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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found evidence

298 replies

ExitStrategyHelp · 28/05/2015 21:43

Now what?

It's too late for a conversation - long day in the office for both of us.

Unfortunately his loved-up texts (and sex talk) went to DS2's iPad. He is confused. I am angry although not as hurt as you might expect as I am not surprised.

Sigh. I don't have the energy for this….

OP posts:
Original poster
ExitStrategyHelp · 29/05/2015 17:02

He's just sent 'How's DS?'
I replied 'DS is DS. What are your suggestions?'

I have not said anything to DSs and just said to DS2 I did not know where those texts came from and that I would get rid of them and stop them.
I've told one RL friend, have no family in this country, but will tell my DB over the weekend (he has his own marital shit going on though).

I could tell H's brother and sister? Oh, that is actually really tempting.

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 29/05/2015 17:04

I feel for you then. I thought he was like that, you can see it from what you've said of him. He sounds totally exhausting and I can understand why you spotted the affair because I bet he suddenly became a lot less needy because he had found an OW to 'mother' him!

GinSoakedBitchyPony · 29/05/2015 17:04

Now that I've recovered from the shock of him texting you about something so important, I came back to post again along the lines of what MrsNextDoor has said.
He's not playing to the script of denying, minimising etc, so either he's too thick to do that OR he (thinks he) wants out and wants you to push him.

Rosieliveson · 29/05/2015 17:05

That's a good point actually. It's just dawned on me that when faced with the enormity of his affair being discovered he has sent his wife a bloody text!
I think I would call, tell him that you were not fucking teenagers who were going to deal with massive events via text and that he had 30 minutes to get his arse home to explain his god awful behaviour to his wife and children.
I'd also have a bag waiting when he got home and tell him to go but beware that going to her will show that he has made his choice and that there will be no way back to his family. Ever.

ScorpioMermaid · 29/05/2015 17:06

I'd have his bags waiting too OP. he's clearly not bothered/sorry that your son discovered these messages and that he's betrayed you. he needs to explain to your son what anal means aswell.
what a fucking dick. hope his drops off preferably whilst stuck in her arse please get yourself checked out OP xx

foxinsocks · 29/05/2015 17:08

look after yourself. The problem with his family is they may be sympathetic to you but they also might not be and then that will hurt. The important thing now is to protect yourself and the children.

don't tell his work - if they are in an industry where he could lose his job for this, it will indirectly affect you and it's just not worth it (tempting though it is!)

I'd talk to your family first if you can, at least you know they will support you

Original poster
ExitStrategyHelp · 29/05/2015 17:08

Ha! That's one thing I don't need, an STD check - no sex in years.

OP posts:
Offred · 29/05/2015 17:09

Well he has one thing right; buggers can't be choosers...

I think op, if you know what you what him to do I would text back calmly articulating it and then perhaps block him.

Original poster
ExitStrategyHelp · 29/05/2015 17:10

Oh, don't worry, I won't tell his family or his work.
I don't want to disclose his type of work but there are good reasons why he is unlikely to be able to phone/come home.

I think I want him to come home, let him hear how mortified I am on his behalf and then send him packing.

I'll get legal/financial advice next week.

OP posts:
MrsNextDoor · 29/05/2015 17:11

If you don't want him back, then text him one more time to tell him his things are on the step and he can sleep at his ow. house.

bjrce · 29/05/2015 17:11

I would send him one text.
"Come home, right now and explain to the kids"

I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of throwing him out this evening.
When he walks in. I would leave and leave him stewing with the kids for the evening.
I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of going to her this evening.

I would stay out for a few hours if I were you, and talk to someone if you need to. Help you to calm down. Don't even speak to him.
Don't let him leave tonight, that's all he wants.
Tomorrow, I'd walk out again and leave him with the kids. Fuck with his head for a change.
I am really sorry for what you are going through now.

Tiredemma · 29/05/2015 17:12

God- this is awful

what a shit

CakeUpWall · 29/05/2015 17:14

Really sorry that this is happening to you OP. I don't need to tell you that he is a shit of the highest order, as you know that already.

What you may not have thought about, though, is getting yourself checked out STI-wise. Sorry. Thanks

foxinsocks · 29/05/2015 17:14

good plan

then open the champagne and toast him leaving

I'm sorry you don't live next door to me because I'd come round with a few glasses tbh

OnlyLovers · 29/05/2015 17:14

I would stay out for a few hours if I were you ... Don't even speak to him ... Tomorrow, I'd walk out again and leave him with the kids. Fuck with his head for a change.

This is v good advice.

CakeUpWall · 29/05/2015 17:15

Sorry - took too long to press Post. I see you've covered that angle already!

Offred · 29/05/2015 17:20

Well I would run a really satisfying (and maddening) campaign of total calm reasonableness in that case.

I'd reply "you need to find alternative accommodation before you come back here tonight. You need to come here so that you can explain yourself and then after that you will need to leave."

FujimotosElixir · 29/05/2015 17:23

bloody hell op, i would actually tell friends his family especially with your ds seeing it.

Offred · 29/05/2015 17:23

When he arrives tonight you need to use your judgement about what should happen re the DC and explaining to them. But with you I think you should not talk too much. Let him explain himself, then ask him to go.

Offred · 29/05/2015 17:26

I would also tell the DC school/teacher when they go back and anyone else who regularly cares for them as they may be very upset (would tell specifically about seeing the texts). It shouldn't be hidden to benefit him when your DSs might benefit from school being aware.

Offred · 29/05/2015 17:27

And they shouldn't feel they have to keep things secret either.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/05/2015 17:30

"will tell my DB over the weekend (he has his own marital shit going on though)."
OP, please don't let your DB's marital shit put you off talking to him about your marital shit. I thought I was doing the right thing, not adding to someone else's woes by shielding them from mine - I got a right telling off from them when they did find out. In fact, they told me they wished I had told them; they were sick of their life revolving around their own problems and that it would have helped them to be able to focus on someone else for a bit instead. Feel useful offering comfort/a shoulder etc.

So please, do talk to your brother.

Vivacia · 29/05/2015 17:32

I'd reply with "Funny, your mum's first response was to ask how DS was".

I'd go with the headfuck approach until you've figured out what you want.

Would I be right in saying that you've not been happy in the marriage for a while?

HootyMcTooty · 29/05/2015 17:34

Vivacia Grin

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/05/2015 17:46

"Oh, don't worry, I won't tell his family or his work."
Absolutely do NOT keep this a secret for him. It will only give him the opportunity to spin lies that paint you the bad one. While I wouldn't tell his work, I absolutely would start telling his family.

Any chance you could forward that text on anal sex to his mother Grin?

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