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Original poster

I've fallen for a married man- that old chestnut

246 replies

Rubberleg · 26/05/2015 11:21

Dear M-Netters,

..So I did the one thing that is the red flag, I got involved with a ring finger fred ( married man). It has been not all plain sailing and things reached a head when his wife found out. Now he has cooled off and says my presence is forcing him to make a decision which he doesn't feel he is capable of making right now. He says he feels pulled between new love and a secure family life. He says he needs time, he needs to see how he feels once he has had time, and that until he has had time to think, I will have to wait.. Obviously I'm aware I could be waiting until infinity! I'm also terribly upset that he couldn't tell me this in person as I sent several desperate emails asking to meet, I'm gutted that the time we've had hasn't made him feel compelled to be with me, instead he feels he has to choose between what I offer and what his family home has to offer (also a 7 year old son). I was told at the beginning that his married relationship was on its way out and I've made him feel whole again and he can't wait to spend more time with me etc. Now, I'm told I have to wait for a man who only last week told me how amazing I was and that he was so glad that I was in his life.
I haven't been completely cool on the other hand. I've sent him one or two desperate texts, telling him how much I missed him. I explained my side of the fence, the anxieties of being with someone who wasn't sure when they could see me, the fear of being with a married person, the shame of being the 'other woman'. But the truth is exactly that I miss him when we don't meet, weekends are terribly depressing for me as this is usually his family time. Yet, I feel +have to let go.
My last contact was a desperate message asking to meet so we could talk about our future. Previous to which I had sent a very long email telling that we had to change things, we couldn't meet as before, but that I still wanted to see him. He said he couldn't meet me but emailed to tell me he has decided it best to put our relationship on hold for a while. He feels very strongly about me but right now is too much for him. I haven't replied as I have to take responsibility for the unfolding decisions, but inside I feel gutted. I fear that this the end and I am going to lose him.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 26/05/2015 20:19

He suffered in silence? Your poor poor husband.

Was he so disgusted with himself that it only happened once...? Or not that disgusted?

He is not respectful of women. That is a fact. He has cheated on his wife (big disrespect) and had sex with a woman who he knew wanted more - disrespecting her too.

You are right about him treating everyone equally - he certainly was prepared to have sex with two people.

I know you will run from my posts, but please please PLEASE do not ever take than self blaming comment about lack of sex. When a GOOD man, a man who loves deeply and dearly, is frustrated with a lack of sex at home, he does not resolve that by sticking his dick compassionately in someone else.

If you can make this work for you, then fair play to you. But at least see it for what it is. Perhaps you truly have found love again together afterwards. But you need to take him down off that pedestal you've put him on.

RagingJellyBean · 26/05/2015 20:26

MaMaof, I couldn't stand the headache of reading the rest of your blithering rambles.

More fool you for letting yourself be walked all over. Just don't be too surprised when he does it again!

MaMaof04 · 26/05/2015 20:36

Cabrinha
I said him all you said but I still know who is better than you or anyone else.
just one coaction: it is not a lack of sex at home. it is a lack of home for a long period away from us

MaMaof04 · 26/05/2015 20:37

he was away from home for too long. I meant

Cabrinha · 26/05/2015 20:39

You said he was without sex for months.
You can lie to yourself, but there's no point in changing your story on this thread Hmm

A decent man doesn't have sex with someone wise because they've gone a few months without sex with their wife. They just don't.

Cabrinha · 26/05/2015 20:39

*someone eise

Cabrinha · 26/05/2015 20:39

*else!!!!!!

RagingJellyBean · 26/05/2015 20:40

Pretty sure my DH would rather warm up some ham & stick his dick in that than swan off and find a bit on the side.
I'm still scoffing at your comment "a bit of sex on the side doesn't bother me after a lack of sex at home for months"

Can you not even see the "welcome home" written on your doormat forehead?!

MaMaof04 · 26/05/2015 20:41

Jelly fair enough. WE all read through the prism of our own experience and of our own beliefs.
Besides I do not associate myself with sex so if he has sex with s/o else when his testosterone shot and he was away on his own for many many days that does not mean he is walking all over me. I don't give a shit. It is the honesty part that disturbs more.
Another thing: I do ramble a lot as all betrayed women do and I am happy that MN is here to allow me to do so but please do not feel obliged to read me.

Cabrinha · 26/05/2015 20:41

But don't you SEE, that there is no point in giving him being away from home and not getting sex (poor poor man) as any kind of excuse for what he did?
He had sex with another woman because he is a selfish arsehole.
End of.

So - fine if you can make that work.

But you need to accept the truth of what he did. He is a cheat. He is NOT someone who respects women.

With or without his compassionate dick Hmm

RagingJellyBean · 26/05/2015 20:44

Jesus H Christ.
There's no preached to the stupid converted.

RagingJellyBean · 26/05/2015 20:44

Preaching*

Cabrinha · 26/05/2015 20:48

Oh my word.
Shock

Did you just say it's OK he cheated on you because he was away and his testosterone made him do it????

So was it the hormones and he did it for him, or was it just to be compassionate to her.

