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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just moved in - last two mornings crying

290 replies

feelingfretful · 27/05/2015 09:12

I moved in with my DP four days ago. We are expecting our first baby in 9 weeks time. He has always been a twitchy sleeper so sleeping together was never great, however thought just have to get on with it with baby on the way.

Night before last we were both awake a lot in the night, tossing and turning, and seemed every time I dropped off he moved and I woke up again. He was moody the next morning and I started crying so he comforted me and all was okay. I explained I am really uncomfortable being 31 weeks pregnant and feel like the size of a house, and I can't help moving around. Last night we went to bed and I lay there awake as he dropped off and literally every 5 seconds (I counted) he shuffled/wriggled - he was asleep whilst doing this. After 10 minutes it was still going on so I let out a big huff. He woke up, got cross and moved to the other room despite me telling him not to.

This morning I came downstairs and again am greeted with a face like thunder. He then starts having a go at me for kicking him out his own bed (which I didn't) and says he is going to move into the spare room with his bed and I can have my bed in his room. He started going on 'you have been here 4 days and kicked me out my room and my bed... I can't sleep... I have to go to work... you can sleep in the day etc'. I told him to stop being nasty to me and he said I was the nasty one for making a noise at him for moving. He left for work with me sitting there with tears streaming down my face. Yes I know I am hormonal and pregnant but I just want to leave.

[Message from MNHQ: Please note this thread was started in 2015 but the OP has come back to update it all these years later - see her update of 25 June 2023]

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 29/05/2015 22:51

He is doing this tomcontrol you. Make you know yurmolace so you willinow what will happen if you disagree with him again. You must leave.

Original poster
feelingfretful · 29/05/2015 22:54

Yes I know deep down I still have to go. I just said ' I don't know what to say right now'. It makes it easier that he said it ie. feel less shit about myself and it makes it harder too ie. to be strong and get out of here.

OP posts:
ClawofBumhead · 29/05/2015 22:58

Sending you hugs. It is not abnormal for both parents to have a bit of a meltdown thing going on for first baby, it sure can be a difficult transition for both parents. Try to talk afterwards, pull the team together. Flowers

tribpot · 29/05/2015 23:20

So now you have an escape route he's suddenly willing to apologise?

You have somewhere to go to - get out now and you can see if the relationship can be repaired without having to worry about where you and the baby are going to sleep. He threatened you with solicitors less than 12 hours ago.

AnyRailway · 29/05/2015 23:29

I'm so glad you have somewhere to go!!!

Please don't ever go back. You have had an extremely lucky and very last minute escape from a dangerously abusive man.

Don't tell him where you've gone. And please protect your child by not naming him on the birth certificate.

I know you're tired at this stage of pregnancy, but it is so good that you are able to get out and settled somewhere else before the baby is born.

When you have the head space, have a look at the Freedom Programme online. It's about recognising the signs of domestic abuse. You have described so much on this thread that is really concerning.

Well done for having the courage to take action. I wish you all the luck in the world Flowers

It might be worth calling women's aid about making a plan to leave safely.

Vivacia · 30/05/2015 07:38

I have decided against relatives place as it is in a really shitty area, however, I have found a solution through a friend - family member has place I can take on.

Brilliant solution, well done you.

Bizzarely, I am sat in 'my' room and he just came in and said he does not want to hurt me and baby or cause us damage, that despite what I think he is not a bad person

Great, so now he's not going to bully you and will help you set up a home for his child.

he wants me to give him another chance and wants me to stay either way...

Bless. Well, it's not all about him is it?

...even with his unpredictable behaviour I didn't see that one coming

No, as PP said, it's funny how he's changed his tune now you're not completely at a loss, isn't it?

Hissy · 30/05/2015 08:50

Bizzarely, I am sat in 'my' room and he just came in and said he does not want to hurt me and baby or cause us damage, that despite what I think he is not a bad person

Kindly note this. His only concern is how he is perceived. He is scared shitless of being seen as a bad person, but sadly that need to control his image means that he's out of his depth in any relationship, so goes hyper controlling arse.

You can't change him, and if you read back as if this was somebody else, what would you advise?

tipsytrifle · 30/05/2015 08:50

Please don't stay no matter how tempting it seems. You can continue this relationship while living apart, if you really wish. This man is not to be trusted with your or baby's welfare. He pushes and pulls you emotionally and you will never have a sense of comfortable security in his presence.

You have been offered the gift of a relatively easy escape. Please take it with grace, determination and haste!

OTheHugeManatee · 30/05/2015 09:12

Echoing what others have said. Don't be tempted by your yearning for love and support into staying a moment longer with this abusive man. The moment your escape route closes again he'll be back to his bullying self again. Get out NOW.

JsOtherHalf · 30/05/2015 09:47

You might be able to stay in hospital for longer than usual after the birth. Ask your midwives about it.

Original poster
feelingfretful · 30/05/2015 10:05

Thank you to all posters that have responded and for staying with me!

So this morning I slept in having been up half the night, he came in and been to the shops brought me a new pregnancy support pillow. He kept saying sorry and forgive me... that was very wierd... he has done many things to me over the years that I barely had an apology for. Was interesting to see him let his guard down and move towards begging for me to stay. Really, really, really odd. I just said I cannot make my mind up on anything right now as I am still in shock as to what he has done to me. He has promised he will never do it again and will write up an agreement that means he cannot ask me to leave. Clearly I am tempted to just stay for 3.5 months (in seperate rooms not being back together) to give me the 6 week recovery after c-section. I am so exhausted today and have a delightful rash appeared all over my face. He then even offered to move out and kept asking me if I wanted him to. I should have just said yes, but I said i can't make that decision.

