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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just moved in - last two mornings crying

290 replies

feelingfretful · 27/05/2015 09:12

I moved in with my DP four days ago. We are expecting our first baby in 9 weeks time. He has always been a twitchy sleeper so sleeping together was never great, however thought just have to get on with it with baby on the way.

Night before last we were both awake a lot in the night, tossing and turning, and seemed every time I dropped off he moved and I woke up again. He was moody the next morning and I started crying so he comforted me and all was okay. I explained I am really uncomfortable being 31 weeks pregnant and feel like the size of a house, and I can't help moving around. Last night we went to bed and I lay there awake as he dropped off and literally every 5 seconds (I counted) he shuffled/wriggled - he was asleep whilst doing this. After 10 minutes it was still going on so I let out a big huff. He woke up, got cross and moved to the other room despite me telling him not to.

This morning I came downstairs and again am greeted with a face like thunder. He then starts having a go at me for kicking him out his own bed (which I didn't) and says he is going to move into the spare room with his bed and I can have my bed in his room. He started going on 'you have been here 4 days and kicked me out my room and my bed... I can't sleep... I have to go to work... you can sleep in the day etc'. I told him to stop being nasty to me and he said I was the nasty one for making a noise at him for moving. He left for work with me sitting there with tears streaming down my face. Yes I know I am hormonal and pregnant but I just want to leave.

[Message from MNHQ: Please note this thread was started in 2015 but the OP has come back to update it all these years later - see her update of 25 June 2023]

OP posts:
quietbatperson · 31/05/2015 18:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IonaNE · 02/06/2015 13:55

OP, are you ok?

Atenco · 02/06/2015 16:54

Hope you are not answering because you are so busy moving, feeling

StrumpersPlunkett · 02/06/2015 17:06

been lurking, hope you are ok OP

Original poster
feelingfretful · 03/06/2015 09:34

I am fine. Still here but plans in place, though nothing can be sorted for next few weeks. He was all apologetic and lovely for last week but this morning kicked off re baby surname. I had always said because our relationshiop has been so on off that if we are not together or making the moves towards marriage that baby will have my surname ie. Baby First name - his surname - my surname. I am having some therapy for anxiety and over worrying - I told him I was worrying about the surname situation but was detaching from it (as per my therapy) so I could try and have a more worry free day. He then started insisting on discussing it... with him getting more heated. I said this is unfair I am supposed to be detaching and now you are making this huge for me. He said I was alienating him and his kids (who are adult and I barely know) by using my surname, and not his. I said you don't even believe child is yours and want DNA yet you are trying to insist on your surname to which he responded to do what I wanted and he wanted nothing to do with the naming at all, and then he threw his coffee down the sink and walked out. This is exactly one week on from 'huff'gate!!

OP posts:
BringMeTea · 03/06/2015 10:29

Put simply OP, he is a cunt. Please, please leave before the birth. Flowers

twistletonsmythe · 03/06/2015 10:44

you are so right giving the baby your surname. Seeing as he doesn't see his adult kids much I guess he won't see this baby much either. Will prob be doing you a favour if he does that.

IonaNE · 03/06/2015 11:12

Baby First name - his surname - my surname
No, OP: Baby first name - your surname.
Baby can change it to include his/her father's surname later in life, if s/he wants to.

Glad to hear you have plans - I hope "next few weeks" aren't too many as you are at 32wks now and it will only get more difficult.

tribpot · 03/06/2015 11:52

Yes, how few is few, OP? You need to get moving as soon as possible.

I'm sure if you said you were giving the baby his surname he would be complaining about how dare you when there's no evidence it's his. The idea is that you can't win.

SignoraStronza · 03/06/2015 11:53

Please, please get out as soon as you can and, if possible, have nothing more to do with him.
I was with a controlling, abusive, blow hot/cold excuse for a man. At 19 weeks pg I was seriously considering flying back to the UK for an abortion. ShockAt 31 weeks, I was seriously considering flying back to the UK and going it alone. I sincerely regret not doing the latter.
I finally escaped when Dd was 2.5. My friends and family day they have never seen such an angry child. She was virtually non verbal (I worked f/t because he was wealthy but financially abusive too, and was never at my sparkling, playful, unselfconscious best at weekends when he was around). Six years on I still wonder how she would be - and believe me, she's a fantastic kid who had come such a long way since then - if I'd had nothing more to do with him and she didn't have to reluctantly see him in the holidays.
The law (and c-section) meant that I had to go with him to register the birth and she was also required to have his surname. It also meant he automatically had parental responsibility.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I am quite envious of my friend, who ditched her abusive twat before the birth, met and married a lovely man, to who she has been able to assign pr, been able to change her eldest's surname to the family name and is unencumbered.
He said many of the same things about dna tests and that I'd been shagging half the neighbourhood. wish I had, life would have been far more fun.
When the newborn was home, I was accused of spoiling her by picking her up when she cried. He'd try to solve this by slamming the pram into another room and preventing me from going in. If his sleep was disturbed, he'd throw an absolute paddy. The constant tension, stress and treading on eggshells will do you and the baby absolutely no good whatsoever. I really do hope you manage to get away because it WILL escalate.
Thinking of you. Flowers

SylvaniansAtEase · 03/06/2015 14:04

Oh God please get out soon. I'm glad to hear you have plans, but a few weeks?! You could be having the baby by then...

