BF; Treats me beautifully but doesn't 'do' emotions or emotional talk

[goodcompany2]

He's been a great work friend for years, then a stop start casual date for a few months then a 'proper' out in the open boyfriend for 9 months. He treats me respectfully, thoughtfully, kind and is very affectionate. Our sex life is the best ever and we both have been around the block a few times so know a good thing when we find it. There shouldn't be any problems, we don't argue, respect personal space, share expenses, have same sense of humour and personal values. Yet I am driving myself nuts with wondering how to cope with his lack of verbal emotions.

I fessed up to being smitten after a few months and then to loving him a few months back. He has been honest from start & reckons he's never been in love (has ex wife/GF's and kids) so he doesn't say it back. If pushed/cornered he will say stuff like what would you prefer someone who treats you 'like a princess' or someone who just says it? He's right I feel cherished on a daily basis but want to have conversation about 'us', the future, hopes and ambitions etc but he lives for the moment and avoids such talk politely or just resorts to joking.

Think I need to get some perspective please.

ah, many apologies... twas not my intention for it to descend into such a bunfight.

On the serious side though we can all speculate about what might be behind this whole thing but one thing is for sure, and I think we all agree on this, if someone thinks they are incapable of love it is them that has an issue and you know you don't have to accept it just because everything else is great. If you can't accept it as a condition of the relationship it doesn't mean you have issues.

I think a relationship with a person like this inevitably leads to some over-analysing.
I hope you enjoy the brass band surprise, OP ;)

He just sounds really bloody boring to me OP. Someone who doesn't do small talk and is emotionally repressed would bore the pants off me - do you talk about anything at all? However many brass band surprises he arranged or odd jobs he did, the fact that we couldn't talk about a shared future would really turn me off. If he really loved you he would go and explore why he is as buttoned up as he is, because it isn't normal and it's making you unhappy. He'd rather risk losing you - I think that says everything really, though I'm genuinely sorry to say that. You deserve more.

why the fuck would you consider a "brass band surprise" an adequate substitute for getting basic social and emotional needs in an intimate relationship met?

You are tying yourself in knots over how he feels about you. Or doesn't feel about you.

How do you feel about him? Does he make you feel good when you are together? Do you like the person he is? Are you proud to say he is your partner?

Only you know your deal breakers. But from what you describe, you would be ending what seems to be a warm, affectionate, supportive, fun relationship because he can't truthfully say 'I love you'.

Plenty of people say it without meaning it. I think this shows he is the OPPOSITE of manipulative. I think he's honest, but unfortunately brutally so.

Obviously this is the way he is. It's your choice to take him as he is, or leave him.

Lol at brass band themed surprise.

He's going to blow his own trumpet

Is this the kind of thing he does then, brass band themed surprises? Honestly I couldn't be doing with that. He appears to be taking all his ideas from crap romantic films with no real idea about what you might actually need and how relationships work in real life.

I have to agree with Uptown too. He would probably bore me to tears, but then I'm a talker who needs someone to talk to. It's what attracted me to my husband in the first place - that we could talk for hours about stuff and that he is emotionally intelligent.

It's your relationship though and I don't generally tell someone to ltb on these threads. But it all sounds a bit "Disney" and ungrounded from what you have written.

Don't like 'treated like a princess' but the rest seems fine to me.

He treats you very well, listens to you, takes care of his family, sex is great etc etc. I'd be enjoying myself...

OP - why don't you show him this thread. Once he has read it, I am sure he will either say the "magic words" or take the decision out of your hands.

Some judgmental comments & some kinder ones. A surprise outing and new experiences seems somehow boring to some. He knows that one of the things I missed most as a happy singleton was going to theatre, shows, concerts etc. We regularly spend whole weekends together I don't ever get bored. We chat, go for walks, cook, discuss science stuff (our specialisms) watch films. With me he is comfortable chatting but it's not his natural thing. The more people around him the less comfortable he is. Oddly he covers so well that most people think he is quite the extrovert but he gets very anxious about it all. in work gatherings leave him knackered afterwards. I have a low boredom threshold yet don't tire of his company.

Showing this thread would be too brutal. Think he would be terribly upset & feel inadequate. If he is emotionally hurting it may even damage him futher. I don't want to force his hand or have any sort of ultimatum. Just perspective & thoughts. Seems posters are as conflicted as me. Many say run a mile yet lots saying it's not so bad & to enjoy my relationship for it's great points! Both are how I feel some days but the run a mile feeling is weaker & weeker as time progresses. He's never broken a promise, been disrespectful or mean. He snapped at me a few months back in work (stress) & walked off. I spoke to him about how it was not ok to vent at me & we discussed it calmly, we listened 2 each other & was resolved. With other guys it would have escalated into a row & me having a hissy fit. He seems to bring out the best in me. I like who I am arou d him.

Typing on phone! Excuse typos please

I think everyone is over analysing this. You have a boyfriend who treats you well, great sex etc etc but has told you very clearly he does not love you. It's up to you to decide whether that is enough for you or whether you are wasting your time

I see nothing unusual in him never having been in love before. I know a number of people in their 30s, 40s and older who this just hasn't happened for. It doesn't automatically happen at a young age and it doesn't mean someone is emotionally stunted just because they have not had this experience. What I would be worried about if I was the OP is that he will at some point fall in love and at that point the OP will be dropped like a hot cake. It sounds like a ' do for now' relationship from what has been written, good friends with the benefit of sex. He has been very honest about that and it's just a question of weighing up whether that is enough, it wouldn't be for me.

He sounds really lovely.

