I've fallen for a married man- that old chestnut

[Rubberleg]

Dear M-Netters,

..So I did the one thing that is the red flag, I got involved with a ring finger fred ( married man). It has been not all plain sailing and things reached a head when his wife found out. Now he has cooled off and says my presence is forcing him to make a decision which he doesn't feel he is capable of making right now. He says he feels pulled between new love and a secure family life. He says he needs time, he needs to see how he feels once he has had time, and that until he has had time to think, I will have to wait.. Obviously I'm aware I could be waiting until infinity! I'm also terribly upset that he couldn't tell me this in person as I sent several desperate emails asking to meet, I'm gutted that the time we've had hasn't made him feel compelled to be with me, instead he feels he has to choose between what I offer and what his family home has to offer (also a 7 year old son). I was told at the beginning that his married relationship was on its way out and I've made him feel whole again and he can't wait to spend more time with me etc. Now, I'm told I have to wait for a man who only last week told me how amazing I was and that he was so glad that I was in his life.
I haven't been completely cool on the other hand. I've sent him one or two desperate texts, telling him how much I missed him. I explained my side of the fence, the anxieties of being with someone who wasn't sure when they could see me, the fear of being with a married person, the shame of being the 'other woman'. But the truth is exactly that I miss him when we don't meet, weekends are terribly depressing for me as this is usually his family time. Yet, I feel +have to let go.
My last contact was a desperate message asking to meet so we could talk about our future. Previous to which I had sent a very long email telling that we had to change things, we couldn't meet as before, but that I still wanted to see him. He said he couldn't meet me but emailed to tell me he has decided it best to put our relationship on hold for a while. He feels very strongly about me but right now is too much for him. I haven't replied as I have to take responsibility for the unfolding decisions, but inside I feel gutted. I fear that this the end and I am going to lose him.

I agree with VanillaTwirl. Take another lesson from history: Sylvia Plath, Ted Hughes and Assia Wevill. Two dead women, one dead child (Assia was an immature, self-centred, nasty piece of work) and one man who remained a serial cheat.

It's hard to believe some people go well into adulthood being some incredibly dramatic and adolescent.

sorry Justusemyname. I honestly wondered if that was the mumsnet wisdom! That we should be telling our daughters not to believe what men say! That 's so depressing. But then, my mother never told me that and I was used a few times.

I agree so strongly with Sommer. This thread is getting very nasty and misogynistic. Its Old Testament stuff really, about pure and unclean women. Men can merrily do what they like and the worst anybody hopes for them is that they get fresh new mistresses in the future (ie gleefully telling OW he'll cheat on her too).

It's the mumsnet timewarp. There are quite a few posts on here I'm planning to report later when I'm not at work.

Sorry to read this op. So much pain and disappointment. I am sure he meant more or less what he said at the moment he said it, but that doesn't really matter now. He had made his choice and whether he is or isn't happy is HIS problem not yours. Play the hand you've been dealt and leave them both be. Good luck.

..So I did the one thing that is the red flag, I got involved with a ring finger fred ( married man).

You are trying to minimise the situation by injecting humour into a very un-funny situation.

It has been not all plain sailing and things reached a head when his wife found out.

Did she really find out or did he tell you that to get out of an affair which was not 24/7 funtime?

Now he has cooled off and says my presence is forcing him to make a decision which he doesn't feel he is capable of making right now.

He is very capable, he is just a coward and doesn't want to tell you to fuck off to your face. His actions are speaking very loudly and clearly.

He says he feels pulled between new love and a secure family life.

He is trying to pretend this is difficult for him. It is not. See the Dummy's Guide to Having an Affair.

He says he needs time, he needs to see how he feels once he has had time, and that until he has had time to think, I will have to wait..

He is hoping that if he disengages for long enough you will go away, come to your senses and drop the delusion of a future with him.

Obviously I'm aware I could be waiting until infinity!

You are at least making an attempt at reading between the lines. However, he has told you indirectly that you do not have a future together.

I'm also terribly upset that he couldn't tell me this in person as I sent several desperate emails asking to meet, I'm gutted that the time we've had hasn't made him feel compelled to be with me, instead he feels he has to choose between what I offer and what his family home has to offer (also a 7 year old son).

