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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just moved in - last two mornings crying

290 replies

feelingfretful · 27/05/2015 09:12

I moved in with my DP four days ago. We are expecting our first baby in 9 weeks time. He has always been a twitchy sleeper so sleeping together was never great, however thought just have to get on with it with baby on the way.

Night before last we were both awake a lot in the night, tossing and turning, and seemed every time I dropped off he moved and I woke up again. He was moody the next morning and I started crying so he comforted me and all was okay. I explained I am really uncomfortable being 31 weeks pregnant and feel like the size of a house, and I can't help moving around. Last night we went to bed and I lay there awake as he dropped off and literally every 5 seconds (I counted) he shuffled/wriggled - he was asleep whilst doing this. After 10 minutes it was still going on so I let out a big huff. He woke up, got cross and moved to the other room despite me telling him not to.

This morning I came downstairs and again am greeted with a face like thunder. He then starts having a go at me for kicking him out his own bed (which I didn't) and says he is going to move into the spare room with his bed and I can have my bed in his room. He started going on 'you have been here 4 days and kicked me out my room and my bed... I can't sleep... I have to go to work... you can sleep in the day etc'. I told him to stop being nasty to me and he said I was the nasty one for making a noise at him for moving. He left for work with me sitting there with tears streaming down my face. Yes I know I am hormonal and pregnant but I just want to leave.

[Message from MNHQ: Please note this thread was started in 2015 but the OP has come back to update it all these years later - see her update of 25 June 2023]

OP posts:
twistletonsmythe · 30/05/2015 12:50

you mustn't stay there - he will just continue playing these mind games with you yet you will have a newborn too. It will be much harder to move later - do it now - asap. His sorrys are worthless - he shouldn't need to be apologising for anything. Sorry doesn't take back all he has said and done.

DustBunnyFarmer · 30/05/2015 12:55

I agree with posters who are saying you need to move before the baby arrives. You are no doubt tired and uncomfortable now at 30 weeks, but it will be so much harder with a tiny baby. Please don't delay hoping for the best.

StaceyAndTracey · 30/05/2015 14:27

I think you plan to stay until the " you are fully recovered from your section " aftre 6 weeks is a bad one .

For all the reasons other posters have said . You need to know that nothing Magic happens 6 weeks aftre a major op - you won't wake up that day and feel back to normal . I'm sorry to have to tell you that you won't feel nearly as good physically as you do today .

You will be up several times during the night with the baby . You might still be bleeding . You shouldnt be lifting anything heavier than you baby - so you won't be packing and lifting furniture

You will be very tried and emotional . Your hormones will be all over the place . It's a struggle for most new mums, even those with supportive partners .

I'm sorry if this sounds depressing , but I'm trying to be realistic .

DustBunnyFarmer · 30/05/2015 14:37

I've had 2 sections. Stacey is right - you don't magically feel terrific at 6 weeks, at least not IME. Please don't delay this much needed move in the hope of a "better" time to do it. Now is good enough. Trust those of us with baby/c-section experience under our belts.

CalleighDoodle · 30/05/2015 15:09

He hasnt let his guard down, the mr nice guy is part of the act. Abusive men flit from nice to cunt to make you stay for the good. It is like the script of an abuser.

You need to go now. Leaving it any longer will make you more vulnerable and less capable.

rumbleinthrjungle · 30/05/2015 15:10

OP what are you hoping will happen?

From what I'm understanding, you moved into this man's house at his invitation last Sunday. By Wednesday you and he were both miserable and realising it was a mistake, and he has at least once asked you to leave.

I know you're expecting his baby, and you're 31weeks along, but giving up his home to you and moving out after you've been there less than a week and both know living together isn't going to work out is asking a lot - it would be a very large and generous gesture to take the rap and inconvenience for you and his child and from your descriptions he doesn't sound like that kind of a guy at all. At the moment I don't know if you'd have any kind of claim to stay if he doesn't want you there, but if he gives up his house to you and his child until six weeks post birth, I can see he would be putting himself in a vulnerable position when he wanted his house back, particularly if at that point you have to say no, you're not well enough or not ready. I cant think many people would advise him to consider it.

So the best you can be hoping for is that the two of you somehow rub along together in the house for the next four to five months, both miserable, neither of you wanting to be there or be together, and you're going to be bringing a baby home to this. You've explained in your posts that he has repeatedly shown and told you he is not interested in being supportive or a partner to you in the six days you've been living together (four of which have been unwillingly), he is not interested in being a father to this child, the fact he agreed to pay for you to leave and has now abruptly changed his tune having realised it would set him back 2k, makes him scarier still.

I get that you are very tired and scared but honey, you need to unfreeze and follow the advice here on various ways to get yourself out of this house. Not cling to thinking maybe you'll look at your options in a few days if things don't improve, not thinking maybe you'll think about it tomorrow if he's mean again/mean enough, you need to let that forlorn hope go because he is not going to turn into the man you really need to be with you right now. He is repeatedly showing you who he is, and you can't fix this. If you sit tight it won't go away and I'm so, so sorry that it won't because this must be beyond horrible for you, but your situation is going to get worse, not better. Just leave your stuff if need be, you and he can sort that out later. It can't be any good for you or your baby to be sitting in this stress.