I also wonder if it is because I told him yesterday he would need to repay all my costs of moving in and moving out, he agreed to this and told me to list them. I did and I also added on half for all baby equipment needed to buy and it came to around £1,800. He agreed to it last night on the premise that I never, ever contact him again.

As I write this I realise he is off his f'ing nut!!!

I hear what you all say about emotional abuse and yes I know its true. I did start the Freedom program online and have used many self help books whilst in this relationship to try and break free from him but sadly never succeeded. However, now I have a baby to think about and there is no way I will let him make me anxious, stressed and depressed for my baby so I think this will actually be my saving grace.

OP posts:
Original poster
feelingfretful · 30/05/2015 10:08

What I should add is when he said about him moving out I asked where he would go and he said he would sort something. He then got up left the room and mumbled something about putting washing on. 10 minutes later he left in the car goodness knows where to... but thinking about it now I think he probably was wanting me to respond 'no' to him moving out and me asking where he would go obviously meant I was considering it.

OP posts:
AliceInSandwichLand · 30/05/2015 10:13

Anyone this volatile and unstable is not going to be any help at all when you are struggling with a newborn. Having a newborn is hard on any relationship, let alone a dysfunctional situation like this. If I were your relative I would be only too pleased to pay someone to help you move out of his house and into a space of your own ASAP, as obviously you are too pregnant to do it yourself. Might a relative help you?

Hissy · 30/05/2015 10:22

Remember men abuse through inferiority and insecurity, not power. They roar and bluster because they think this is the only way to get what they need.

The things they hurl at us are the things that most hurt them, they are literally saying the worst things THEY can think of.

Keep your head down, and move out asap, with or without his help. And make sure he knows that child payments WILL be expected and pursued, whether or not he can be bothered being a father or not.

Hissy · 30/05/2015 10:27

You need to speak to your midwife team, both about the emotional abuse and the support you are going to need post c section.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 30/05/2015 10:29

Having just moved in and him mentioning signing something saying he can't ask you to leave is so unhealthy and not what a loving relationship is about. I wish you had said yes to him going although I understand it's hard.

Original poster
feelingfretful · 30/05/2015 10:33

I am really thinking about saying to him yes, move out and give me until end of August, then I will move on to my own place. I somehow get the feeling he will change his mind though if I suddenly said yes to that

OP posts:
AnyRailway · 30/05/2015 10:47

I really think you need to get out now. As you have started the freedom programme online, you will know (in your head at least) that this is the hearts and flowers stage, just part of the cycle of abuse.

This abuse is escalating quite fast, and I am really worried about you being at risk with your tiny baby.

Please speak to your midwife, and call women's aid today.

Hissy · 30/05/2015 10:48

You need to take charge of your life here, asking him to leave then relies on him keeping his word. Which of course he won't, just because he wants to fuck with your head.

AnyRailway · 30/05/2015 11:04

Yes. You are very vulnerable if you stay in his house.

You know this is an abusive situation, so please take steps to protect yourself and your baby.

If you don't act now, you may find that social services will one day be wondering why you didn't take more care to protect your baby.

Your job is to put safe walls around yourself and your child

Nolim · 30/05/2015 11:04

I am really thinking about saying to him yes, move out and give me until end of August, then I will move on to my own place. I somehow get the feeling he will change his mind though if I suddenly said yes to that

You can bet he will change his mind. He changes his mind every 12 hours ffs.

bunchoffives · 30/05/2015 11:48

Your plans should not depend on him doing anything.

As soon as you are in his power he will be abusive.

Do NOT return from birth and C section to him thinking he will help. He will not. He will abuse you. It will truly be hell.

Find somewhere else to live before the baby is born. Ask anyone else to stay with you for a few days after coming home after birth (ask a few friends/rellies to do a few days each).

You need to really take this seriously. He shows every sign of a classic abuser. He will get much worse.

SylvaniansAtEase · 30/05/2015 12:05

Yes, you are right, if you did ask him to move out he would probably fly into a rage and start abusing and frightening you again.

Listen carefully. You and your baby are currently AT RISK.

This guy is violent, unpredictable, abusive and - as you say - quite frankly fucking nuts.

You need to GET OUT.

If you want an analysis of his current unexpectedly nice behaviour, here it is. Now that you are here, he does not want you to move out, as (as you said upthread) he realises that there is a difference between you never moving in and him having his pregnant partner move in only to move out in tears a week later. He does not want to look like a monster, and therefore as he now realises you are actually probably going to go, he has turned on super-charm. It means nothing; his only concern is for himself - as soon as you back down and stay, he will go back to normal (NORMAL - this is what he is like) and will start terrorising you again.

If you think moving again is hard now, it is NOTHING compared to being bed-bound with a baby and at the mercy of this monster.

Get OUT now before you get any more pregnant, even if it is to stay with family. Please. Or I honestly think that the most likely outcome is you and the baby on the SS radar, or worse.

He is not sane. You are not safe.

tribpot · 30/05/2015 12:14

You slapped him with a bill for 2 grand and now he wants to play nicey-nice? Do you spot any kind of coincidence here?

He won't move out. He'll say he will, so you cancel your plans, and then at the last minute he will engineer a situation in which he will be 'in the right' and will say that you clearly can't be trusted with his property and he refuses to go.

Take the escape route whilst the door is open.

yearofthegoat · 30/05/2015 12:28

Please get out while you can and don't believe a word he says. And remember not to give your precious baby this man's name. Go by yourself to the Register Office.

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