BF; Treats me beautifully but doesn't 'do' emotions or emotional talk

[goodcompany2]

He's been a great work friend for years, then a stop start casual date for a few months then a 'proper' out in the open boyfriend for 9 months. He treats me respectfully, thoughtfully, kind and is very affectionate. Our sex life is the best ever and we both have been around the block a few times so know a good thing when we find it. There shouldn't be any problems, we don't argue, respect personal space, share expenses, have same sense of humour and personal values. Yet I am driving myself nuts with wondering how to cope with his lack of verbal emotions.

I fessed up to being smitten after a few months and then to loving him a few months back. He has been honest from start & reckons he's never been in love (has ex wife/GF's and kids) so he doesn't say it back. If pushed/cornered he will say stuff like what would you prefer someone who treats you 'like a princess' or someone who just says it? He's right I feel cherished on a daily basis but want to have conversation about 'us', the future, hopes and ambitions etc but he lives for the moment and avoids such talk politely or just resorts to joking.

Think I need to get some perspective please.

Oh and PSA before you give me DV 101: women who are unhappy in relationships or are not getting what they need have every right to leave. Nobody should ever feel obligated to stay in a relationship out of pity or any other negative emotion. But that does not mean the partner they leave is (necessarily) an abuser.

apple - yes that response to childhood abuse often results in controlling and selfish behaviour towards other people...

and no-one is 'making him abusive'. I felt his behaviour was controlling and selfish before it was mentioned he might have had a repressed childhood.

I've not even said he is abusive FFS, I've said the behaviour makes him seem to me like a controlling selfish and likely insecure man who feels entitled to pass on his suffering to the women he has been in relationships with rather than deal with it. I really don't think that is a radical POV based on the description.

I've said it may indicate that he is an abuser... which he may be, given the behaviour described...

OP a lot of misogynists behave as though they prefer women tbh. From what you've said I wouldn't go so far as saying it indicates misogyny tbh. I think very few people actually HATE women but a number of men see women as lesser and believe they are entitled to treat them as such. A number of those men would be utterly shocked at the implication that that is the case and believe in gender equality etc but actually suffer from an ingrained attitude that they are not necessarily aware of.

I don't think he sounds manipulative. If he wanted to manipulate you, you'd have already handed him the trump card of "Three Little Words", and he'd have played it, along with a heartfelt story about how you'd opened his wounded heart blah blah.

I think he sounds damaged and afraid of strong feelings that would (in his mind) leave him unacceptably vulnerable.

He doesn't sound like long-term partner material. Unless he suddenly decides to have counselling (which would be a massive decision to make at his age and especially having what sounds like a very repressed upbringing) he may well never want to have another live-in relationship or marriage.

If you are happy with the relationship you have now, I would carry it on, resigned to not ever hearing "I love you", but being treated in a loving way.

If you eventually want to remarry (and perhaps have another child?) then I think you'll have to let him go.

Things that they do, without thinking which are just patterns of behaviour that they don't really understand are not consistent with their intellectual understanding of equality IYSWIM.

Ugh, this "the abused turn into abusers" thing is just victim blaming on a long term scale. Yes, abusers are more likely to have been abused but most people come through abuse without becoming abusive. There is no "often" about it.

And self-protection is not necessarily selfish. For him, it may be a life jacket to be emotionally cut off. It may literally feel life and death for him. Recasting it as him being "insecure" is ridiculously reductive but unsurprising, I guess.

Ok, I'm going to stop derailing the thread because the OP wants advice and I don't think it changes anything anyway but I disagree strongly that his behavior gives any reasonable credence to the notion that he is doing this because he thinks women are lesser people. I would not date him but I think because he is extremely emotionally damaged and closed off. He needs soooo much therapy. And the person who comes out of therapy may be not anything like this guy.

But good luck to the OP who seems like an empathetic and intelligent woman and I'm sure will find a great man regardless.

Some of the posts are getting a little off the mark here although I'm happy to get people's opinions; that's why I came on here. He doesn't make me unhappy; this is the happiest, healthiest relationship I've ever had! That maybe speaks volumes about me though. He cheated in the past because he was unhappy, sexually unsatisfied and stayed when he should have left; So did I, so I have no moral high ground. I lacked the courage and sense of self worth to leave so I made a hash of the relationships & was unhappy.

He doesn't like to chat to his friends let alone mine! He only talks if he has something to say but knows I need to talk loads so he listens until his head starts overloading then asks if he can have a breather, watch a film etc.

His reaction to me accepting or declining lifts is more or less the same. Think he just likes to be useful; give him a task to do and he's happy; whether it be a lift, change a bulb, help me with work stuff, run a bath, doesn't matter.

Yes I know i may get hurt but that's always a risk; can't work out if he's more or less of a risk. If he doesn't chase infatuations he may actually be a safer bet! Never thought of it like that before...

nah pocketsaviour... witholding the 'three little words' with vague explanations as to why he doesn't say them could get a woman pulling herself apart to get him to love her. It's not necessarily a concrete example of something that means he cannot possibly be manipulative to me.