Atenco · 30/05/2015 15:25

However, now I have a baby to think about and there is no way I will let him make me anxious, stressed and depressed for my baby

You are so right here, OP. Both you and the baby deserve to be safe with any aggro.

My dd's partner picked up their small baby and started shouting at her. She managed to kick him out, but the baby absorbed his anger, you could hear it in her crying, and it was two weeks before she settled down again. It breaks my heart to think of babies in these situations.

tipsytrifle · 30/05/2015 16:15

I'm in total agreement with rumble. You moved in thinking that he would look after you after the c-section. I think that was fantasy-glasses on because (understandably) that's how you wished it to be. He told you from the start this wasn't so.

You're very much in his space and if you stay, he may or may not move out but he certainly won't be looking after you in any meaningful way. I think you need to accept that the dream was a total illusion.

Please take up that offer of a place to stay, maybe even call home for awhile. You won't get better on the open rental market, from WA or anywhere else. There will be after care so you really won't be as on your own as you fear. Someone earlier suggested you might be able to stay in hospital a bit longer too? That's worth a serious thought.

IonaNE · 30/05/2015 19:16

OP, please listen to what people are saying and go. Now.

Zucker · 30/05/2015 21:23

You cannot trust a single word coming out of this mans mouth feeling. Just count back on this thread alone how many times he has changed his mind and the options he is allowing you to have.

Come on, you said it your self he is unpredictable. What happens if you stay and you come home and on day 2 with a new born he wants you out there and then?

Please go with the plan for getting out now.

This guy has all the hallmarks of someone that could go nuclear with an equally unpredictable newborn on the scene.

Original poster
feelingfretful · 31/05/2015 07:17

You know what I have noticed, is that he is horrible to me until I cry, once I cry his demeanor changes and he cuddles me and starts soothing and making things better. It had crossed my mind before that he seemed to want to push me to to tears... but definately the last few days have proved this to be right.

OP posts:
IDismyname · 31/05/2015 07:43

This man is messing with your head. Please take the advice of other posters, and get out of the place you're in.

Neither you or the baby will thrive. You'll need love and support after the birth, not a load of sh*te that you're currently having. And it will get worse.

Keep posting, as loads of Mnetters have oodles of good advice.

Oh, and ((((((hugs)))))).

tribpot · 31/05/2015 08:37

Even if you could bear to live like that (crying to get him to stop being nasty) I fear it would have a diminishing effect, until you're left being told 'you never stop crying / you're depressed / I think they're crocodile tears' etc.

DustBunnyFarmer · 31/05/2015 08:43

I'm a bit perplexed, OP. You seem to have really good insight into your partner's unreasonable behaviour, so why waver? Seems like triumph of hope over lived experience. I really think this is one of those situations when you need to put your head in charge and ignore your heart. This abuse will not improve with the arrival of your baby.

KeepOnTryingTilYouRunOutOfCake · 31/05/2015 08:48

stick to the plan and get out of there. good luck.

twistletonsmythe · 31/05/2015 09:05

No I don't understand it either - he is never going to change. Why stick around to find out. You are just giving him more opportunities to abuse you. What happens when you are worn out with a newborn post surgery and he starts then - because he will. And you will be so much more vulnerable than you are now.

Vivacia · 31/05/2015 10:30

I think she's trying to make sense of what she observes, what she feels etc. It takes a while to spot that patterns of behaviour are patterns.

SylvaniansAtEase · 31/05/2015 11:52

Well yes, of course. He likes hurting you. He likes seeing the tears - they give him a momentary thrill of power. He's an abuser and a bully - isn't it obvious?

Once again, LEAVE. Or do you want to wait and see whether he decides he likes hurting your baby too?

rumbleinthrjungle · 31/05/2015 11:55

What are you going to do with that insight feeling ?

Atenco · 31/05/2015 12:29

That sounds sadistic, OP. All the more reason to get out of there and to keep your baby away from him.

quietbatperson · 31/05/2015 13:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SouthWestmom · 31/05/2015 13:52

Op you need to get into a good place for the baby, physically and emotionally. This relationship , you've said I think, continued because you fell pregnant. It's not going to work out trying to be together - he clearly hates having you in his space, and feels trapped having tried to do the 'right thing'.
Move out and focus on making a good start for the baby. Room ready, rent paid, local Gp and health centre found - all that stuff. Make a plan!

evelynj · 31/05/2015 15:32

So sorry you're having a shitty time OP. Do you need him financially or could you walk away with baby ing that were possible?

I think this has been a real eye opener & I wouldn't want to be there with a newborn. I'd move now & then it's done. The emotions never mind practicalities of living with an arse will have you all over the place. Good luck

Original poster
feelingfretful · 31/05/2015 17:50

I would be able to manage fine financially on my own. I do worry about emotionally and physically after a c-section.

He has a grown up daughter and she came over this afternoon and we have all been out. She is so lovely and was talking and laughing of memories of growing up and when she stayed with him (she lived with her mum). So I know he can be a good day. Just a really, really, really shit partner

Thank god its Monday tomorrow and he goes to work so I get peace and quiet to get on with my planning :)

OP posts:
Atenco · 31/05/2015 17:53

Well you can still get child support without putting him on the birth cert. I personally choose not to put my abusive ex on my dd's birth cert even though where I live it means you cannot claim child support, but I had to avoid giving him any weapons to further cause me problems. As it turned out I never had cause to refuse him access to his daughter and they have a good relationship.

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