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Original poster

I've fallen for a married man- that old chestnut

246 replies

Rubberleg · 26/05/2015 11:21

Dear M-Netters,

..So I did the one thing that is the red flag, I got involved with a ring finger fred ( married man). It has been not all plain sailing and things reached a head when his wife found out. Now he has cooled off and says my presence is forcing him to make a decision which he doesn't feel he is capable of making right now. He says he feels pulled between new love and a secure family life. He says he needs time, he needs to see how he feels once he has had time, and that until he has had time to think, I will have to wait.. Obviously I'm aware I could be waiting until infinity! I'm also terribly upset that he couldn't tell me this in person as I sent several desperate emails asking to meet, I'm gutted that the time we've had hasn't made him feel compelled to be with me, instead he feels he has to choose between what I offer and what his family home has to offer (also a 7 year old son). I was told at the beginning that his married relationship was on its way out and I've made him feel whole again and he can't wait to spend more time with me etc. Now, I'm told I have to wait for a man who only last week told me how amazing I was and that he was so glad that I was in his life.
I haven't been completely cool on the other hand. I've sent him one or two desperate texts, telling him how much I missed him. I explained my side of the fence, the anxieties of being with someone who wasn't sure when they could see me, the fear of being with a married person, the shame of being the 'other woman'. But the truth is exactly that I miss him when we don't meet, weekends are terribly depressing for me as this is usually his family time. Yet, I feel +have to let go.
My last contact was a desperate message asking to meet so we could talk about our future. Previous to which I had sent a very long email telling that we had to change things, we couldn't meet as before, but that I still wanted to see him. He said he couldn't meet me but emailed to tell me he has decided it best to put our relationship on hold for a while. He feels very strongly about me but right now is too much for him. I haven't replied as I have to take responsibility for the unfolding decisions, but inside I feel gutted. I fear that this the end and I am going to lose him.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 26/05/2015 22:59

To get back to the OP -

"He says he needs time, he needs to see how he feels once he has had time, and that until he has had time to think, I will have to wait."
OP, the translation of this waffle is that you have already been ditched, he's just too cowardly to tell you.

"I was told at the beginning that his married relationship was on its way out"
That is such a cliché. You must have known it was a lie, no matter how much you tried to believe it.

professornangnang · 26/05/2015 23:12

Can you not understand that he's talking utter bollox? He's used you and now he's bored with you. You're in denial because your pride can't take it. Salvage any dignity you can and go nc.

whyMe2014 · 26/05/2015 23:15

Just walk away. Think of the child.
My children have been devastated by their dad and his infatuation of the OW.
Two innocent little girls and the OW is now his priority.
If he leaves his wife ...you may think you have won...but really what have you got...a man who can cheat on his wife and child...that's not a catch in my book.

DixieNormas · 26/05/2015 23:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SaucyJack · 26/05/2015 23:32

OP, wise up.

I'm sure aside from this you're a great woman. And you deserve better.

Forget about his wife and child. Think of yourself. This is shit for you, and it's only going to get worse. He isn't going to leave his wife for you. You can continue to settle for the leftovers from their marriage, or you can work on respecting yourself enough to find a decent man of your own.

Put this behind you and move on to bigger and better things.

Weebirdie · 27/05/2015 01:12

Mama, I'm very concerned about you. You don't seem well at all. As you know I've walked the same road as you and I would like to suggest that perhaps in the not too distant future you might consider that the choice youve Nader isn't the right one.

I'd also like to suggest that quite often a person can use their children and grandchildren as an excuse for not being able to move on from a situation that is everything to do with them and nothing to do with their excuse.

I think you really do need to spend less time on the academics/literature of what's happened and more on how you feel rather than how a book says you should feel. I think you'll find there is quite a fight going on between you and what the books say.

Please think about seeing someone.

MaMaof04 · 27/05/2015 06:09

Good Morning Wee
I know how wise you are and I can only imagine how hard it must have been for you to walk off the marriage despite all the pressure around. I do admire you for that. I also know that you are clever, lucid and have a deep understanding of human soils. There is a big fight as you said.
I am still giving it a bit more time.
(I could have moved if I wanted and I still can: I have all my options open and my kids are OK with either move I do. Even my H gives me his full support in whatever I choose.)
Thank you very much for your concerns and for sharing with me your wisdom. I hope your trips were fruitful and enjoyable.
Have a nice day! Flowers

MaMaof04 · 27/05/2015 06:11

*souls

viridus · 27/05/2015 08:17

Why are people getting so worked up about this? Look at the facts. This man is married with a son. Instead of talking to his wife about being unhappy/or wanting sex/love with someone else he deceives her. Therefore the relationship is over. All parties should move on.

MotherFluffer · 27/05/2015 08:55

It's really hard to take (been there) that you've been had, but it is better for you to just walk away and go and meet someone who really DOES love YOU.

Salvage dignity while you can, never contact him again. Moving away makes it much easier if that's an option Grin

viridus · 27/05/2015 09:25

I do also think that the mistress does have every right to see him face to face for a full explanation of his views, as does his wife. Unfortunately this man is a coward, and probably won't do that. It's his cowardly/abusive actions to these women that has got him into this situation.

theaftermath · 27/05/2015 09:40

Are you ok OP?