I do have to laugh at the posters desperately trying to find a way to call him an abuser

OMG he picks you up from nights out and doesn't like chit chat!! Ab-yoo-sive!!!!

no-one has called him abusive towards the op, though he certainly was abusive towards his wife. I've said his behaviour indicates that he is selfish and controlling and this is often indicative of an abuser. No abusive relationship begins as awful they frequently begin with treating the partner as a 'princess' (know he only said that once) and responding to their own issues by making them someone else's problem.

I think it is possible that someone may never have been in love by their 30's or 40's but to stay in a marriage for 16 years, treat your wife absolutely appallingly and then tell your new GF that you are not capable of love I think is something that really should be taken quite seriously as a massive warning.

If he'd simply said he didn't love the OP and there wasn't the history with the wife then I'd say the same - you're getting ahead of yourself and over analysing everything is fine right now. But this man abused his wife for 16 years and has told the OP he isn't capable of love...

Bit shocked so many people are falling over themselves to call that normal tbh.

and great he has been honest about abusing his wife and not being capable of love... but that is really meaningless... not all abusive people lie to manipulate, many use honesty in this way.

Having read your last couple of posts op, I'm not sure hearing about what we would do/think is going to help much. Most of us would need to be in a long term relationship with someone who loved us, but we aren't you.

If the relationship is as good as you say and you can cope with the fact that he will possibly never say he loves you and maybe will never love you, then see how it goes. It could be that he turns around one day and realises he does indeed love you or you may find you can't cope with it after all and have to walk away. Who knows what the future will bring.

I would still want to know if he loves his children though.

I'd call him a keeper .

He does why he says. He won't be pressured into grand (and to his mind, meaningless and insincere) demonstrations even though he know he could lose you.

You like yourself around him and he treats you well. The whole is greater than the sum of two parts. You are in love with him. He wants to be with you.

I agree with firesidechat, OP. I know you haven't liked the responses on your thread because it seems you were hoping for validation that this is all normal, that he loves you but just can't get the words out. I don't think that's the case. I'm a believer in people saying what they think and that kind of statement, ie. those three little words, are generally bubbling out when you feel that way. He doesn't or can't/won't articulate it.

This isn't about him. It's about you. He doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things because it's your life. If you're happy with him then accept that this is something you can't change and be 'happy with your lot'. If you're not happy then you have a decision to make.

Thing is OP, if you were utterly convinced by all the lovely things you are telling us he does, you wouldn't be here.

Trust your instincts. They are there for a reason. If something niggles you then there is a valid reason for it.

I seem to attract men like this, mainly as friends. You absolutely cannot get close to them. If you are happy being held at arm's length indefinitely then carry on. But if you are an emotional, loving person this will not work. You are not compatible.
He is controlling, but not in the way you think. He has set the parameters of the relationship and dictates social situations (eg by not engaging with your friends). You are clearly wishing and hoping for more. You may get it, but you probably won't. Thing is, he'll keep you in the dark while you're waiting. It's no way to live.
BTW cheating on his wife, the mother of his children, then blaming being 'unhappy' I a massive red flag.
Basically you shouldn't have to analyse and list things to find the hidden evidence of love. It should be there, plain as day. You deserve that.
Why did he plan a brass band themed surprise if you're not bothered?

He knows I love going out. Simples. Not much on around here that's affordable. I've been looking for a show or event to do but came up with zilch. He thought it would be worth a try & I agree. Like new experiences. It was a thoughtful thing to do.
I put my questions to him in a gently worded email. I always communicate better in writing. I can focus on the issue in a less erratic fashion & ramble on less. Have sent it to him but told him he can take his time over reply. He will teply in a few days I reckon. I'm giving him time to process it & think, then look for the words! When we talk emotions, it's clear it's not a language he's fluent in lol. The gaps between sentences are huge whilst he thinks & tries to talk. I know he worries about saying the wrong thing alot of the time so prefers to day nothing. It really does make him anxious & uncomfortable; bordering on fear. Like it's a test he's knows he's going to fail. It used to come across as disinterest but now I can see it just takes a huge effort & he goes slowly measuring each word.
doesn't mean I won't press for a response just that I will give him the time he needs to form it.

I'm not sure what it is that you are hoping to get from him.

He's able to express his emotions very clearly, saying honestly that he has never been in love, even with you.

Are you hoping that this will turn out not to be true? That in fact he doesn't actually know what "love" means - so actually he does love you, but just never realised it?

Probably! Lol. Will see what email brings & how I feel about it all. Bit hormonal at mo so best not dwell too much or naval gaze. X

Being with him makes you more happy than not, at the moment. There are only two reasons I can think of for ending it at this point: a) if you want to find someone you could spend the rest of your life with and being with this guy is stopping you from finding "the one"; b) the more you become used to him being around the more it's going to hurt when/if it ends. If a) doesn't apply it's all down to how much risk you're prepared to take on b).

One thing you should absolutely not be doing is staking anything on the likelihood he will eventually learn to love you. It sounds as though being with you may be good for him emotionally, he may learn more about analysing and articulating his feelings, but that does not mean it will develop into (what he would call) love. He may become more aware and able to explain why he doesn't, or he may one day just meet someone else and - wham. Hearts, flowers, singing cherubs, the whole bit. Is that fear worth missing out on having a good time now? Will your memories of this time be fond or painful?

Of course he might turn out to be a dick further down the line (I don't think Offred was unfair to point out he was a dick to his wife, he does at least have that capability) or you might just drift apart. Nobody knows what the future holds.

I think "go with the flow but protect your heart" is probably the nearest you'll get to useful advice, although much, much easier said than done.