BF; Treats me beautifully but doesn't 'do' emotions or emotional talk

[goodcompany2]

He's been a great work friend for years, then a stop start casual date for a few months then a 'proper' out in the open boyfriend for 9 months. He treats me respectfully, thoughtfully, kind and is very affectionate. Our sex life is the best ever and we both have been around the block a few times so know a good thing when we find it. There shouldn't be any problems, we don't argue, respect personal space, share expenses, have same sense of humour and personal values. Yet I am driving myself nuts with wondering how to cope with his lack of verbal emotions.

I fessed up to being smitten after a few months and then to loving him a few months back. He has been honest from start & reckons he's never been in love (has ex wife/GF's and kids) so he doesn't say it back. If pushed/cornered he will say stuff like what would you prefer someone who treats you 'like a princess' or someone who just says it? He's right I feel cherished on a daily basis but want to have conversation about 'us', the future, hopes and ambitions etc but he lives for the moment and avoids such talk politely or just resorts to joking.

Think I need to get some perspective please.

or he may one day just meet someone else and - wham. Hearts, flowers, singing cherubs, the whole bit.

but that can happen to anyone in any relationship anyway

To me there is something supremely controlling and selfish about saying "I can't love you." It says you have to settle for small beans - all the superficial trappings of a relationship but none of the deeper emotional bedrock that makes relationships solid and worthwhile. He is saying he wants to keep you exclusive and have all the fun bits of being with someone without any of the risk or investment that makes relationships more than just friendships. Heck I love my friends so it's not even a friendship he's offering, more of an emotionless companionship. Like I said, you deserve better.

As I mentioned, I've known a few guys like this. I think I'm attracted to them due to my father. They seem like gentlemen, have a lot of lovely qualities, but are open about the fact that they can't feel things. What I've learned is that it's a particularly insidious sort of immaturity and you'll be let down with a bang at some point. And when that happens they'll look you in the eye and tell you they told you they can't feel things. And when you try to reason with them, get to see how they've hurt you, they'll just be blank - there's no connection there. It's like looking into a void.

A relationship without connection or emotion is a flimsy pointless thing IMO.

watch a few episodes of the 'bing bang' with Amy, at least you get sex :)

OP, I know this isn't really the focus of your thread, but one thing that jumped out at me was his unfaithfulness in his first marriage. What's your view on that? Does it negatively affect your feelings about him? Do you believe he's changed and wouldn't do that to you?

I have no worries about fidelity. Not a one. His last relationship was monogamous. He is (we are) highly sexed & meet each other's needs totally. His wife wasn't. He met her needs for financial security etc. A poor marriage but it kind of functioned I think. She was aware of his antics. She's never dated since. They get on fine, he still does all the household diy etc & is her go to person if something needs doing or kids playing up. He used to be jack the lad, girls, pubs etc. Now he's a stay at home with bottle of wine & film or concert type of man. Not worried.

Some men love deeply but find it hard to say the words.

But it doesn't sound like that's problem here: this man actually can't feel anything full stop.

He has significant emotional problems if he can't watch films that are intense or suspenseful, he can't watch the news, he can't be around your children, was a serial cheat in his first marriage, and still is not divorced. Tbh these are all a lot more serious than being unable to say he loves you and I think you're focusing on the wrong thing.

You have a facade of a relationship without the foundations. He's asking you to love him but he's clear he will never do the same for you. That is supremely selfish and no amount of hand-holding and treating you well can mitigate that. Love is what keeps couples together when times are hard, without that this relationship will just evaporate at the first sign of trouble. There's nothing sustaining it.

Twinklestein has got to he heart of exactly what I was trying (but failing) to.

Oh OP, what happens if you go through a period of stress and you don't feel like sex? What happens if you get ill?

What happens when the honeymoon phase wears off and sex becomes more humdrum?

Do you want to be looking over your shoulder when you can't 'meet' his sexual needs?

All good points. No idea. We were out last week and he avoided an old school mate. When I asked why he told me that as a young man this guy had had serious car accident in which this guy's girlfriend was seriously hurt & severely facially scarred. The guy didn't stay with the girl & my BF thought his behaviour was unforgiveable. Hadn't spoken to him since! But how I would fare I don't know. When I hurt my shoulder few months back & driving aggravated it; he insisted on running me & kids back & forth all week (& doing shopping). He walks the walk but doesn't talk the talk!
Ps he hasn't asked me to love him, he looks most uncomfortable if I mention the words. Think he would prefer those words were never said ever.

Not defending him, just presenting whole picture. I know that a relationship needs to be built on love to thrive & ultimately survive. What I need to figure out is whether he's capable of loving and secondly capable of loving me?
The way I see it is I can bail or I can wait and see if we weather life's ups & downs like a couple who declare their love. If we do then is it all just semantics?
Would obviously prefer words & actions , who wouldn't?

So the controlling things he does are 'nice' (Atm). It doesn't actually mean they are not controlling.

I don't think you need to figure those things out. He does. He has told you he isn't capable of love, it sounds like you require love (as any normal person would in a relationship of this kind). He needs to think about it, why he is like that and whether he thinks his issues need to be sorted by him.

I really don't think this guy is controlling tbh. He is one of those who are very unconfortable with the words 'I love you'.

I'm at the idea that a man who is so kind with his gf is a sign that he is somewhat controlling because he recognises he isn't confortable with these words.

