BF; Treats me beautifully but doesn't 'do' emotions or emotional talk

[goodcompany2]

He's been a great work friend for years, then a stop start casual date for a few months then a 'proper' out in the open boyfriend for 9 months. He treats me respectfully, thoughtfully, kind and is very affectionate. Our sex life is the best ever and we both have been around the block a few times so know a good thing when we find it. There shouldn't be any problems, we don't argue, respect personal space, share expenses, have same sense of humour and personal values. Yet I am driving myself nuts with wondering how to cope with his lack of verbal emotions.

I fessed up to being smitten after a few months and then to loving him a few months back. He has been honest from start & reckons he's never been in love (has ex wife/GF's and kids) so he doesn't say it back. If pushed/cornered he will say stuff like what would you prefer someone who treats you 'like a princess' or someone who just says it? He's right I feel cherished on a daily basis but want to have conversation about 'us', the future, hopes and ambitions etc but he lives for the moment and avoids such talk politely or just resorts to joking.

Think I need to get some perspective please.

Harsh.

I'm an intelligent woman looking for a theory that fits the evidence. EA didn't fit, neither did sociopathy. 'Emotionally distant' seemed to but it was a poor fit. Having done some research this is a better fit. Doesn't change my difficulties but may help explain their etiology.

Wasn't looking for validation, just updating. It may be of some interest to those who identified with some of my earlier posts and their own SO.

OP, I don't have any experience with aspergers in love, but remember reading a book The Rosie Project which is about this topic. There is a second book too.

It comes with a huge health warning in that it is chic lit so cannot be taken it too seriously! But in the interests of research ...

So if Aspergers explains his lack of emotions does it explains his cheating too?

Better watch out then!

I'm sure you will eventually find a 'label', maybe even a bespoke one. In the meantime, he will continue not giving you what you want and you will continue making excuses and finding reasons for that. I'm sure you are an intelligent woman but this is not intelligence, this is desperation.

I'm sorry if you think I'm harsh. I'm a woman's woman and do not like seeing women tying themselves up in knots over a man (or woman) who isn't deserving of it. Here's the rub... if they were, there would be no knots or they'd be helping you untie them. He's not doing that and he's had long enough to determine that you're worth it. He obviously doesn't think so.

My last bit of advice though, pick a date sometime in the foreseeable future where you'll be honest enough with yourself to walk away if you don't progress this relationship. I really do wish you well and I'm going to leave it there now because I don't want to upset you.

Thank you for that, I genuinely appreciate you taking the time to post and for helping. Not upset at all, occasionally frustrated and confused, but I like the person I am with him. He's brings out the best in me and is immeasurably kind, thoughtful and patient. Wasn't looking for a relationship, been actively avoiding one for years, but our work friendship just naturally and slowly morphed into a romantic one.

Relationship doesn't need to progress as it is already solid; in deeds not words. Just needed to understand his previously incomprehensible conversations. Now I have an insight and it makes sense. x

So you've diagnosed him via Dr. Google and that's the solution to all of your problems and you're gonna live happily ever after?

I wouldn't throw away something with so many positives either, OP. Not until the negatives outweighed them. And only you will know if/when that happens for you.

It seems it's all about obligation for him - being the man his dad told him to be, marrying the girlfriend who was pregnant, clearing up your urine (bless him ). If it had been his girlfriend in the crash he would have married her whether or not he wanted to.

Before you chuck it in I'm not sure you should be avoiding difficult conversations. Maybe try and gently get him to open up about his parents and chilhood and probe for his feelings using your multiple choice answers as a prompt to begin with.

I also wondering how he will cope when his parents die as he seems lovely but very repressed.

It sounds like you're trying to convince yourself that he does love you really he just has an ism.

It's impossible to tell from a description on the net, but the details that you've listed here don't immediately indicate ASD spectrum.

As you know ASD spectrum implies problems not only with communication and social interaction, but also awareness of other people's feelings, issues with empathy, restricted interests, repetitive behaviour and thought patterns, fixation on routine, problems with touch due to over-sensitivity to sensory stimulae.

