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Original poster

I've fallen for a married man- that old chestnut

246 replies

Rubberleg · 26/05/2015 11:21

Dear M-Netters,

..So I did the one thing that is the red flag, I got involved with a ring finger fred ( married man). It has been not all plain sailing and things reached a head when his wife found out. Now he has cooled off and says my presence is forcing him to make a decision which he doesn't feel he is capable of making right now. He says he feels pulled between new love and a secure family life. He says he needs time, he needs to see how he feels once he has had time, and that until he has had time to think, I will have to wait.. Obviously I'm aware I could be waiting until infinity! I'm also terribly upset that he couldn't tell me this in person as I sent several desperate emails asking to meet, I'm gutted that the time we've had hasn't made him feel compelled to be with me, instead he feels he has to choose between what I offer and what his family home has to offer (also a 7 year old son). I was told at the beginning that his married relationship was on its way out and I've made him feel whole again and he can't wait to spend more time with me etc. Now, I'm told I have to wait for a man who only last week told me how amazing I was and that he was so glad that I was in his life.
I haven't been completely cool on the other hand. I've sent him one or two desperate texts, telling him how much I missed him. I explained my side of the fence, the anxieties of being with someone who wasn't sure when they could see me, the fear of being with a married person, the shame of being the 'other woman'. But the truth is exactly that I miss him when we don't meet, weekends are terribly depressing for me as this is usually his family time. Yet, I feel +have to let go.
My last contact was a desperate message asking to meet so we could talk about our future. Previous to which I had sent a very long email telling that we had to change things, we couldn't meet as before, but that I still wanted to see him. He said he couldn't meet me but emailed to tell me he has decided it best to put our relationship on hold for a while. He feels very strongly about me but right now is too much for him. I haven't replied as I have to take responsibility for the unfolding decisions, but inside I feel gutted. I fear that this the end and I am going to lose him.

OP posts:
MaMaof04 · 27/05/2015 15:59

VIRIDUS That is exactly what my connard of a husband (that I still love) wanted to do: a meeting for a coffee morning with the OW so that I have a glimpse at what happened behind my back and understand why it happened (not to excuse himself- he thinks there are no excuses to the affair- and not to blame the OW, he does not, he thinks that she had big problems etc; blaming others is far from his chivalry upbringing Cheatyvalry I call this. He wanted this meeting just to put everything out on the table. Just to clear the opaque screen that he erected via the affair between us.) And you know what: I do not want to peep in this twisted world. I did not create it. No one asked my opinion when they created it. Their decision. Their problem. Their world is a twisted world forever. I am out of it. All my kids and I have to do is to live with its consequences and do our best to minimize any negative impact they might have on our family life.

This proposition is a bit weird. A cheater can never be honorable in the presence of his partner to the crime. It is twisting honorable principles and applying them in a not so honorable and quite absurd situation. (I am re-educating my imbecile to understand when you have to be a gentleman and when you have to avoid creating situations where anything you do becomes automatically wrong- absurd- weird-disrespectful. A gentleman never unintentionally offend. By going into an affair they always offend and hurt regardless of how they behave. )
You know affairs are kind of cancer for families: so when they happen and you realize that they are eating away the healthy cells of your family then you just have to cut the affected tumor (the tumor are the OW/OM + any relationship the idiotic cheater had with her.) She is a foreign body. If the spouses want to rebuild their marriage for the sake of their son then they have to be tough and show no pity and no mercy to the OW.
The OW must collect herself and go to do some therapy that will help her realize her wrong doings and build her self-esteem by looking out for single men- or better by learning how to get a life of her own with or without a man. She complains about being lonely in the week-ends when he is with his family. So who prevents her from going out with friends or just for going out on her own and enjoying what life has to offer (a good movie- a good walk- a good book etc).

JonesTheSteam · 27/05/2015 16:14

As the generally held opinion on here is that the betrayed spouse should have nothing to do with OW or OM and maintain a dignified silence, I can't see how meeting for coffee and cake when the wife is probably reeling from discovery and feeling hurt and angry would help at all.

If I'd even set eyes on the OW at that point I wouldn't have drunk the coffee, I would probably have dumped it over her head and given her a cake facial! At the least...

Why the OP had an affair is completely and utterly irrelevant to the relationship between the wife and her husband. It is between them solely and he has a lot of soul-searching to do to understand why he's been such a selfish git and a huge amount of work to do to repair the marriage. From what the OP says about him, I doubt he has it in him.

viridus · 27/05/2015 16:31

Mao - so he is blaming his mistress. He is in denial about his part in it, this is a classic abusive tactic, and designed to pull wool over your eyes.
I don't think you can "re-educate" him, he is aware of what he is doing. Why do you love him, and what for?
Affairs are awful for families you are right. No one needs them.

Christinayanglah · 27/05/2015 16:36

Jones

I'm with you, although not in the cake facial as I wouldn't waste cake!

JonesTheSteam · 27/05/2015 16:39
Grin

Good point christinayang

MaMaof04 · 27/05/2015 16:39

viridus: he is not blaming her for god sakes! read what I wrote. He is not forgiving himself and is not even asking me to forgive him. he found this whole affair despicable and himself absolutely disgusting and appalling by engaging in it!
He just had a proposition similar to yours ! you did present this as some kind of honorable action to take.
You just read what you want.