TMF - it's not that he's not comfortable with the words, he's said he doesn't actually feel love. That's a different thing entirely. He's telling the OP that he'll do the surface things of having a relationship but there's no feeling at all there. What's the point in that?

No, it's the 'insisting' on driving her back and forth, not 'being comfortable' with her friends, surprise dates etc that is quite controlling. The saying 'I'm not capable of love' and dismissing attempts to talk about it is also quite controlling.

And the amount of and type of interaction he still has with his wife and the fact he isn't divorced and she has not had another relationship... Plus he stayed with her, had kids and cheated repeatedly for 16 years - you also mentioned she knew so he has form for that kind of honesty ultimatum when he feels entitled to behave badly...

All of this analysing is really so redundant though. It all comes down to the fact that he has told you he is not capable of love. What kind of a person does that actually make him?! And you are tying yourself in knots trying to put things in the right way so he doesn't get upset...

As someone pointed out before he is comfortable telling you how he feels. He is not comfortable listening to how you feel which is also controlling.

There are a lot of red flags around this man, his past is a massive red flag. Oh poor him his girlfriend got pregnant, was he really forced to spend 16 years with her? was he really that unhappy? he cheated on his wife several times and still to this day has not divorced her, not even when his last girlfriend wanted him to.

He does not say I love you because that is a commitment, a commitment he does not want to make with you. He is giving himself an option to have an easy way out of this relationship. I be less worried about the I love you and more concerned about his constant cheating on his ex and his problems with his emotions. I have a feeling you will get hurt by this man in the future.

hi I posted earlier and so have been reading your replies. The more you wrote about him the more I think he is signposting to you that he has a get out clause in the event something happens he doesn't like and walks away from. He would expect you to accept this and not subject him to your emotions because "I always said it wasn't love"
I think you are looking for signs of compatibility which will mean such an event is unlikely, but that's an unrealistic hope to pin your future on.
i think it's couples that can discuss emotions who can weather such 'events' and stay together and grow stronger.
He has given himself a get out clause to walk away and avoid rather than have to deal with strong emotions of an 'event' that will test you both as a couple.

My daughter's ex was exactly as you describe here and after three years his lack of emotional response wore her down.

It wasn't just the reluctance to verbalise his feelings for her. At times of shared intense emotion (like a good friends wedding or dream moment when travelling) he was incapable of expressing more than a 'this is nice' response. There was never any honest exposure of feeling (he was terrified of expressing anger too).

She started to feel isolated, shut out and found herself trying to provoke a response to chip away at the wall out of frustration and resentment.

He was a lovely guy and treated her very well but he had a secret self that he was not prepared to share with anyone.

Interestingly his chosen partners have all been very outwardly emotional so he is attracted to those who can express what he can't.

Absolutely second what mumfun says: read The Five Love Languages (Gary Chapman)
My dh is very similar. He is a honey but his entire family have always been like how you describe. Just not apt to communicate about deeper things, take refuge in joking about things, very kind & helpful to a fault, but not comfortable with discussing their innermost 'stuff'.
I often get a bit pissed off with it - my family are all very open hearted communicators - but am coming to accept that it's just a character trait that some people have. Nothing sinister. Plus he is slowly improving!
If he's unselfish, kind & gentle - and the sex is good! - then just have a bit of faith that as time goes on, he'll learn to talk & express himself.
I am sure i am teaching my grandmother to suck eggs here but giving him verbal appreciation for his kindness helps too.

My xh is not good at expressing feelings. He definitely has them and is not expressing them. I found the love languages very useful in the past but eventually the not expressing feelings was intolerable.

I can't emphasise enough though that this is a different situation. This man says he doesn't even have feelings to express. You already know he treats you generally in a way that you like. If you look at love languages it will just potentially be more of you trying to convince yourself that he does love you really just doesn't say it where in actual fact he has expressed his feelings; he says he isn't capable of love, doesn't love you, has never loved anybody and thinks you should be grateful he doesn't treat you badly.

Do you think he is just saying he is incapable of love just to fob you off I.e instead of admitting he just doesn't love you? Trying not to hurt your feelings but making it clear that this is not on the cards.

You say that you saying I love you makes him very uncomfortable. I've been in this situation where a bf that I liked but not loved kept saying this and believe me it does make you very uncomfortable so I can understand that.

Offred - I appreciate your postings and lots you have said has given me food for thought but he has never implied I should be grateful, nor insisted on lifts etc, he doesn't not join in with my friends to control. When his oldest school friend and arguably best friend comes down, he asks that I join them as he says that he finds it easier to go out if there's a third person (i.e. preferably me) around as the necessity to chat won't fall all on him. He finds it a real effort, same when his sister visits, he knows I can smooth the social wheels to make it fun. He confessed that his Mum says she loves his sisters to them but doesn't to him probably because she's knows 'I'll hate it'. Get the impression he thinks it's girl thing!

He doesn't do anger, disapproval, judgement, very happy etc. Yes it's frustrating. He is controlling, but I think it's of himself, not good either.

Interested to know how those of you with spouses who are poor communicators and loathe to express emotions actually ended up married? Did they overcome their inhibitions to ask for marriage in an emotional outpouring? Just curious. Was it a one off moment of vulnerability?

We married fairly quickly and had a LDR beforehand, only lived together briefly before marriage because of the circumstances of each of our lives - me single mum on benefits and him a high earner. Also, he deliberately implied that he was easy going and didn't generally have the strong feelings about things that he does. Eventually he started expressing the feelings through some mild headfuckery and major passive aggression.