Christinayanglah · 27/05/2015 09:45

The mistress goes into knowing that he is a cheat and a liar, she also knows that he can't commit to her because he has a wife and a child, so really why is she entitled to an explanation?

Where did she think it was going to go? He would leave his family, wow, what a catch!

Perhaps the ow can explain to the seven year old why she thought it was okay to participate in splitting his family

viridus · 27/05/2015 10:07

It is impolite to correspond by telephone email, if possible by face is important. She deserves answers, regardless of the situation.

Also once a cheat always a cheat, he has proven this. The man should go and live on his own he deserves neither of these women.

FeijoaSundae · 27/05/2015 10:28

You're seemingly amazed that he hasn't been wholly truthful with you ... all the while, watching him lie glibly to his wife and son. Confused

He is showing you, and telling you exactly who he is: a capable liar and a cheat.

There truly are plenty more (single) fish in the sea.

JonesTheSteam · 27/05/2015 10:31

The OP has had answers. They're not the ones she wanted to hear.

And the advice on here generally is that a cheating DH should finish the affair on the phone whilst the wife listens in, so why the hell would the wife be happy with him meeting her face to face.

If you ask me the OP lost her chance for 'consideration' when she started sending desperate and panicky emails.

If he wanted to choose her he would have. He hasn't.

And if he does decide to have his cake and eat it, (which does seem likely), then I believe the OP will welcome him back and be happy with that as she will consider it a victory of sorts.

And please stop with the once a cheat, always a cheat bollocks. It's a cliche and a generalisation. (I'm not talking specifically about the OP's MM here - he might be the type who likes shagging around).

Of course there are people who cheat serially, but there will always be others who know what they've done, who feel ashamed and angry at their own behaviour, and work on themselves and would never do it again. People are capable of learning from their mistakes.

NRomanoff · 27/05/2015 12:55

It is impolite to correspond by telephone email, if possible by face is important. She deserves answers, regardless of the situation.
Also once a cheat always a cheat, he has proven this. The man should go and live on his own he deserves neither of these women.

Its impolite to sleep with a man you know is married, its also impolite to sleep with someone else when you are still with your wife. Why would manners come into it now? Why would the OP expect social etiquette to be adhered to by this man? Why, after being so impolite herself, think she is entitled to receive the information politely?

What if the wife says she isn't happy for her husband to meet the OW to break up? I think the wifes feelings outweigh etiquette.

And, imo, its quite clear she knew they weren't separated. She says he said they had 'mentioned' divorce and he spent all weekend every weekend with the wife. He may have said they were separated, but she knew. She took his word for to try and absolve herself once the wife found out.

Midorichan · 27/05/2015 12:59

Dear mistresses everywhere - when a married man feeds you the following lines; "my marriage is on the way out/my wife doesn't love me/you make me feel whole again/I can't wait to see you" and so on NONE OF IT IS TRUE. The married man is telling you EXACTLY what is lovely to hear to get free and easy access to that hole between your legs (my apologies for the crassness). I can completely sympathise that being made to feel special and like you mean something to a man is something pretty much all women yearn for, but when he's married this just goes to show wholeheartedly that he is NOT A GOOD MAN. Don't fall for it. When he makes you wait for him, you are making it easy for him. You DESERVE to be truly loved by a good man, NOT get fed false love and lies by some loser that is too much of a coward to end his marriage for his "love" of you, or to the decent thing and be honest with the poor wife no matter how much of a "monster" she might be.

viridus · 27/05/2015 14:16

There is now three entities in the marriage, Wife, Husband, and Deceit. Regardless of what each individual person decides what to do.
Its a strange way of ending the relationship by phone as was suggested, wouldn't it be more honest to all meet and discuss the future plans over coffee.
Also the wife may want to see her, because she may have to identify her again ( from the other mistresses) he had or will have in the future.

Christinayanglah · 27/05/2015 14:20

Ffs a coffee morning for the wife, the serial shagger and the ow????

Whynthe hell do you think his wife will want to have coffee with this woman? The ow is entitled to a discussion about the future

Are you having a laugh

diddl · 27/05/2015 14:32

Tell me it isn't so, that a cheater has two women hoping to be chosen by him!

I hope the wife tells him to fuck off!

IrianofWay · 27/05/2015 14:40

viridus - the problem is you make it sound like a totally equitable relationship with everyone having the same rights and investment. It isn't and they don't. Once the wife is aware, assuming she doesn't kick him out and assuming that he wants a chance to stay, the OW has no say at all just as his wife didn't during the affair. She does not figure in the future of the relationship - because that relationship by it's very nature excludes her.

viridus · 27/05/2015 15:28

I think a coffee and talk would be good because the mistress and the husband could say their reason for having had the affair. People have many reasons/needs for doing so. Of course the mistress has "no say" at all, in their marriage. It would be better to talk than have it all swept under the carpet.

Christinayanglah · 27/05/2015 15:31

I don't the wife would give a damn about the reasons the ow had the affair, I think she would be too busy being broken hearted and realizing her life was a lie

IrianofWay · 27/05/2015 15:36

The mistresses reasons don't matter (to the wife) and the husband's reasons are his problem, not hers. If, further down the line, they want to address pre-affair marital issues, they can do that without the presence of the OW and preferably with a counsellor.

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