He does not want to see you in person. The affair is over and he will have nothing to gain by meeting you. In this context I mean sex. He doesn't want to meet up and risk a row. Why would he? He has chosen to slip back into daddy mode for now.

I was told at the beginning that his married relationship was on its way out and I've made him feel whole again and he can't wait to spend more time with me etc. Now, I'm told I have to wait for a man who only last week told me how amazing I was and that he was so glad that I was in his life.

You believed a cliché down to the T.

I haven't been completely cool on the other hand. I've sent him one or two desperate texts, telling him how much I missed him.

Do you suffer with self-esteem issues?

I explained my side of the fence, the anxieties of being with someone who wasn't sure when they could see me, the fear of being with a married person, the shame of being the 'other woman'.

Did you think you were in therapy?

But the truth is exactly that I miss him when we don't meet, weekends are terribly depressing for me as this is usually his family time. Yet, I feel +have to let go.

Of course you miss him. That is no reason to act the way you are behaving. Grow a bloody backbone, woman, and take a hint.

My last contact was a desperate message asking to meet so we could talk about our future. Previous to which I had sent a very long email telling that we had to change things, we couldn't meet as before, but that I still wanted to see him.

His ego must be inflating out of the windows by now. Where is your self-esteem?

He said he couldn't meet me but emailed to tell me he has decided it best to put our relationship on hold for a while.

He has ended this affair.

He feels very strongly about me but right now is too much for him.

He wants you to go away. This is no longer fun.

I haven't replied as I have to take responsibility for the unfolding decisions, but inside I feel gutted.

Good. Delete his emails, number, social network connections and move on with your life.

I fear that this the end and I am going to lose him.

You never had him, but yes love, you have 'lost' him.

I speak for myself, S0mmer. Mumsnet wisdom is a myth. Maybe many posters agree but there isn't a Mumsnet law. Surely, though, you would know to bring up your kids to watch out for men spouting shit to get into your pants or women saying they are on the pill, of course....

The mind boggles.

Just read \Ophelia's thread and see how WF and the H are playing the Romeo and Juliette who just happened to fall in love with each other and wrecked the home Ophelia +two twins has been trying to build for more than a decade.
My imbecile of over twenty years has been away for work (in the UK) purposes for a long time (I had to stay to care for kids) and lodged in some house for a long period- there was another woman who helped the old lady who owned the house. He is good hearted and kind and helps people whenever he can (he helps men and women without expecting anything back) - so he helped this other woman. She fell in love with him and physically started with him. I got letters and everything: she will never love anyone like him- her milieu is so disgusting to divorced women (she is an Arab divorced woman living in the UK). She knows me and knows my kids. We were so nice to her and we knew about her problems and were so happy that he helped her. She knew he loves me but relentlessly pursued him (he moved away from this house she lived in) but she knew to invent problems and to make him feel bad about the fact that he had everything in life and she had nothing. She even started converting to his religion and an affair happened for god sake of course he enjoyed it; a little adventure with a woman from a different culture; a bit of sex especially that he was without sex for long periods of time . She got a child out of the affair and was expecting him to lead some bigamist life: her in the UK with her daughter because you see she gave up so much for him- becoming an OW, a single mum in her milieu, even in the UK it is how she felt and converting!- but when he told her that the affair was over as he could not anymore live in lies she was not happy (understatement)
Even if she repeated again and again that she had no intention of taking him out of me, her acts letters calls say otherwise- I wish she did take him. Some think that we betrayed women see in this male a wonderful prize; no we betrayed mums see in him a worthless husband but the best dad for our kids, and if he works hard to atone his misdeeds we owe it to our kids to give him a second chance- If he would have left me then I would have blessed them- It would have been so easy for me to explain the break up to my kids but believe me my daughters (in their 20's and they know everything) forgave him (no they let me decide; they are behind me if I stay or leave ; they just say that we all make mistakes and that being a man he could not have aborted; and that he is deeply hurt and atoned his misdeeds- he deeply apologized to them as well) and even my little ones know about the affair (in the summer they will know about the sibling) and forgave him and I am the kind of women who want my kids to grow with a father in the background and to have grandparents (in the same house) for their own kids (if they choose to have some) and anyway the one I pity most now is him (he is tormented- he has been tormented since the start of the affair; he became sick he the strong man; his mission now is just to make me happy and to make our kids strong and happy etc) .