Yet you say he's very affectionate, cuddling, stroking you, maintaining a lot of physical contact, buys you presents, makes you feel 'cherished' etc, is a great friend - putting himself out for friends, colleagues, family - all of which shows an awareness and consideration of other people's feelings, no problem with empathy, and no problem with touch in general and sexual contact in particular.

ASD types tend to feel overwhelmed by sensory information rather than the 'underwhelmed' as you describe his reactions.

If ASD types tend to have difficulty verbalising feelings, he's actually been very clear how he feels about you: affection and fondness but not love.

I'm not saying he's not ASD, I'm not qualified to make that judgement, and if I were, I certainly wouldn't attempt it over the net with regard to a person I've never met.

When you describe him as being from a buttoned up family and as being emotionally constipated, that does all make sense and at least fits with all the details. From what you've written here it sounds more like an emotional disorder than a neurodevelopmental one.

But as I say, I'm not qualified to make that judgement. In your situation I think I would try and accept how he says he feels about you, and ask him what that means in the long term for you. How does he see your relationship? Does he see it lasting etc?

Honestly, I'd let this lie. His position is as valid as yours - and it's not uncommon. Lots of men are uncomfortable about expressing emotions. (And some of the most 'lovey-dovey' are cheating scumbags on the side.)

Yes - on this subject, you are opposites. But it doesn't affect the way he treats you. Sounds as if he is a loving and considerate partner - whatever he would call it.

The only thing he doesn't do is talk about the long-term future. That's actually quite rational. There's no immediate decision to be made regarding living together. Neither of you knows what the future will bring. Talk is cheap. There are enough stories on this board about partners who promised the earth, and then everything turned to dust.

It's early days. Time will tell. I'm just afraid you're going to ruin what looks like a v good thing by forcing this issue. It's in danger of becoming a bit of a power struggle. Suppose he capitulated and said the magic words, wouldn't you be second-guessing whether he really meant them, or was just saying them to stop you going on about it?

Thanks posters. I only posted about the relationship stuff. His sensory stuff I omitted, his social stuff, hobbies, interests, routines etc as tbey previously seemed unrelated, the living in present & disinterest in past & present. Lots of stuff I haven't shared. Will enjoy his good characteristics & keep vigilant for negatives. All any of us can do ever. Have tried to be my usual, happy go lucky self around him this week but my questioning of him has had negative effect. He's been trying hard but I can see how much my doubts have knocked him. He is covering well but damage done. Feel bad that I upset my favourite person albeit unintentionally.

You have every right to know what you're involved in. If he says he's not in love with you, fine, you need to know how he sees this relationship - short term, long term, committed. Is he happy to do a ltr without love? Is this a ltr or is it right for right now? Is he hoping to fall in love at some point?

You have every right to discuss the future and ask how he sees the next few years panning out.

If he still refuses to discuss it I would tread very carefully.

I don't agree with women not asking questions so as not to rock the boat or 'ruin a good thing'.

If he's not committed it's better than it's 'ruined' now, than he breaks your heart in a couple of years by buggering off with an 'oh but I said I loved you or said we had a future'.

^^ should say 'oh but I never said I loved you or we had a future'

Good I'm married with someone with AS and from what you are saying and your own experience, it looks like AS is a possibility for him.

What I will say is that is actually really good that you have realised the possibility of AS so early on in your relationship.
It's also good that you have noticed all the other traits you highlighted in your last post.
I didn't and it caused a hell of a lot of hurt for both of us, much more than what your doubts have done atm.

My take on that is that, if you are happy to live with all his 'quirks' then all will be good.
If one/some of them are a reall issue, I would encourage you to ask yurself if you can really love wo any verbal affection and if all the little things he does for you are enough.
I would also encourage you to ask yourself if you would cope if/when he will stop all these little gestures.
At some point, that sort of things change. Once out of the 'honey moon' phase, sometimes when dcs arrive or you get married, it's the stress of life or the feeling of being 'settled' and not needed to make as much effort that takes over. Expect all these little things to get less and less. Then ask yourself you could still living with that. (Note: even if/when these little gestures come less and less it still won't mean that he doesn't love you!)

