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Original poster

I've fallen for a married man- that old chestnut

246 replies

Rubberleg · 26/05/2015 11:21

Dear M-Netters,

..So I did the one thing that is the red flag, I got involved with a ring finger fred ( married man). It has been not all plain sailing and things reached a head when his wife found out. Now he has cooled off and says my presence is forcing him to make a decision which he doesn't feel he is capable of making right now. He says he feels pulled between new love and a secure family life. He says he needs time, he needs to see how he feels once he has had time, and that until he has had time to think, I will have to wait.. Obviously I'm aware I could be waiting until infinity! I'm also terribly upset that he couldn't tell me this in person as I sent several desperate emails asking to meet, I'm gutted that the time we've had hasn't made him feel compelled to be with me, instead he feels he has to choose between what I offer and what his family home has to offer (also a 7 year old son). I was told at the beginning that his married relationship was on its way out and I've made him feel whole again and he can't wait to spend more time with me etc. Now, I'm told I have to wait for a man who only last week told me how amazing I was and that he was so glad that I was in his life.
I haven't been completely cool on the other hand. I've sent him one or two desperate texts, telling him how much I missed him. I explained my side of the fence, the anxieties of being with someone who wasn't sure when they could see me, the fear of being with a married person, the shame of being the 'other woman'. But the truth is exactly that I miss him when we don't meet, weekends are terribly depressing for me as this is usually his family time. Yet, I feel +have to let go.
My last contact was a desperate message asking to meet so we could talk about our future. Previous to which I had sent a very long email telling that we had to change things, we couldn't meet as before, but that I still wanted to see him. He said he couldn't meet me but emailed to tell me he has decided it best to put our relationship on hold for a while. He feels very strongly about me but right now is too much for him. I haven't replied as I have to take responsibility for the unfolding decisions, but inside I feel gutted. I fear that this the end and I am going to lose him.

OP posts:
ALaughAMinute · 26/05/2015 18:52

OP, I don't think it's as simple as choosing between you and his wife. If he didn't have a DC he would probably choose you over his wife without a moments hesitation. That said, he's a cheater, and a leopard never changes his spots. Do you really want a man who cheats? Think about it.

I know you feel gutted, but one day you will realise that you had a lucky escape - believe me!

NRomanoff · 26/05/2015 18:57

viridus so women are a slave to their hearts? Poor women can't act? What a load of rubbish. Its bloody hard to walk away from someone you love, whether you are a man or woman. But you can do it. Besides which the OP doesn't know him well enough to know whether she loves him. She loves the idea of him but she has no idea who he really is.

MaMaof04 · 26/05/2015 19:02

St Vivacia when will you be less sanctimonious?
1- I have never been myso- there are bad men and there are bad women. There are many women who deliberately target married men. (Just read recent researches on this- and no the researchers are not bigots) . The OP does not seem to be a nice OW- al so self-centered. The OW in my case is bad (because of all the continuum of her actions- before, during and after the affair and still now- and not only toward him; but toward other people around). My imbecile did a mistake (it was point-wise in time and he is paying the price since then and trying to amend and atone for his misdeed. She was willing to offer him sex for many years to come and he just refused her advances like he used to do before he- i.e. his dick- had 'compassion for her' ) . I do not want to give details. My H is an imbecile and a connard but a responsible DAD no one can take this from him- and you know what this imbecile even loves me deeply and dearly.

2- I do not regret beating up my husband to relieve the physical pain I felt in my heart- In fact I still do think that betrayed partners can use a bit of it to let the anger out. It is good. It settles some scores and free you to go forward.
3- I do speak about her sexuality to say that in this sordid story she won something: an identity and a family unit with her little daughter. We are happy for the daughter to grow in a loving and not prejudiced background. We just wish the OW would be less selfish, and stop raising the little one in deceits and alienating her from her dad. (The little one got one and only one DAD).
4- The OW lover is a woman who has been left by her dad when she was a child. She suffered from it. We will contact her in due time so that we can meet the little one. We are sure she will arrange something.
So yes in this convoluted story the sexuality and the identity of the new partner are important. (Imagine it was a male who would want to play the role of the dad- it would have been a bit harder for my H to have some role in her life as the OW is opposed to it.)
And when will people start ignoring the power of the women: they are the only who decide to keep or abort any child from an affair.
I just hope I did not give a bad idea to the OP.

Cabrinha · 26/05/2015 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

viridus · 26/05/2015 19:05

Yes both women are free to do what they want, and should both get away from this man. How can you love someone who has cheated on you, once a cheat always a cheat. If they stay in his life he will prove this. If I was either woman I would get out as fast as I could.

MaMaof04 · 26/05/2015 19:11

Cabrinha- Thank you! You know him better than I do. You know he had sex with another woman that is not his wife. That is enough for you. I know him for years but I am an idiot and so I do not see that the affair weighs more than all he did and still do. Thank you Cabrinha for opening my eyes.

Christinayanglah · 26/05/2015 19:12

You didn't have him to lose, you need to face up to the fact that you were a bit on the side and he has chosen to stay with his family

I am sure you are hurt, but really, what did you expect when getting involved with a man with a wife and child?