MaMaof04 · 27/05/2015 16:44

8viridus8 you wrote I think a coffee and talk would be good because the mistress and the husband could say their reason for having had the affair
My imbecile said the same. I am re-teaching him what good means. I said and repeat anything related to the affair is wrong. he was wrong. she was wrong. the affair is wrong. there is nothing good that can come out when the bp and the ow/m meet- and wanting to include the betrayed partner in any interaction between them is just adding insult to injury.

viridus · 27/05/2015 16:59

MaM - Sorry, I didn't read that. So is he saying that it happened without him realising it kind of thing, like he couldnt help himself?
I didn't suggest meeting for coffee to do the "honourable thing". I suggested it because people can then give their account of why they did it. To suggest that anything good comes from an affair is ridiculous.

Indeed if he believes that some good comes of the affair would show to me that he has a lot of feelings for her.

MaMaof04 · 27/05/2015 17:13

I wrote he suggested a meeting for a coffee morning with the OW so that I have a glimpse at what happened behind my back and understand why it happened is not it similar to the rational behind your proposition to explain why they had the affair? is not it what you deemed to be good? Viridus if you want to comment on a post then please take time to read the post first

upaladderagain · 27/05/2015 18:13

Looks like OP has taken herself off. Possibly to lick her wounds or because the truth coming at her from all the wise MNers is too painful.

viridus · 27/05/2015 18:22

MaM - so why did he have a mistress then? I like being honest and finding out the truth you see.

Rubber legs - was she real? Wise mums netters - where are the wise ones?

Christinayanglah · 27/05/2015 18:22

She's off for coffee and cake with the wife

JonesTheSteam · 27/05/2015 18:34

Do you really think the husband will tell his wife the truth in front of the OW? That seems incredibly naive. Surely he'd be performing some kind of damage limitation exercise at the most so that he can attempt to placate two angry and upset women rather than actually trying to come up with a reason.

And also at this early stage soon after D-day his reasons for having an affair are most likely to be spouse-blaming nonsense about being unhappy in the marriage and the usual crap they come out with to 'justify' it all.

He needs to work out why he crossed the line with the OP and unless he works on himself and examines why he'll believe his own hype.

Rather than the more obvious reasons of being hugely selfish and putting his own 'happiness' (aka as his dick!) above everyone and everything else in his life.

JonesTheSteam · 27/05/2015 18:47

He doesn't sound capable of looking at why from the OP's description of him, but then we don't know him (and neither does she, really, only the 'him' he presented to her during the affair).

Maybe he is really sorry and wants a chance with his wife. But it does sound like he's keeping the OP on a back-burner so they can carry on at a later stage.

And I don't get any remorse from the OP. And if I was stupid enough to want to engage with the OW I'd want abject apologies and grovelling. That doesn't sound likely.

It's all about her and how she can't cope without him. Not a thought for his family.

She loves him you see. They are meant to be. Insert more star-crossed bullshit here. She is just as selfish as he is and also trying to justify shagging a married man.

And when he comes knocking, I would think it's highly likely she'll start seeing him again, regardless of whether he has left his wife or not.

MaMaof04 · 27/05/2015 19:15

You summed it up well Jones!
Chris Grin I really would like to have a Cake and Brew with you! Alas you are not the OW!

viridus · 27/05/2015 21:06

It is often the case that a husband/partner is has a higher libido, but feels too intimidated to talk about it. Or maybe using the wrong type of contraceptive.

JonesTheSteam · 27/05/2015 21:13

Yeah, that's a good reason for not cheating - a higher libido, not enough sex, wrong type of contraception.

Are you for real?

The issue is probably the not talking about stuff. And that issue lies with the cowardly git who is too scared to talk about their ishoos!!! No one else....

viridus · 27/05/2015 21:23

It wouldn't be nice to be called a "cowardly git" would it. Sometimes people do find that they are sexually incompatible, and they are frightened of their partners response.

JonesTheSteam · 27/05/2015 21:36

That is still no reason to cheat.

And I bet anyone who has ever used that as a reason, probably didn't even attempt a conversation about the issue in the first place. So how would they know what response they'd get?

What you see as a 'reason' (which would get twisted by the cheater - you didn't have sex with me often enough, you turned me down too often etc.) is more justifying waffle.

Cheating is cowardly, selfish, self-entitled. End of. And because of the cheat's character flaws, not the betrayed spouse's.

viridus · 27/05/2015 21:56

Yes cheating is cowardly, selfish and self entitled. It is also an emotional cry for help, dissastifaction with their life etc, etc. People act on emotions. A lot of the time reason, logic and good sense are not in the equation.

JonesTheSteam · 27/05/2015 22:00

I agree with you mostly. It may be one or all of those things.

But still the cheater's issues, not the person who was being cheated on.

MrsFring · 27/05/2015 22:02

I cannot, for the life of me, equate betraying innocent people - especially children - with ' an emotional cry for help'.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 27/05/2015 22:09

Why on earth, OP, would you want this man. IF he can cheat on his wife, he will cheat on you.

Walk away, delete him from your phone and your entire life. He was NEVER yours to have in the first place.

And then get a life.

viridus · 27/05/2015 22:38

A man or woman may be very unhappy in a relationship, yet for various reasons be unable/not want to talk about it. This can have a far greater negative impact on the children than say identifying their " emotional cry for help" or their need for more sex or etc,etc.
Children are very aware of their parents moods/unhappiness.
I would have thought that it is in the interest of the cheated party to find out the cause of the cheat. I would like to know why someone cheated on me and a lot about the mistress also.
I think a lot of lady's are not interested, but then I guess we are all different, and I respect that. An interesting thread.

FeijoaSundae · 27/05/2015 22:48

The chances of getting an honest answer from the cheater are virtually nil.

And an honest answer ('I was flattered', 'you don't give me enough sex') is more than likely going to do nothing but drive an even bigger wedge through the relationship.