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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just moved in - last two mornings crying

290 replies

feelingfretful · 27/05/2015 09:12

I moved in with my DP four days ago. We are expecting our first baby in 9 weeks time. He has always been a twitchy sleeper so sleeping together was never great, however thought just have to get on with it with baby on the way.

Night before last we were both awake a lot in the night, tossing and turning, and seemed every time I dropped off he moved and I woke up again. He was moody the next morning and I started crying so he comforted me and all was okay. I explained I am really uncomfortable being 31 weeks pregnant and feel like the size of a house, and I can't help moving around. Last night we went to bed and I lay there awake as he dropped off and literally every 5 seconds (I counted) he shuffled/wriggled - he was asleep whilst doing this. After 10 minutes it was still going on so I let out a big huff. He woke up, got cross and moved to the other room despite me telling him not to.

This morning I came downstairs and again am greeted with a face like thunder. He then starts having a go at me for kicking him out his own bed (which I didn't) and says he is going to move into the spare room with his bed and I can have my bed in his room. He started going on 'you have been here 4 days and kicked me out my room and my bed... I can't sleep... I have to go to work... you can sleep in the day etc'. I told him to stop being nasty to me and he said I was the nasty one for making a noise at him for moving. He left for work with me sitting there with tears streaming down my face. Yes I know I am hormonal and pregnant but I just want to leave.

[Message from MNHQ: Please note this thread was started in 2015 but the OP has come back to update it all these years later - see her update of 25 June 2023]

OP posts:
Cancookdontcook · 04/06/2015 15:01

I have felt from the start of this thread that op will not leave. 10 pages in, people are still telling her to leave but her recent post says she doesn't want to and he is 'great' most of the time anyway.

IonaNE · 04/06/2015 15:26

What Cantcookdontcook says (sad though it is).
OP, you were told 4 days after moving into the "nice big house" that you are not wanted there. Feeling comfy in the lovely bedroom equals putting your head into the sand.

DaysAreWhereWeLive · 04/06/2015 15:34

OP, I admit it will be scary to come home from hospital alone with a new baby.

But it will be far, far worse to come home, sleep deprived, to a man who won't help, who strops about like a teenager, whose intent is to make you cry Confused, who has you all over the place emotionally.

Your focus is going to be the baby, and he is not going to take kindly to that.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 04/06/2015 15:36

At 32 weeks' gone you should be looking forward to the nesting phase, feeling loved up and full of happy anticipation. Not this.

Hissy · 04/06/2015 15:56

I spent 3 years like this. Just because people can't jump because they are not ready, doesn't mean the advice is any different.

Or are we supposed to qualify threads and shrug and give up on them if they don't look likely enough to do what we tell them to do, WHEN we tell them to do it. Hmm

feelingfretful moved in with this guy a week ago yesterday. let's keep this in perspective, shall we?

yes she needs to move, and yes she HAS got somewhere to go, but leaving, with stuff to move and organise when she has lived as she has done with this tinpot general pissing about with her head, all the while worrying about how she is going to cope with C-section etc and it's easy to be paralysed with fear. So stop writing her off eh? support her please, don't dismiss her.

feelingfretful As bad as things are now love, it WILL be worse when you have given birth, because you will be additionally vulnerable, and he will capitalise on this, they always do. please call your Midwife and talk to her, tell her you are intending to move and that you need to and ask for support. Please do this?

rumbleinthrjungle · 04/06/2015 17:10

This man has made pretty clear he doesn't want you here love. He's told you straight out, he's offered to pay for you to leave on the grounds you never contact him again. The bedroom you really like is his and he's given it up to you (at the moment). If he wanted to get you out - I suspect he'd have everything on his side, law included. And as a PP said, if he chooses not to let you in when you get back from the hospital, you have no come back there either. You've been living together only a few days, this isn't as if you've been married for years and it's a huge struggle to get the courage to leave. I think the bottom line is you don't want to go, and are hoping you can manage it so he won't force you to.

You're feeling anything is better than being alone - and if you sit tight maybe things might turn out the way you want. That is very understandable, but it's not sensible. I have a nasty feeling this is going to be a long and very sad thread. Sad

tipsytrifle · 04/06/2015 18:53

I agree totally with posters who urge you to go. Just realised that in some sense your hormonal urge to "bed down" and nest may have taken over. So dear fretful you should try and over-ride your hormones right now and make a new nest. Not easy but do-able. You shouldn't really take over someone else's nest and hope that the nest-owner will take care of you. But you probably have and will.

Original poster
feelingfretful · 04/06/2015 19:47

Thanks hissy

I am still going ahead with moving but I am in no rush right now. I will get the keys and it needs painting and stuff so that will be next. In the meantime he is being nice and I am enjoying him being nice. He is not a monster - yes I realise I have only given the bad side of him on here but clearly there is another side of him or else I wouldn't have stayed with him. I know it won't be long til he blows again though

OP posts:
Offred · 04/06/2015 20:00

No, they never are monsters otherwise why would anyone stay? I hope you do move before the birth. It will be so much harder after the baby is born.

OurGlass · 04/06/2015 20:19

You won't leave and you will put up with this abuse for many years to come which is very sad but very common. I wish you (and the precious baby) all the best, though.