You need to stay away from him and spend some time working out why you did this. An emotionally healthy, happy and secure person doesn't become the ow, they enter into a relationship with someone who is available and the relationship isn't built on lies, deceit and hurting others

I hope you are able to sort your life out

Cabrinha · 26/05/2015 19:18

Yes, it is enough for me.
You make your choice, it's not my choice.
But people that love you don't cheat on you.
You want to live with that, fine.
Nothing you say will convince me he loves you.
Nothing I say will convince you he doesn't.

MaMaof04 · 26/05/2015 19:26

you are funny Cabrinha! You have the last word. OK you can add a post after this one so that you really have the last word. Good night.

Cabrinha · 26/05/2015 19:32

I'm not looking for the last word, I'm happy to talk to you about it.
My husband didn't love me. He cheated on me. It's not my shame, and it's not your shame either.

RagingJellyBean · 26/05/2015 19:40

I agree with Cabrinha.

You don't love someone "deeply" and "dearly" and proceed to cheat on them.

RagingJellyBean · 26/05/2015 19:40

It's bad enough you've been cheated on, but you're with someone who clearly doesn't love you & you're embarrassing yourself by trying to defend him?!

Vivacia · 26/05/2015 19:47

Perhaps your relationship just needed a bit of domestic violence Cabrinha, just to clear your sinuses.

Or something.

Christinayanglah · 26/05/2015 19:53

Very, very nasty

RagingJellyBean · 26/05/2015 19:54

Why has domestic violence been brought into this?

Cabrinha · 26/05/2015 20:00

Vivacia have no idea, genuinely, whether you're being rude to me or not! I have no idea what the sinuses comment is about HmmGrin

WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 26/05/2015 20:05

oh just fuck him off

don't hang around waiting for him to "choose"

just delete his number, move on,

have some self respect, please, take it from one who knows

AnyFucker · 26/05/2015 20:05

erk, what is happening to this thread ?

Vivacia · 26/05/2015 20:09

I lose myself sometimes Cabrinha Blush but I was definitely not being rude to you.

MaMaof04 · 26/05/2015 20:09

Everyone and his experience.
I write now just to clarify my thoughts. Thanks MN wise women for reading me.
I am not ashamed at all that he cheated on me.

I really do not care if everyone knows about it. On the contrary. I absolutely digested it and made it part of my life. I told my friends and his friends and my daughters told their friends (half the neighborhood and all their university departments).
You do not know me.
Besides I do not like the word 'shame' and his derivatives it is off my lexicon. I prefer the word 'guilty'- the accent is on the behavior not the personality (unlike 'shame'). And you can correct it and improve it and become better.
He is guilty of adultery.
She is guilty of trying to steal a married man.
He is working hard to atone his behavior.
When we assess the behavior of someone we do take into account all his past behaviors as well. He is a special wonderful man in all walks of life. Kind. Generous. Humble . All people are equal in his eyes. Compassionate. Very gentle. Very respectful of women (sex is not a disparaging act for him albeit it was just sex in the affair- but he did not use her on the contrary- and he betrayed himself more than he betrayed me when he did it. It is how he feels: a big sinner who reached the bottom of evilness. He is not religious rather atheist. In fact he knows a friend of his dad who cheated on his lovely wife and as a kid he just loved this wonderful wife and could not bear the cheater. I know the cheater: a charming and energetic and clever man in his 80's. I know his wife: a highly intelligent sweet and lovely lady. Well my H said that after he had sex with this OW; he thought of me and felt bad and the image of this man came up to his mind and he was absolutely disgusted by his acts. He did not share this with the OW. He takes all the blame on himself and is too gentleman to hurt her. ) Never cheated on me until then and never will again. And no I will not start living in mistrust just because your experience suggested so (if he cheats on me again then bye bye and if I am off to the next one then I will fully trust him. Trust is good for you. Deception is a small price t pay. I am sorry you went through bad experiences but they are not universal.) He could have continued the affair for a long period of time even forever because she just loved and still love him but he cut it because he could not anymore cheat on me and he felt disgusted by his acts (he still does.)

Besides I really do not care of a bit of sex on the side when he was without sex for months. What upset me is the lack of honesty. That what upsets me. Of course he suffered in silence he did not want me to suffer etc (yeah he should have thought about it before. An imbecile. A connard. have I not said it before?)

NRomanoff · 26/05/2015 20:10

How can you love someone who has cheated on you, once a cheat always a cheat. If they stay in his life he will prove this. If I was either woman I would get out as fast as I could.

I agree, but that's not the same as being powerless.

Viviennemary · 26/05/2015 20:12

He'd probably much rather stay married and continue to have an affair on the side. But now his wife knows that probably isn't an option so his plans have been de-railed which is why he doesn't seem to know what he wants. He does know what he wants. Which is to have both you and his wife dangling on a string both waiting till the wonderful one makes up his mind. How depressing!

bigbumbrunette · 26/05/2015 20:14

Skimming the full thread.

There is a saying. 'When he marries the mistress a vacancy is created'. Good luck with that one OP. I'm sure you'll get exactly what you deserve from life.

awombwithaview · 26/05/2015 20:14

Reminds me of the Whitney song 'Same script, different cast'.

PrimalLass · 26/05/2015 20:17

Do you want to break the heart of a 7-year-old? If so, fill your boots.

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