He may well not be, none of the stuff is indicative that that is definitvely the case either. It's simply the worst case scenario. But the best case one is that he's broken and doesn't really see a need to fix it and that's not a reason really to stay. If you're posting on an internet forum you can't really leave out the worst case scenario tbh.

I have a dear male friend (platonic) whom I have known for years. I love him to bits (again, platonically) and I tell him that often. He has never said it back because that is just not his style, you know? He is much more reserved than I am and doesn't process emotions that way. We have a nice arrangement where I get to say "I love you", like I do with lots of friends/family, and he has to tolerate it, even though it can be uncomfortable for him, (I know this because we have discussed it!), and I have to be fine that he does not say it back, like most other people in my life do. It works great, and our friendship just chugs along nicely. I know he feels strongly about our friendship, but perhaps does not have the same capacity, emotionally, as I do, and that is perfectly okay with me.

That having been said, my husband is wonderfully verbally affectionate and I am not sure if I would be able to feel good about saying "I love you" to him and never hearing it back. I would have to think about that...

But overall, some folks just don't use those words very much, and I think that is okay.

I dont like the unfaithfulness in the first marriage.

But I do think this guy is honest re the love thing. He could easily write you cards saying he loves you etc to placate you. But he doesnt do it. Hes honest in that.

I would take a look at the Love Languages. I think it is clear that you and he have different ones. I think you might find it useful and informative. An introduction here: verilymag.com/2013/04/dr-gary-chapman-explains-the-5-love-languages

Wishing you all the best!

I don't care for the 'treating you like a princess' thing really, in words or deeds. Fairytale language tends to point to artifice on some level, I think.

Simply treating someone kindly, though, out of affection or goodwill - that's to be welcomed. I hope that's what is happening in your case.

Your partner does however, come across as a little cold or closed off on some level. I won't speculate on why. But I don't think he's likely to change or suddenly open up. What you see is currently what you get.

If you're content with this, and can accept his outlook as it is, why not stick with it for now? Staying today doesn't mean staying forever.

Level of physical contact works for me, love it. I am a touchy, feely sort of person so it feels natural. Definitely won't being doing the kids thing, Have enough already, too old and enjoying prospect of empty nest in next few years. Lots of plans for travel, fun and freedom from childcaring. Will look at link thingy later, thanks.

Interestingly my brother is on the autistic spectrum I think (high achiever) and emotions are few too. Dad was complete opposite, a real party and people person. Strange who we choose isn't it. Off ut now . Thanks people. x

but with the love languages thing that's helpful when people love each other but communicate love in different ways which are a bit mismatched and it helps you understand how the other person is expressing their love and the ways that expressions of love matter to each other. This is a man who says he doesn't and has never felt love and that the op should not expect to feel he loves her because he doesn't, has never loved anyone and doesn't expect to either. How would the love languages things help with that? This man claims to not be capable of love.

It's effectively a great big smelly relationship turd and right now the bathroom door may be shut so the smell isn't an issue but as soon as the OP reaches for the handle it's gonna invade the whole bloody house and knowing it was always there isn't going to be much comfort!

Offred I don't want this to sound harsh, but you seem really invested in this, to the point where you're criticising other poster's opinions because they're not in line with yours. I don't think that's helpful to OP.

I'm criticising other people's opinions because they are making sweeping statements that are IMO unfounded and actually potentially pretty damaging. But it would be possibly more helpful if you could articulate precisely why you think it is not possible for someone to manipulate someone else by witholding saying 'I love you'. I think it is pretty naive to suggest that people don't do that. Again, I'm not suggesting that that is definitely what this man is doing but it is what some people do (men and women) when they have insecurities and control issues and I think suggesting that it is, or that honesty about faults and past poor treatment of partners, is in any way reassuring is pretty crap advice.

I'm criticising other people's opinions because they are making sweeping statements that are IMO unfounded and actually potentially pretty damaging.

Yeah, I get that, but I could say the same about what you've posted, because I don't agree with it.

But let's leave it there, I've already said my piece :)

well whatever, apparently you slinging something vague and sly about me personally is an appropriate way to disagree with my points but my openly disagreeing with you and some other people and articulating why is unacceptable to you. Not really sure of the rationale there.

I'm choosing to leave it there out of respect for the OP and because you've made it clear we're not going to agree.

Offred... sorry but I think you're being a bit unfair to pocketsaviour, I'm wincing at your multiple posts and your projection. Many of us have gone through a heap of stuff in our lives and have opinions to offer but you're dismissive of them, referencing your own experiences quite a lot and, making assumptions as 'fact' whilst criticising other posters for giving their own views that don't accord with yours. That's really not fair.

It's not just words though op. Some people can live happily with someone who can't say I love you, but definitely does love them. He has said that he doesn't love you or indeed anyone, which is a bit more of a issue.

Sad now.

about the thread or the relationship or both good?

Both. He text earlier asking if I like brass bands, no real thoughts either way, then encouraged he said he has a brass band themed surprise for me next Wednesday. Feel disloyal after this post. He has so much good in him & the desire to please. Wish I could just stop over analysing. Hey ho. We are what we are. He just seems so much more accepting & forgiving of our differences than me. I want him to be like me & he's not. He doesn't want me to be like him or change! Maybe I have the issues not him? Lol. X night all & thanks