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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

BF; Treats me beautifully but doesn't 'do' emotions or emotional talk

201 replies

goodcompany2 · 26/05/2015 12:34

He's been a great work friend for years, then a stop start casual date for a few months then a 'proper' out in the open boyfriend for 9 months. He treats me respectfully, thoughtfully, kind and is very affectionate. Our sex life is the best ever and we both have been around the block a few times so know a good thing when we find it. There shouldn't be any problems, we don't argue, respect personal space, share expenses, have same sense of humour and personal values. Yet I am driving myself nuts with wondering how to cope with his lack of verbal emotions.

I fessed up to being smitten after a few months and then to loving him a few months back. He has been honest from start & reckons he's never been in love (has ex wife/GF's and kids) so he doesn't say it back. If pushed/cornered he will say stuff like what would you prefer someone who treats you 'like a princess' or someone who just says it? He's right I feel cherished on a daily basis but want to have conversation about 'us', the future, hopes and ambitions etc but he lives for the moment and avoids such talk politely or just resorts to joking.

Think I need to get some perspective please.

OP posts:
Offred · 28/05/2015 18:31

basically a completely different situation to yours! ha ha!

Original poster
goodcompany2 · 28/05/2015 19:02

Nah, this one's a pussycat. ExH was the mindfuckery king. He was an out and out sociopath, compulsive liar, financial abuser, stalker and control nut.

This one is emotionally constipated but honest, hard working and dependable. I used to tease him that he was on the autistic spectrum as he's so underwhelmed by everything. Now I'm less sure, as it seems he feels intensely so avoids highly charged situations completely or maybe he doesn't?

Going to make the next few weeks about me, he has my email stating how I feel and questions I want answers to. I will back off being quite so available time wise and emotionally and see what happens. Will he move towards me or not? Really don't want him to feel cornered as I'm still hoping that it is something that will improve if he feels 'safe' to share.

He has been such a good and loyal friend/colleague for so long before being BF. Hope it's just a mismatch in communication styles.

PS I like that he has a practical hands on supportive role for ExW ( separated wife) being his kids still live at home with her. He will never be the sort to do Xmas concerts, fund raising raffles etc but will unblock her sink and do parents' evenings etc. I see it as a strong sense of duty and playing to his strengths.

OP posts:
britneyspearscatsuit · 28/05/2015 19:44

Can I just say I don;t have time to read 6 pages but from my experience anyone who can't talk about their feelings is a problem.

Maybe not the part when they can't tell you they love you (learn to live with that if they show you with actions) but the real problem starts when they STOP loving you.

They won't talk about it as it unfolds, they won't work on the problem. They will just disappear.

Having been there...I know this can happen.

Can't talk about emotions means the other person is in the dark.

What else IS there to talk ABOUT?

Original poster
goodcompany2 · 28/05/2015 19:49

Now that is a new perspective. Thank you. That's has scared me more than anything anyone's said.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 28/05/2015 20:06

I'm not sure he is that poor a communicator OP.

A poor communicator would be someone who loves you but can't say it.

This guy doesn't love you and has no problem saying he 'doesn't do love'.

It's just that you can't commensurate that with what the fact that he's affectionate and treats you well. But that doesn't mean he loves you.

JCLNE · 28/05/2015 20:13

This thread really, really baffles me.

People who think this bloke is some kind of pathological case who is "unable" to love - what do you think love actually is? How do you define it? What is this man lacking, in your opinion?

He's kind, compassionate, caring, there's great sex, shared interests, stimulating conversations, fun, laughter. All of you people who think this guy is damaged goods, controlling etc., while the OP has "low standards" and a "façade" of a relationship - do YOU have all this in your own relationships, and more? Tell us poor mortals about it.

Love is not an "emotion', people. It's putting up with somebody else every day for years on end and still finding more joy than pain in their company. It's having the kindness to laugh at their tired old jokes, and the patience to care for them when they're ill, without losing your own sanity in the process. That is love. It's not something you talk about, it's something you do. Walk the walk vs talk the talk, you said it yourself, OP.