I do not pity her: the child gave her an identity and he helped her have her UK citizenship; she left her milieu; she is now living in a homosexual relationship (the daughter said that she has 'two mummies'- she is a bisexual) but she does not allow him to meet the child on his own (meeting/ trips with the child must include her etc but he does not want to meet her just the child; his decision well before DD ). He calls regularly the little one (the mum controls every call) and hopefully he will be able to meet her etc I got letters and everything that proves that he is saying the truth. I know he is a stupid man. God know how upset I am at him.
But God that everyone quickly forgives OW and push mums to LTB without even knowing all the details.
ANd in OP case it is clear: she is chasing him- she is trying to bring him to her side of the fence meaning out of his spouse and son's side. Now you all assume that his spouse see in him a big prize: ho do you know that? He might have been but after falling so low he is just a dad (the only dad to her son) and maybe if he atones for his misdeed (not sure he has this courage as he is putting on hold the OW) he might be a good enough spouse.

I was hoping this was my husband and was going to say you are fucking welcome to him, sadly this cannot be me cos I dont have the 7yo son at home.

However, I would like to make you the offer, have mine and save the heartache on another family!

Cheating husband up for takes, available to anyone who will have him. He certainly isn't fussy so dont worry about not being his type. Free to hopefully a really shit home!

baaaa
do you have kids? If no so just LTB!

whileyouwereout eh? Am I usually a twat? that's a genuine question btw.

Thing is, I don't hate the women who wind up with mm. I completely and utterly despise the men who find ow. This may be because of that youthful experience of working with that poor woman, when I was scarcely out of my teens (and also of being brought up a strict Catholic). I have nearly ended up with mm a few times in my twenties, but found out in time.

On the whole, though, I do rather unkindly think that OW are a bit dumb not to get out immediately; it's never too late to dump a selfish little shit. It'll hurt but it'll hurt a darn sight more the longer you carry it on. You can see I haven't been kind to her, there's no "oh you poor thing, how awful for you, be strong you can do it" type stuff. I've said fairly unequivocally that he's a selfish shit and he's not worth her time; and he really isn't worth her time.

Yes, the wives are innocents and have my every sympathy, but this is not a wife whose dh has been unfaithful, this is the ow who has been shat on by a selfish little shit, and she deserves better than him, as does his wife.

He, on the other hand, deserves to lose everything. I feel far more vindictive and angry towards him, the shit who has been making two women miserable for a long time and making false promises to both and to his child, who has been living a lie and using two women, both of whom, yes both, deserve better.

I think sommer is right in general, and I blame the man in this situation.

However there are women who set out to target married men (I have met one who openly admitted it, and one who went on a campaign, targeting attached man after attached man until she managed to pry one away from his wife) and I don't think the OW is always blameless and innocent. (Though I don't like the pitchforks either.)

Also it is a totally valid point, borne out by endless RL cases, that if you are the OW and the man leaves his wife for you, he is likely to subsequently cheat on you. Saying that isn't "gleeful", it's just fair warning of something pretty obvious.

I think you've got better 04. You've started leaving out the misogynistic bit where you describe OW as sub-humans and you've stopped promoting the domestic violence. I think the next bit is to stop mentioning this woman's sexuality as if it's at all relevant.

I also know of a woman who will go off and have sex with single and married men, she says it's not her problem and is doing nothing wrong.

I just don't get it, is there a shortage of men?

Funnily enough, her self esteem is rock bottom.

Yet, Jan45, people on here so oh no, it's him who's broken the vows not the ow.

The only person in charge here is the man, because he has all the power the women do not have any. Any man that does this, should be left by both women, so that he can find out how to grow up and learn to be a decent human being if he can. As he is, he is in no fit state to be a father, husband, lover, or boyfriend, and is an accident waiting to happen.

viridus that's not true. They do have power, but they are allowing him to take it. In the case of the wife, I understand why. In the case of op I do not. She doesn't have kids, a long history, financial attachments to him.

