I've fallen for a married man- that old chestnut

[Rubberleg]

Dear M-Netters,

..So I did the one thing that is the red flag, I got involved with a ring finger fred ( married man). It has been not all plain sailing and things reached a head when his wife found out. Now he has cooled off and says my presence is forcing him to make a decision which he doesn't feel he is capable of making right now. He says he feels pulled between new love and a secure family life. He says he needs time, he needs to see how he feels once he has had time, and that until he has had time to think, I will have to wait.. Obviously I'm aware I could be waiting until infinity! I'm also terribly upset that he couldn't tell me this in person as I sent several desperate emails asking to meet, I'm gutted that the time we've had hasn't made him feel compelled to be with me, instead he feels he has to choose between what I offer and what his family home has to offer (also a 7 year old son). I was told at the beginning that his married relationship was on its way out and I've made him feel whole again and he can't wait to spend more time with me etc. Now, I'm told I have to wait for a man who only last week told me how amazing I was and that he was so glad that I was in his life.
I haven't been completely cool on the other hand. I've sent him one or two desperate texts, telling him how much I missed him. I explained my side of the fence, the anxieties of being with someone who wasn't sure when they could see me, the fear of being with a married person, the shame of being the 'other woman'. But the truth is exactly that I miss him when we don't meet, weekends are terribly depressing for me as this is usually his family time. Yet, I feel +have to let go.
My last contact was a desperate message asking to meet so we could talk about our future. Previous to which I had sent a very long email telling that we had to change things, we couldn't meet as before, but that I still wanted to see him. He said he couldn't meet me but emailed to tell me he has decided it best to put our relationship on hold for a while. He feels very strongly about me but right now is too much for him. I haven't replied as I have to take responsibility for the unfolding decisions, but inside I feel gutted. I fear that this the end and I am going to lose him.

He's now in the situation where his wife knows, you know she knows, and he has two desperate women waiting while he "has a think" to see who he will pick. While he gets a massive ego boost, it's miserable for you both. Her marriage will never be the same again, whatever happens. You will either lose him, or you'll get to keep his cheating arse and if you stay together, eventually he will very likely cheat on you.

The absolute best outcome for you is if you never see him again. At least you don't have a child with him and can walk away without complications (I hope). And learn from this and stay away from married men. Not just because it causes other women and children pain – but also because it is selling yourself short. You start seeing a married man, you start out on the basis that you're not worth much and willing to catch the spare dregs of someone's busy home life.

Where did you meet him?

He and I met several years ago and last year, at a party, we became close but I said I couldn't take it further because of his situation, to which he agreed... but I was very attracted to him. Anyway we left it for several months and then earlier this year we got back in contact with each other and began meeting up.
It's true, I am complicit in this, no matter how much I tried to hold back.

Well try harder. You obviously didn't try very hard to hold back did you?

His poor wife and son. They deserve so much better.

On a kinder note OP. For your sake I really hope you don't work with him as it's best if you never see him again.
And the simple truth is if he wanted to be with you (and loves you) he would leave, simple as that. The fact is he loves her MORE!

It felt desperate back then because, as much as I wanted him all those years ago, I couldn't do a thing because of his marriage status. When we met this year, I couldn't believe that inspite of his apparent unhappiness he was still in the same situation. Although he said they were in the process of separating and were seeing a marriage guidance counsellor. Anyway, he invited me to event and I agreed to meet.

OP - you will get over this. Just walk away now, give him the space he and his family now need. Their marriage may not make it in which case he will probably come to you, tail between his legs, because he'll be wanting a) sex and b) someone to fill the wife position when he suddenly realises that there is no-one to help him run his life and you'll be there as a ready-made mat to walk all over. But at least allow him and his DW (yes, his darling wife!) to try and sort out their relationship, which also involves a child. You will break his heart too if you carry on with your intent to get this man back.

Go and find a friend who can look after you and nurse you through your broken heart. Make yourself busy and make yourself unavailable. Perhaps you might end up with your dignity in tact. But you need to do a bit of growing up quite quickly and stop interfering in his marriage, ie to not be so selfish.

