Original poster
ExitStrategyHelp · 29/05/2015 16:33

He's due home @ 6pm - unpredictable job.

I think I'm going to answer "I really have no idea - what do you suggest?"

OP posts:
htf2 · 29/05/2015 16:34

reply ' what do you think you should do?' -make him take some initiative. Although I might add 'in addition to a bloody excellent cover story for anal for DS'

htf2 · 29/05/2015 16:35

pretty much cross post :)

QforCucumber · 29/05/2015 16:35

Or, just don reply at all.
Let him stew.

bobs123 · 29/05/2015 16:36

I would reply - "I have not decided yet - do you have any suggestions?"

bobs123 · 29/05/2015 16:36

Or "not come home while I think about it"

geekymommy · 29/05/2015 16:37

He's just texted 'So what do you want me to do?'

I'd be tempted to say, "Mr. xxxxx, I expect you to die!"

Rosieliveson · 29/05/2015 16:37

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My answer would be I'd like you to fuck off to the farside of the earth and stay there but maybe you owe your children a little more than that.
Then again, I'm not the best when my temper starts. I'm so sorry Flowers

Bogeyface · 29/05/2015 16:38

Well "Go to hell" would be my first instinct.

I would agree that batting it back to him would be a good idea, he caused this and is looking to you to make the plan to fix it (mine did the same).

"What do you think you should do?" would be a good answer.

Isyourclockorange · 29/05/2015 16:38

Yes, ask him what he thinks he should do. Honestly, what a pathetic individual.

WireCat · 29/05/2015 16:39

Op, how awful x

Reply with come home, explain to kids, explain anal to 11 year old, pack a bag & fuck off

X

DayLillie · 29/05/2015 16:39

He's just texted 'So what do you want me to do?'

Own your mistake!

foxinsocks · 29/05/2015 16:40

urgh isn't it awful when men send passive aggressive texts like that

I'd be wanting to say hope your dick picks up some disease from her arse and falls off but of course that's not very grown up :)

decide if you want him home or not would be my first suggestion for what you want out of this - I imagine OW has a place of her own so he could go and stay there. I would think, for the sake of the kids, he should at least come back and speak to ds (he owes him an explanation, even if it's in simple terms) and you for that matter to sort out what happens next.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 29/05/2015 16:42

"I wanted you to be a decent person. Clearly that ship has sailed." Hmm