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Original poster

BF; Treats me beautifully but doesn't 'do' emotions or emotional talk

201 replies

goodcompany2 · 26/05/2015 12:34

He's been a great work friend for years, then a stop start casual date for a few months then a 'proper' out in the open boyfriend for 9 months. He treats me respectfully, thoughtfully, kind and is very affectionate. Our sex life is the best ever and we both have been around the block a few times so know a good thing when we find it. There shouldn't be any problems, we don't argue, respect personal space, share expenses, have same sense of humour and personal values. Yet I am driving myself nuts with wondering how to cope with his lack of verbal emotions.

I fessed up to being smitten after a few months and then to loving him a few months back. He has been honest from start & reckons he's never been in love (has ex wife/GF's and kids) so he doesn't say it back. If pushed/cornered he will say stuff like what would you prefer someone who treats you 'like a princess' or someone who just says it? He's right I feel cherished on a daily basis but want to have conversation about 'us', the future, hopes and ambitions etc but he lives for the moment and avoids such talk politely or just resorts to joking.

Think I need to get some perspective please.

OP posts:
firesidechat · 29/05/2015 08:30

I haven't read the full thread but does he not love his children then?

I keep asking QuiteLikely* and yet to have an answer to that one. The op doesn't say that he doesn't love his kids, just that he has had kids with his wife and has never been in love.

Offred · 29/05/2015 08:30

'he believes he doesn't feel love etc although he feels strong affection'

'He is honest, he says he doesn't do love'

ravenmum · 29/05/2015 08:31

...what kind of person tells their partner (who loves them) that they are incapable of love
An honest one who doesn't want to get her hopes up through deception ...
though, as I say, I'm not sure he's ever said he's incapable of it.

QuiteLikely5 · 29/05/2015 08:32

He must surely love his children.

Even if he thinks he doesn't.

He may well not understand what love is or means.

Offred · 29/05/2015 08:37

Surely a relationship should be equal though? There's nothing wrong with honestly saying I'm not there yet. But there is quite a lot wrong with behaving as though you love someone then telling them you don't and don't 'do love'. He's happy to benefit from the op's feelings for him but has told her he will not ever return them - a basic inequality.

QuiteLikely5 · 29/05/2015 08:41

But he married and had children. Love must have been present.

Why did they divorce?

ravenmum · 29/05/2015 08:43

X-post - thank you, Offred.

At the end of my relationship with my husband he started saying that I was cold etc. (though it turned out to be an excuse for his affair). I started to think that maybe I wasn't normal as I'd never felt that tingly romantic love before, and that the deep affection and tenderness I felt was rubbish.

Now I've felt romantic love I know that I'm capable of it. But I resent the idea that my long-term tie to my husband was worthless. I also find it hard to give that feeling the name "love", as today what we call "love" is all about fireworks, flowers, ridiculous gestures, heart-shaped chocolates etc. In our culture it's no longer about long-term affection, respect, and the ability to have a good life together.

Offred · 29/05/2015 08:44

They haven't!

He apparently got married because his wife got pg young and he did the right thing. Then he stayed with her 16 years without loving her and cheated on her loads because she didn't want sex with him.

ravenmum · 29/05/2015 08:51

My husband used to say that he loved me a lot more than I did. When I did say it, I felt like I should have my fingers crossed or something as it wasn't that romantic kind of love I thought he meant. I thought he was a better person than me for being able to love "properly".

Then I read the emails he sent his mistress and he told her he'd never really loved me, he'd just "settled", and decided to put up with my many faults. I don't know if he was being honest with her or with me, or with both of us à la "it's complicated", but all this "if you don't declare romantic love you might by a psycopath" stuff seems a bit ... simple?

Offred · 29/05/2015 08:54

Totally understand that raven. Strong affectionate ties are of course of value. And I do acknowledge that he may well be capable of love and hasn't met someone yet who provokes that feeling in him.

The thing is that he has concluded that he is not capable of it and he has decided to have several relationships with women who do love him and to make his issues with love into their problem without viewing it as his issue. The relationships inevitably end of course. He seems to think there is nothing wrong with his perspective and as long as he 'does the right thing' I.e imitates loving behaviour there is no problem with him.

I don't think he is a psychopath incapable of love (because it is statistically unlikely) but I think it is pertinent to point out that because it clearly identifies that him feeling he isn't capable of loving a partner is a problem because really only psychopaths are like that.

If he is entrenched in the idea then he is not likely to be open to loving a partner, which is shit for the op as she can't make him see his problem is a problem and do something about it and he is clearly happy to just continue giving her half a relationship forever. Or the op is not the person who will provoke those feelings in him, which is shit for op. Or he IS a psychopath, which is also shit for OP (and his wife and kids).

ravenmum · 29/05/2015 09:04

I'd say the ball is in GC2's court. He's been honest to her, and told her what he feels capable of offering her. He wants to have a relationship with GC2, evidently, and is hoping that what he has to offer is enough to keep GC2 with him. Now it's up to her to decide - ideally based on the facts, rather than on her hopes that things might get better / he might really love her and just not know it. As long as she stays with him he'll stick around hoping not to break the spell.

Offred · 29/05/2015 09:04

My current bf I feel like that about. I don't love him atm, though feel strong affection for him. I did used to love him but things happened in both our lives and in our relationship and actually I think with the kind of relationship we have affection rather than love is probably more appropriate as effectively we are just dating and don't plan to live together or anything serious etc. doesn't mean the relationship has no value and I feel uncomfortable and pressured when he says 'I love you'.