Offred · 28/05/2015 20:21

are you missing the part where he said he doesn't love her, has never loved anyone and isn't capabl of love? It doesn't matter what he does therefore because he is saying he doesn't, in actual fact, love her and never will because he is a person who is not capable of love. He's either lying to protect himself in some way or he's a total psychopath and I don't see why either is acceptable tbh.

JCLNE · 28/05/2015 20:35

Offred, I'd be curious to know in what context he said what he said.

People seldom say "I don't love you" unprompted and without being cornered or pressured into a situation where they're being measured up to somebody else's vague, romanticised and possibly quite unrealistic concept of "love".

Which is, quite frankly, more manipulative and immature than being honest about your own feelings and how you communicate about them.

Offred · 28/05/2015 20:40

No-one generally says or thinks they are incapable of love. It's a horrendous thing to say and it doesn't sound at all like the op has unrealistic or romantic ideas of love.

Original poster
goodcompany2 · 28/05/2015 20:42

Or a scared, vulnerable man who shuts down. We only had the conversation once, it wasn't repeated, and I haven't pushed it again until now (2 months or so on) and even then it has been a gentle nudge. Verbalising his emotions or lack of wasn't easy. Took a long time of waiting for him to struggle with internal conflict. Wasn't glib and wasn't easy.

Think once the walls are up it's easy to become the stoic, stone hearted, always dependable, no drama, chap he portrays rather than change his lifetime pattern of thinking. Or he's genuinely emotionally absent. Not sure he even has the knowledge to know which he is, he would prefer to be the latter but may be the former. Time will tell.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/05/2015 21:10

How can anybody here know, good? You don't know either because he doesn't talk to you about anything meaningful or emotive. If you're happy with that (and it sounds like you're not but you'll settle for it), then crack on.

He's told you he's not in love with you, doesn't love you, can't feel love. Is there anything else that you really need to know? You think he's scared and vulnerable and yet you keep pushing for this answer that you want. You're not going to get it, are you? Why do you keep pushing him? If he turns around in exasperation and says, "OK, I give up, anything to shut you up, you've beaten me down, I love you"... will that be ok? Will it be worth it? Extracted rather than freely given? That would be so sad.

You've posted all through your thread defending this man when really the only person who has 'attacked' him is you in your initial complaint. It's a bit baffling really... what do you want from this thread exactly? You want to stay with him no matter what. Best of luck to you then.

ApplePaltrow · 28/05/2015 21:46

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

I think you are being unfair to good. The whole point about this guy is that he's not a terrible person. He's, as she said, emotionally constipated. She's trying to work out if she can live with it. She's allowed to discuss that over the thread.

And she is only forced to defend him because one poster keeps insisting that he's controlling and abusive.

XiCi · 28/05/2015 21:47

Agree with everything lying has said

I think you already know the answer but you just don't want to hear it

XiCi · 28/05/2015 21:51

and how is saying you don't love someone 'emotionally constipated '. Do we just now assume there is something wrong with a person if they are telling us something we don't want to hear?

Offred · 28/05/2015 21:51

What's your agenda about apple?

No-one has called him abusive to the op. He certainly was to his wife and he has told the op he was.

Loads have agreed that the things she describes are indicative that he is controlling and they are red flags indicative of potential abuse of her.

Offred · 28/05/2015 21:53

And yeah loads of other posters disagreed with that but it is hardly fair to present it in the way you did.

Offred · 28/05/2015 21:55

Fact is, no-one, not even the op can be sure 'he is not a terrible person'. What kind of person is incapable of love if not a terrible one and what kind of person tells their partner (who loves them) that they are incapable of love (whether they are misguided or hiding insecurity)? Certainly not a nice one a secure one or a mature respectful one?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/05/2015 22:00

Of course good can post about him and discuss him on the thread. She's defending him unnecessarily, nobody has said he's a terrible person. Several posters though are asking questions that are uncomfortable for the OP, understandable enough.