OP you did he told he was in the process of separating..then said he told you they had talked about divorcing. Those are 2 very different things. Which was it?

the women do not have any

Of course the OP did and does have her own power, the poor wife probably not, well not until she caught them.

Unless he's a great hypnotist of course.

Times have changed. The woman who reached her forties in the '70s deserve all our sympathy. The scumbag lied to her and society was not that nice to her I believe (a single old woman had no value in those times.) {BTW the OW played on these strings with my H: she was single/divorced in her milieu - close to her 40's - no one will make her a mother- menopause will kick soon- and my risk-taking 'good hearted' (?? stupid- twisted imbecile- who cant hold it in his pants) thought well even if he makes her once love without protection the chance that she will have a child are almost zero and that way she will be happy- the man she loved was willing to oblige her desire to become mum but with no consequence for him less lovable. But bingo she became pregnant- he offered abortion (the imbecile- connard) she did not want and so he continued to see her to help her through pregnancy and the first months (he travelled a bit to the UK - he was mostly at home) and he became sick of it all but not of being a dad (the child is innocent). He is a good dad. That is so true. And a feminist the imbecile. (His ex girl friends my daughters myself all women who work with him or came into contact with him say so.)

So MN wisdom says:
If OW posts, it says: stays on your side of the fence- have a quick glance at the other side if you want and go from there forward and God blesses you, you deserve better; If the swife comes on MN you will tell her LTB and God bless you, you deserve better. Circumstances do not matter : all male are equally guilty even if the other woman did all she could to seduce him (there is a bit my case- even if my connard does not want any diminishing responsibility- he is not forgiving himself and does not even think that he deserves my forgiveness; there is an MN lady whose spouse took on himself all the responsibility for initiating the affair yet when the wife watched the videos (he is the employer- the OW worked for him) it turned out that the OW clearly used subtle behaviors to seduce him. But of course assuming that the OW seduces mm is just old bible vindictive stuff and we are much better at understanding the human heart or sex or flesh or whatever that is human than people who wrote the bible.
Between us: have you read the post carefully: the OP is deluded; she has no sympathy whatsoever for the spouse and the son- and a woman can have many loves/lovers but a kid has ONLY ONE dad- (that is something that torment us in my family: the other kid is prevented from knowing her father and siblings. that is something that prevent me from just leaving without looking back: I got 4 kids. )

NRomanoff What do you mean by power? I mean that as a woman you have no right to make a man love you. This man has shown he doesn't love either woman. Yes the wife has a right to financial assets, child maintenance. The child has rights that his father should be responsible to him.

he feels he has to choose between what I offer and what his family home has to offer (also a 7 year old son)

I have to assume you have no children. It would be a cold day in hell before I would give up my child for a screw. Even a really good screw with a really nice person, it just ain't going to happen. And contrary to popular belief even lying cheating bastards can love their child so much they'd rather live in an unhappy marriage than live apart from their child. (That's always assuming he is unhappily marriage and just didn't fancy a bit extra on the side).

Women do it all the time and I know at least 2 men personally who are doing it in their marriages currently.

He isn;t going to chose you, thats very obvious.

Once a cheat always a cheat. This man does not deserve either woman.

I mean that as a woman you have no right to make a man love you

No one has the right. Male or female. No one can make some one love them. And I honestly don't see how the equates to The only person in charge here is the man, because he has all the power the women do not have any

The women do have power...they can walk away. The wife may find it harder given the history, child and assets. The OP has non of that. So its very easy for her to assert herself and walk away.

The man doesn't have all the power and he certainly doesn't love either woman. I am also sure neither woman feels loved right now.

OP he used you for sex.

He told you how amazing you were so you would sleep with him.

Learn your lesson, grow up and move on.

Why on earth would you want to waste any more of your life waiting for him? Even if he did leave his wife for you (and he won't) why would you want to be with someone you know cheats on people he professes to love?

Both women love this man he does not, therefore he is the one holding the most power emotionally. They are waiting on him, on what action he should take, what he will do next.