If he was behaving as though he was a partner, we were 9 months in and the relationship was established and I loved him, as with the op, and that was the kind of relationship I wanted I would be very upset and confused by being told he did not love me and wasn't going to.

Offred · 29/05/2015 09:05

Totally agree raven.

QuiteLikely5 · 29/05/2015 09:07

Cheated on her loads! Well he isnt such a great guy after all is he?!

More like a coward and a chameleon to stay like that for 16 years!

HellKitty · 29/05/2015 09:07

I think two things, he's either scared of letting his brick wall totally down or he really doesn't love you.

My DP had a brick wall due to childhood issues. He loved me and would tell me but there was always one line of bricks left. He could cut people out of his life without (appearing to) care. Due to the childhood issues (abuse) he ended up having a breakdown. With counselling and A/Ds (and me!) he built himself back up. The wall has gone and it scares him. It leaves him open to be hurt, it worries him that I could leave (never) as he has given himself totally to me.

As for the second point, I dated in my 20s and met a guy who I liked being with but I didn't love him. He knew I didn't and wouldn't say it back to him. He always thought I might one day. Never happened. And that was a long relationship.

Offred · 29/05/2015 09:11

I really understand the wall thing but I know that it is unacceptable to maintain the wall throughout a relationship. The wall HAS to come down to maintain a healthy steady relationship. That's the difference really.

If he has a wall, he doesn't see the need for it to come down and he thinks the women he has been with are the ones who have issues because they aren't accepting that that is the way he is.

HellKitty · 29/05/2015 09:11

Also, sorry for waffling, only one coffee in so far!

You want him to tell you that he loves you, he doesn't 'do' love. You're always going to wonder what it is about you that makes him not say it. That you couldn't be the one to change his views on love.

angeltulips · 29/05/2015 09:19

Gosh. This guy just sounds like massively hard work. Having to choose your words carefully, put things in an email, having to play nanny on outings with his friends, not having him available to socialise with me & my friends, never getting any kind of emotional response from him...it's a lot to cope with. Quite apart from all the potential deeper issues, it just sounds like a massive hassle to me.

BUT, at a deeper level is echo what a pp said about companionship vs love. I don't like my husband sometimes - it's only love that gets us through. And the cheating on his wife because she wasn't highly sexed thing would scare me too - what if later you were ill?

All too complicated for me - but it's your life.

antimatter · 29/05/2015 10:01

It is harsh what I am going to write here....

Is it possible that he is decent with you because he likes you and the sex is good? Also you work together. Too much to lose if things go wrong. All his needs are met.

He didn't like his wife, there was no sex and without having to worry about being judged by his work mates he knew he could get away and be unfaithful. His old friend he judged for walking away from his gf because he himself was a good one. Provided for the family! Nevermind the unfaithfulness!

As other posters mentioned he is unlikely to stay with you if sex goes.

GrumpleMe · 29/05/2015 10:29

If you've never genuinely loved someone before, after numerous relationships, I think it would be reasonable to conclude that you might not be capable of it.

However, just because he says that about himself, doesn't make it fact. I could have said it about myself too, until I happened to meet the right person for me.

I hope he comes back with something that will make you feel better, OP.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/05/2015 10:42

Apple stop it. You're sounding ridiculous. Most posters on MN agree/disagree with the same poster on a rinse and repeat basis and there are no hard feelings.

What you said about Offred though is out of order. You know that. I wondered what she meant asking about 'your agenda', now I know. You definitely have one and you're being disingenuous. Stop causing trouble.

Cretaceous · 29/05/2015 10:53

What a lot of analysis! He told you the answer right up at the beginning, when you wrote he chose option e.
"e) I just don't think I do love but I am very fond of you and really enjoy your company!! I live in the present and have no plans to end it."
There's nothing else to say really after 170 messages! He told it how it is. His "very fond" might even be stronger and more lasting than other people's "deeply in love", and may grow in time. If he said he loved you less than others, and he had been in love before, that would be different.
If you can live with it - and it would suit me fine, as I'm not very emotional myself! - just carry on having fun and going out. If you need more, end it. No further analysis needed. It's not like going out with him is stopping you having children, as you have your family already.

Original poster
goodcompany2 · 31/05/2015 16:36

Update. Horrendous weekend, emotionally draining for me and confusing as hell for BF. Have been doing some (read load) of research and lateral thinking and have come up with new explanation for his 'uniqueness'. Am now exploring possibility of being on asperger's spectrum. Just read a kindle sample of book aspergers in love and it's resonating with me in parts. There is a superb thread on MN which really is interesting

OP posts:
Original poster
goodcompany2 · 01/06/2015 20:52

bump.

The more I research and read the more I believe that this would explain some parts of him, both his frustrating qualities and his wonderful attributes too. Think I've been expecting him to think and function the same as I think and function which may be unrealistic.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/06/2015 21:08

I'd never generally abandon a thread that I've posted on if the OP is still active but it should tell you something that people didn't post yesterday or today. You can research all you want, indulge your fantasies all you like, I'm not going to facilitate them because that would be doing you a huge disservice and I think you're fooling yourself.

If you want to believe what you've convinced yourself is true then go right ahead, it's your life although if you truly believed it, you wouldn't need to keep trying to get posters to agree with you. Good luck with it all then.

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