I'll add something else... whether this man is controlling and/or abusive - or not - there is something very manipulative - if not controlling in its own right - in trying to coerce somebody into saying something they do not want to say... and says herself that she will keep pushing him. I really didn't like the reference to 'teasing him about being on the autism spectrum'. That's quite glib and insulting really... there MUST be a reason why this man doesn't comply dammit!

I like being on MN, I hope that sometimes I post something that's useful or helpful but I hope to god I don't post just to blow unicorn dust up somebody's arse, there's nothing more patronising than being 'humoured' with what you think they want to hear, it's right up there 'hunn-ing' somebody... and I don't do that.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/05/2015 22:01

x-posted with XiCi and Offred and am in complete agreement.

XiCi · 28/05/2015 22:02

I agree Offred. I don't think any human is incapable of love. There is definitely a hidden agenda here. Just feel so sorry for the OP because she is obviously already so emotionally invested

Offred · 28/05/2015 22:09

Well I think psychopaths are incapable of love and one of the things they do is learn how to imitate behaviour in order to manipulate other people into believing they have feelings and are normal.

It is incredibly unlikely he is a psychopath but not impossible.

Either way if the choice is psychopath or emotionally stunted and not willing to change/see it as a problem for him or see the problems it creates for other people as relevant then a relationship with him is not going to work. For anybody who tries it.

ApplePaltrow · 29/05/2015 04:52

Fact is, no-one, not even the op can be sure 'he is not a terrible person'. What kind of person is incapable of love if not a terrible one and what kind of person tells their partner (who loves them) that they are incapable of love (whether they are misguided or hiding insecurity)? Certainly not a nice one a secure one or a mature respectful one?

Yeah, I don't know what to say to someone has this limited a view of human emotions. I suppose it's to be expected from someone who thinks abuse survivors are selfish. Anyway, you've suddenly gained a lot of new defenders on the thread (how timely!), having successfully shouted down pretty much everyone who has posted moderate and nuanced opinion in opposition to your cartoonish generalizations.

On the other hand, a looooooot of LTB threads are beginning to make sense in retrospect.

ravenmum · 29/05/2015 08:13

Did I miss the bit where he said he wasn't capable of love? I thought he just said he'd never been in love.

At 45 I've just had a couple of proper relationships - the first lasted 22 years ... it started out with lust and developed into tenderness. I was never really sure if I'd been "in love" either, despite enjoying the relationship. With my new partner it feels a lot more like the soppy romantic stuff you see in films and I'm happy to use the phrase. Maybe the same will happen to the OP's partner one day.

QuiteLikely5 · 29/05/2015 08:20

I haven't read the full thread but does he not love his children then?

Offred · 29/05/2015 08:25

What a weird post.

I'm not sure it is me who has a limited view of human emotions and I'm not sure that makes sense in relation to my posts either. Do you mean 'someone who doesn't have my view about this issue'?

Surely you don't need to be reminded that people who have been abused are people and of course sometimes behave selfishly and sometimes are selfish people. However, the op has not explicitly said he was abused in childhood so you are rather pulling that out of your arse atm.

There is however, a well known correlation between being a victim of/witness to abuse in childhood and becoming an abusive partner. It is thought that people can be genetically predisposed to psychopathy but this gene may only be 'switched on' if the person suffers childhood abuse.

Having had a bad childhood does not and should not give someone a free pass to treat their partners in adult relationships badly.

As for the incredible accusation that I've somehow orchestrated some kind of support on this thread - that's actually a completely insane thing to think and say, I'm a bit bamboozled.

Actually, Lying was someone who was disagreeing with me before but because we're all adults we clearly don't bear weird grudges when we've disagreed.

I won't accept I was shouting anybody down either. I have a strong opinion yes, and I disagreed strongly with some of the other advice but a couple of people started making personal comments about me, which I have never done.