DON'T give the baby his surname. At all. Read Signora's post above - again and again. This will be you, OP, and your baby. Get away, cut ties.

Very worried about you.

tipsytrifle · 03/06/2015 20:07

There must be plenty of after care available from a c-section, surely? In any event, him as the after care is a no-no. Move out, get settled. Child is YOUR child. Just my opinion.

tipsytrifle · 03/06/2015 20:13

That sounds cruel. He can/might, of course, prove himself a father later. This has been kind of an onslaught all round, I think. But then he has said from the start a sort of "no". His acceptance and growth may well come. Your independence is always priceless though.

Tequilashotfor1 · 03/06/2015 20:30

Bloody hell op ive just read the whole thread Shock

He really is abusive and trying to mess with your head because you have out up with it for so long it Probally doesn't seem as bad as it is.

Get out of there as fast as you can and keep coming on here for the support Flowers

evelynj · 03/06/2015 22:55

Hope you're ok OP. If you get all packed up, could you even spend a week or 2 early at a cheap b&b or holiday apartment? Sometimes about as cheap as a week's rent & for the reduced stress which you need, may be worth it rather that being in the same space as him as you'll always be on edge.

anniebear71 · 04/06/2015 06:40

I can understand it must be so difficult being pregnant and having a c section. But I think you do really know that you need to leave.you will have so much support from the wonderful ladies on here

Original poster
feelingfretful · 04/06/2015 13:21

To be honest I am kind of scared to leave - not of him, scared cause I like the bedroom I have here - it is spacious and I can relax well. I'm scared of having last few weeks of pregnancy alone, I'm scared of going in for c-section alone, I'm scared of coming back out of hospital and coping with newborn and c-section recovery alone. Yes, I know I can get limited support from family and friends but the long hours of the night I will be alone. The place I can go to is up a mass of steps so once I am up there I will be stuck for a few weeks in a relatively small space instead of this big house, and I will be unable to drive for 6 weeks. Those are my worries and when he is being nice (which is actually most of the time bar the above times) he is great. :(

OP posts:
Offred · 04/06/2015 13:28

You need to be more scared of being trapped in a house, unable to drive with an abusive man. I know that is harder to imagine because you haven't been through it yet but it is a way more frightening prospect.

Offred · 04/06/2015 13:29

you cannot rely on him to support you at all which is better than limited support and you can likely expect him to kick up masses of fusses about you not supporting him/doing enough and be critical of what you are doing...

Offred · 04/06/2015 13:30

*not better

Offred · 04/06/2015 13:32

He may well ask/expect you to do things which will cause you harm. Can you imagine how hard it will be having someone there who is supposed to help and so everyone thinks you are ok and no-one else supports you but actually expects you to care for them as well as the baby and yourself and provides nothing for you?

Offred · 04/06/2015 13:33

That's what lots of us have lived through

Offred · 04/06/2015 13:34

You have no guarantees he will even let you go back to 'his house' when you leave hospital.

tipsytrifle · 04/06/2015 14:11

"This big house" with its lovely bedroom that you like so much - belongs to someone else! It isn't yours, you can't lay claim to it. That part of your desire to stay put is not really ok-thinking at all.

Your fears about aftercare and being alone really aren't in proportion to the very difficult situation you're setting up here. Have you asked about extra care from HV after the birth? Have you talked with anyone in RL about your fears?

I think you're being reckless to stay in this man's home when you have a decent alternative, steps and all. Fingers crossed that I'm being overly pessimistic and cynical.

Hissy · 04/06/2015 14:40

I used live in a part of a city that others living in that city would only have dreamed of. I had a view of one of the most ancient harbours in the world, where people come from all over the world come to dive to find the many treasures there. It's been on telly numerous times. Next door was one of the key buildings in the continent. We had a car, ready and clean for us whenever it was needed. Shopping at the supermarket every week or so attracted attention due to being a spend of an equivalent £1000.

i would travel home to the UK whenever I wanted, went to the US and back, to the outsider I had everything.

But it was a golden cage. I knew this, every second of the day, I was abjectly miserable and lived in fear of falling foul of the man I lived with and had a small child with. Had I had access to alcohol or sleeping tablets, I'd be battling addiction. had I not had my DS, I'd probably have walked into the sea. I left there almost broken, withered and terrified of the outdoors.

get out now love. You can and must leave. Your head is the jailer now, deep breath and get yourself out of there, today, tomorrow, but immediately you are able.

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