Joysmum · 04/06/2015 20:23

They are nice enough to make you stay, that's not the same as being nice Sad

DollyTwat · 04/06/2015 22:52

Op I wish I'd left my abusive ex when I was pregnant. Just got up and left, but it's so much harder with a baby. My eldest is, without a shadow of a doubt, affected by the 3 years spent in a house with shouting and abuse.
My youngest (yes I had another) is a completely different person, I kicked ex out when he was 6 months

You will never regret walking out whilst the baby is safely inside you

Hissy · 05/06/2015 07:46

Glad to hear it love, I know you can do this, you have to, before the baby comes. You will get help from the midwife and hv, you won't be the first in this situation, pregnancy often brings out the abusers...

Oh and people that are being nice Aren't NICE,

I spent 3 years begging my ex to be nice, cried, pleaded, put my case. It makes it worse, as it shows them they are winning, they do MORE to upset you. They WANT us to be miserable.

Trust me, every abuser is more or less the same, they aren't original, they are pathetic. They are write offs as humans.

But they can't be nasty all the time, they go through the enormous effort (for them) to 'be nice' just enough to get their victim back where they need them.

Hissy · 05/06/2015 07:48

I've know. Hundreds of ex abuse victims, NOT ONE has ever regretted leaving or ending the relationship.

They may wobble initially through fear, but when they look at life and how much better it feels being safe and free, they see that it's always better to stay out.

SouthWestmom · 05/06/2015 09:10

Surely he is being nice only because he has had a reprieve? He thinks you're going so can relax. If he knew you were planning on hanging in there I think he would quickly revert.
Both your lives are on hold at the moment and you owe the baby a decent start now Plan A has gone wrong.

IonaNE · 06/06/2015 09:37

feelingfretful: I am in no rush right now
I would think you need to get out today. However, OP, I also wish you and the baby the best.

bunchoffives · 06/06/2015 10:23

If you return to his flat with the baby he will quickly panic. He will capitalise on the fact that you will be more vulnerable and get nastier than ever.

He will use the baby to get at you. He will threaten to fight for equal custody of the baby. He will grab the baby and say he will go out with it against your wishes. It WILL be fucking awful.

We all know. Because we have been there. Abusers differ very little from each other. They want power. And they want control. And they don't give a fuck who they flatten to get it.

You are not safe in that bedroom. If you stay you will hate that bedroom in time.

WyrdByrd · 06/06/2015 12:27

Have just read your thread this morning at speed so mostly just OP's bits - so sorry if a lot of this has already been said.

However hard it is for you to leave now whilst heavily pregnant it will be a million times harder once baby is here. For your and their peace and wellbeing I would strongly encourage you to leave asap.

Secondly, please confide in someone in RL. You don't have to make a big thing of it, and don't worry about them saying/thinking 'I told you so'. Those that love and care about you will have seen this coming for a long time and be nothing be relieved and happy to help you out as much as they are able to.

Thirdly, re your C-section. They are major surgery, they are not fun, but they are equally not the end of the world, particularly if planned rather than EMCS. You are right to consider how you will cope afterwards, but coping on your own will likely be no harder than coping with an abusive partner to factor into the situation. Perhaps get some recommendations about slings that you could use so you can get out and about from the place you plan to move to if you need/want to, although tbh you might not feel like it anyway. FWIW I had an EMCS and was driving after 4 weeks with the agreement of my insurance company, so you may not have to wait 6 weeks to drive.

18yearsoftrying · 06/06/2015 12:55

Are you addicted to him?

What advice would you give your child if s/he was in this situation?

Hissy · 06/06/2015 13:09

I kno what you are trying to say 18years, but I'm going to challenge the addicted comment as it implies some Kind of complicity in the situation, ie that the victim dosed herself with a toxic substance and now can't get off it.

The situation here is of being targeted by an abusive character, and gradually, purposefully and calculatingly worn down until there is nothing left of the sparky, fun, happy, gregarious individual, then the contemptuous and cruel treatment starts when the victim is utterly isolated and dependant on their abuser. The victim has no part to play in their capture.

Sadly the victim has chinks in their personal armour, usually from childhood insecurities where they have learned that they have to please people at all costs, especially at their own. Their needs having been put to the very bottom of the list at all times.

Hissy · 06/06/2015 13:20

It's brainwashing, it's water torture, it's the frog in water being brought to the boil, victims do nothing to deserve or cause the abuse they suffer, but they CAN do something about it, they can find the power and strength to put the fear to one side and make a choice not to be in the situation any more.

Anyone can end any relationship anytime they like, being unhappy is enough of a reason.

IonaNE · 06/06/2015 15:07

This guy won't fight for equal custody. He does not want either OP or the baby: re. OP he has said so; re. the baby he has demanded a paternity test. My prediction is that if the OP stays with him and returns to him from the hospital, he will be fed up very quickly with the newborn and will demand that they leave. And I suspect that will be much harder than leaving now.

tipsytrifle · 06/06/2015 15:49

I agree with you on the likely outcome IonaNE. With the added possibility, as someone said way back, that he might have the locks changed and access denied on her release from hospital. With the added bonus that all her stuff will be locked inside while she's stuck outside. Sorry, OP but that's how it looks to me. I hope I'm wrong.

Offred · 06/06/2015 15:51

Not actually wanting the child does not mean an abuser won't use courts to continue abuse. My ex certainly never wanted my DC and it didn't stop all the legal proceedings (court and mediation) lasting 3 years.

Offred · 06/06/2015 15:52

He just didn't want other people to know he didn't want them.

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