Bloody hell what has happened in your life to make you think you can say that he RESPECTS WOMEN?

He respects them right up to the point where that naughty testosterone takes over Hmm

True story from my "prism of experience". Me - awful marriage, cheating husband, no sex (cos I didn't think the cheating was OK) But still married because I was going through the "but my child's home..." thing.

So, man in bar tries to chat me up and unbidden, touches my cheek. I almost had an orgasm on the spot. Seriously. So long without, and my hormones went CRAZY.

What did I do? Engaged my brain, asked him to leave me alone, and became even more resolved to end my marriage before I disgusted myself for following up something like that.

And I didn't even like my husband, let alone respect him or love him deeply and dearly.

RagingJellyBean · 26/05/2015 20:54

Cabrinha, absolutely well done to you for having the morals to be a decent human being by your - albeit shithead - husband.

That's a perfect example of having respect & being a decent human being.

MaMa, on reflection I actually agree that you & your husband are well suited. You're a disrespectful, abusive wife & he is a disrespectful, cheating husband.

Perfect match.

MaMaof04 · 26/05/2015 21:03

Cabrihna you really come across as a nice woman. I do not change the story. The affair took place when he was abroad in the uk (we do not live in the uk) for work-related reasons for too long- many many months in a row over a period of close to two years. I do not put him on a pedestal: I always laughed at him because of his high principles and even more now: he wants to behave in a very highly moral way and he screwed it up! Of course he has defaults. I was speaking about his good points to counterbalance his cheating behavior.
BTW he has been off sex for about 10 months now since DD. I am more than OK if he has an affair now. I do not want yet sex with him. He does not want to have an affair. I know that he does not have any. His choice. I am the one who is responsible for our finances and do not see irregularities - I am the one to do the IR report- I have access to all his mails as I had before but I am not noisy and never looked into them- I could have detected her subterfuges and the affair etc but I really do not give a shit! In fact I will leave you dear ladies!

Again thank you for reading my rambling I do need this a bit.I have to re-adjust to my new husband. The one I married died in the affair- thanks to this poor innocent lovely OW- who did not want to steal him from me but just offered him a nice opportunity to become a bigamist - the wide dream of the dormant caveman in him. No irony: she took all the bad out of him. He used not to understand why British do not like Prince Charles - but now he understands how bad adultery is and he is really becoming better. Of course I would have liked these changes without the affair but hey that is my life and I like it!

In my view OP is deluded and a bad OW - as I am deluded an a bad violent woman in the eyes of many others!

MaMaof04 · 26/05/2015 21:08

Thanks Raging Good Night!
and biology differences exist

Redtrousers · 26/05/2015 21:14

Gain some self respect and dignity. Walk away FFS. The man has a wife and a Son. I'm speaking from a Married Mother of two sons and I think you need to step right away for the sake of that child.

Put somebody else's needs before your own. Walk away and find your own man.

Timetoask · 26/05/2015 21:18

All I can think of is that poor little boy, only a year younger than mine. How heart breaking that you would even consider breaking up his family.
Have some dignity and walk away.

MaMaof04 · 26/05/2015 22:16

My apologies to you OP! But really you must jump over to the other side of the fence and look in the eyes of the innocent kid; DO YOU WANT TOTAKE HIS DAD AWAY FROM HIM? WHAT WILL HIS FUTURE WLL BE L IKE IF HE GROWS FATHERLESS?

Cabrinha · 26/05/2015 22:18

For fucksake Mama04!!!

I am divorced and my child is not fatherless.

Will you please stop spouting utter shite? That is just offensive now.

Cabrinha · 26/05/2015 22:20

And I suggest you look in your own innocent children's eye and consider the disservice you do them by providing them with such a poor model for relationships Hmm

MaMaof04 · 26/05/2015 22:32

Cabrinha
There are differences in fatherless houses; you have chosen to divorce your husband; it is Ok; you are strong : it is perfect for your kid.
However we do not know who is the spouse in this post: we do not know how she will react if her husband leaves her to go with another woman; she will suffer a lot of course; she might overcome her pain and provide a good home to her kid (we see it: many betrayed women who became wonderful single mothers); however the worst case scenario might occur: the spouse will be so heart broken that she will not be able to properly care for her child (IT IS JUST THE WORST CASE SCENARIO: IT IS NOT WHAT WILL NECESSARILY HAPPEN!). That might happen. Why OP should make it happen?

HellKitty · 26/05/2015 22:47

Fwiw op, (ignoring the last half mile of posts), some people will say anything you want to hear for a shag. 'My wife doesn't understand me/we never have sex/I'm going to leave her (or him)'. I would also lay money on him being scared because of your texts and emails rather than what he said about his wife finding out. He's terrified that his life is going to be ripped apart by you.

I know a guy who had a year long affair, his wife got suspicious so he told her that this woman just got a crush on him and it never went any further. Lying shit.

RagingJellyBean · 26/05/2015 22:52

MaMaof you're honestly as annoying as a severe case of piles.

More annoying, even.

I'm away to lie down in a dark room.

MaMaof04 · 26/05/2015 22:55

Night Night Raging -