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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I've fallen for a married man- that old chestnut

246 replies

Rubberleg · 26/05/2015 11:21

Dear M-Netters,

..So I did the one thing that is the red flag, I got involved with a ring finger fred ( married man). It has been not all plain sailing and things reached a head when his wife found out. Now he has cooled off and says my presence is forcing him to make a decision which he doesn't feel he is capable of making right now. He says he feels pulled between new love and a secure family life. He says he needs time, he needs to see how he feels once he has had time, and that until he has had time to think, I will have to wait.. Obviously I'm aware I could be waiting until infinity! I'm also terribly upset that he couldn't tell me this in person as I sent several desperate emails asking to meet, I'm gutted that the time we've had hasn't made him feel compelled to be with me, instead he feels he has to choose between what I offer and what his family home has to offer (also a 7 year old son). I was told at the beginning that his married relationship was on its way out and I've made him feel whole again and he can't wait to spend more time with me etc. Now, I'm told I have to wait for a man who only last week told me how amazing I was and that he was so glad that I was in his life.
I haven't been completely cool on the other hand. I've sent him one or two desperate texts, telling him how much I missed him. I explained my side of the fence, the anxieties of being with someone who wasn't sure when they could see me, the fear of being with a married person, the shame of being the 'other woman'. But the truth is exactly that I miss him when we don't meet, weekends are terribly depressing for me as this is usually his family time. Yet, I feel +have to let go.
My last contact was a desperate message asking to meet so we could talk about our future. Previous to which I had sent a very long email telling that we had to change things, we couldn't meet as before, but that I still wanted to see him. He said he couldn't meet me but emailed to tell me he has decided it best to put our relationship on hold for a while. He feels very strongly about me but right now is too much for him. I haven't replied as I have to take responsibility for the unfolding decisions, but inside I feel gutted. I fear that this the end and I am going to lose him.

OP posts:

viridus · 28/05/2015 00:00

After talking to the mistress and him - separately, I can assure you I would get to the bottom of it, and know plenty of answers. I could then make an informed decision on what to do, and what is best to do for the children.
As I said earlier in Rubberlegs example, there is three entities in the marriage, wife, husband, and deceit.

The "wedge" in the relationship is there already.

Vivacia · 28/05/2015 05:47

How can you assure us?

viridus · 28/05/2015 07:27

By communicating respect for myself and my husband. Learning and knowing effective assertive skills to communicate, my needs.
As I said before I think the mistress should be told face to face what the husband is saying to her.

Someone said earlier that the view of the women here is for the husband to tell the mistress over the phone while the wife is in the background, listening. I don't agree, but then we all have our individual opinions, and whatever we do we have to live with the aftermath.

Christinayanglah · 28/05/2015 07:46

Communicating your needs does not guarantee you would get to the bottom of it.. You really think the gives two hoots about your needs?

viridus · 28/05/2015 08:30

I have been extremely generous with my views, and it's been a very interesting and informative post.
There does seem that a lot of people do get extremely emotional, and are afraid to look at the facts, and their own emotional needs.
However I respect your views. Life would be very boring if we all were the same.

JonesTheSteam · 28/05/2015 09:40

a lot of people do get very emotional

Strange that, eh? Finding out your H is having an affair causes you to feel emotional.

And I agree with Christinayang.

The OW has no interest in your needs. Just hers. She will probably say whatever she thinks will be in her best interest, especially if as in the OP's case, she is desperate to win her man.

Vivacia · 28/05/2015 09:42

By communicating respect for myself and my husband. Learning and knowing effective assertive skills to communicate, my needs.

That's great, but good communication requires more than just one person. What if your husband didn't really respect you or your marriage? What if he was the kind of person to act on his impulses rather than talk about them? The kind of person who would, say, cheat on you?
You're advocating truth and openness with someone who has chosen to lie and deceive.

As I said before I think the mistress should be told face to face what the husband is saying to her.

Yes, but that's the whole point isn't it? The man plays the two women off against each other, giving each a completely different version of events.

Someone said earlier that the view of the women here is for the husband to tell the mistress over the phone while the wife is in the background, listening. I don't agree, but then we all have our individual opinions, and whatever we do we have to live with the aftermath.

The "women here" do have a hive mind. We differ in our opinions (obviously, as you're one of us and you're not in full agreement with anyone else).

I have been extremely generous with my views,

Er, "thank you"?

viridus · 28/05/2015 12:05

What is a "hive mind"? I am not a bee I am a human being.
And what constitutes "as one of us". You could list your requirements.

Vivacia · 28/05/2015 12:38

"Hive mind" - all thinking the same.

"One of us"? You referred to "the women here" which I would define as - women posting on MN so, that's why you're one of us.

viridus · 28/05/2015 12:55

Ok, I will try being one of you. - a hive mind all thinking the same. Now let me see how should I behave,

a). If my husband has an affair, I should tell him to ring the mistress and lurk in the background while he finishes with her.

b). If I do have a coffee with the mistress, I should be physically abusive to her by throwing coffee over her.

And maybe other similar thoughts. Might last for a week or two but it would be a sad life I think.

Vivacia · 28/05/2015 13:01

Oh no I see the confusion. I meant to say posters here do not have a hind mind!

JonesTheSteam · 28/05/2015 13:22

viridus

Are you taking my comment about the coffee seriously? Seriously? It's called humour.

And if you want to waste your breath talking to the 'hypothetical' OW then it's up to you. Personally I would not give her air time and would not want to hear the lies coming out of her mouth.

In my case she was married too, so obviously adept at lying to her H. So why wouldn't she lie to me?

She actually had the temerity to offer, via email, to meet me face to face. I had no interest in doing so. It was at a time when I was truly and utterly devastated and I wouldn't have wanted her to see what her (and my DH's actions) had done to me. She wouldn't have cared.

And if I had lost my temper and had a row with her (and of course I wouldn't throw coffee!) then how would that have looked.

I didn't even give it a second thought and didn't reply to her.

And people on these threads do not have a hive mind. This site is full of wonderful people who are willing to share their experiences in the hope of helping others. God knows what I would have done 16 months ago without them to turn to in my initial hour of need.

And I followed some of their advice and in other ways trod my own path.

You just appear to be on hear to mock, and bestow us generously with your opinions...

JonesTheSteam · 28/05/2015 13:23

on here not hear

AnyFucker · 28/05/2015 14:16

viridus, you sound a bit unpleasant

are you having a bad day ?

theaftermath · 28/05/2015 14:47

Unbelievable to see anyfucker calling people unpleasant!!!! Beggars belief

AnyFucker · 28/05/2015 15:53

TheHumblePotato · 28/05/2015 15:56

AF tbh I think it's a case of frustration. I've often seen on threads that people start getting wound up if they feel that they're not being understood.

viridus · 28/05/2015 16:01

I apologise if I sound mocking, it is not my intention
I was merely stating that I personally would meet with the mistress to hear her point of view. It wouldn't bother me if she lied for example, it would interest me to hear her story.
It's great to hear there is support on mums netters and that you have had a positive experience here.

MaMaof04 · 28/05/2015 16:31

Viridus
Provide us with your H' s mobile phone number and we will arrange an OW just for you to have a coffee with her

viridus · 28/05/2015 16:56

Whoa, steady on, no need to take out your anger issues on me. I am expressing my opinion.

Lndnmummy · 28/05/2015 17:00

YOU are sad OP? Wow, just wow

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