I would imagine that the first his wife knew about any problems was when he started disappearing and was then caught. If he really loved you he would walk away. He doesn't. He's used you and is now keeping you hanging on for when the dust settles and he can use you again. If it wasn't you he would have slept with someone else. He's a cheat. You're naive for thinking he would leave and now need to walk away from this and never ever respeat this experience. If he loved you he would have left her before starting anything with you.

I did begin to realise that the separation process was being thwarted by me making his short term life happier, but the happiness wasn't long lasting. He was often depressed and I couldn't make him happy. He adored his only son but felt trapped.
I don't feel my naivite played a part in this as I knew what was involved. But I felt like we got into a rut where he wanted to please everyone and then felt cornered. It is true to say I was only thinking about my needs though and it felt addictive. I have to learn my lesson.

Please read this from start to finish:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2360927-Yes-Im-another-one-Husband-doesnt-love-me-anymore

And, yes, he would like to come back . . . It's all a sordid cliche, nothing more, nothing less. Don't try to tell yourself anything different.

I don't think you have learned you lesson. You are still upset you couldn't convince him to leave his wife and child.

I actually think its your pride that's hurting. I think you felt a boost that you had managed to bag a man that you wanted, despite the fact that he was married. But now your pride his hurt because you didn't manage to bag him at all.

He is a cheat and he was never in the process of separating. If he was he wouldn't be struggling to choose. And you are someone who wants what they want and everyone else doesn't matter, it only matters that you win.

He won't leave his wife, but he will try and start the affair again. He has put you on hold....but only until he can sneak off again. Hopefully the Wife will dump his sorry ass, for her sake, then he will run to you. In a few years you will have got bored with your prize or you will be in his wifes current position.

I am sorry I am being harsh, but you need a wake up call.

It's even worse that you knew fine well you were breaking up & ruining a family.

I genuinely can't put in words how disgusted people like you make me feel. You have to be a seriously twisted and evil person to knowingly get involved with a married man knowing you could tear up a family.

Aside from the fact you're a trollop, I really want to know what on earth would make you think a married man who has cheated on his wife to be with you would be trustworthy enough to be in a relationship?

Like, seriously?!

How can people do this to each other. You may not know his wife and his child but you must know you're massively screwing them over. The man you're fucking is a terrible person but you're no better.

Trollop?

Oh dear.

Just walk away op. He was just using you for sex. Go out and get yourself a hobby.

Myself and DP got together through an affair and I don't believe the "once a cheat always a cheat".

However your BF has made it very clear that he doesn't know whether he wants you or not. If he really loved you he'd leave his wife and make appropriate arrangements for his son.

I know it's painful but walk away.

Your post makes you sound desperate - you even use the word so many times.

It will be hard but you will get over it.
Find a trusted friend. Delete this guys number and start doing things for you.

Good Luck

I can't believe that women fall for these tales, especially when it becomes all too obvious that the man could choose them if he wanted and he still chooses his wife over her.

I 'm not as vile and disgusting as you think I am. A trollop (well, whatever). I half trusted a guy who said he was currently writing up divorce plans and got involved. I wasn't trying to split any marraige up whatsoever, I met someone who made it clear they were interested and I accepted the invitation. And believe me, this was never about winning a man over. No one wins. It's been a painful process from start to finish and I;ve shed more tears than I care to remember.

I was never ever trying to convinve him, what I made clear was that he needed to come clean and make a decision. I was never happy about this affair. Anyway, he made his decision

That's what happens when you get involved with a sex pest cheat looking out to get his leg over.
Unless he had solid proof he was divorcing his wife, you should have walked away.
Did he live by himself? If not, you're truly a fool.

"When a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy".

THIS man would.
Say her leaves her.
Say he divorces her.
(poor child in the middle!).
Say he marries you.
What do you think he will do, down the line?
Yes you may make him happy and you both live happily ever after...

But you will NEVER NEVER NEVER be able to trust him. Ever.

Is that what you want your future to be?

I am not going to be unkind to you.
It is down to him to keep his zipper shut.

But, walk away and use the time to rebuild your self respect, and find someone who is free to be with you.x

I don't think he wanted to use me for sex, but his misery caused him to crave the temptation, and I gave it to him eventually..

rubbermaid ignore people calling you a Trollop. A happy man can't be "enticed" away.

But do walk away now. You can do it and you deserve better.