My own take on that is that the hardest thing for me is the lack of emotional talk/meaningful hugs from DH. All the rest is 'easy' to accomodate iyswim.

Again thanks. We are past the having kids stages thankfully & we keep our family activities mostly separate. Suits me, I don't like my kids getting too attached to a bf. Even though he's been the only 1 in seven years they've met! Lol. Luckily we have shared a (small) office for 2.5 years already then dated for a year consecutively. We have also had the nice gestures even as colleagues & they haven't tailed off miraculously. Guess they may diminish in time but I don't accept it's inevitable. Our night out last night was awesome & hilariously entertaining. He got my tastes spot on as usual.
Going into this with eyes wide open. Know emotional sharing is not something he can offer me, however he can offer me more or less everything else that I need & want. I have great friends for the emotional stuff luckily. Our expectations that one person can offer us everything is often unrealistic in my own very personal opinion.
Feeling at peace with whole thing & lucky that I didn't blow it through ignorance. I think he is a gem, flawed like me, but a gem nonetheless. He thinks I'm an emotional loon given to inexplicable highs and lows & irrational self analysis when I should just be enjoying the moment I'm in instead of trying to forsee the future! And still he puts up with me! We're just different, he's just more tolerant of mine than I have been of his.

Caveat before posting; this is a ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE 2015 thread

I'm going through something similar to this. How did it pan out goodcompany2 ?

I didn’t see your thread the first time around. Would love to hear if it all worked out for you?

omg zombie! haha I was really getting into this thread and didn't read the date!

He sounds like a wonderful partner. We never said I love you in my family when I was growing up and I’ve realized it’s bandied round and people just say it. I love my mother to death and her me but she’s never said it and neither have I. Sounds strange but true! My husband didn’t say it much at the beginning of our relationship but 12 years on the feelings are deep and we feel It more he now says it more. This man’s actions speak so much more than saying what he thinks you want to hear. Yes he might have some issues from childhood like his dad getting him to ‘be a man’. Stick with him, relax and I have a feeling that as your relationship progresses he will be in love for the first time!

Sorry I meant some people say I love you all the time and it sometimes doesn’t meant anything

@goodcompany2 if you're still around. How about an update?

It all depends on your wants and needs.

I am not looking for a relationship right now but due to suffering from complex PTSD when I do decide to go for a relationship it will have to fulfil all of my needs.
He will need to treat me beautifully and to be able to communicate and show emotion. It will be a dealbreaker if not because I need it.

It's also important to think about the future if you were to go through any bad patch, how will you get through that with a man who can't discuss feelings and emotions? how can you fight for the relationship together? how can you deal with things that are bothering each other before they get out of hand and destroy the relationship?

The guy that I was seeing a few years ago before getting back with my nobhead ex was similar to this. The way he treated me caused me to believe he loved me; He would pack me lunch for journey home from his, hold my hand, alwyas put my comfort before his. I remember once he was driving along a main road into a city when the traffic lights quickly changed to red. He braked fairly sharply but not before outting his arm across my chest to protect me from jolting. I remember thinking what a lovely man. His behaviour towards me was amazing and made me feel so cared for. I told him a few months in that I think I might be falling in love with him (after too many vinos) and he stated rather uncomfortably that he wasn't quite there yet. Tbh, I think the reason I'd said it was because I was sure he loved me based on his behaviour. Turns out not.

He has never felt love even though he has children??

I'd be running a mile based on that alone. You must not have kids otherwise it would be obvious how scary that statement is and what that truly says about his character.

Sounds like something pathological and you're not a trained psychiatrist there to fix him. If you are tempted to stay, make sure you speak to his ex wife confidentially to hear her side of the story directly from her. No one will know him better than her and your eyes will be opened.

OP sorry to say, you sound lovely but you also sound like exactly the sort of woman an abusive or emotionally stunted man would target. Most women would not even entertain staying with a man coming out with he sort of chilling things this guy is saying. Someone who's incapable of love is just not normal and would not capable of having a proper healthy long term relationship, no matter how good this honeymoon period is now. You sound very naive, please be careful.